Demoralized

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skwillrd

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I am hoping anyone that takes the time to read this post will provide me with brute honesty. I am a 36 year old male, I live on my own, have no kids and I’m not in a relationship. I have one possibly two “good” friends but they both have families and one lives well over 30 miles from me. My parents moved to another state and I rarely see or talk to the family members that live within my vicinity.

Several weeks ago I broke up with my girlfriend (I was dumped) after a two year, back & forth relationship. Honestly she was every thing that I could have wished for and much more. She’s beautiful, smart, and has a number of great qualities that I could go on and on about. When I’m with her I feel so ALIVE that it’s almost like I’m on drugs. We had our share of good times and when we were together things were actually great. The problems within our relationship stemmed from my insecurities and my crippling shyness. I was never overbearing but probably way to passive in my approach. If you’ve read any of my previous posts you can read what I’m referring to. This past spring she left me for another guy although she was never completely honest about it. It was not until around July 4 th that she came clean about the other guy but again, not completely. One thing leads to another and we ended up back together by the end of August only to end up breaking up again. I don’t condone what she did behind my back nor am I trying to make any excuses for her behavior. However, if you’re like me and you believe in Newton’s law, I have to take responsibility for my actions that lead to her subsequent actions, if that make any sense.

So, for the past several weeks, again, I’ve been miserable and even contemplate(d) suicide. I feel that the one person that was able to take me out of my shell is no longer there. I have not gone out with the exception of work in the past month. Throughout this past summer, I rarely went out. I never have visitors over my place and there is absolutely nothing exciting about my life. I feel like I have NOTHING to look forward to. To say that I’m “miserable” would be a complete understatement. Meanwhile, I’m sure wherever my ex is; she is surely living her life to the fullest. To make matters worse, this Friday will be her 30 th birthday!!!

Friends, what should I do? The last time I reached out to her three weeks ago she never responded. I have no clue if she now in another relationship. I know you guys will think I need to get out more and start seeing other people but I feel so demoralized. I want to marry this woman so freaking bad but I’ve f’d up so bad, I don’t see how I ever could. She’s giving me so many chances and I don’t believe she has anymore left in her. What should I do?

Please help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
Let her go. From the way it sounds, you are using her as a crutch. You CAN be okay without her and there are other people out there who can make you feel the same way she does. Whether you "forced" her to or not, she cheated, and you can't force someone to do something btw. It was HER decision to go that route, and whether you do this or that probably wouldn't have changed the outcome.
Make yourself go out and have a good time, find someone friends to hang out with and go out of your shell on your own, you do NOT need someone to help you do that and if you do, you are too dependent on them to begin with. You have to be able to live your life for yourself, not anyone else, and well, you shouldn't rely on someone else for your livelihood.
 
I read your other post. How could you do that? Going to school to better yourself? What a devious man you must be! And to top it off, working to put food on the table, pay the bills, and I bet you went as low as to use some of that money to take her out or do nice things for her? That just disgusts me. No wonder she left you.

Seriously, when a person loves someone they tend to support them. I know if I had a BF going to work and school and trying to make something of himself, I'd understand. Infact, I would probabley help him study or be happy with him being nearby with his head stuck in a book. Good relationships require understanding and support. She sounded a bit needy. Going behind your back is so very, very, wrong! You deserve better. As far as someone that can help you come out of your shell, trust me, she isn't the ONLY one who could do that. Silly rabbit. I'm with the others. Drop her and move on unless you want to play baby sitter for the rest of your life.
 
If she was so great, she would not been with another person behind your back. Look at the misery she is causing you now. There are a lot of people who are shy like yourself and maybe more compatible with you... And there are people like your friends who can help you to get out of your shell step by step. You need people who care about you indeed. She may have cared quite a bit for all I know but she didn't accept you for who you are it sounds like.
 
I find it eerie how similar our situations are. My girlfriend of three years became unhappy, neglected to tell me, and sought solace with another guy - without bothering to break up with me until after I found out. That didn't work out, she came back to me, then cheated on me with him again. She is now with him, and her birthday is next Monday. How's that for a parallel scenario?

Everybody's telling you to just drop her, just let her go. That's what everyone tells me too. They tell me I'm a nice guy and any girl would be lucky to have me, lots of fish in the sea, blah blah blah.
They're right. I deserve to be treated better. I don't deserve to be lied to and cheated on, and neither do you. She and I both made mistakes (as everyone does), I deserve someone who's willing to fix mistakes rather than run from them. So do you. So does everyone.
The problem is that I don't want fish. I want her, lying, running from problems, cheating tendencies and all.

