I guess an introduction is now in order...

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justanotherPeanut

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I'm an 18 year old male living in the New England region.

I guess I've just sort of drifted through life. I've always had people tolerate me for the most part. It was the classic bait and switch on me. I'm usually quiet, but people will be nice to me, only to crush my already shattered emotional psyche when I crawl out of my shell.

Dad wasn't exactly helpful either. Emotionally and mentally negligent, even when I told him I was going to improve myself, he has doubted me. No matter what, it's an uphill battle, and he won't listen to anyone. And for a family man, he can be a tad bit selfish. :/

Mom was just there up until I was 8. Didn't talk to her for 3 years after, and when I did, she blamed my dad. Now, we just talk every once in a while.

I guess I just feel like I can't express myself anymore. I can't get everything out there. Like there's something I want to say, but I have no idea what it is. I've always been told my feelings of loneliness and depression have been pretty much worthless by my dad, in not so many words, but still, I try not to tell people how I feel because of that.

I don't know what I'm looking for anymore. I feel like I can't function. I don't think I'll really have much of a life anymore. I used to be filled with so much hope in myself, other people, and my future. Now hope doesn't exist for me. :/

But anyways, I guess that's me. Sorry for being all morbid and depressing. I'll just stop now.
 
You've had a tough start to life no doubt about it. Even though I felt my parents were remote from me (mum was 38 when she had me and my dad was 45) they were at least in my life.I used to think of what was happening to me as emotional abuse and I think my needs were often neglected or ignored. They probably did their best at the time though, my dad is no longer with us and he did fight in the 2nd world war which I think affected him although he never discussed it.
Can you get some therapy from somewhere? I found it usefull to talk to a stranger about all kinds of things and who knows it may have saved my life even. It wasn't till I was really desperate for some help from someone though that I reached out for it and was able to talk about some things going on in my mind. I was 25 when this happened and I count this as the start of my new life.
 

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