I give up.

Right now I am incredibly sick of being bubbly and bright all the ******* time. It gets old. fresia it. I feel right back at the spot where I worshiped my razor and pondered suicide about as much as a pubescent boy ponders sex.
The only reason I am posting this right now is because honestly, all my usual resources are unavailable and I need to get it out. I'd go cut myself up but honestly, that would only disappoint myself and I'm too busy taking care of some other lazy ass woman's ******* kid.
I'm not going to say any more because quite frankly, I'd rather not deal with anyone being offended or taking anything personally.

Today has been like dreaming, backwards.

"ut then, I started to look at the other patients around me, and I started to realize that I was never, ever going to get better. No therapy was going to help me cope any better than I already do every day on my own. No medication will ever fix me. I will always have depression. I can fight it. I can achieve all kinds of things. I can make everyone think I'm normal, that I'm coping, that I'm okay. But I've never been okay. I'll never be okay. I will always be one bad day away from suicide. Until I'm dead. I spend my life trying to delay what I know is inevitable."

Wow.

:s

---

Okay, trying to get over the initial shock of how much I relate to the bolded portions of that.

Viv, i am sorry you are struggling right now. If you need to talk, i'm just a text or a Private Message, or a Private Chat away. *hug*

Do you want to say that's triggered you to feel this despair? Anything?

---

*becomes embarassed*

Oh, you said you are tired of being bubbly all the time. I get tired of that too. Then I just become a ***** until my guilt kicks in and then I try to be nice again.

I guess you only have so much bubbly to give out to people until it runs out. I want to be nice, believe me, but sometimes *my* niceness runs out. THen I feel bad. but yeah, maybe it's normal?

I dunno, you don't have to be bubbly all the time around *me* I'll understand.

Vivy you do not understand the point of the forum. Bitching, complaining, being all kinds of negative are 100% allowed especially in a thread you created. Also if you ever need someone to be a ***** to you know im not to far away.

I am so incredibly alone and isolated. I hate it. that bit about thinking your friends all hate you behind your back? Yeah. All the time. Every ******* day. The part about being desperate and feeling like a failure and being in a living Hell? You bet your bottom dollar.

I'm so sorry you feel that way vivy.

I realize that I don't know you or why you're struggling, but all I can say is how honestly sorry I am that you feel that way. I wish I could take everyone's pain away, I really do. All i can offer you is my ears should you ever need them.

Take care Vivy, I wish the best for you! (hug)

VideoVidiVisum said:

I am so incredibly alone and isolated. I hate it. that bit about thinking your friends all hate you behind your back? Yeah. All the time. Every ******* day. The part about being desperate and feeling like a failure and being in a living Hell? You bet your bottom dollar.

Click to expand...

They probably don't hate you and it's just your mind playing tricks on you.

Unless you have substantive proof...

but something tells me it is more to do with your own concept of self worth?

frey12 said:

Vivy you do not understand the point of the forum. Bitching, complaining, being all kinds of negative are 100% allowed especially in a thread you created. Also if you ever need someone to be a ***** to you know im not to far away.

Click to expand...

I cannot believe that of all people frey was the one to coax the shadow of a sickly little smile.

SophiaGrace said:

but something tells me it is more to do with your own concept of self worth?

Click to expand...

Yupp.

I can't help you I guess since we are in too similar of a boat Viv...

*hugs for you though*

I guess I was just trying to show I care.

SophiaGrace said:

I can't help you I guess since we are in too similar of a boat Viv...

*hugs for you though*

I guess I was just trying to show I care.

Click to expand...

Showing you care helps. A LOT.

I know this is dumb but I wish I could help you more than just by caring. Like, make it so you would never feel like this again.

SophiaGrace said:

I know this is dumb but I wish I could help you more than just by caring. Like, make it so you would never feel like this again.

Click to expand...

Eh. It's a disease.

Yeah. I know.

...

(no) if only we could cure it.
But then, we are as gold purified through these flames.

my ears are too sensitive for music these days for some reason...

:/ *comforting nuzzles though*

xoxo (hug)

Hey, I know those feelings. Although I don't believe my friends hate me behind my back, I do believe that they don't really care. I'm fun to hang out with every now and then (because, to be honest, I'm hilarous and great company when I'm actually in the mood to socialize), but the moment I actually need some support and comfort, they're all gone. I doubt I'll ever be able to trust people. I'll never feel like I have true friends. FML.

Now to my pep-talk: VVV, you seem like a great person; fun, funny, nice and smart. You make the world a better place, and you certainly make this forum a better place. Big hugs!

Equinox said:

Hey, I know those feelings. Although I don't believe my friends hate me behind my back, I do believe that they don't really care. I'm fun to hang out with every now and then (because, to be honest, I'm hilarous and great company when I'm actually in the mood to socialize), but the moment I actually need some support and comfort, they're all gone. I doubt I'll ever be able to trust people. I'll never feel like I have true friends. FML.

Now to my pep-talk: VVV, you seem like a great person; fun, funny, nice and smart. You make the world a better place, and you certainly make this forum a better place. Big hugs!

Click to expand...

Thanks hon xoxo (hug)

so whats your problem again?

NewLeaf said:

so whats your problem again?

Click to expand...

What's yours? (d)