elephantbumper
New member
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- Oct 29, 2011
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Dear A Lonely Life forums,
Sorry for not posting an introduction since I'm a new person coming into these forums. But I'm not very comfortable about revealing any personal data except venting my problems. In anonymity. I just want a listening I can vent my feelings to without the knowledge that they know who I am and that I have to face them in the near future or that it'd have dire consequences on my potential future career. So I guess facebook, acquaintances and family are out.
I got diagnosed by a psychologist with social anxiety this June when I turned 21. It wasn't really that big of a surprise to myself nor my family, since I rarely go out or have a social life. And that I only had 2 'close friends' from high school. The rest were just 'hi-and-bye' acquaintances. The surreal thing was the fact that it was actually given a medical label, instead of the regular shy or socially awkward terms.
So what happened was this. I had 2 close friends K and M. I guess the reason we were friends and formed a clique in the first place was because we were in the same class, had interest in computer games, Harry Potter, anime/manga etc. All the nerdy stuff. I considered them to be in my inner-circle, at least as close as BFFs.
Then we got to junior college. And some really complicated things happened. To cut the long story short: We originally went to different junior colleges based on preliminary final results. But when the actual finals results came out, I couldn't make the cut for my higher ranked jc. I was sorted to a different jc, and fearing that I wouldn't have a friend to look out for me, I decided to consult K and transfer to her jc. I transferred to K's jc because of her. Anyway, really complicated things happened in that 2 years. I offended the principal, didn't fit in with my classmates, the school's facilities were breaking apart and I couldn't cope academically. Due to different subject choices, I was in a different class from K. And it so happened that K was busy with her new boyfriend, her first love. I felt so lonely and miserable, like I traded in a better equipped school for an inferior one. I didn't blame her at that time, because she has her own class timetable and life, we were in different classes and not all advice given is full-proof. I was depressed at that time and I didn't seek help.
Needless to say, I didn't do well. I only had 1 university offering for a Literature major from a second rate university. The other option was if I studied Business at an Institute. I took the second option. K & M went to the same first-rate university. I went to the Institute and began my new life on a fresh slate. To put the past behind me, I focused all my energies on my academic work. The Institute of course had better facilities and I managed to get to know co-workers whom I could socialize with while I was studying (I don't really regard them as friends, more like acquaintances if you get what I mean). With my busy academic life, my depression kinda "cured itself", because I was too preoccupied with my academics to reflect on my past misfortunes. Throughout it all, I still tried to maintain contact with K & M over msn. So the first semester passed without much incident.
It was during the holidays when I had a tiff with K. I tried to call her handphone to talk to her personally, because I hadn't talked to her in awhile apart from 'chatting' over msn. But she didn't answer. So I called a second time. Then finally awhile later, I received an angry text msg frm her. I couldn't recall exactly what it said, but it was something to the effect that: Why I couldn't have called her later after the 1st time when she didn't answer. She was busy with her practice and that the call had interrupted it and embarrassed her. But what really got to me was that she made a comment that her schedule's very busy unlike mine, you know since I'm studying at an institute with alot less demands. I got really pissed off with her, and it felt like the last straw.
Throughout it all I was always the one to initiate conversations or meet-ups with K & M to maintain our relationship. But they didn't reciprocate at all. I was always expecting them to come to me with their problems or share with me any new developments in their lives, like I do with them. But they never do, which made me insecure. Because, while I didn't want to keep asking them in case they felt like I was being overly nosey, bugging them to share some private things that'd rather not tell anyone (you know things you wouldn't even tell your closest friends because they know your face); I didn't want to be unconcerned either. As if, I was the friend who didn't even know what they are currently doing with their lives, as if I was just an acquaintance. Plus, it felt like they knew things about me whereas I didn't know anything consequential about them.
I thought it was really childish of her to blame me, when she should have taken the responsibility to put her phone in silent mode. Also, if there's one thing I couldn't stand was to have people blow me off and insinuate that they're really busy while I am not. 2 acquaintances had done that before, I got so angry that I gave them a dressing down. So I msged K back & said in the heat of the moment that we were no longer friends. I didn't really meant it, and I partly did it to test if she cared at all about our friendship. But I didn't get any replies. I was really upset because, it confirmed what I thought that she didn't regard me as a close friend.
Meanwhile, although I was unhappy with the state of my friendship with M too, I still maintained my friendship with her. At least she was civil. And knowing M for many years, she's been straightforward & candid about her social awkwardness in forming any close friendships with anyone.
