"Friends" at work

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fgbfjb

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I had to move to a new city for a job. Unfortunately, this was a city where I knew no one and I'm not married or dating anyone so it's just me out here. I don't have social anxiety but I've never been good at making friends. The few friends I made, I met in school. At this job, there are some people there around my age and we all get along and have lunch together often. After a month or so I went out one night with two of my coworkers, Bob and Steve(these aren't their real names), and we had a great time together so we keep hanging out every now and then. To keep the story short, a new guy, let's call him Bill, was hired after me and became close friends with Bob. Bob started hanging with Bill more often and it's gotten to the point where I can't even get in contact with Bob outside of work. Steve got a new girlfriend and now only spends time with her and I can't get a hold of him outside of the office either. So right now it's like I'm a friend at work but once we're outside of the office they don't know me anymore. It's feels like I was filling a void for them until they found someone they liked better. As I was drifting apart from Bob and Steve, I became closer to Jill and now it seems like the same thing is happening with her. We talk to each other all day during work hours but if I send a text to her over the weekend it's like she doesn't exist and then come Monday she talks to me like nothing ever happened, yet she fills Bob's phone with texts all weekend and Bob hates Jill. Bob talks so much honeysuckle about Jill and I defend her all the time, and now she's ignoring me for him. I'm the only one that's a real friend to her. Lately every Monday I come to work I hear about what Bob and Bill did over the weekend and about how Jill tried to meet up with them to hang out. What bothers me the most is that these people call me friend and buddy Monday through Friday during work hours but if I want to hang out outside of that time frame, I'm treated like a stranger. If I'm not your friend then don't call me a friend and pretend to be my friend at work. So basically now I'm back to being completely alone out here and I'm about to snap.
 
Jill has a crush on Bob, that is pretty obvious, unfortunately Bob is an ass hat behind her back. Good for you for sticking up for her though.

I'm in a similar situation as you. I moved to a strange new town where I knew no one, only made "friends" with people I work with but never hang out with them. Mostly due to the difference in age, some were older, some where younger. A work it's like we're best of pals, have things in common, can talk all day long, yet that's where it ends. Not like I'd hang out with my current employee, he's 20 years my junior, I'm old enough to be his dad...but we get along really well. We have similar interests and I like hearing about his adventures. He's the complete opposite, very outgoing, very confident, very comfortable in his own skin. He tells me practically everything, things his parents or his real friends don't even know. I had one friend at my last job that I was closer in age with and we worked together all the time so we knew each other inside and out. We even hung out a few times after work. But when he quit that all ended, he completely cut ties with me.

Don't get discouraged though, just keep doing what you are doing. Take what you can get right now. Maybe Steve will break up with his girlfriend and need a bud to hang out with again. Then you'll be glad you kept that friendship going even if it is just at work. Same with Jill, maybe she'll learn what Bob has been saying about her or realize he doesn't like her, she'll still have you as a friend. Grant you, you might have to put up with a bit of anger on her part but being a friend is listening to that too.
 
I can relate. Most people in the world do not make good friends. They are way too self-absorbed to take care with each other's emotions. People are two-faced and most of the time they really are just using you . If you have been neglected or abandoned by someone, you can maybe take comfort in the fact that most people are so ******* shitty, they will most likely end up doing the same to someone else what they did to you. I would try be very cautious especially with someone who starts off showing real active interest in befriending in you, no matter how kind and genuine they seem. The more interest they showed in you, the more happily they'll probably be to drop you like a bad habit when you least expect it. It's weird, but that seems to be a pattern with people. They of course, won't be upfront about what they're doing either, but will casually drift away from you while maybe remaining on "polite" terms and expecting you to just do the same as happily as they are. People are liars and cowards, who will only let you down. If we were designed to be emotionally more equipped for complete isolation, it would be so much better. Have a nice day all.
 
I can relate so much to what you wrote, fg. In past work situations, I've always been the "Monday-Friday" friend, but never the "all the time" friend. So I've stopped trying to make friends at work because I got tired of being the only person persuing the friendship. There are a few people I work with that I'm friendly with, but wouldn't consider them friends. However, I do have one friend at work and she's the only one who's been there for me so I feel lucky to have met her. She's the exception to the rule. And soul_in_isolation - you wrote exactly how I've been feeling for the longest time.
 
Glad to hear, Tristeza.
Of course I was bitterly ranting, having been reminded of my painful situation of loss recently. I stick by my feelings about most people's selfishness and dishonesty, and although I am also still in bitter contemplation about opening up to someone ever again, I suppose a "give up" attitude won't bring peace to those like us.

Our hearts are fragile and become a bigger risk to expose the more they have been wounded. Your friends, OP, sound not only very typically self-absorbed, but quite shady. It looks like a situation where you were collected and used only for purposes of boosting a shallow "friend" count thus making themselves appear more popular/sociable. I'm familiar with that position. It's not a recent familiarity, but the hurt of my particular situation does feels funnily identical (they all do).

It is heinously devastating when your friendship means far more to you than the other person. Never with anyone before did I hit it off so well as my ex-friend. This was a person I could not believe how well I related to, after most of my life believing a person like that only existed in fantasy. And I believed right, of course.

I suspect he was overwhelmed in the way we connected, causing him to back off. I honestly don't think I was being too clingy by any means, but I did share a lot with him a bit fast. The thing is, I was sharing in response to him, and he shared just as much. He was also the one who explicitly offered his friendship. How was I to know that reciprocating fully not what he desired?

