Tips for Socializing and CONVERSATION (with people) (long)

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bannerwave

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One thing i see continuously on theses boards is people complaining about how they can't make conversation or talk yet do not take any active action in order to address the issue. And instead of using these boards to fix it they use it to reassure themselves that its ok to be like that (not saying its wrong to be shy but it IS wrong to live a life that you do not want to live). Im sorry for my tone but this is reality.

So take it or leave it. If your not open minded and overly sensitive then close the page because your most likely not going to change.

First let me tell you a bit about my story

ive was a loser my whole life and depressed and at one point attempted suicide.
i had buck teeth (got braces so now im good) and i was short (still short 5'4) and overall pathetic
i stuttered a lot and couldnt hold a conversation to save my life
i never had a girlfriend and i lost my virginity to a prostitute (i somehow dont regret that)
not trying to make this a competition but just trying to let you know where im coming from.

over the last few years i completely turned my life around. i got a solid circle of good friends, i got swole and consciously made myself better looking, and have more girls that i know what to do with

this was one of the major pieces of advice(along with many many many others) that helped me changed
all i wanted to do was pass it on and hope it changes someones elses life. because i would have given anything to have seen a post like this a few years back

Soooo lets dive right into it...

i think it's ironic how people at a social anxiety forum ask for tips for socializing from other people that have social anxiety. its like the blind leading the blind. 

lol i don't mean to offend anyone but if irony were strawberries we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies. 

So the first thing everyone asks is.
WTF DO I TALK ABOUT?

Well what do YOU like to talk about?
If something doesn’t interest you or you don’t know much about it you will hardly be able to hold a conversation

So take a piece of paper, and write down 10 topics you like to talk about or have opinions about


FOR EXAMPLE FOR ME WHAT SEEMS TO COME UP A LOT: (in MY conversation yours topics will be different)

Alcohol (times you've gotten drunk, funny antics)
Drugs (my favorite topic)
School/College (professors, prom, majors, theres a lot to talk about here)
Traveling (places you’ve been, things you've done)
Work (people, customers, weird expeirnces)
Public transportation (how shitty it is, funny stories)
Video games
Trashy reality show's
Your city/town (compare different parts, )
Tattoo's/piercing
TV shows.
Computers (apple vs windows)
West cost vs east coast.
Different type of people (emo, preppy, ghetto)
Psychology (how different people think)
Relationships
Phones (android vs iphone)
Stores/shopping
Music (popular music relates to most people)
Sex
Police (mainly stories about the police)
Difference between guys and girls
Cars (or your experience with cars/driving)
Politics (occupy wallstreet is common topics)
Boy drama (even if its not yours)
Girl drama (even if its not yours)

Also write down any funny stories that’s happened to you or that you've heard.
Everyone likes to laugh.

So you have your 10 topics
Now write what you think about each topic and your experiences with it or any interesting things/stories you can think of.

I'll wait………..
…………..
……...
….


BTW I DO NOT RECOMMEND RELAYING ON SCRIPTS ITS JUST HELPS TO WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN SO YOU HAVE AN IDEA OF WHAT YOUR OPINION IS ON EVERYTHING!!

I REPEAT DO NOT TRY TO JUST MEMORIZE EVERYTTHING

First, you know your good subjects. Everyone has subjects that they're good at talking about, and subjects that they're bad at talking about. For me, personally, I'm good at talking about psychology, I'm good at talking about traveling, I'm good at talking about food, I'm good at talking about reality TV. I'm bad at talking about popular music, I'm bad at talking about politics, and I’m bad at talking about current movies and stuff like that. So I know what I want to talk about. I know I want to get into my good subjects and avoid my bad subjects, which brings us to our next piece.