Anyway, fast forward to this June, 1 and a half years later. I reconnected with K on my mum's suggestion. I did have fair-weather 'friends', just not the super close kind. At first, it was awesome as we talked about things of common interest and she inspired me to read up on self-improvement books. Then it dovetailed when the conversation got to what happened 1.5 years ago and what happened in jc. Because K didn't know what course I was studying in (or couldn't remember) and had to ask, so it inevitably led to the question of what happened with the principal in jc. The subject of jc relapsed my depression. And then K apologized for "not knowing how to be a friend". In subsequent conversations I realized that K had always thought that we were the "clique of rejects" in high school and that the only reason we were together was "in order not to be lonely". Exact words from her.
It then dawned on me that I had transferred schools for a person that never really regarded me as a friend, much less a confidant. My entire future for a 'friend' that wasn't a friend. I couldn't stop crying and I slipped into depression. It didn't help that she now had her own circle of friends in university varsity as well as her church. I had to defer my studies in order to cope with my depression
I tried to make the friendship work at first, like going out, meeting up and getting to know each other again. But I felt as though I wasn't really in her inner circle, and she had changed. The only topic that interested her was Catholicism, church, the differences between Catholics and Protestants and self-improvement. She and I talked 2 hours at length on the subject. Yup, no excuses or I'm busy. And I felt the "I'm superior than you because I go to a top ranked university but you don't" hadn't really changed. I felt looked down upon, like I wasn't as knowledgeable as her because what I'm learning is more specialized. It's not really her fault for the prejudice, because alot of people in my country think that way too. I think it's a deep-seated prejudice on a subconscious level. Because if I hadn't actually decided to choose to study at the Institute, I probably would have thought about Institute students the same way. The trying to make it work phase dragged on for a few months and I struggled with it.
So I sent her an email to tell her my feelings and I suggested that we probably shouldn't see each other again. The day after, when we met, she told me about what's happening with her brother and details about her love life. But by this point I didn't care anymore. Or at least, I felt that I shouldn't be interested in someone who made me feel hurt anymore. I just said "Hmm is that so?" without making any further comment. This was in September. I didn't see nor communicate with K for a month after that.
Meanwhile, I found out that M had a boyfriend for about a year and K knew it (because they were in the same university). M told me "sorry, I just don't know how to be close to anybody".
So on FB, K and M posted in our group wall wondering what's going on in my life and why they weren't on my friendlist anymore. I had decided to delete them and remove all traces of reminders about them from my life so I would stop feeling depressed. But I had forgot about the FB group. I don't know what to do now and whether the course of action I've decided is the right one. I think they are genuinely concerned, but at the same time I want to recover before the new semester starts in January. I can't afford to defer anymore after this.
Sorry for not posting an introduction since I'm a new person coming into these forums. But I'm not very comfortable about revealing any personal data except venting my problems. In anonymity. I just want a listening I can vent my feelings to without the knowledge that they know who I am and that I have to face them in the near future or that it'd have dire consequences on my potential future career. So I guess facebook, acquaintances and family are out.
I got diagnosed by a psychologist with social anxiety this June when I turned 21. It wasn't really that big of a surprise to myself nor my family, since I rarely go out or have a social life. And that I only had 2 'close friends' from high school. The rest were just 'hi-and-bye' acquaintances. The surreal thing was the fact that it was actually given a medical label, instead of the regular shy or socially awkward terms.
So what happened was this. I had 2 close friends K and M. I guess the reason we were friends and formed a clique in the first place was because we were in the same class, had interest in computer games, Harry Potter, anime/manga etc. All the nerdy stuff. I considered them to be in my inner-circle, at least as close as BFFs.
Then we got to junior college. And some really complicated things happened. To cut the long story short: We originally went to different junior colleges based on preliminary final results. But when the actual finals results came out, I couldn't make the cut for my higher ranked jc. I was sorted to a different jc, and fearing that I wouldn't have a friend to look out for me, I decided to consult K and transfer to her jc. I transferred to K's jc because of her. Anyway, really complicated things happened in that 2 years. I offended the principal, didn't fit in with my classmates, the school's facilities were breaking apart and I couldn't cope academically. Due to different subject choices, I was in a different class from K. And it so happened that K was busy with her new boyfriend, her first love. I felt so lonely and miserable, like I traded in a better equipped school for an inferior one. I didn't blame her at that time, because she has her own class timetable and life, we were in different classes and not all advice given is full-proof. I was depressed at that time and I didn't seek help.
Needless to say, I didn't do well. I only had 1 university offering for a Literature major from a second rate university. The other option was if I studied Business at an Institute. I took the second option. K & M went to the same first-rate university. I went to the Institute and began my new life on a fresh slate. To put the past behind me, I focused all my energies on my academic work. The Institute of course had better facilities and I managed to get to know co-workers whom I could socialize with while I was studying (I don't really regard them as friends, more like acquaintances if you get what I mean). With my busy academic life, my depression kinda "cured itself", because I was too preoccupied with my academics to reflect on my past misfortunes. Throughout it all, I still tried to maintain contact with K & M over msn. So the first semester passed without much incident.
