Loneliness/Depression makes me want to stay in the house

In a way it makes sense, when I'm out, I can't hide that I'm alone. But that's the ultimate triumph of loneliness, needing to hide it, because that is the final trap that eats away at the whole rest of your life and what you could be doing. But breaking away from it feels painful.

I feel same.

oopsiedoop said:

In a way it makes sense, when I'm out, I can't hide that I'm alone.

Click to expand...

I know how this feels. I have taken two trips...essentially alone. What I mean is, I went there to follow behind a man, to whom I am mistress. Naturally he took his wife, and so, he would offer the same trips in the same resort, but I was always alone, save for those brief moments he would visit my hotel room. That made me even lonelier.
I don't go out very much because it is so obvious I am alone. I try and make it a lighter thing by calling it "dating myself" but that is just sad.

Try finding something you can enjoy doing outside. For me it's skating, running, and photographing.

For me it's psychological.

Go out more often...be more in the moment instead of your head.
You'll will notice more than half of the people are actaully out and about by themselves...
which i wouldnt know if they're single or not.
Yes, there's couples out too....but couples holding hands being romantic in public
are actaully a rare thing.


I see people out jogging all the time by themselves...95% of the people are doing
these activities alone.

Even in a bars....90% of the people are single.
Some women do attend bars by themselves..if I'm more mindful or observent.

When I can actually go on "self-dates" I do really enjoy it. Places that aren't social, like the movies or a museum. But anything else becomes a chore just because I'm alone. And couples actually inspire me. It's the regular people, out with friends or family. I do look at the people alone but there aren't many and the ones who are usually look dodgy.

Im curious?
Have you been in a relationship before?
While in a relationship...you kind da wish you were single again? LOL

I mean...you dont really want to be..be single..but it's that feeling becuase relationships
feels stupid and retarded sometimes...all the fighting,...etc..etc.
Sometimes you'll go through a dull stage. Kind of like...There has to be more to this?LOL

---

Just my experince.....

As bad s my depression was a couple of years ago. As strange as it might be.

There was good that came out of it...
Today...my mind and body simply wont allow itself to get to that state again.

Its almost like a natural instint. intuitions, Or reflex.
Kind of like...I wont put my hands in the fire again.

Ive never been that depressed again..

---

Its kind of like a threashold I crossed.
A breaking point or a bottom as some would put it.

All the counseling, advice...etc didnt help me until I got to that piont.

My sponsor knew that process.
He simply told me that I needed to sit in my own honeysuckle for a while....
He never judge me nor told me what to do...He only let me know that he cares for me and loves while I was going through my despairs...That I would be OK. He didnt try to fix me.

I simply grasp it oneday. However it was a process of me getting to that piont.
I hope that makes sense.

He also never jusdge me. When I went through this other stage...
I simply snap out of that crazy lonely funk and got too socailable and went out almost every night...chased differnt women...ect..ect.
He knew eventaully I would get tire of that too or learn whatever I needed to learn. Today...intuitivelty I wont do those things. I dont need advice..etc
My mind and body simply wont allow me to go there again.
All the arguing about morals and values
didnt make a hell of beans to me..
It was more about growing pains.lol
Its contant progress a little bit at a time
as I better and better.
Or some wuld put it...WELL

My whole's life's been about reaching a deeper bottom.

Fighting in a relationship is nowhere near as bad as fighting with yourself. If it gets near, you just leave. Can't do that with yourself. You went to women, goody for you. Who am I supposed to go to?

Yes...figthing with myself indeed. Maybe that's why I go to women...if only for a while
I can stop fighting myself. Please her, love her or whatever it is I'll do..even if she takes
advantage of me sometimes...it's still not as painful as figthing myself.

Some say to just surrender...
Surrender what?
And what in the hell dose that actaully imply?

Stop fighthing myself?. Surrender to myself?...oki doki
Surrender my pains, my sorrows, my Dis-EASE?

