Feeling Betrayed

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

elephantbumper

New member
Joined
Oct 29, 2011
Messages
2
Reaction score
0
Dear A Lonely Life forums,

Sorry for not posting an introduction since I'm a new person coming into these forums. But I'm not very comfortable about revealing any personal data except venting my problems. In anonymity. I just want a listening I can vent my feelings to without the knowledge that they know who I am and that I have to face them in the near future or that it'd have dire consequences on my potential future career. So I guess facebook, acquaintances and family are out.

I got diagnosed by a psychologist with social anxiety this June when I turned 21. It wasn't really that big of a surprise to myself nor my family, since I rarely go out or have a social life. And that I only had 2 'close friends' from high school. The rest were just 'hi-and-bye' acquaintances. The surreal thing was the fact that it was actually given a medical label, instead of the regular shy or socially awkward terms.

So what happened was this. I had 2 close friends K and M. I guess the reason we were friends and formed a clique in the first place was because we were in the same class, had interest in computer games, Harry Potter, anime/manga etc. All the nerdy stuff. I considered them to be in my inner-circle, at least as close as BFFs.

Then we got to junior college. And some really complicated things happened. To cut the long story short: We originally went to different junior colleges based on preliminary final results. But when the actual finals results came out, I couldn't make the cut for my higher ranked jc. I was sorted to a different jc, and fearing that I wouldn't have a friend to look out for me, I decided to consult K and transfer to her jc. I transferred to K's jc because of her. Anyway, really complicated things happened in that 2 years. I offended the principal, didn't fit in with my classmates, the school's facilities were breaking apart and I couldn't cope academically. Due to different subject choices, I was in a different class from K. And it so happened that K was busy with her new boyfriend, her first love. I felt so lonely and miserable, like I traded in a better equipped school for an inferior one. I didn't blame her at that time, because she has her own class timetable and life, we were in different classes and not all advice given is full-proof. I was depressed at that time and I didn't seek help.

Needless to say, I didn't do well. I only had 1 university offering for a Literature major from a second rate university. The other option was if I studied Business at an Institute. I took the second option. K & M went to the same first-rate university. I went to the Institute and began my new life on a fresh slate. To put the past behind me, I focused all my energies on my academic work. The Institute of course had better facilities and I managed to get to know co-workers whom I could socialize with while I was studying (I don't really regard them as friends, more like acquaintances if you get what I mean). With my busy academic life, my depression kinda "cured itself", because I was too preoccupied with my academics to reflect on my past misfortunes. Throughout it all, I still tried to maintain contact with K & M over msn. So the first semester passed without much incident.

It was during the holidays when I had a tiff with K. I tried to call her handphone to talk to her personally, because I hadn't talked to her in awhile apart from 'chatting' over msn. But she didn't answer. So I called a second time. Then finally awhile later, I received an angry text msg frm her. I couldn't recall exactly what it said, but it was something to the effect that: Why I couldn't have called her later after the 1st time when she didn't answer. She was busy with her practice and that the call had interrupted it and embarrassed her. But what really got to me was that she made a comment that her schedule's very busy unlike mine, you know since I'm studying at an institute with alot less demands. I got really pissed off with her, and it felt like the last straw.

Throughout it all I was always the one to initiate conversations or meet-ups with K & M to maintain our relationship. But they didn't reciprocate at all. I was always expecting them to come to me with their problems or share with me any new developments in their lives, like I do with them. But they never do, which made me insecure. Because, while I didn't want to keep asking them in case they felt like I was being overly nosey, bugging them to share some private things that'd rather not tell anyone (you know things you wouldn't even tell your closest friends because they know your face); I didn't want to be unconcerned either. As if, I was the friend who didn't even know what they are currently doing with their lives, as if I was just an acquaintance. Plus, it felt like they knew things about me whereas I didn't know anything consequential about them.

I thought it was really childish of her to blame me, when she should have taken the responsibility to put her phone in silent mode. Also, if there's one thing I couldn't stand was to have people blow me off and insinuate that they're really busy while I am not. 2 acquaintances had done that before, I got so angry that I gave them a dressing down. So I msged K back & said in the heat of the moment that we were no longer friends. I didn't really meant it, and I partly did it to test if she cared at all about our friendship. But I didn't get any replies. I was really upset because, it confirmed what I thought that she didn't regard me as a close friend.

Meanwhile, although I was unhappy with the state of my friendship with M too, I still maintained my friendship with her. At least she was civil. And knowing M for many years, she's been straightforward & candid about her social awkwardness in forming any close friendships with anyone.