He mustn't have valued the friendship much, or obviously regretted something. Idk, it's bullshit, he wanted it, then he didn't. I expected not only a nicer person, but more of a ******* adult out of him, because he gave me that impression. I expected he'd have more of a soul than to hurt someone who confided in him she was sensitive and rued missing out on a social life. You must have felt similarly Op, that your friends would be more considerate. It hurts to be misled and we deserved better. Can only hope beyond hope that better people are out there.
 
soul_in_isolation said:
I can relate. Most people in the world do not make good friends. They are way too self-absorbed to take care with each other's emotions. People are two-faced and most of the time they really are just using you . If you have been neglected or abandoned by someone, you can maybe take comfort in the fact that most people are so ******* shitty, they will most likely end up doing the same to someone else what they did to you. I would try be very cautious especially with someone who starts off showing real active interest in befriending in you, no matter how kind and genuine they seem. The more interest they showed in you, the more happily they'll probably be to drop you like a bad habit when you least expect it. It's weird, but that seems to be a pattern with people. They of course, won't be upfront about what they're doing either, but will casually drift away from you while maybe remaining on "polite" terms and expecting you to just do the same as happily as they are. People are liars and cowards, who will only let you down. If we were designed to be emotionally more equipped for complete isolation, it would be so much better. Have a nice day all.

****! too familiar
 
Yup. Generally as a rule of thumb, people will use you in the working world if they get the chance. Sadly gotten around to getting used myself in my latest work place, but I guess I'm used to being the last chicken in the pecking order.

I don't suppose I'll really connect with any of them- given the line of work, they'd most likely give no second thought to stepping over me if it managed to help their position in the company hierarchy- they sure as hell aren't giving me any credit for the stuff I've been doing for them since I started out in Evil Co.
 
Every time I come back to this site I find another topic or post that fits me to the letter! Every single job I have ever had I've collected "friends". Unfortunatly for me they treated me better while I was working at these places than these @sshats seem to have treated you. The problem was once the job was over so was any friendship that may have been. It's truly sad the way humanity insists on pursuing this destructive nature. All I have to say is be glad I dont have super powers. Some people are heroes and others villians. Lets just say I'd wipe the Earth from the face of the galaxy once and for all. Take that Darwin!
 
If you think about it, where do we meet and make most of our friends? At work. School counts too cause that is work even though you don't get paid for it. LOL! Work, school, it's where we make a good percentage of our friends.
 
soul_in_isolation said:
I can relate. Most people in the world do not make good friends. They are way too self-absorbed to take care with each other's emotions. People are two-faced and most of the time they really are just using you . If you have been neglected or abandoned by someone, you can maybe take comfort in the fact that most people are so ******* shitty, they will most likely end up doing the same to someone else what they did to you. I would try be very cautious especially with someone who starts off showing real active interest in befriending in you, no matter how kind and genuine they seem. The more interest they showed in you, the more happily they'll probably be to drop you like a bad habit when you least expect it. It's weird, but that seems to be a pattern with people. They of course, won't be upfront about what they're doing either, but will casually drift away from you while maybe remaining on "polite" terms and expecting you to just do the same as happily as they are. People are liars and cowards, who will only let you down. If we were designed to be emotionally more equipped for complete isolation, it would be so much better. Have a nice day all.


I am new and haven't had a chance to post my intro post yet but since this topic is the reason for my joining, I hope you don't mind my replying. The quote really depresses me, yet, sadly, forumulates a summary of nearly my entire life experience (almost 50 years). Lately I've been feeling particularly down about having almost no friends anymore (like as in zero) and this is further complicated by the fact that I haven't worked in over a decade due to health issues and rarely leave my home except to go to the store or things like that. It can hurt to feel friendless and very lonely. I can only say in response to the original OP not to take it to heart and trust your instincts. Your gut will never steer you wrong. You know if you are being jerked around and while it does suck, it's better to admit it to yourself than to try to tell yourself that someone is your friend when they are not. That always ends up hurting way more. Good luck! P.S. Dogs make great friends.
 
This sounds like a really complicated situation and I completely sympathise. It's so rubbish when people are being fake like that, all the 'buddy' stuff when it sounds as though they have brushed you aside. Only shallow people behave like that, decent people do not pal up and then drop you for no reason.

It must be a very hard situation for you at the moment being in a new place, feeling alone and then having this to deal with at work. Very uncomfortable. All I can say about that is that I have been through similar things struggling to find a good group of friends and I am also quite sensitive to these types of 'fake' behaviour. I have been on the receiving end and it upset me a lot so I relate to those parts of your situation. Things are not perfect now, but I have made the decision to stop chasing round after people who don't appear to care about me and I feel better for it. That created a space in my life for some real friends which was hard for a while... lonely. But recently I have met one or two nice new people which is quite promising and honestly, the contrast between them and the idiots who passed for my friendship group before is huge! It really shows me that I was right to stick to my guns. I think sometimes you have to do just that - go through a difficult phase where you do feel alone, where things don't quite come together... and without falling out with anyone at work just try to be strong and hold out for good people. And though it IS hard (I won't say it isn't), it is also worth it in my view.

You're clearly a good guy or you wouldn't have bothered to make a post like this one, instead you'd be off playing petty office politics and ingratiating yourself with the in crowd. Good on you for NOT doing that! There are other people out there who will recognise and value your genuine qualities.

I suppose if you're looking for advice it's this:

- Try and do things outside the office that will just be fun and get you meeting other people. From then, you're bound to get chatting and new social avenues will open up. I'm not saying you will have instant new best friends but the likelihood is that if you get 'out there' you will meet nice people, you'll feel more alive and you'll be a lot less likely to be as bothered by this work situation

- Stick to your guns and don't get involved with the ins and outs and complications of this shallow group of people at work. It will probably weigh on you a bit - it is rather galling - but try not to be upset by it if that's possible. Just be courteous and leave it at that... hopefully in time you will no longer be working with these people.

Well that's all I could think of to say, I only read the OP not the other posters but I hope some of it helps.
 

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