Death, marriage, and star trek

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fuhloizle

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Been reading here for a while. The people on here seem nice. Stuff has happened to me that I need to rant about and maybe get advice about, and I couldn't think of a better place than here to do it.

The situation, summarized:
Met a girl in high school, we date and are each others' first kiss, first time, practically first everything.
Three happy years pass.
Moved in with her family
Her parents divorced
Moved out
Broke up - basically we didn't communicate about our feelings enough
She dated a guy she had been seeing on the side
He had depression, anxiety issues, and a history of drug abuse. She can't handle his mood swings. They break up.
She wants to come back to me. I say she can try, but we can't 'officially' date again until I can trust her again, which will take time. She says she's willing to wait, she made a mistake.
I trust her enough to date her again. We officially date.
A couple months later, we're happy. Then she wants to put me as her boyfriend on facebook. In a moment of relapsing into fear of being hurt, I say no.
She tells me she feels like I don't trust her fully again, and that she needs a break to 'find herself' (she's an artist and drew and painted all the time, but doesn't anymore. She thinks maybe she's not the same person)
She dates the guy she dated last time. She was seeing him on the side again - but only for a couple days or so before she dumped me.
She dumped me late september. She moved in with him early october.
Time passes, I go through mourning and depression and the usual break up stuff.
All this while, her parents have been having post divorce court battles. Custody, alimony, etc. The mom is a deadbeat. Hasn't held a real job in her life - literally. Doesn't pay bills or anything. She's currently living without utilities of any kind because she's broke. But she gets spousal support from the dad. The dad is stressed and on edge all the time. Divorce, being lonely, paying support and stressing about whether or not he can keep his youngest daughter (my ex is 19, a legal adult, but her younger sister is 13).
The dad suffers a heart attack, presumably brought on by stress, yesterday. He dies.
The little sister is staying with the dad's girlfriend.
The mom tries to break into the house. My ex calls a relation of hers to watch the house for future break ins.
The relation gets drunk and doesn't watch the house.
I offer to watch the house.
So, here I am, watching The Search for Spock in her house, surrounded by memories of a dead man and a dead relationship and waiting for burglars.
A couple days ago I talked to my ex, the subject of marriage came up and she said she didn't want marriage now, but did want marriage soon after college.
Today, she tells me she's marrying the other guy. This decision must have been made the day of the dad's death. I really don't think that's a good time to decide to marry a guy, especially one you've only dated a total of 3.5 months, and even that not all in one stretch.


I'm not hoping to get her back. I know things are over between us. She can't be happy with me, as much as it hurts to admit it. But I'm not sure she can be really, truly happy with him either.

So, my question is: Is this marriage thing just her searching for some kind of security in a topsy-turvy world where everything's going the wrong way for her?

Can she really be happy with him, when she tried before and it didn't work?

Should I be supportive of her while she deals with the death of her father, or am I overstepping my bounds as a recent ex?
 
All the energy you're putting into this girl's life is only taking energy away from your own. You're concerning about things that have nothing to do with you.

Take all of that energy & pour it into your own life & your own well-being.... & run for the hills away from this 1 .. she sounds cracked.
 
First of all, I love your subject line. You may be going through hell right now, but you've got a solid sense of humour, which will save your ass more than you realize!

I'm a guy, I understand the intense hurt of wanting someone who keeps staying out of reach. It feels like you're dying of thirst and the pitcher of water is locked in the next room with some other guy. The trick is to realize that, in fact, you're NOT dying of thirst -- you're just addicted to the pitcher. You probably want this girl very badly, but it's a jumble of intense attraction and need. Real feelings and perfectly normal, but not a foundation for a solid relationship. To be blunt: She is poison.

If it's any consolation, she'll likely be poison to this other guy, too. But do not let yourself be dangled by the hope that she'll come back to you. If she does come back, it'll be for an hour, or for a favour. Not saying she's necessarily a bad person, but she is definitely wayyy too immature to handle the amount of emotional payback you need right now.

Hey, if Spock could plant his consciousness in McCoy, who then travels across the galaxy to transplant it into a reborn body, you can get yourself out of this girl's house and start your own life again.
 
To answer your question about marriage. I have noticed that girls her age tend to see marriage as some kind of right of passage. It makes them more adult. They have a piece of paper that says she is mature enough to settle down. Chances are the emotional stress from her father's death influenced her decision. Chances are the guy saw a chance to secure a source of sex. So why not take that chance?

As for supporting her, meh I say break off contact. She cheated on you twice. To top that all off she now has a fiancé. Let him do the emotional support and get on with your own life.
 
This:
Sprint said:
All the energy you're putting into this girl's life is only taking energy away from your own. You're concerning about things that have nothing to do with you.

Take all of that energy & pour it into your own life & your own well-being.... & run for the hills away from this 1 .. she sounds cracked.

And this:
AFrozenSoul said:
As for supporting her, meh I say break off contact. She cheated on you twice. To top that all off she now has a fiancé. Let him do the emotional support and get on with your own life.

These guys already said pretty much everything that needs to be said. She's not your concern. Start focusing on making yourself happy.

 
wow. first of all i want to say that i am sincerely sorry for everything you've gone through with this girl. i can sympathize with you because i've been in this sort of situation before, and i am truly sorry for what you've had to go through because of all of this.

now, i think that with the loss of her dad, she's just looking for someone to hang on to, perhaps provide for her. these things often work out this way. when my parents divorced, and after they left the house and left me in charge of the mortgage and our house, i felt absolute freedom. i was sad and kind of went into a tailspin, but i felt that i no longer had to live by their rules, and that i no longer had to answer to them, or even that they needed to know about my personal and private life. maybe she only said that she wanted to wait after college to get married because it's what her father wanted. maybe she's wanted to get married all along. also, you have to keep in mind that she's not in her right mind, and her current depressed/anxious/drug-plagued boyfriend isn't either, and this is probably just a spur-of-the-moment decision that hasn't been thought out well. people, particularly the young ones, don't really think these things out.

as for being happy with him, it's all up to her. if this is what makes her happy, then yes, she'll be happy. personally, i don't foresee any long-term happiness being born from this, but that's just my opinion. there's too much drama going on, too many distracting factors in the mix, and i just don't see how anyone could be happy in a situation like her's.

as for your last question, i'd have to ask you if you love her. do you? because if you do, then you will support her. i'm not saying you have to be in love with her, you just have to care for her and help her even though it's going to hurt inside. you're not overstepping your boundries unless she tells you that you are.

from the bottom of my heart, i wish you the best of luck and i truly hope that things work out for you. take care.

-freedom
 
AFrozenSoul said:
@Equinox: O_O Oh my god you actually agree with something I said... Oh man I better stock up on supplies.

I know, right! I was equally shocked. :D
 

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