Anyway, fast forward to this June, 1 and a half years later. I reconnected with K on my mum's suggestion. I did have fair-weather 'friends', just not the super close kind. At first, it was awesome as we talked about things of common interest and she inspired me to read up on self-improvement books. Then it dovetailed when the conversation got to what happened 1.5 years ago and what happened in jc. Because K didn't know what course I was studying in (or couldn't remember) and had to ask, so it inevitably led to the question of what happened with the principal in jc. The subject of jc relapsed my depression. And then K apologized for "not knowing how to be a friend". In subsequent conversations I realized that K had always thought that we were the "clique of rejects" in high school and that the only reason we were together was "in order not to be lonely". Exact words from her.

It then dawned on me that I had transferred schools for a person that never really regarded me as a friend, much less a confidant. My entire future for a 'friend' that wasn't a friend. I couldn't stop crying and I slipped into depression. It didn't help that she now had her own circle of friends in university varsity as well as her church. I had to defer my studies in order to cope with my depression

I tried to make the friendship work at first, like going out, meeting up and getting to know each other again. But I felt as though I wasn't really in her inner circle, and she had changed. The only topic that interested her was Catholicism, church, the differences between Catholics and Protestants and self-improvement. She and I talked 2 hours at length on the subject. Yup, no excuses or I'm busy. And I felt the "I'm superior than you because I go to a top ranked university but you don't" hadn't really changed. I felt looked down upon, like I wasn't as knowledgeable as her because what I'm learning is more specialized. It's not really her fault for the prejudice, because alot of people in my country think that way too. I think it's a deep-seated prejudice on a subconscious level. Because if I hadn't actually decided to choose to study at the Institute, I probably would have thought about Institute students the same way. The trying to make it work phase dragged on for a few months and I struggled with it.

So I sent her an email to tell her my feelings and I suggested that we probably shouldn't see each other again. The day after, when we met, she told me about what's happening with her brother and details about her love life. But by this point I didn't care anymore. Or at least, I felt that I shouldn't be interested in someone who made me feel hurt anymore. I just said "Hmm is that so?" without making any further comment. This was in September. I didn't see nor communicate with K for a month after that.

Meanwhile, I found out that M had a boyfriend for about a year and K knew it (because they were in the same university). M told me "sorry, I just don't know how to be close to anybody".

So on FB, K and M posted in our group wall wondering what's going on in my life and why they weren't on my friendlist anymore. I had decided to delete them and remove all traces of reminders about them from my life so I would stop feeling depressed. But I had forgot about the FB group. I don't know what to do now and whether the course of action I've decided is the right one. I think they are genuinely concerned, but at the same time I want to recover before the new semester starts in January. I can't afford to defer anymore after this.
 
I think what you did was you relied/depended upon your friends so much, like your world is just revolving around them, especially when you said you transferred to K's school just to be with her. You know, I know it's comfortable when we're with people we're close with, and it sometimes makes us afraid to be in a new environment without anyone there that we know, but there are times in people's lives that we need to go on separate ways with our friends, family, other loved ones, and we just have to accept that, that's the way life is. It's not like, "wherever you go, I go, I'll follow you"..It's not like that in most cases in reality, we just have to deal with being far away from friends and loved ones. After all, if what you have is real, genuine, what you have won't stop. You'll always be in each others hearts. Another thing is, people, as time passes by, we all need to grow individually. I had two really close friends too in college, we're always together and do everything together, but time passed and I felt like I wasn't growing individually anymore because I'm always with them and them alone, I base my actions, behavior, decisions upon them, I felt like I don't have my own life, then one of them became really busy with her organizations in school, the other one got busy too with her boyfriend, and I was left alone most of the time, I was the least busy out of us three, I felt like I was pathetic. then I tried to join my other classmates, slowly by slowly, I became close to them, until we all became a solid group of friends. I consider them my real friends in life. Up to now that we already graduated, some has left the country already to work, we don't see each other often anymore, but we're still the best group of friends, nothing changes. Anyway I suggest that you find other friends, open up to them, let yourself be really close to them if that's what's naturally happening, just go with the flow, don't try to see everyone you meet as just 'acquaintances', consider them as potiental real good friends, that's if you get along well, if they understand you, if they're good people, like people who wouldn't bring you to bad things, and try to enjoy their company, who knows those people would become your real friends for life. But just don't make the same mistakes as depending so much to your friends. Be independent. You gotta have your own life, build your own personality. Do things you know in yourself that you really wanna do, not just because your other friends wants those things too. Try to be brave. after all, after what you have gone through, you should become a stronger, better person, That's what those challenges are for in life, they're there to make us better people. They're there to teach us lessons so try to learn from it all. Also, you said you have been diagnosed by a psychologist, I hope you still ask help from him/her especially if you're feeling down/depressed because it can help you, they're expert in those fields but of course you gotta help yourself too. Lots of efforts should come from you and you alone. As for your two friends, K and M, if you think they are genuinely concerned, then just answer them if they ask how you've been, but I think don't focus on them too much like you did before. I think you've already done so much and big efforts came from you to make your friendship work in the past. You've done already so much in your part. Now, if they still wanna be friends with you then just let them do the moves now, because if you put again so much effort to revive the friendship, you might end up hurt again and disappointed if things don't turn out the way you want them to be, and that'll just add to your frustrations, depressions. Worse, you just might end up hating them forever. I guess that's what life teaches us when we get hurt over and over again, it teaches us self-preservation - we protect ourselves from getting hurt. Anyway I wish you the best. Keep going okay, hold on, and keep the faith. Things will get better, just be strong. Use all this experience to be better, wiser, stronger. Be a fighter when it comes to life.
 