A quote from a recovery book.
" I've stopped figthing myself, everyone and everything around me"

"Let go, turn it over to god..." Oki doki
What If I dont believe in a GOD and if there is a god, I dont understand god?

"Im a child of god, no more nor no lesss than the moons and stars"...
If only i can believe in that at the core of my being.
I guess I'm fighting that idea and beliefs too.


So, there i was again...another bottom. Not too long ago.
I did anything and everything to make it right.
I did what was asked of me. Never enough everything i do
isnt good enough or nothing works out as they should.
Freaken a normal person wouldnt even have to go through so much length and honeysuckle would work
out for them...so why dont I get the same fucken results or sometype of positive out come?

I remember that long drive dark in the death of night, Lost and alone more than ever before.
I did all I could. I gave up...I guess I surrendered. I let go of it all. I couldnt bare that pain anymore.
I say my prayers..actaully I was crying my heart out asking for GOD's help or whatever.
Whatever power it was i didnt belive in nor even understood.

I also remember...at the break of dawn the next morning.
The phone call as I was on a highway on the road to nowhere.
She told me she loves me very much but i needed to stopped fight her.
I stood out in in the middle of nowhere and spoke to her for hours.
I didnt know what to believe...in god or in her.
I didnt know if I could trust her , god or anyone.

MAybe God did something for me I couldnt do for myself...IDK

I did made a promise to her. I've havnt made a promise to anyone for decades.
Oneday at a time. I've have been able to do that.
Not fight her, not hurt her in anyways, mentally, emotionally, phsycailly or spiritually.

So today she ask something more of me...
That I remain faithful to her. That she wants to devote her love and life to me and our children.
I promise her that I would. I've never made that promise to anyone in my life before.
Thats a lot for her and I. Thats a lot coming from her..for her to actaully come right out and
say what she feels in her heart. She means everything to me.
It's like a miracle for us to get to this piont.


I have faith in that. I believing in that. I trust in that. I trust in her.

And I whatever it is I dont fully understand
weathtever it's God, HP, the power of universe, the power of love...etc..etc
I'm not figthing whatever that dark force, evil, darkside...etc. I'm not figthing that.
I turst in that...I trust in GOD. (i guess if you want to label it as god or whatver power that is)

I'm not fighting whatever it is that's going to keep her and i apart or dystroy our love and lives.

I guess I'm kindda stop fighthing myself more and more everyday.

She's calling me right now...I guess that's another miracle.
Im grateful.

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When i first sign up to this forum there was a thread in the general or newbie section.
It kind da jump out at me. It teachings that Bruce Lee bowworred from somewhere.
There's different versions of it in the western hemosphire.
It was the message I need to hear or see.
The short version of it.
"EMPTY OUT YOUR CUP BEFORE FILLING YOUR CUP"

Or You must let go of what you have in your hands if it's full in order to revieve more.

The emptying out of my cup...pretains to my old ideas or unworkable beliefs.
Wash , rainse and repeat,...wash rainse and repeat...sometimes.
It's also a kind of universal prinicples.


I must let go of my pains, sorrows, self defeating behaiovors, lonliness, depression...etc..ect
before happiness, peace, joy, positives...etc.etc can enter my mind or life.
becuase my mind can only focus on onething at a time. Whatever that dominate thought is...is how I would live my life.
How i see myself, how I feel about myself. My perceptions of myself...is my selfworth or self esteem.

Then I notice...a self fullfling phrochecy...It made sense to me.
becuase I was also getting this very same message in recovery literature.
"WE LIVE IN ACCORDANCE TO OUR BELIEFS.

When I first sign up on here. i was in a very,very bad depression.
After living through a very toxic relationship and a death of
someone I love very much. I bascailly had PTSD which also
plays into my depression even more....

Yes..I had to force myself to go out in public...alone.
I remember going through that stage.
Being around people actaully made me feel physically sick.
I sweat and wanted to vommit.

I knew i had to get WELL. i also knew..I wasnt going to get well
automatically...it would take work and effort on my part...
Just the same as if someone got into a major physical injury.
The theorpy of learning to walk again...etc..etc.

