Rant

Tried to type in something but then realized most of it is going to be just repetitive and moreover tiring for some people who listens to my crap or have listened to it for hours or even days or months. I really would like to thank them all, having so much of patience and not hating me as I have turned into a person from 'never gets angry' to 'snaps easily'. I even take out my frustration on some people but I dont even know how they handle it so calmly, even though few does snap back at me its always been in a good way. Hah they must really like me to be so kind to me and listen to my crap for so long and still to not have much hatred towards me, or it might just be my situation which makes them feel pity towards me. You really cant hate a person if you feel pity towards him, now would you? I guess I cannot. Whatever the reason maybe, thank you all for being so kind. Without few of you, I wouldn't really be here. I would have committed suicide long back. Although the thought is still inside my mind, deep down, even if it's fading away, there might come a day it will just come up with all its might and devour me. Nah! don't worry. Things have to be extremely bad for that to happen now since I have gotten over most of my sadness. But the chances are still there. If history repeats as it does always, then it might.

I really don't know what happened to me. My parents used to yell at me for roaming around with friends all day and coming home really late night (at times drunk though they never found out) when I was in my teens. Things have really changed and I really don't go out now. I have started to feel this strange uncomfortable feeling when I am in public. Its not much but that feeling is slowly increasing and I need to go out. But the comfort of sitting home with a pc has become so enjoyable to me that I hate going out now. If I could sit here infront of this computer for a whole day, I really would do that. I am just forcing myself to go out now. It takes all I have to just take the trash out or to go and buy something or to say even clean this place. I have literally sat home (when I was at my parents) for a year, doing nothing but chat and post all day on this forum. It was really fun at that time but when I look back now, I realize I was wasting my time and I really was wasting it to an extreme level. I wish if I had done something good at that time, it would have helped me a bit now atleast. I shouldn't have really sat home and did all the things which made me fall into that depression last year, it would have been way better without all that. The experience was really good but still it feels like that took away half of my life and half of my identity as what I am and I dont feel like myself anymore. I have a job now and I have many friends. Way too many that I cant count really. Its just that sometimes I get really frustrated with life and then I want to isolate myself out of everyone but at that time if someone intimate to me is there to talk, I might feel better. When I said intimate, I meant as a gf. Still I am stuck in this loneliness, not knowing what to do and where to go. I guess I have to go to work now. If I can edit this, I will log back in and add more rant at a later time. Thanks for reading so far

Sanal, I guess I still remember you as that happy-go-lucky guy who was always smiling. Whenever I talk to you now, that's who I think of, because that person is still you, somewhere, I guess.

I'm glad to hear that you are not so sad anymore, and that you have friends and a job. It makes sense that you would have a lot of friends, you're a very friendly person and like almost anyone. It kinda makes me wish I could be like you!

I don't have much advice on the relationship front.

I'll just end this by saying that I am glad to have met you Sanal.

I'm always happy to listen if you want to pitch me a PM.

Dude, I don't pity you at all - but I'm just more than willing to share in your frustration, since you really are an awesome guy at heart.
As for the feelings of wanting to be in isolation, it's pretty normal, considering what you've been through - perhaps you've just lost faith in people a bit? Just don't dismiss the fact that things can easily change with time. I'm sure everything will work out for you in the end, but if sitting at home is something which feels safe to you, then perhaps you should just allow yourself to feel safe for the moment.

Thankyou Soph, that made me smile a bit, even though I am pretty certain that wanting to be like me is something which you shouldnt wish for lol trust me you dont want that.

Thanks IO, I would have but my rants are really pathetic ones.

Vagrant, thanks for the kind words although I am not sure about me being the awesome guy part but I sure hope things works out. Sitting home feels safe cos that makes me less anxious about things around and my future but I dont see it as a good thing. Its just scary.

Lefu . you're awesome

Liley said:

Lefu . you're awesome

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+103935039348

Catfish bro.