Sex after marriage out-dated?

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meekthoughts

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[EDIT] I realize that the thread title could be a bit misleading. :p I mean sex ONLY after marriage.

For all my life, I've always been a strong believer in abstinence until after marriage. It's not really about romance and it's not that I think it will not be enjoyable either. I just don't want to do it with anyone other than the person I will spend the rest of my life with. Well, maybe it does have to do with romance.

Do many other people in this day and age think the same way, or am I way too old-fashioned? Would guys be steered away from dating me if they knew this? I know some of you will say that if he really cared for me, he would respect my decision. That works in the beginning of a relationship, but after dating for a while isn't it probable that he will start getting frustrated at me for waiting?

Despite this I still want to wait, but I don't want sex-until-after-marriage to ruin my chances of even getting to the marriage step in the first place. Am I in for a lot of disappointment? And if I do get into a relationship, should I tell him about this from the beginning?

Note: I respect your opinion, but if you would like to suggest not taking the abstinence route, please be civil about it.
 
this is how i see marriage today... if two people love each other enough to share each other in that way then marriage shouldnt matter. i dont think marriage means what it used to anymore. people just jump right into it without thinking enough about it. i feel like its become more of just a legal status than anything else. im sure it still means something to some people, but in general i dont think its the same anymore.
 
edgecrusher said:
this is how i see marriage today... if two people love each other enough to share each other in that way then marriage shouldnt matter. i dont think marriage means what it used to anymore. people just jump right into it without thinking enough about it. i feel like its become more of just a legal status than anything else. im sure it still means something to some people, but in general i dont think its the same anymore.

Thanks for replying. I do completely agree with you, despite my take on marriage. Marriage is not what it used to be and there are many who love each other deeply but don't actually get married.

Marriage still means a lot to me, even though it's only a legal status. Just like how many couples treasure valentine's day when it is just a marketing scheme. If marriage never existed or was not standard, then I suppose my statement would change to "wait until after both man and woman promise/plan to spend the rest of their lives together in a loving relationship."
 
I'm in the middle on this.

I admire the OP for keeping the idea of romance alive :p

I think edgecrusher sort of summed up my feelings well. It's all in the context of the act really.

If someone's just sleeping with everyone they go out with (or even meet) about 2 weeks after they've got to know them, that's kind of trivialising something that's meant to be an important part of a relationship.

On the other hand, no sex until marriage seems a little sort of...arbitrary to me.

I'm the sort of guy who'd probably date a girl for about 1-3+ years before I married her. Other men might date a girl for 6 months before they decided marriage was appropriate. Or they might date her for even longer.

So why when married does "everything change" when really it's just a formalisation of a bond between two people?

To me, it seems a little counter-intuitive to really love someone, know almost for certain that you'll get married in a year's time, yet not make love because you haven't yet exchanged a piece of gold :p

My personal stance is that I'm saving myself for someone I really feel a strong romantic connection with. I'm not tied down by an arbitrary amount of dating time this way, I simply feel like if a girl is really close to me she'll be happy to wait until I feel 100% comfortable and ready.

If she's refrained from sex too, that's an extra positive, but not neccessarily a necessity.
 
Beleive it or not. I thought I be with the person forever that i lost my verginity to.

When I got married...I thought we would be married for ever. I certainly didnt get
married to divorced her. I'm not even Catholic...
I never believe in a divorce. So when I went through my deviorce. I fought it tooth and
nail. After my diviorce...I really had a hard time living.
My life and my beliefs was a conflict. It was tormenting.

And everytime i get involve in a relationship with someone...I'm all end.
That last thing on my mind is breaking up

In a lot of ways i still believe in love and marriage.
It's one of the reason why I'm having a difficult time dealing with my ex-fiance or finace
or whatever she is at the moment.

Out of all the people and how my life had been. Not in a million years
I thought I sleep with so many women or i set out to meet lots of women.

I asked her for married a long time ago. her answer was "yes"
And it's also her idea and hope that we get married like we should have from the very beginning.

Everybody have thier own vaules and beliefs. I'm certainly not trying to change yours.
I hope you find sometype of peace in your beliefs or peace within yourself.

There's alot of things in my life that is in conflict. Things that are beyound my control.
Things that are not of my decisions and chioces...especailly if there's other people involved
making their own chioces.

Acceptence of those things arnt so easy sometimes.
 
TheSolitaryMan said:
I'm the sort of guy who'd probably date a girl for about 1-3+ years before I married her. Other men might date a girl for 6 months before they decided marriage was appropriate. Or they might date her for even longer.

