I hate life

My life has been honeysuckle for as far back as I can remember , now I am 30 years old and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. I don't think I have any happy memories, the only memories of my past that I have are negative, depressing, embarrassing and painful; I just feel like blowing my brains out...if only I had a gun:club:. But it is usually just an emotion that is associated with the memory and I cannot justify it on many occasions, as I don't remember how I got to feel that way. It feels like the detail of the memories are lost but the negative emotions still remain. I have never seen a psychologist/therapist/counsellor in all my life, even though I was offered on many occasions when I was at school/university because I was in trouble for not attending class or not doing work.

I don't know what to do with my life anymore, I have a job and earn an average wage; though the job is only temporary and I only got it through an ex-colleague of mine working there who also put in a good word for me. But I really have no friends...I feel so alone, I live on my own, I never had a girl friend or any true friends. My family hates me...I hardly say a word to any of them (don’t ever remember having a nice conversation with any of them, the only time I speak to them is usually in an arguement where I try but fail to defend myself but end up being humiliated by them ). I am a total recluse even though I really don't want to be, I try to avoid contact with others as I know the outcome is 99.9% negative in my memories.

Everyday I go to work late (I am always late, I have been told off a few times though I never seem to learn). Then come back home, contemplate killing myself, talk aloud to myself as I have nobody else to talk to (usually in self-loathing way, shouting at myself for being a fresia up), though I don't seem to change as a person. Everyday is a similar routine; in the night I jack-off over porn several times and go to sleep. I think the sexual relief is the only form of pleasure I get, I guess it is the only thing keeping my depression from spiralling out of control, but when I think about what I do I feel so ashamed of myself.

I think I have Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD), as I feel so shy and find it incredibly difficult to talk to new people or in groups; I always feel negative about myself. I always try to avoid answering personal questions by work colleagues because I am too embarrassed of my lonely loser life. I also do not like divulging personal information to anybody face to face (as I am too embarrassed they might see through the mask). When I am at work I pretend to be happy with my fake smiles when somebody talks to me, in reality I hate myself and think about suicide even at work; I am always swearing under my breath (at myself). I feel I am such a loser and achieved fresia-all in the three decades I have parasitically existing on this planet.

My personal philosophy: I am a vegetarian - though I am not as true as I should be (e.g. I still eat eggs and egg products); I truly respect anybody who is vegan, I don't have that much mental strength to be one. I respect animals - at least I think I do (they have more right to exist on this planet than any human, and the right not to be exploited - but humans just exploit and murder them), the human species have destroyed this planet, made countless species extinct and continue to destroy and exploit the environment in which they live to the max. In fact because I am human and live in society I am equally to blame. I just wish there is a hell so I may rot in it for all eternity; so many innocent creatures (mainly insects) have died because of me, due to my ignorance and stupidity - for that I am truly sorry, my only reprieve (though not adequate) was that I never intended to cause harm to them. I am not religious, but if a god existing then surely it would not allow humans to be so evil or malicious to non-human life forms.

My thinking is so incoherent, I can not maintain a conversation with anybody...most of the time I run out of things to say. I can never win an argument as usually I am never sure of myself and I get really nervous - then cracks start showing. Sometimes my mask breaks down and the argument gets heated and I always look like a fool due to my inability to come out with good counter-arguments which leads me to repeat myself in lame way - I also hate the sound of my own voice.

There are many chapters to my life, the one above is the latest one, but there is much more to write about myself though I feel particularly emotionless today.

I am very similar to you. About one year younger, vegan, but I make a fairly low salary, work only part-time and sadly am reduced to still living with my mom.

I feel like I have hide myself and close myself off from society because I don't live on my own at this advanced age which is a source of huge opprobrium and embarrassment in the United States. Even if I tried to make friends, or get a girlfriend, I would have nowhere to bring them. I am not totally lonely, since I do have some "fair weather" friends, but they are not like me and they are no help, infact being around them sometimes I feel more morose and lonely than ever. To give you an indication, one of my friends Edwin, knows alot of people in the area as he used to be a drug dealer and still makes some moves. He knows a lot of people, but they never help him, they only want him to supply them, or do drugs together with him. But if he is in trouble, he always relies on me and my brother. Infact, far as I concerned he is not a true friend, I would like to cut him off, I helped him too much and he will never change, he cares only about the next drug, cigarette, line or bottle of alcohol. If you get to know people you will realize that even those who are social butterflies are still pathetic. This guy George I know, is all about going out with his friends doing who knows what, but whenever he needs help he runs to his father. Except when his father needs him, he is always too busy running with his friends, so his father calls me for help. I could profile every acquaintance and fair weather friend and they will all be likewise similar. Not having a social life does not mean you are more pathetic than those types, believe me, perhaps you just are too alone and you can get around to imagining too much how better everyone else has it.

Friends just want to use you for entertainment, when people settle down and start a family, I guess they often realize this and stop hanging out with their former friends and tending to their family. After-all the entertainers that are friends won't help them, even if you had them other than perhaps distracting you from your loneliness they won't be of much use to you either. I think shallow and stupid people have it much easier, because they can deceive themselves that the modern type of fair weather friends matter.

Perhaps two things may be of interest to you :

1) A highly recommended book by Louise L. Hay called The Power Is Within You. She has gone through a lot of suffering in life and also managed to heal herself from cancer. Not only did she overcome her problems in life, she became one of the most well known motivational coaches. The book is an easy read. Real life examples are included in the book so it is not the typical theory and concept book. As the title suggests, it is about self-empowerment. All that you need to turn around your life is within you!

2) EFT - Emotional Freedom Technique. It is a very easy to learn technique to release trapped emotions within ourselves and EFT is gaining popularity very fast. It just involves tapping certain parts of our body while making verbal affirmations. Basically , it is a variation of acupuncture to assist the flow of energy in ourselves. There is an abundance of free material on the net regarding EFT.

See if the above methods resonate with you.

Be who you say you are .... and try to remember that in any moment, you can change your life by making a new decision. Truly you are a Master .... of your destiny.

Take care!

Welcome to the forums.

Families sucks, friends suck, life sucks. That's the gist I get from what you said. You really need to change your way of thinking, as hard and as impossible as it may seem. You need to stop thinking so negatively. Don't worry about defending yourself, seems like you get in some arguments or situations that you end up having to do that. Best thing to do is just walk away, especially if it is a lose/lose situation.

I feel if you can change your way of thinking you could accomplish so much more and have a much more positive attitude towards life.

And stop being late for work!

I agree with most of what they said above, I'd only add that you should take it easy on the masturbation, one time per day should be enough, otherwise it takes a big part of your energies.

Do you know, I am a musilm, and in our religion, if we feel like you. We go to pray and read the Quran, and after that really we feel comfortable.

so I dont know how I can help you, but try to make some thing special thing in your life.

Sounds like you need to break your routine. That means breaking out of your safe zone and doing something new. This can be as simple as having lunch with your co-workers.

Maybe you need to find a hobby or a project. I run a website. I also workout. I highly recommend you take up working out. That gets happy chemicals flowing in your body. You will feel much better.

Remember a quitter never wins and a winner never quits. Go out and be social just practice being social. It is easy, go out to a bar and ask a random question to a group of people. Then see how long you can keep the conversation going. If you make an idiot out of yourself who cares? After all, what are the chances you will see them again?

Um ... is it just me? or are all these posts really just comical and not at all serious?

"which is a source of huge opprobrium and embarrassment in the United States." .... LOL!