xrchz
Well-known member
Please send me an email or a message or reply to this post.
I am in Cambridge, UK. It would be great to meet someone close by, but what
I'm really looking for is someone who would want to talk about quite
personal problems concerning loneliness and really listen and respond. So
that could be someone anywhere. I would be happy to do the same. I think it
could be a good basis for a kind of friendship I don't currently have.
I wrote a message to a service that offers confidential non-judgemental
listening. I got a reasonably nice reply but it felt a bit programmatic and
not too helpful. So I'm looking here now. The original message I wrote
yesterday I've copied below.
--
It's easy to get into a spiral of self-pity which starts to become
justification for taking up your time. My problems seem petty, but I do want
someone to talk to. They would have to fulfil the dual role of knowing and
caring about me while also not being someone I would want to annoy or
trouble by whining. And that's a difficult combination. Somehow the context
surrounding this email makes you the next best thing.
Basically, I'm lonely. I want a close relationship with someone, to love and
to be loved. There's got to be something wrong with wanting that in the
abstract (as opposed to having those feelings inspired by someone specific)
but I can't think of what right now. Everyone I meet seems to already have
someone or to not be interested in me. There are ups and downs, but it's
been a while - a year since my last relationship, which was very short (I
moved country), and a couple of years before that. And I'm more interested
in something long term now; nothing before was, really.
Whom should I be talking to? Is it you? I'm fantasizing about being asked
questions and being analysed and getting appreciation and understanding and
advice. Maybe I should be paying for counselling. Or trying the university's
service. But really successful counselling ought to finish, right? And what
I'm imagining I wouldn't want to finish, it would just be a substitute for
what I'm actually looking for.
Now I'm trying to remember whether a friend has ever let me listen to his or
her problems (*). I can't remember any such incident. And I wonder, did
anyone ever want to? I don't have many close friends. I don't really have
anyone who knows me right up to today, like in frequent but also substantial
contact. The people I would consider my closer friends, we only talk every
so often. And the problem with friends is that they have their own lives and
issues. That's the thought with which I started this paragraph: there's an
opportunity for reciprocity, that is, I listen in your time of need and you
do in mine, but I can't think of anyone having set that arrangement up with
me. Is it up to me to start? With whom?
(*) More likely 'her' - I don't have any male friends of the kind I would
really talk to.
Or forget talking about it - where should I go to meet people? I think I've
tried a few things already. The obvious things people suggest. I think there
might be a problem with the impression I give off. Who would tell me
honestly how to make myself more attractive (not just physically)? Would I
believe them? And for every person there's a different measure of
attractiveness so what good is one friend's advice?
I think I've had low self-esteem for a while. Not very low, just below
average. Similarly, I think of myself as less outgoing than is typical. But
I have been told I'm wrong about that. What else could be wrong? Too
headstrong, too ugly, wrong opinions, wrong attitude, too desperate. Can you
tell I'm analysing a date-like incident I had today (well, yesterday)?
I'll tell you what I want:
- To have it affirmed that there are lonely people out there, that my
feelings aren't unusual, that people do go for years looking for someone
to pay and receive attention, to and from. That it can sit in the middle
of a mind, not too serious to manifest drastically but influencing the
emotions and actions of every day (though some more than others).
- Instructions for finding my soul mate.
Of course writing is helpful. I'm sure getting your response will be
exciting. I hope reading it will be helpful too. (Don't worry, I don't
really expect those two things on the list.)
I am in Cambridge, UK. It would be great to meet someone close by, but what
I'm really looking for is someone who would want to talk about quite
personal problems concerning loneliness and really listen and respond. So
that could be someone anywhere. I would be happy to do the same. I think it
could be a good basis for a kind of friendship I don't currently have.
I wrote a message to a service that offers confidential non-judgemental
listening. I got a reasonably nice reply but it felt a bit programmatic and
not too helpful. So I'm looking here now. The original message I wrote
yesterday I've copied below.
--
It's easy to get into a spiral of self-pity which starts to become
justification for taking up your time. My problems seem petty, but I do want
someone to talk to. They would have to fulfil the dual role of knowing and
caring about me while also not being someone I would want to annoy or
trouble by whining. And that's a difficult combination. Somehow the context
surrounding this email makes you the next best thing.
Basically, I'm lonely. I want a close relationship with someone, to love and
to be loved. There's got to be something wrong with wanting that in the
abstract (as opposed to having those feelings inspired by someone specific)
but I can't think of what right now. Everyone I meet seems to already have
someone or to not be interested in me. There are ups and downs, but it's
been a while - a year since my last relationship, which was very short (I
moved country), and a couple of years before that. And I'm more interested
in something long term now; nothing before was, really.
Whom should I be talking to? Is it you? I'm fantasizing about being asked
questions and being analysed and getting appreciation and understanding and
advice. Maybe I should be paying for counselling. Or trying the university's
service. But really successful counselling ought to finish, right? And what
I'm imagining I wouldn't want to finish, it would just be a substitute for
what I'm actually looking for.
Now I'm trying to remember whether a friend has ever let me listen to his or
her problems (*). I can't remember any such incident. And I wonder, did
anyone ever want to? I don't have many close friends. I don't really have
anyone who knows me right up to today, like in frequent but also substantial
contact. The people I would consider my closer friends, we only talk every
so often. And the problem with friends is that they have their own lives and
issues. That's the thought with which I started this paragraph: there's an
opportunity for reciprocity, that is, I listen in your time of need and you
do in mine, but I can't think of anyone having set that arrangement up with
me. Is it up to me to start? With whom?
(*) More likely 'her' - I don't have any male friends of the kind I would
really talk to.
Or forget talking about it - where should I go to meet people? I think I've
tried a few things already. The obvious things people suggest. I think there
might be a problem with the impression I give off. Who would tell me
honestly how to make myself more attractive (not just physically)? Would I
believe them? And for every person there's a different measure of
attractiveness so what good is one friend's advice?
I think I've had low self-esteem for a while. Not very low, just below
average. Similarly, I think of myself as less outgoing than is typical. But
I have been told I'm wrong about that. What else could be wrong? Too
headstrong, too ugly, wrong opinions, wrong attitude, too desperate. Can you
tell I'm analysing a date-like incident I had today (well, yesterday)?
I'll tell you what I want:
- To have it affirmed that there are lonely people out there, that my
feelings aren't unusual, that people do go for years looking for someone
to pay and receive attention, to and from. That it can sit in the middle
of a mind, not too serious to manifest drastically but influencing the
emotions and actions of every day (though some more than others).
- Instructions for finding my soul mate.
Of course writing is helpful. I'm sure getting your response will be
exciting. I hope reading it will be helpful too. (Don't worry, I don't
really expect those two things on the list.)