So why when married does "everything change" when really it's just a formalisation of a bond between two people?

To me, it seems a little counter-intuitive to really love someone, know almost for certain that you'll get married in a year's time, yet not make love because you haven't yet exchanged a piece of gold :p

I have to admit, my real dilemma is that I've been thinking of changing from "after marriage" to "when I'm convinced that we have a future together." You phrased my reason for this so perfectly - marriage doesn't change everything and so why should that be the ultimate reason I refrain from having intercourse?

I would personally wait around 4 years before deciding to marry someone (perhaps shorter if I'm 30+ when that happens for reproductive reasons...) so that was why I originally thought that marriage was a good measure of when to first have sex because I'd probably need about that long to be sure we really love each other anyways.

But I will not have sex just because I feel that I really love the other person. This is for the simple reason that I have "intense feelings" too easily. When I like someone, I really put my all into the feeling (without taking any actions though) and so it feels like love almost every time. Honestly, I can't even imagine how strong a feeling "real" love (whatever that is) will be like for me if having a crush on someone feels so intense already. So if I just went by feeling, I'd make very bad judgements and probably give up my virginity to someone I did not love that much after all.

Sorry, I think I just rambled.

Lonesome Crow,

I'm very sorry to hear about your past marriage experiences. It's something that I'm always worried about. It's great that you are still trying to find your happiness and haven't given up. I think getting a divorce when you are not happy with each other is a million times better than staying together but being extremely unhappy because of it.

Thank you for your kind words, and I really hope you find peace with yourself as well.


shells said:
I think it's really admirable when someone waits for that person.

Thank you. It's easier than some people may think because I've never experienced it before so I don't know what I'm missing out. Assuming it feels good.
 
Havn't you heard? Religion isn't cool anymore. And with divorce rates as high as they are, what is the point in waiting? Why not wait for the second or third marriage? =P Nowadays it's more like "sex until marriage" ya know.

That is the general thought process nowadays me thinks. So yup, I think it might be out-dated. Its all personal preference though so whatever you want is cool dood. Just don't limit yourself to only the ones who also saved themselves. Your potential dating pool would then be really small...or really really young :O

On another note, my friend got married earlier this year. They were each other's firsts. They met in high school and had sex early on and then stopped and decided to wait for marriage. I would say they waited about 3 years. I'm not saying the logic makes sense to me since they already started having sex but whatever, its what they wanted to do. Relationships are so random, anything is possible really. You might have success waiting or you might end up alone forever. I guess it all depends on how lucky you are and how strongly you feel about this.
 
I think the same way. I would like to give my virginity only for the person to who I am going to spend the rest of my life with.

First and last. :shy:

 
It is a very sweet and romantic idea and it would be nice if things always worked out perfectly like that.

The problem is there is no guarantee that they will be your first and last. You are basing everything on a future you have no control over. That's why I could never wait. There is also the idea that if you wait, then there will for sure be someone who will be OK with that, and you will find them, and they will like you. There is no guarantee that that will ever happen. It's wishful thinking. Worst case you hit menopause, still a virgin, will never have kids, have worse chance than ever to find someone. I'm not saying we should all "just settle" with someone, but if you find something good, don't ruin it over something so trivial.

I'm the same way with saving and retirement. As soon as I save enough to live comfortably with a little fun on the side, I'm done. I'm not going to keep saving forever just so that when I hit 65 I might have millions. Might as well live while you can. There's no point in saving if you die tomorrow.
 
Waiting is nice and helps with building a relationship. I'm a moral relativist, but my wife is a Christian and it was important for her to wait. I've never regreted it and I still see it as a valuable experience.

A nice thread, meekthoughts :)
 
I think you'll have trouble finding someone else who feels that strongly about it and would be willing to wait years. If you can though, great, more power to you. You should probably mention this early in the relationship but be prepared for it to be a deal breaker in some cases. But I wouldn't go as far as to say that someone who it is a deal breaker for isn't worth your time.
 
Marriage has no meaning to me, other than the financial benefits, so waiting until after I'm married would be pointless, in my case. Also because I don't believe marriages last these days (with a few exceptions), and I doubt there's such a thing as "the one and only". Then there's the fact that I doubt I'll ever get married (for various reasons), in which case I'd never have sex at all, if waiting was my belief. I think that in the western world, overall, waiting until marriage is outdated, and very few people do that. As Kat says, finding someone who shares this belief could prove to be difficult. I have no issues with those who still decide on this, though, and I hope they find their waiting worth it. :)

Having said that, I'm not one for sleeping around, or jumping to bed with someone at the first and best possibility. Due to my fantastic intimacy problems, I rarely allow anyone that close. I don't think "romantic" is set by whether or not you have sex before marriage, but by whether or not you have sex with the right person.
 