We're both in the same boat, so here are my thoughts on how to get out of said boat, or at least make the boat stop leaking:
Since we're alone, we may as well take the opportunity to work on the things we think may have driven our exs away. You mentioned Newton's Law. Every cause has an effect, and her cheating must have had a cause, somewhere in your actions. If this is true, then remove the cause, and the effects will go away too. Sure, your ex is gone and may not come back, same as mine, but at least if I remove the reason she left, it won't drive her away if she comes back again. If.
Also, removing that cause will reduce the likelihood of other girlfriends leaving for the same reason. So, even if your ex doesn't come back, you'll at least be a better boyfriend to someone else. In my case this means being more compulsive, and it seems that in your case this means being less shy.

I would recommend you get out of the house and force yourself to mingle with people whether you think you'll like it or not. Going outside in the sunlight and just physically being around people will help, even if you don't talk to them. Go read a book in a local coffee shop if you have to, just get out of your house. The worst waves of depression happen for me when I stay at home, but when I go out, even if it's just for a walk, they happen less often, so I imagine that going outside (even by yourself) would help you too.
 
Callie, from the bottom of my heart, thank you for your words of wisdom. It won't be easy but I know I'll pull through this somehow.

:shy:



Callie said:
Let her go. From the way it sounds, you are using her as a crutch. You CAN be okay without her and there are other people out there who can make you feel the same way she does. Whether you "forced" her to or not, she cheated, and you can't force someone to do something btw. It was HER decision to go that route, and whether you do this or that probably wouldn't have changed the outcome.
Make yourself go out and have a good time, find someone friends to hang out with and go out of your shell on your own, you do NOT need someone to help you do that and if you do, you are too dependent on them to begin with. You have to be able to live your life for yourself, not anyone else, and well, you shouldn't rely on someone else for your livelihood.



Naleena, thank you! I needed that!

Naleena said:
I read your other post. How could you do that? Going to school to better yourself? What a devious man you must be! And to top it off, working to put food on the table, pay the bills, and I bet you went as low as to use some of that money to take her out or do nice things for her? That just disgusts me. No wonder she left you.

Seriously, when a person loves someone they tend to support them. I know if I had a BF going to work and school and trying to make something of himself, I'd understand. Infact, I would probabley help him study or be happy with him being nearby with his head stuck in a book. Good relationships require understanding and support. She sounded a bit needy. Going behind your back is so very, very, wrong! You deserve better. As far as someone that can help you come out of your shell, trust me, she isn't the ONLY one who could do that. Silly rabbit. I'm with the others. Drop her and move on unless you want to play baby sitter for the rest of your life.

 
She cheated on you, and wasn't honest about it yet you say the SHE gave you many chances? You need to tell her to take a hike.
Don't contemplate suicide over this. Find yourself a woman who will be faithful to you, and you be faithful to her.

You don't want to try and kill yourself. Trust me. You have no idea what will happen to you if you try and are unsuccessful.





 
So I went through something similar about a year ago. Yeah it sucked and was painful. However, I did get over it in the end. Here are the steps I took to get over her.

First cut her out of your life. This means deleting/destroying any and all contact information you have from her. This includes but is not limited to: Phone numbers, address, Facebook, emails, IM. Humans rarely remember stuff on their own. It is easier to just write that stuff down and reference it later. So if you get rid of that then you will have a more difficult time getting in touch with her. However, you need to make her come to you. So you do not call her or talk to her or anything like that. Also I would hide all your pictures and videos of her. There is no reason to just destroy them. However, keep them hidden. That way you think about her less.

Second find something to occupy your time. For me it was exercising. I started an exercise regiment. I HIGHLY recommend you do the same. Working out will do wonders for you. Not only will you be healthier, but you will also feel better. Working out releases all sorts of naturally occurring happy chemicals into your brain. They will lift your spirits. Plus you look better, and feel better.

Third come up with a list of reasons why she sucked. You already have one really good reason, she cheated on you and lied to you. I don't care how much you love someone. Everyone has annoying habits that we don't like.

Finally identify the reason why you are so crushed by this. You sound a lot like me. Until I sat down and really thought about things. I realized that it was not love that made me so depressed. It was the fact that I have no idea how I managed to get as far as I did with her. I honestly believe that your lack of confidence in seducing women is causing your depression more than your love for her. So next thing is to take steps to fix that problem. There are plenty of books out there on things you can do to fix that problem.

You say she pulled you out of your shell. Correction she helped open up the shell. You had to come out on your own. The capacity to come out of your shell is within you. You can easily tap into it again. :p Personally I think improving ones self and being better is the best revenge on can get. Make it your goal to not need her when/if she comes back. :D You can say "There was a time when I loved you, but you choose someone else and that time has passed." You get to reject her and you are a better man.

Just remember this kind of thing takes time. There is no one shot, one night cure. I am still not to where I want to be and I am approaching 2 years now. However, I am better off than I ever was with her. The only thing I don't really have is sex.
 
There is a lot of wisdom and excellent advice in these posts. I wish you the best skwillrd
 

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