Hi, this is my story for anyone who'll listen

Since 8th grade or so I've always been on the margin, my social life wasn't much beyond school, I spent way too much in front of computer and I was pretty well involved in online communities. I did have my fun during Middle and High School, wasn't popular but I was a character and had something to offer, I was seen as a little eccentric. I didn't care much for my social life and I didn't try.

Since I've started college though (2nd year now), my circle of friends are far apart from me. I've been commuting to college (NYC) so I've lived with my parents. I used to really care about being financially independent. Now though, I just lack the motivation to move out since I've realized my life has no value because apart from my parents who might care for me, and I do owe them a lot, which makes me feel like the only reason to live to to repay my debt to them, apart from that I have no ambition. Classes are now large and I'm a person who rarely communicates with others unless it is necessary. I have trouble warming up to people, I rarely acknowledge their presence. Even if it is someone I know, I might often fail to recognize them. I can communicate professionally if I have some business with them but I'm horrible at just being friendly and I'm sure it drives people away from me thinking I'm a cold person so neither of us break the ice.

I feel lonely now because my friendships from high school are no longer existent because though I hanged out with them, they weren't of any emotional value. I'm also removed from my online "social life" because I used to play a certain MMO, I don't anymore and I've lost touch with the community. Recently I noticed that nobody really talks to me online, I talk to them, so I have the feeling I'm of no value to them nor my high school friends.

I think I've kept everyone far away from me because of my eccentricity, not only am I not friendly to people I don't know well, I'm also a bit "out there." I could go on and on about a completely random topic and I can't stop talking once i get started, I'm also very sarcastic and few people share my sense of humor. I fail at being a friendly nice person, I'm always either reserved and removing my self from society or bouncing off the walls and talkative enough to alienate those that do get close. On a related note, I'm horrible at lying and small talk which is part of why I push people away, though I don't try to, it is just who I am.

I have often questioned my sanity, and it is pretty clear I'm missing a good chunk of it and I'm not sure how bad it is. Not that I regret it, I think I'm an interesting person who can be expected to say or do the unexpected and outrageous, but for most people that would be a reason to be cautious. I'm sure I can completely shut that part of me off, but that is who I am, and who I like to be, it has been rare for that side of me to the accepted except on a couple of occasions, one is a childhood friend who is now quite far away, and though we understand each other, we just have little to do with each other. The other person was someone who I thought was equally eccentric yet ultimately didn't place much value on either so again the string broke because I pulled too hard.

At the lowest point, I thought "heh, I wonder, it would probably just lead to some dating site but lets see" And I typed in "no friends lonely" on google to see what happened, I found that moviecodec site...quite amazing really, 32,000 posts all started by one random post by a guy who was lonely, I clicked the banner and ended up here.

That is my story, please judge and criticize me to your content, I would appreciate that more than words of encouragement.

Thanks for reading this unnecessarily long post. You can call me extra.

Hi extra.

It was very brave of you to be so honest, you strike me as an incredibly intelligent person.
I dont think any life is without value, although not too long ago, I didnt think mine was worth much. It seemed that everyone I got close to, everyone I loved and cared about treated me like crap or stabbed me in the back. I'm still angry about some of them, I can be sarcastic and bitter at times, and I just feel like I cant trust people most of the time.
Of course, this has lead to feelings of intense loneliness, and I wish I could trust more so I wouldn't have to be alone. I too found the Moviecodec page, and found my way here via the banner. I guess I'm just looking for interesting conversation on the nights where I cant sleep! During the day, I throw myself into my job so I dont have to feel anything, but night times are the worst for me.

Hi Ekstra. I too found this place just last night by a google search. I read your story and couldn't imagine criticizing you. If you ever want anyone to chat with email/pm me.

Hi Ekstra and welcome to the forum, well it seems to me that you know all of your faults very well, how about telling us about your good points,interests, and goals for the future. I also think that encouragement and support is a good thing for lonely people, it has helped me since joining this site. For a period or time, I more or less detatched myself from the world around me and I also had depression and a serious drinking problem, no friends,unemployed, I could go on and on. But I was just so sick of the way I was living or surviving and did something about it. And it hasn't been easy but instead of looking at all of the negatives in my life I set myself goals to achieve and tried to move forward. It has taken some courage and I have achieved some things that I never thought possible a couple of years ago. I still feel lonely at times, and some days I feel like s--t, but I try to keep going. What I'm trying to say is, if you think your life is crap, do something about it, rather than wining about it and putting yourself down. I hope that I didn't offend you but you did ask to be judged. Usually I'm not this tough with my posts, but I have read many posts about members going on about how bad there life is and they don't even try to put one foot forward, they just put up with their lonely and depressed life.