It was during the holidays when I had a tiff with K. I tried to call her handphone to talk to her personally, because I hadn't talked to her in awhile apart from 'chatting' over msn. But she didn't answer. So I called a second time. Then finally awhile later, I received an angry text msg frm her. I couldn't recall exactly what it said, but it was something to the effect that: Why I couldn't have called her later after the 1st time when she didn't answer. She was busy with her practice and that the call had interrupted it and embarrassed her. But what really got to me was that she made a comment that her schedule's very busy unlike mine, you know since I'm studying at an institute with alot less demands. I got really pissed off with her, and it felt like the last straw.
Throughout it all I was always the one to initiate conversations or meet-ups with K & M to maintain our relationship. But they didn't reciprocate at all. I was always expecting them to come to me with their problems or share with me any new developments in their lives, like I do with them. But they never do, which made me insecure. Because, while I didn't want to keep asking them in case they felt like I was being overly nosey, bugging them to share some private things that'd rather not tell anyone (you know things you wouldn't even tell your closest friends because they know your face); I didn't want to be unconcerned either. As if, I was the friend who didn't even know what they are currently doing with their lives, as if I was just an acquaintance. Plus, it felt like they knew things about me whereas I didn't know anything consequential about them.
I thought it was really childish of her to blame me, when she should have taken the responsibility to put her phone in silent mode. Also, if there's one thing I couldn't stand was to have people blow me off and insinuate that they're really busy while I am not. 2 acquaintances had done that before, I got so angry that I gave them a dressing down. So I msged K back & said in the heat of the moment that we were no longer friends. I didn't really meant it, and I partly did it to test if she cared at all about our friendship. But I didn't get any replies. I was really upset because, it confirmed what I thought that she didn't regard me as a close friend.
Meanwhile, although I was unhappy with the state of my friendship with M too, I still maintained my friendship with her. At least she was civil. And knowing M for many years, she's been straightforward & candid about her social awkwardness in forming any close friendships with anyone.
Anyway, fast forward to this June, 1 and a half years later. I reconnected with K on my mum's suggestion. I did have fair-weather 'friends', just not the super close kind. At first, it was awesome as we talked about things of common interest and she inspired me to read up on self-improvement books. Then it dovetailed when the conversation got to what happened 1.5 years ago and what happened in jc. Because K didn't know what course I was studying in (or couldn't remember) and had to ask, so it inevitably led to the question of what happened with the principal in jc. The subject of jc relapsed my depression. And then K apologized for "not knowing how to be a friend". In subsequent conversations I realized that K had always thought that we were the "clique of rejects" in high school and that the only reason we were together was "in order not to be lonely". Exact words from her.
It then dawned on me that I had transferred schools for a person that never really regarded me as a friend, much less a confidant. My entire future for a 'friend' that wasn't a friend. I couldn't stop crying and I slipped into depression. It didn't help that she now had her own circle of friends in university varsity as well as her church. I had to defer my studies in order to cope with my depression
I tried to make the friendship work at first, like going out, meeting up and getting to know each other again. But I felt as though I wasn't really in her inner circle, and she had changed. The only topic that interested her was Catholicism, church, the differences between Catholics and Protestants and self-improvement. She and I talked 2 hours at length on the subject. Yup, no excuses or I'm busy. And I felt the "I'm superior than you because I go to a top ranked university but you don't" hadn't really changed. I felt looked down upon, like I wasn't as knowledgeable as her because what I'm learning is more specialized. It's not really her fault for the prejudice, because alot of people in my country think that way too. I think it's a deep-seated prejudice on a subconscious level. Because if I hadn't actually decided to choose to study at the Institute, I probably would have thought about Institute students the same way. The trying to make it work phase dragged on for a few months and I struggled with it.
So I sent her an email to tell her my feelings and I suggested that we probably shouldn't see each other again. The day after, when we met, she told me about what's happening with her brother and details about her love life. But by this point I didn't care anymore. Or at least, I felt that I shouldn't be interested in someone who made me feel hurt anymore. I just said "Hmm is that so?" without making any further comment. This was in September. I didn't see nor communicate with K for a month after that.
Meanwhile, I found out that M had a boyfriend for about a year and K knew it (because they were in the same university). M told me "sorry, I just don't know how to be close to anybody".
So on FB, K and M posted in our group wall wondering what's going on in my life and why they weren't on my friendlist anymore. I had decided to delete them and remove all traces of reminders about them from my life so I would stop feeling depressed. But I had forgot about the FB group. I don't know what to do now and whether the course of action I've decided is the right one. I think they are genuinely concerned, but at the same time I want to recover before the new semester starts in January. I can't afford to defer anymore after this.