As I made progress...still struggling some what. My mind got clearer.
I cvontinue to seek for salutions.
Then I came across the sedona mehtode..which helps me lots.

I also came aross many othr literutres.
I also re read my reocvery literture.

I aslo observe other people in my support groups...how they were struggling.

I was getting the same messages over and over again....

My mistakes was trying to discipline my beharious first...Thats why I was constantly struggling or I would do the same honeysuckle over and over again...
consiously or subconsiously.

I finally figure it out or saw the light.
I needed to change my beleifs first then my actions would aslo be automatic to my beleifs.
Thats what recvery had been telling me all these years to begin with...but I had the buggie before the horse. An error or mistake.

Our beleifs is the CAUSE
Our actions are the EFFECTS.

---

So when I hitted that bottom recently...
I knew there was doupt in my mind or I became negative or focus on negative stuff....I reverted to my old ways..

So I just decided to be poisitive
and believe that Renae and I are married already.

Since then..we have been getting closer and closer. In a nutshell Renae wants to be my wife saying shes devoting herself to me..its bascially a marriage vow or a committment vow on her part

I also believe Im a very loving husband and father...

All these things are manifesting itself.


Just believe your a loving beautiufl women and plenty of men wants you and will treat you with the most love and repect..Hold on to that thought...or make it ur dominate thought...

Its bascially what Im doing..
Its working for me......

---

Ive also obcerse peole that comes on this forum or cettain members....
going round and round in circles.

Beliving that thier lives sucks..they re
not good enough....etc..etc.

Thats plenty of proofs for me...

So I bascailly do the opposite of what they do...I work on myself. Change my belefs and attitdue..

I used to feel that way for years, oopsiedoop, until I got sick of crawling into my quiet little world and feeling sorry for myself. Now it's much the opposite when I'm lonely/depressed, I feel the longing get out there and discover new places in the world, and meet new people. Breaking away would be less painful than wasting away, I would think.

And I used to feel quite optimistic, until I actually went out there.

Sometimes you have to take the body first then the mind will follow.
Most of the the time you'll have to take the body consistently out.

Look at it this way....you kept the body in over and over again for long time.
Your mind simply adjusted to isolations over time as unhealthy as it is.

You simply just have to reverse the process.
Your mind will catch up eventually over time if youre persistent at leaving your house.

Thats why I made a committment to just talk walks every night...(baby steps)
I remember for a couple of weeks...I force myself to seat at a park bench for a
couple of hours. All my mind wanted to do was go home.

Gradually I started jogging..(this too help releave my depression).
I couldnt jog a mile at first...so I walked it and jogged it.

Then I made a commitment of jogging a mile.
My mind would tell me to stop...my body was in pain.
But I also had aonther part me saying...yes you can...
So i built on that...I increased it to 2 miles.
Again....at the 1 1/2 mile piont...my mind and body would scream out in pains to stop.
But I had a goal and purpose...Jog the 2 miles.

Then I rode my bicycle everywhere or made a committment to ride it 5 miles everyday.
Even though I had a car.
An another important step....I was afraid of what people may think of me.
Id notice all the stupid honeysuckle the committee in my head worrying what people may think of me.LOL
After I while I'll just rode my bike down town or wherever. I didnt worry so much.
My self esteem....

Then I started working out...the same process. Baby steps.
Now I have nice firm sexy body too. My firm body is the bi product.

First and formost it was about my mental health and deciplining my mind.

The concept of taking the body first then the mind will follow.


Hopefully you have a nice park, beach, mall, coffee shop...etc..etc
A place you can go out side of your house.

Make it a part of your sechdule everyday.

it helped me a lot.

No, that's not what happened. I started wanting to stay in because of what happens "out there". I mean, it doesn't even make any sense that I would have stayed in a lot otherwise, right??

Being around poeple made me physically ILL.
My body sweat and I wanted to vommit.
This is what happened to me after I isolated myself.