Fortunately, I haven't experienced a lot of this in my 30 years of living. Nevertheless, I experienced it recently and I'm still feeling the sting.

You think you're working towards a friendship with someone. After all, they once acted in ways that did a good job of making you believe they're as interested in the endeavor. All along the way, you're observing and sensing things that just aren't right. You take a look back at it all, and suddenly it makes sense (or should I say doesn't). There is no friendship and there will likely be no friendship. You'd hope that these problems are part of all the baby steps that would lead to something powerful, but they're probably not. It is just you trying to be someone's friend when they couldn't care less about being yours. It almost feels like you were being played in some sick game. You regain your strength to do something you don't want to do but know you must. You walk away hurt but with your dignity.

It is important to me to take from the experience something positive and nothing negative. My capacity for forgiveness mustn't drop. My capacity for trusting mustn't drop. People have these strings of bad relationships and turn their past into their greatest excuse for treating people poorly. I can't let stuff like what happened to me recently corrupt me. The truth is, it makes me want to be more aggressive in seeking people like me who want true friendships and understand the work that is required and are ready to put in that work. I feel like remaining patient will get me to where I want to be.
 
Thanks for the encouragement & wise words of advice. I'm actually much better now, when I was in the deep of my depression in July/Aug I couldnt string a coherent sentence or even read a book & comprehend what I was reading.

I actually did make "friends" in my institute but it didn't really work out. One group said I was boring because all we ever talked about were academic work. I didn't really share their interests in travelling or owning cars or going to nightclubs. I mean my basic interests from high school haven't changed much except for the titles of games I play/manga I read. And getting a good GPA was my priority.

I haven't really fit in or belonged to any of the normal cliques at all. Probably what hurt the most was that K thought that I was very predictable and wished that she could be someone cooler rather than be in our loser clique since high school & I didn't even know because such a thought never once crossed my mind at all. We were just girls with different interests from the norm. I would get it if other people perceived us as nerds & geeks but what really mattered was how we thought about ourselves. During the time we reconnected, K taught me that I should put in the effort to change myself and do self-improvement so that I can become a happier person and gain more friends. But all I ever wanted was to be myself & have a small group of close friends. That is all. I felt the message was I have to become somebody I wasn't and force myself to like things in order to be accepted. I just felt so tired trying to change myself these past few months.

I had another group of institute friends who were really supportive. But the thing is I've deferred so I probably won't see them again. They dragged me to church to help my depression, although I learnt some great lessons like forgiveness, it didn't really help. I felt pressured, like I have to join their church & convert to Christianity in order to remain friends, and at least know some people who will have my back. I think my biggest fear is that I will end up "friendless" like I was in JC, without anyone to look out for me or socialise with. I also thought that I could forget K & M if I became closer friends with these new church/institute friends. They were really super nice people who were there for me when I was down.

K had her birthday in October, & I was really upset with myself. Because I was passing by a costume jewellry shop and I instinctively picked out a pair for her birthday present. I was feeling really happy & positive about getting a beautiful pair of earrings for my best friend until I remembered that I wasn't supposed to care so much anymore.

I was doing really well last semester until I decided to take my mum's advise & reconnect with K. I really don't know why I did that. It would have been so much better to expect her to contact me on her own and remain angry at her. Instead of listening to some explanation that she thought I really meant what I had said and she was scared about contacting me.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top