Hello there Extra and a very warm welcome.
Your story sounds quite similar. I've also been on the border during my early years of highschool, and just like you, I had acquaintances but not much social life. I also didn't really care, because (like you again) I spent too much time on the computer. I've noticed too that noone really talks to me online anymore and because of my low self-esteem, I don't want to start convos with them unless its about homework or something crap like that.

Anyway, if you ever need someone to talk to, my MSN is on my profile. And don't worry about your "eccentricity", I like people who can talk about random subjects at length because I am a terrible conversation starter and once they get going, I find it easier to join in.

To Blue Sky: Thats true, I've always felt good whenever I think about what I have to do to accomplish anything or plan long term because everything seems possible probable. Though me being in a good mood or not doesn't help in a social way though since you can't make it a bunch of objectives...or maybe I can, I'll think about it. On that note though ever noticed how people are always miserable when you're in a good mood or the opposite?. And it's true that it's too easy to pity myself, though it does feel good to pity yourself, giving yourself attention for your lack of attention.

To Desolation: Thats exactly it, when you realize nobody is actually itching to talk to you or curious, and the last thing you want to do is annoy them. But its also true that unless I do talk to them, they wouldn't have a reason to talk to me.

I do think about these things way too much on my long train rides to school and work....nothing ever turns up a definite answer as I would hope for. Thanks for all thoughtful the comments though. I look forward to posting here.

Hey Ekstra, welcome to the forum

Ekstra said:

To Blue Sky: Thats true, I've always felt good whenever I think about what I have to do to accomplish anything or plan long term because everything seems possible probable. Though me being in a good mood or not doesn't help in a social way though since you can't make it a bunch of objectives...or maybe I can, I'll think about it. On that note though ever noticed how people are always miserable when you're in a good mood or the opposite?. And it's true that it's too easy to pity myself, though it does feel good to pity yourself, giving yourself attention for your lack of attention.

To Desolation: Thats exactly it, when you realize nobody is actually itching to talk to you or curious, and the last thing you want to do is annoy them. But its also true that unless I do talk to them, they wouldn't have a reason to talk to me.

I do think about these things way too much on my long train rides to school and work....nothing ever turns up a definite answer as I would hope for. Thanks for all thoughtful the comments though. I look forward to posting here.

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Well I think that when your in a social situation, it's far better to be in a good mood than a bad one. The way you act can rub off and affect other people. I do some customer service and I notice that if people are in a not so good mood or rude it can affect my mood at times, though I am learning not to take it personally.
But getting back to your original post. Do you want to do something about your life? Or do you just want to vent about it? I suppose it's ok for other members to vent, but it is good to see other members taking action and positive steps forward to try and cure there loneliness, and I really think that is what this forum is meant for.

Blue Sky said:

But getting back to your original post. Do you want to do something about your life? Or do you just want to vent about it? I suppose it's ok for other members to vent, but it is good to see other members taking action and positive steps forward to try and cure there loneliness, and I really think that is what this forum is meant for.

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Well I don't have too many complaints about my material life (of course theres a ton, but they are pretty trivial), its not particularly easy and I can't say that it is stressful. I do have a serious problem with ambition...or lack of it, which I think is more related to my emotional or social problems because I don't see a reason to try at life, aside from my obligation to repay my debt to my parents. I can certainly say that if I were dead nobody would care, except them. Not that I would want to cause anyone grief like that but I wish there was a better reason for me to participate in life...it really just comes back down to that loneliness..why should I look forward to tommorow? I can't see solving that as steps...I suppose I would have to find some reason to enjoy life, well I haven't found one yet and I have a feeling I'm far behind everyone else because I'm starting from scratch. I'd say I'm here to Vent though, because I have no where else to vent. Its certainly much better than burdening an unsuspecting friend. And not just to vent but for company too.