Changing people vs Fixing people.

annik · Oct 17, 2011

I guess we have all been told at least once that we shouldn't go into a relationship thinking or hoping we can change someone. We should love them for who they are. I myself once got told off when I joked that I'd "trained" by then boyfriend to hang his coat up and keep a hotel room tidy when we were away. "Oh you shouldn't try to change people" was the narky response. Hmm I'd say thats just too people being considerate. He learnt to be a bit more tidy and I learnt to let some things go and we met more in the middle. Plus we were only talking about the one or two nights every week / fortnight he spent with me. When he was at home he was able to do what the hell he liked. I just wanted a nice tidy room because to me thats a bit more romantic.

So it would seem society thinks trying to change people no matter now subtlety = bad. Why then does it seem ok for people to be with people like myself, people with problems and issues and try to "fix" them? I've had this with every boyfriend I've ever had to different degrees. Yes in a way you could say they cared or were trying to help but when its a case of when you don't or can't "get over everything" in minutes you're called pathetic and belittled why should I have to put up with it? I recognise myself that I need to improve areas of my life and sort out some issues but people should love me with them or in spite of them instead of getting with me and then getting frustrated that they can't "fix" me and blaming me. My problems aren't who I am but at this moment in time they are a part of me and a part I still want loved.

guld · Oct 17, 2011

I've never been in a relationship, so I've got no ideas what kind of demands it puts on you as a person, in reality. I'm having a very hard time imagining myself being able to be in a relationship, with all my problems. I understand it must be tough!

theSmokingRabbit · Oct 17, 2011

You can't help but change people.

As people we do change naturally through biological and environmental factors all the time.

If I'm becoming slightly more clean or less sarcastic then that's fine. Good luck, but that's fine. Especially if it's so that I can be with someone I love more often and assuming they reciprocate.

Ask any of those people about an annoying habit their lovers have had and why they stopped...

Win.

SophiaGrace · Oct 17, 2011

I demand all my lovers change....

Into transformers.

theSmokingRabbit · Oct 17, 2011

SophiaGrace said:
I demand all my lovers change....

Into transformers.

Autobots or Decepticons? (wary)

Sprint · Oct 17, 2011

I don't demand anyone change. This is why I'm very particular about who I'm with. Unfortunately though people hide things about themselves. That's where the issues come in. Otherwise, no reason to change anyone... if I choose right in the first place.

SophiaGrace said:
I demand all my lovers change....

Into transformers.

*Contemplates what type of gas mileage his (potential) gf could get*

Arcane · Oct 17, 2011

my fiance wants help to change...and i want his help...we both have serious mental issues >.<

annik · Oct 17, 2011

FunkyBuddha said:
You can't help but change people.

As people we do change naturally through biological and environmental factors all the time.

If I'm becoming slightly more clean or less sarcastic then that's fine. Good luck, but that's fine. Especially if it's so that I can be with someone I love more often and assuming they reciprocate.

Ask any of those people about an annoying habit their lovers have had and why they stopped...

Win.

I'm not against natural change or compromise as I said. Two people especially when they start to live together need to meet in the middle a lot as it were.

Its just I think people would think that getting with someone thinking you can change them is wrong. Like women who marry womanisers thinking they can make them family men or guys that get with girls then go on about them dressing differently. This is seen as bad.

Whereas it seems ok for people to start a relationship then try to fix another persons problems. As someone said if they have hidden them then thats one issue but getting with someone knowing they have problems then telling them they need to "get over" them because you won't tolerate them is ludicrous.

If you can't love me with my problems I don't want you to love me at all is how I'm starting to think.

I think its seen as better because you can dress it up as being because you care. About it being about the other person rather than yourself but when it boils down to it I think it has more to do with people not wanting other peoples problems to effect there lives.

Oh by the way FunkyBuddha I'm not directed that all at you! I was just answering your point about how change is natural...then I just went off into rant territory.

Arcane said:
my fiance wants help to change...and i want his help...we both have serious mental issues >.<

Support is something else, support is great. I'm talking about when a change is forced on you by someone after staarting a realationship. Thats what I see as wrong.

Arcane · Oct 17, 2011

oh yeah. my fiance also "forces" me to not be social because he fears people will flirt with me and vice versa. im not allowed to go basically anywhere without him. this i think is wrong

theSmokingRabbit · Oct 17, 2011

Thinking you can change them is wrong but you have to expect that some change will happen whether good or bad.

I completely agree with you on the woman getting with an ******* set in his ways. Most of the time those women do it to themselves unfortunately.

annik said:
If you can't love me with my problems I don't want you to love me at all is how I'm starting to think.

Yes.