I wasnt always like that. I went into a deep depression after Jenni died.
I was in tears all the time...plus I saw her everywhere i went.
I thought she was haunting me...So I didnt want people to think I was crazy.LOL
So I stayed home more often...Slowly the days blurrr into weeks, then months.
I became BATman....I wouldnt even go outside. Thats how bad it got for me.

It got even worst. I gotten so depressed sometimes I would sleep for days to not feel depressed.
Everthing became a major challenge for me. Simple task as telling myself to get out bed..
Yeap...depression wanted me to lay in bed all day and all night after a while.
I didnt think it would get that bad....but it did.
I remember telling myself to get out of bed but my body wouldnt move or it felt like it wieght a ton.
Just keeping myself awake for a couple of hours p day was a challenge...but that how bad it got.

Again...I wasnt always like that. I didnt think it could happen to me.
It can happen to anyone...becuase our mind and body adjust accordingly even if it's not healthy.

Why did you isolate yourself in the first place? Argh, I give up on repeating myself.

I said....I saw dead people.

I'm not sure if it was just my mind playing tricks on me.
I saw Jenni's face everywhere I went.
Everything reminded me of her....Places, people and things.
Sometimes I'd catch myself answering to her as if she was still alive.
I couldnt stopped crying for weeks after her death.
I was grieving really, really bad.

As a man, I dint want people to see me crying like that but I was crying
all the time and I couldnt stopped.

Why did it hitted me so hard?
You're awear of growning up in a dysfucntional home with alcoholism involved?

As an ACOA or ACA we tend and do get into relationships with alcoholics as we become adults,
as stated in Acoa litertaure.

My fiance, ex-wf, exGfs and pretty much all the women I got involved with are alcoholics/addicts
or have all sorts of addictions problems..anywhere from sex, gambling, drinking or poping prescribe pillis.

Jenni was a normie.
And so was Andrea.

I was a major partier driing my HS years. After I wreck my truck with alcohol involved,
I lost pretty much all of my partying friends.

Thats when Andrea and I started having a relationship.
Andrea was a very pretty girl that most guys wanted to date but she wouldnt give
then time of the day...But she was also a NORMIE.
Every intelligent, very mature, very non toxic and very, very LOving.
I started getting my honeysuckle together...My educations and music. She encourage me.
We share a locker together, eat lunch together and I wlaked her home everyday.
Andrea loved me for me....Jenni was the same way.
Andrea died a week before the prom.

So this was the pattern...All the sick messed up are still alive.
The truely, truely nice ones died on me.

I actaully never grieved for Andrea all those years all these years.
I bascailly started partying very very hard again after Andrea's death to numb out everything.

Then of course there's that GOD thing. I felt very, vert angery at GOD for taking
Nice loving people out of my life. I have no say so in the matters.

It's also one of the factors why I wanted to vommit at life in general.

Everything is all messed up.....So I kind of gave up on life.

To this day...I struggle with alocholism in my life.
Yes...my Finace or Ex-finace is the same person.

I dont fully understand why GOD would keep my alive after all these years
and what purpose god would have for me.
And for the longest time...I didnt fully understand why GOD took Jenni out of my life.

Jennie read these words to me before she died..
" nothing absolutly nothing happens by mistake in god's world"
Her death wasnt a mistake....and it was God's will......

So when Renae contacted me after i havnt heard from her for many many years.
She didnt know what I beleives or didnt. I was struggling with the GOD thing
These were the words that came out of her mouth...
She said that she had been praying....(which she usually dosnt.)
"It was gods plans for us to reunite"
Again, Reane was my fiance. I asked her to marry me 23 yrs ago.

For the first time in my life I could actaully make sense and purpose in my
life again. For the first time in a long time I could and want to believe in GOD and turst in GOD.

Loving Renae is more than just me falling in love with her...It's more about me
getting closer to GOD.

The worst part is that, unless you are really confident, you become really self aware and awkward when you are out alone. For me something as simple as grocery shopping by myself can wear me down for the day. I can spend all day being active if I'm with a friend but as soon as I'm alone I can't do anything.