Know how to transition. Knowing how to transition is really, really important. It's probably the most important skill when it comes to not running out of things to say, and in general, there are a few ways to transition, but don’t be afraid to just transition without a tangible link. Don’t be afraid to use a non sequitur transition, but make sure that you keep moving from subject to subject. That’s a big part of not running out of things to say— not staying on one subject because generally when you stay on one subject, eventually you're going to exhaust it. And by the time the subject is exhausted, it's too late to move on, and you don’t really have a chance to move forward because now the conversation is over

Sooo the three ways to transition are

-questions
-phrasal transtions
-observations


Realize that theses are mostly ways to talk about YOURSELF but you'll find out a lot of information about the other person because humans relay on the law of reciprocity.

Let me explain (explanation stolen from sinn)

The law of reciprocity basically states that because humans are not well equipped to survive in the world, meaning that we don’t have claws, or fangs, or anything like that, we had to become social animals. We had to bond together in order to build cities, in order to be safe from saber tooth tigers, etc.What happened was, human beings have psychologically become programmed with something called the law of reciprocity, which basically states that if you do something for someone first — if you give someone some information, if you give someone a gift, if buy someone a drink— they are going to be more likely to give something back to you. And the reason is—it's pretty simple. If someone does something for us, that is a good sign that they have our best interest at heart, which is going to make us more inclined to do stuff for them. If someone just tries to take, and take, and take, then we don’t like that.

So that’s why if you give information about yourself , they will give information about themselves.
OMG I THINKS THAT’S WHAT THEY CALL SOCIALIZING. And that’s also why IF YOU DON’T TALK TO PEOPLE THEY WONT TALK TO YOU.

Anyways I digress

Lets talk about transitioning through topics

QUESTIONS-----
Questions are a viable way of bringing up topics
The thing is when you ask a question about something you want to know why your asking it.
For example if I wanted to talk about the college I go to I would say:

What school do you go to?
They respond.
Oo cool I got to xx. Its actually a good school but theres a lot of crackheads and potheads, one time….

Then your on the topic of school/potheads

Hey have you ever been to california?
They respond
I just recently took a trip over there and its like the funnest place ive been, we drove all the ….

Now your talking about traveling/california

You can make any questions into statement if you scared of people thinking you weird for asking them questions. (which they wont.)

Like instead of

Do you have tattoos?
You say
"You seem like you have tattoos"
BOOM! Your talking about tattoos

That’s all for questions



Second way to tranistions

PHRASAL TRANSITIONS-------

Second form of transition that’s really, really powerful — transition phases. A transition phrase just links one subject to another. It's just like, “Check this out—oh, my God, the craziest thing happened, I have to tell you about this!” They are usually simple, and no one is ever going to say, “Wait, you were talking about your mom's girlfriend's sister needing a dog, and now we are talking about New York, that’s not logical.” No one calls you out on these things.The whole point of a transition phase is to just quickly and easily transition from one subject to another without having to do a lot. They're really easy to use

Some are

Hey check this out …
Omg I have to tell you about…
Youll never believe what happened….
I have to tell you about when...
etc

Theres easy to use and are perfect when theres a pause or ackward silence
The key here is just to blurt them out


Third way

OBSERVATIONS-----

Use things in the enviorment to change the subject.
Pretty simple

That drink reminds me of when I…
You tottally remind me of..
This garage reminds me of when I was a kid and ….
The girl looks like…

Also pay attention to what the people say because you can always use something they said to move to another topic. Know what to pay attention to. You will want to know what to pay attention to when you're talking to people. You will want to pay attention to their body language. Are they crossing their arms? Are they paying attention to you? Facing you? Are they contributing to the conversation? Are you boring them? If they seem bored, change subjects. Be aware of what's going on. Don’t just be a one-way street.




YOU ALSO WANT TO TRANSITION SOONER RATHER THAN LATER BECAUSE THAT WAY YOU CAN AVOID ACKWARD SILENCES

HAVE A DEFAULT WAY TO START A CONVERSATION


With people you know you can just start talking
If it’s a group of strangers you might be nervous.