Just throwing a modest opinion out there,

If you wait until your married what if you realize that you guys have little vibe. Sex, although not the base of a relationship by any means, is indeffinitley important for my mental/physical/spiritual health.

The idea is extremely meaningful to whoever is worthy enough to embrace you, but I personally feel as if were talking marriage-I want the security of bomb ass passionate sex for the rest of my life.


[but im only 21 so that may be subject to change]
 
After my last experience sexually I really started to think I'm not opening my legs again till someone has married me. Seems like a throw away comment I know I'm sorry but its how I started to feel.
 
I don't think it's outdated at all. I think it's very attractive for the simple reason that someone (1) has a belief, and (2) is disciplined and determined enough to stand by that belief.

I think that's one of the biggest things I don't like about people--that they don't stand by their word, thoughts or beliefs. If a person you meet doesn't look at it this way and admire your strength and commitment, they might not be worth marrying anyways.[/align]
 
wow, don't meet many girls like you anymore haha. i think it's respectable, however what if you find out that the sex between you and your husband sucks and he is unable to satisfy you? you are already stuck together, unless you plan on divorcing.

Marriage doesn't really mean anything to me. It's just a little piece of paper. I think sex should be saved for someone you love regardless if you're married or not. the guys that have the same beliefs as you, will probably not be discouraged from dating. However i cant even name one guy that believes in sex after marriage. So, you may be limiting yourself because if the guy doesn't share the same belief, he may decide to look for someone else that does. Luckily if a guy really really loves you, he'll wait.
 
I used to feel exactly the same way as this. I was religious at the time and got caught up in all the spiritual reasons for waiting... the idea of two becoming 'one flesh', the romance of the idea that this person would be your one and only and that waiting would make it far more special and pure.

In reality things didn't work out that way for me. Somewhere along the road I lost my religious beliefs little by little. I still believe there may be something out there and I would like to think that we are being looked after by a loving being. But as far as Christianity goes, after a while it looked too far-fetched to me, too rigid (homophobic etc) and I felt like it wasn't allowing me to experience my life fully and think independently.

So, I left that behind with some sadness and some relief. Maybe that was part of growing up for me too - not so much the belief in God thing, but letting go of some of my intense ideals - not becoming a bad person I hope but realising that life is not that black and white or that perfect.

I am now in a relationship with someone and it is serious, and yes we are physically involved and I do really enjoy it. Not just from a pleasure point of view but because I love him and the intimacy it brings, the sense of acceptance, too. I am hopeful that there is a future in the relationship and that is our plan but I also realise that things could potentially change. But that is the case even after marriage.

I believe in marriage and that it is a stronger commitment than just living together for example, because it is such a strong statement of intent and carries more social expectation I suppose. Also it is romantic to stand up and declare your love before the world. I intend that when I get married it will be for life but I also realise that in life there just aren't any guarantees. So maybe that's why I think your feelings for someone, your intentions, are more important than the 'piece of paper' and why I don't see it as necessary to wait until marriage. If I'm being honest I no longer see the moral necessity of only ever having one lover in your life. I see it as a romantic ideal that may not be right for everyone anyway, and not something to get hung up on with shame and regrets if your plans go astray. Life happens and truthfully I think sex is an important part of most loving relationships, you don't need to jump into it straight away but I feel it would be a bit sad to deny somebody you loved potentially for years.

I do respect your feelings on this though and I strongly believe that you should go with that... you shouldn't betray your beliefs, but you might be willing to adjust them a little as life goes on. There are people out there who feel the same way of course, although these days they are more of a minority and it would be up to you whether you wanted the other stuff that goes along with that, which might include quite a conservative religious background... or it might just be an old-fashioned romantic! Nobody can make guarantees about whether you will meet the right person who is prepared to wait but if you do decide that is what you want, and you stay focused and actively look for that person then I think you should feel optimistic.... and proud of yourself too. it's good to go against the grain after all, even if I don't personally believe that anymore I wish you well and i'd be interested to see how things go.
 
A Desolate Soul said:
i think it's respectable, however what if you find out that the sex between you and your husband sucks and he is unable to satisfy you?

Just gives you an excuse to practice more and hone those techniques :cool:

 
Depends on the person.

Whether you wait or not does not matter. The only important thing that matters is that you feel confident and happy with your decision.
 

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