I want someone who is accepting of me in the same way I'll be accepting of them.

p.s. XP I love your font so much. It's very... pleasant.

annik · Oct 17, 2011

Arcane said:
oh yeah. my fiance also "forces" me to not be social because he fears people will flirt with me and vice versa. im not allowed to go basically anywhere without him. this i think is wrong

I'd agree thats wrong. It must be hard to support a person while not letting then control you.

theSmokingRabbit · Oct 17, 2011

Arcane said:
oh yeah. my fiance also "forces" me to not be social because he fears people will flirt with me and vice versa. im not allowed to go basically anywhere without him. this i think is wrong

It is within your power to change this.

One can't be controlled by the jealousy and paranoia of another.

annik · Oct 17, 2011

FunkyBuddha said:
Thinking you can change them is wrong but you have to expect that some change will happen whether good or bad.

I completely agree with you on the woman getting with an ******* set in his ways. Most of the time those women do it to themselves unfortunately.

annik said:

If you can't love me with my problems I don't want you to love me at all is how I'm starting to think.

Click to expand...

Yes.

I want someone who is accepting of me in the same way I'll be accepting of them.

p.s. XP I love your font so much. It's very... pleasant.

Its kind of a cliche that example really isn't it and yeap those women are more or less setting themselves up for a fall.

I've been on the receiving end of my second example! My ex was obsessed with me changing my hair cut and colour because in his mind he though it would prove I loved him because I'd do it just for him. It got to the point where he brought hair mags on dates and I turned into a crazy women with an irrational hatred of redheads!

My advice if you're totally set on a hair type date a girl that fits it!!

Its an easier rule to state than to live by that though. I know my problems make me quite hard to love...

Thank you! I likey my font too.

theSmokingRabbit · Oct 17, 2011

annik said:
I know my problems make me quite hard to love...

Nothin' worth having ever came easy.

Badjedidude · Oct 17, 2011

People cannot "fix" other people.

SophiaGrace · Oct 17, 2011

Badjedidude said:
People cannot "fix" other people.

I have a monkey wrench and I know how to use it. (un)

annik · Oct 17, 2011

FunkyBuddha said:
annik said:

I know my problems make me quite hard to love...

Click to expand...

Nothin' worth having ever came easy.

Badjedidude said:
People cannot "fix" other people.

This may or may not be true. I lean towards it being true. However they try to and thats my problen...

SkuzzieMuff · Oct 17, 2011

You can't fix who people are. They are who they are, and they'll always be that way. But if they want to change some of their habits, that can be a good thing. Asking your boyfriend to hang up his coat and to be more tidy in your place should be fine, as long as he's fine with it. If he wasn't, then maybe you two wouldn't have been right for each other. It's good to hear he didn't mind the change.
The problems come from when you try to change the person, and who they are. It's really impossible, at least, for someone to change another. Whether a person can change for their own reasons, I still do not know.

annik · Oct 17, 2011

SkuzzieMuff said:
You can't fix who people are. They are who they are, and they'll always be that way. But if they want to change some of their habits, that can be a good thing. Asking your boyfriend to hang up his coat and to be more tidy in your place should be fine, as long as he's fine with it. If he wasn't, then maybe you two wouldn't have been right for each other. It's good to hear he didn't mind the change.
The problems come from when you try to change the person, and who they are. It's really impossible, at least, for someone to change another. Whether a person can change for their own reasons, I still do not know.

Yeah I agree with you. For me its a question of whether your working with each other or against each other.

I'd also say that if I person is going to sort out their issues it has to be because they want to not because they feel forced or pressured and especially not if its a "do this or I'll leave you" sort of stuation.

Limlim · Oct 17, 2011

I had an ex girlfriend with bipolar disorder once who didn't really like to take her medication because she didn't like how it changed her from who she really was.... But then complained about how she was upset all the time (at 2 or 3 am after waking me up with random crying) about how she wanted to change.

Being all bleary eye'd and half asleep I'd go "uh... could go back to the psychologist, councilor, therapist, or back on the pills to see if they can help?" at which point she'd whine and yell saying "Stop trying to change me! This is who I am!!" after a brief pause of just looking at her to see if she had realized what she just said, I'd go "okay... uh... don't do any of that then?" To which she would reply with more wailing to the tune of "But I want to change! Why wont you support me???"

At this point I'd be imagining taking a pillow and smothering her face with it. It was a very nice thought.

Sleeping on the couch isn't so bad really, it's like camping!

Changing people vs Fixing people.

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

SophiaGrace

Guest

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

SophiaGrace

Guest

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Well-known member

Similar threads

Join the conversation!

Join today and get all the highlights of this community direct to your inbox. It's FREE!