If it’s a group you can say,
Hey my friends are being boring so I wanted to come over here to meet you guys, im xx…transition

If it’s a party, or gathering you can always be like
Hey I don’t think we've met, im bobby…then transtition

You can also ask opinion
Hey I need a girl's (or guys) opinion, who do you think lies more men or woman?
Hey I I need your opinoin, do you think drunk "I love you's" count?



BUT REMEMER TO TRANSITION RIGHT AWAY AS MORE THAN LIKELY PEOPLE WILL NOT KNOW WHAT TO TALK ABOUT. BUT YOU WILL!!!!
Also don’t try to milk each topic for all its worth because you can always come back to it.
Ex: hey remember how we were talking about how girls lie more, well check this out...

EXPECT TO DO MOST OF THE TALKING AT LEAST FOR THE FIRST 5 MINUTES WITH STRANGERS. THEN THE LAW OF RECIPROCITY KICKS IN AN PEOPLE OPEN UP MORE!!


OK THE LAST PIECE OF ADVICE.
MAKE AN ACRONYM

Acronyms are great for when your head is fuzzy and cant think of what to say.
Its simple its basically a word where each letter stands for a subject
You don’t want to make them too long though
FOR EXAMPLE my acronym is PATS

P- psychology
A-alchohol
T-traveling
S-school

Make them your favorite subjects too so its easier.

I KNOW SOMONE IS GOING TO SAY "BUT I DON’T KNOW ANY TOPICS TO TALK ABOUT I DON’T DO ANYTHING"

BULLSH!T

Do you have a pet?
Where do you work? (talk about your job, the cool parts and funny stories)
How is your family like? (dysfunctional? Funny? )
Do you have/know any little kids? (little kids are priceless and lot of people can relate)
What music do you listen to?
What are your hobbies?
What city do you live in?
What school do you go to?
What weird situations have you gotten in?
Have you traveled?
Been anywhere interesting?
Do you do any sports?
What do you watch on tv?
What video games do you play?
etc

Everyone has something to talk about
The problem is putting them in words



last piece of advice is KEEP A JOURNAL
Write down your experiences using this
So you can adjust as time goes by
It helps you realize where you need improvement

Hope you guys use this because it took me forever to write this all down

Enjoy!


-banner
 
You seem to be being a little rude or sarcastic, fix this immediately (D)
Also, it doesnt always work they way you seem to be expecting it to
Also, it's awkward, not ackward
Miaow, bruvah (D)
 
I agree with condemned on the fact that you came across as a little rude. You could have phrased a lot of things better, but yeah, for the most part, you make good points. However, not everyone works the same way as others, what works for one may not be any help for others. Some can't come out of their shell enough to put these into play. It takes time, when you have social anxiety, small steps are best for those people.
 
a major issue with people not talking or having AWKWARD conversation (happy now?) is that they don't know what to talk about. i attempted to fix these issues here the way i was taught to fix them. i am now much more social and overall happier.

callie- i agree with the small steps. maybe im going to edit this to include some tips to get started. (i know it was a lot to take in) As far as my tone goes. i don't think/care if it was rude. its reality. One thing i see continuously on theses boards is people complaining about how they can't make conversation or talk yet do not take any active action in order to address the issue. And instead of using these boards to fix it they use it to reassure themselves that its ok to be like that (not saying its wrong to be shy but it IS wrong to live a life that you do not want to live)

thomas- don't take my advice then if you are satisfied with your life the way it is.


