Got Nothing to Give, Got no Reason to Live

My first post on this blog, so bear with me.

I moved to New York City 3 years ago in order to be with my girlfriend.
She was the love of my life, I've never felt a connection with another human being ever in my life; it was rapture, heaven, I was a drop falling into the ocean. It all felt right for the first time in my life.
We broke up. She grew up, moved on, and forgot about me.

Now, I'm a severe pothead, alcoholic, and loner who has drifted through several groups of friends throughout college and has been betrayed and backstabbed by many girlfriends in the course. Acclamating to NYC isn't easy either. I feel like anything is better than this. I live alone in the East Village, unemployed, and hating myself.

My ex recently emerged back into my life insisting on seeing me, although I demurred telling her it wasn't a good idea (even though every impulse inside of me wanted to see her again, I was still in love despite 2 years of radio silence).

She tried to sleep with me, I again demurred saying I wasn't the type of person who does that, and now I've been drunk/stoned ever since, confused and hating myself. I don't know what to do.

I'm alone, shy, and drinking a 5th of Stolichnaya from 10am on. I feel so stuck and scared. I want to be a musician, but I'm so inhibited by my shyness.

I don't know what she meant by her random visit or what I should do with my life.

I'm sorry if this all seems vague/typical, by I have no one to cry to, and nowhere to call home.

It's not uncommon that 1 bad relationship can set us into a spiral of misery. Somehow, somewhere... you will get the power of self back.

I wish you luck in doing so. Welcome to the site 7

Man, first things first, you need to snap the hell out of it. Stop drinking, stop smoking weed, those two only make you're situation worse. Second start going on walks, it really helps clear the mind. Work out, exercise, run, bike, whatever, just get out of the crib. Now onto the other thing, if you still love her, why aren't you giving her another shot? When you say "shy", are you saying you're shy about getting back with her? That wouldn't make any sense. But, man you MUST seriously change that lifestyle of yours. Your current habits are the cause of all this.

Holi fresia. Youre just like me and the love of my life.
21 yrs of radio silence and then droping bombshells.
I did manage to put almost 20 years together of being clean and sober.
After a really bad break up from a LT I relapsed again.
Just like they say...it's as if I've nevered stopped.
That crazy life style of going through women and whatever it was I was escaping from.

It finally hitted me. The reason why I try to drink myself to death ( a slow suiecide).
That dangerous crazy out of controll life style. I felt I wasnt in controll of my life
21 years ago. I lost her again for the second time in my life.
I went on a run...I ran from my pains. Numbing out , checking out.
Life was like a twisted version of the twightzone.
Incomprehenceable demorilazations...yeah that's what it was
With money to burned, a big empty house, 2 sports cars...
Women and whine all the time. One night stands, two nights stands. i didnt really cared.
Happy i wasnt...Yeah life would be always half empty without her.

So it's like we kindda relieved all of that crazy honeysuckle over again this past year.
Much older now. I guess some of us never grew up.
**** kiddies now a days dont know how to party, hardy. We totally threw down
and ruled the fucken town like a couple of reckless outlaws.
I felt i could really live it up and breathe with her around.
Of course it turned into another major train wreack...
I lost her again...fresia! fresia! fresia!

It hurted like never before. I think I totally fucken snapped, snapped this time.
I'm clean and sober today. A little bit over 4 months.
She's clean and sober today too.
She loves me very much as i love her.
I'm grateful for that...I'm grateful we have a realtionship today.
I'm grateful we're both still alive for the honeysuckle we lived through.
Life isnt perfect..but its alot for her and I.
There's purposes in our lives today, The challenges facing us arnt easy.
Never the less....FIRST THINGS FIRST.

Ap_mayne said:

Man, first things first, you need to snap the hell out of it.

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Oh we are just a fount of sympathy aren't we.

SophiaGrace said:

Ap_mayne said:

Man, first things first, you need to snap the hell out of it.

Click to expand...

Oh we are just a fount of sympathy aren't we.

Click to expand...

No, it's cool. I need to be told it how it is, really. I've heard of people getting smacked sober, and it just may work the same with words.

Thanks for all the feedback to everyone. I wish I could personally respond to your messages, but I'm still mulling them all over... thanks

Hi 7Fathom,
Sounds like you have hit rock bottom. It helps to talk about things that bother us. You can't do anything about your girl friend, but you can do something about yourself. Whether or not you can see it, you do have something to give. You have your love of music and that is a gift if ever there was one. Many musicians find themselves in dark places of the soul. They take that pain and energy and they focus it into their work. They bring forth songs that touch the people who listen.
If you ever want to vent, I am here and the others also. Please don't feel alone. You are not alone in your loneliness. That place your in right now...you won't be there forever. You just have to figure out how to get out of it and I know you are trying to do that because you posted. I know your pain is great. You wouldn't be drinking and doing pot if it weren't. Can you tell us more about what it is you want to do and about your music? I'm interested if you want to share.

SophiaGrace said:

Ap_mayne said:

Man, first things first, you need to snap the hell out of it.

Click to expand...

Oh we are just a fount of sympathy aren't we.

Click to expand...

LOL

On the bright side, it can only get better from here, right? Glass half full and all that jazz.

First thing you need to do, as already mentioned, is to "snap the hell out of it". Quit the drinking and drugging, as it will only make you spiral further down. This will possibly be the most difficult thing to do, depending on how long you've been abusing. It is, however, crucial.

Second thing; if you really don't like it in NYC, why don't you move? I know finding a job is difficult, but some places are worse than others. Try searching for jobs all over the country, and move to wherever you get one. It might sound scary, but it's also exciting and fun. That's what I did, and I've not regretted it yet.

At any rate, I hope you manage to figure out what's best for you, and that everything will work out soon. If you don't have a reason to live, find one. Someone on this forum once mentioned volunteer work; never underestimate the sense of purpose you get when helping those even less fortunate. Good luck to you, and welcome to the forum!

Your ex needed a penis to call her own nothing more. She figured you were a good intermission from her current boyfriend. :/ though personally I would have taken the sex. >.> But that is me, I am a horny guy. I would later reject her reminding her that I am a straight guy, of course I had sex with her.

You have identified two forces in your life. They are often times viewed as destructive, because they are. However, that doesn't mean you cannot find others to shared your passion with. By the same measure there are plenty of people who want to give up those things and you can share in that. In the end everyone has only themselves to offer. You make yourself more awesome and things could get better. Make your nothing into something. Because then you will always have something

In the end though you have to change yourself and only you can do it.