Ak5- i dont know what that means

EveWasFRamed- EVERYONE LIKES STRAWBERRYS SMOOTHIES!!!! btw that whole thing about strawberrys and irony was a line from family guys

that is alll
 
bannerwave said:
EveWasFRamed- EVERYONE LIKES STRAWBERRYS SMOOTHIES!!!! btw that whole thing about strawberrys and irony was a line from family guys

that is alll

I like eggnog smoothies. :club: That is all.
 
btw condemned don't think im some jock that wandered into some forums in order to tell you all how to live.

i bet that my social anxiety was worse than ALL of yours combined.

ive was a loser my whole life and depressed and at one point attempted suicide.
i had buck teeth (got braces so now im good) and i was short (still short 5'4) and overall pathetic
i stuttered a lot and couldnt hold a conversation to save my life
i never had a girlfriend and i lost my virginity to a prostitute (i somehow dont regret that)
not trying to make this a competition but just trying to let you know where im coming from.

over the last few years i completely turned my life around. i got a solid circle of good friends, i got swole and consciously made myself better looking, and have more girls that i know what to do with

this was one of the major pieces of advice(along with many many many others) that helped me changed

all i wanted to do was pass it on and hope it changes someones elses life. because i would have given anything to have seen a post like this a few years back




 
bannerwave said:
i don't think/care if it was rude. its reality. One thing i see continuously on theses boards is people complaining about how they can't make conversation or talk yet do not take any active action in order to address the issue.

And yet you do not see any irony in advising others in social communication even as you fail to communicate in an effective manner - which with people who are shyer, is almost always to be polite and empathetic.

I agree with taking action to change any situation one does not wish to be in; however, I believe that your approach could use modification. There is also something interesting about claiming to be 'truth'; everyone, in the end, claims their beliefs to be true, because in the end, one's overall set of perceptions does make their view of the universe completely and absolutely true to them.

It does not necessarily make it truth to anyone else.
 
IgnoredOne said:
bannerwave said:
i don't think/care if it was rude. its reality. One thing i see continuously on theses boards is people complaining about how they can't make conversation or talk yet do not take any active action in order to address the issue.

And yet you do not see any irony in advising others in social communication even as you fail to communicate in an effective manner - which with people who are shyer, is almost always to be polite and empathetic.

I agree with taking action to change any situation one does not wish to be in; however, I believe that your approach could use modification. There is also something interesting about claiming to be 'truth'; everyone, in the end, claims their beliefs to be true, because in the end, one's overall set of perceptions does make their view of the universe completely and absolutely true to them.

It does not necessarily make it truth to anyone else.

first of all i dont think i even used the word truth at all
or ever claimed my beliefs to be the universally true

and effective communication to me means getting the point across. Not making sure nobody feelings gets hurt. id prefer that somone think im azzhole and use my advice than not use and think im a super awesome guy and just click on the next thread.

i give 2 sh!ts if i hurt someones feelings here. actually i HOPE i did.
because pain is one of the best motivators for change.

pain is your minds way of telling you that you need to change. because when you get enough pain you are FORCED to change. because you either change or you kill yourself (or try)

that's what happened to me.(first one, then the other)

so if anything my communication has probably been even MORE effective by me being a d!ck

i didnt see any other threads here helping people make clear, flowing, conversation.

so thanks everyone for criticizing my "approach" and calling me rude when im trying to give quality advice that could help rid someone of their anxiety

it sure has motivated me to help more people on this forum
 
bannerwave said:
it sure has motivated me to help more people on this forum

Well, by you said, pain is one of the best motivators for change. So we're encouraging change in you, helpfully :)

Plenty of assistance is being provided. I'm sure that if you looked at any thread, you'll notice individuals more than willing to provide help. Effective communication has many methods, but pain generally causes people to ignore the message and concentrate on the source of the pain.

I teach, as one of my jobs. Do I communicate with my students, "God you're stupid, this is how you do X and Y!"? Not at all. I present them with a problem, observe how they solve it or fail to, usually to gain their train of thought, and then I present what I hope is an effective explanation based on /their/ understanding. Along the way, I frequently compliement them and celebrate any learning we accomplish, because it can be a difficult slog.

Its like speaking another language. If you really want to communicate, you have to speak with others in their language.

I, too, had extreme sociophobia in part from growing up effectively 16 years completely alone. This isn't a loneliness contest, but understand that there are other ways of growing and conquering one's flaws, too. It wasn't because of pressure, persay, that I improved. I just made a decision one day that I would have to deal, and learn, even if I got hurt along the way while trying.

At any rate, I appreciate your intent. I just feel that your method is deeply flawed, and as I'm sure you know, how you say something as often as important as what you say.
 
bannerwave said:
callie- i agree with the small steps. maybe im going to edit this to include some tips to get started. (i know it was a lot to take in) As far as my tone goes. i don't think/care if it was rude. its reality. One thing i see continuously on theses boards is people complaining about how they can't make conversation or talk yet do not take any active action in order to address the issue. And instead of using these boards to fix it they use it to reassure themselves that its ok to be like that (not saying its wrong to be shy but it IS wrong to live a life that you do not want to live)

Who says they don't try? Most of the threads I read DO indicate that the people are TRYING to have conversations with people, but for the most part, they do not succeed for whatever reason, so saying they don't try in false information and takes it from a rude level to an almost offensive level. You can't help people by offending them.
I think you'll find that the majority of people who talk about being shy here, get told that they need to OPEN UP and get out there more and whatever else...aside from the typical "I've been there, I have the same problem, etc etc etc" BUT, people need to do things at a pace they are comfortable with, only taking themselves out of there comfort level in small doses so as not to traumatize themselves and therefore making them worse. Yes, some people can just throw themselves in, but not the majority, imo.
 
bannerwave said:
i give 2 sh!ts if i hurt someones feelings here. actually i HOPE i did.
because pain is one of the best motivators for change.

Digging your hole a little deeper I see. *shrug*
 
Thanks for making the thread and the advice banner,

my personal opinion is that social situations shouldn't be automated and studied...

I know people who have read books on "manipulation in the workplace" and said it's 100% true and works perfectly.

But I would never wanna be someone like that. It's not right, it's not humane, it's not natural.

I'm not great and the social aspects, but I try in my own way :D And you know... it's me. No point in studying to be someone else.

People gotta like you for yourself so :). It's nice advice and perhaps a few things to remember here and there. But I will indeed go my own way thank you!
 
Can I add a tip for people trying to have a conversation....
RESPECT THE PEOPLE YOU ARE TALKING TO AT LEAST A LITTLE **** BIT. Which does actually require you giving a semblance of a honeysuckle.

M'kay, that's all.

 
ok well i was going to sit here and start here throw combacks at all of you
but whatever

im done with this forum

i WILL however not delete the thread (i was going to just to spite you guys)
because there still people that can use it.

have a nice life. (i know i am)

btw if ur going to respond to this post realize that i won't even read it let alone respond.

IF ANYONE WANTS MORE HELP OR NEED EXPLAINING EMAIL ME AT [email protected]
 
Force generally will fail. You can't make people do what you want, they have to decide that for themselves. People have to stop blaming others and blame themselves. They have to recognize their individual problems. It is hard when you have people with problems that lead them to have a group identity, rather then really seeing them for themselves. That is a human thing, but in some people it is exaggerated.

Alot of it is very simple, but can end up being extremely hard at the same time. For those that can see it is great, but try having a duck explain itself to a frog. Without being a duck themselves, it just doesn't work.

Anyway. Stuff you say makes sense, but you are expecting people to not be who they are. It isn't realistic. For some it is all learned, for others it is biological and they are helpless to their perceptions.


I will say that it can be far easier then you make it sound. You can be the biggest goof in the world, just so long as you deal with people in a way they can handle. The fact that you think you need rules like above. Well you are hardly free. The problem is people try to be perfect or fit an idea, rather then being present and just aware.

And you have to be able to face rejection...
 
bannerwave said:
ok well i was going to sit here and start here throw combacks at all of you
but whatever

im done with this forum

I like surrender. Thank you for making my point.

You do realize the mods can delete the post. They're not doing so out of courtesy, which is a valuable trait for communication.

Good luck with your life.
 

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