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TheSolitaryMan

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Okay, this will sound ridiculous, but I figured I'd throw it out there.

In the past I've mentioned my shyness about rude stuff in public company, how I'm pretty naive about relationships and so on.

But there's another thing I've started noticing that I thought would be interesting to talk about. Girls seem to be kind of...scared by my niceness? And perhaps my maturity too.

I don't mean this boastfully in the slightest, but I've always felt more mature than my age. This actually seems to be kind of a disadvantage at the moment.

I had a brief chat with someone in a PM, and it was mentioned that nice guys sort of "bore" some girls, but I don't think that's always the case.

It's more like I'm "too nice" or even "too good" for them to consider for a relationship right now, odd as that sounds. They seem to realise I'm a pretty nice guy, perhaps even a good boyfriend, then make a conscious decision to get close-but-not-too-close to me in favour of someone a little more manic and detached.

Does that make any sense? It's just like a vibe I've been getting from girls for a while, I can't really explain it easily.

As an example, there's a group of girls (and some guys) in my class I'm befriending at the moment, linked to my previous thread about my (old) crush.. They're keen for me to hang out with them and try to include me in stuff they do, plus they seem to enjoy my company so I'm pretty sure I'm not boring them.

They're pretty much all sleeping around with various people and so on so they're different from me in that aspect. They're all around my age too.

However, their conversations...surprise me. The topics go in this seemingly circular loop. Sex --> work --> sex --> more sex --> sex in graphic detail --> sexual boasting --> work --> sex.

The funny thing is, they get sort of protective of me while discussing all this, even apologising for being so rude. I can joke around about it, but I can't help thinking sometimes "Jeez, am I the only one who finds all this really childish?"

Three people in the group started interrogating another member on whether her pubic hair was currently shaved or not, and I started to feel more than a little bit out of place. Unfortunately, almost everyone my age at the moment seems to talk like this.

Anyway, that's the weird rift in maturity I'm experiencing (or at least that's what I assume it is).

On top of that, as I first mentioned, I don't know if girls are kind of worried anything with me will be "too serious" or what, but they frequently seem attracted, then it's like they decide I'm really "cute", "sweet" or "nice" and develop this sort of sisterly thing with me.

Then they go and start having random sex with some guy who loves talking about pubic hair over lunch!

I'm not bitter or anything, I don't want casual sex anyway, I'm just so confused about how people perceive me. I feel like the only person not into chatting about this kind of stuff regularly.

Gah, I've typed all this and I still don't think I've made the point I was trying to. It's such an odd feeling to explain. I'm not being "friend zoned" or any of that crap, quite the contrary, it's like girls are saving me up for the future or something while they "go crazy" in the present.

I guess I'll see what the replies are like and try to communicate better, sorry if this came across as drivel!
 
TheSolitaryMan said:
Then they go and start having random sex with some guy who loves talking about pubic hair over lunch!

Solution: Talk about pubic hair over lunch. :p
 
I think I do understand and I think I am also in a somewhat similar situation. I have been called, multiple times, one of the nicest guy's anyone could know. I do things for people without thinking about it all the time, I always put others first before myself. About 99% of my social group are in relationship's, slept around alot when they were single and/or have been in multiple relationship's in the past.
In the end this is just speculation but maybe they view you as someone who could make good long term relationship material or maybe even husband but scared to get involved because of a potentially serious commitment... As if they are scared of it becoming something really serious. That might sound crazy to some but there are alot of people especially at a young age who are reluctant to get into a potentially serious relationship.

I also know this because I am someone who did this when I was younger... got with a girl, my first and only gf to this date, who was one of the nicest people you could ever meet, maybe I was stupid, ignorant and selfish for breaking up with her but thats in the past... I knew it would turn into something really serious after I was with her for a few months, she wanted to see me all the time and I just wasnt ready for large commitments at that age so I broke up with her. She got with someone I know a while after (because he fancied her, he even told me this while I was going out with her and said he woudl persue her if we ever broke up) now they are married and have been for half a decade.

Anyway what I am really getting at here is that if you are too nice, I think some women might view you as someone who will inevitably be looking for a long term serious relationship by default... might not want to hurt you if it doesnt work out. Who knows?
 
My roommate is the nicest guy in this **** earth. and thats a big problem for him with girls.
he's also super shy and that complicate things even more.
the thing is, girls like that of course. but they want something more... wild.

nice guys will be there always ( or that is what they expect ) so at the end... a nice guy is a loyal friend.
for example. ask your self. if you are young, and you aint looking for something serious, and you have a bunch of handsome funny and slutty girls around you, and this nicest girl too.
what will you choose?
 
Winterlong said:
My roommate is the nicest guy in this **** earth. and thats a big problem for him with girls.
he's also super shy and that complicate things even more.
the thing is, girls like that of course. but they want something more... wild.

nice guys will be there always ( or that is what they expect ) so at the end... a nice guy is a loyal friend.
for example. ask your self. if you are young, and you aint looking for something serious, and you have a bunch of handsome funny and slutty girls around you, and this nicest girl too.
what will you choose?

Well, this is the thing, in that situation I'd still choose the nicest girl! Heh.

All I want, all I've ever wanted relationship-wise, is a really nice girl who I feel a mutual attraction with. I've never been interested in the "slutty" girls, frankly whatever bedroom tricks they may have learned in their time going around the block I really don't care about.

Right now a girl like that just doesn't seem to be around. And in a class of 60+ people, that strikes me as a little depressing and unusual.

As I posted in another thread, the ironic thing is that I have just as much passion within me that all of these other more casual guys do. It'll just take the right girl for me to unlock that, rather than any random girl.

Soph, your reply made me chuckle! :D

The thing is though, it may be true. Seems like the only way to actually get some female attention at this point in my life would be to lower myself to being less-than-classy. Pretty sad indeed! Of course, I don't intend to do that, not worth it.

Shybuthi, you could very well be right. No idea what the answer to that is though, aside from, as I said towards Soph, becoming a less picky, more shallow guy :(

You sound similar to me indeed. I'm sorry your relationship broke up, but I can understand why it happened.

I've just started thinking deeply about it all, and I think I have everything a girl would want in a guy actually, but it's like that's the problem.

I'm caring, okay-looking, respectful, polite, intelligent enough to talk about stuff other than bodily functions...yet that's not desirable at this age, so I spend most of my time imagining how great a freaking kiss must feel.

I'd go as far as to say most people on these boards share these "good" traits with me, there are many great people here. Perhaps that is actually why we are so alone, in a world that largely seems to reward being something altogether less 'good'?
 
I agree with and hold a very similar stance to all of what you said there. I too would pick the nice girl, all I want relationship wise is a nice girl who I share a mutual attraction with too.

Its ok about that old relationship you sure dont need to be sorry on my behalf but thanks anyway. I was only like 16/17 and now im almost 25. Seems like such a long time ago now. I was just incredibly inexperienced with alot on my plate at that time in life. For some people they are ready but I simply was not ready for a serious relationship. I didnt even understand why she would like me at all in the first place let alone want to be with me all the time. She pursued me... not the other way around.

I also think I have some good traits that would make me desirable as relationship material, as you said you do.

I'm caring, okay-looking, respectful, polite, intelligent enough to talk about stuff other than bodily functions...yet that's not desirable at this age, so I spend most of my time imagining how great a freaking kiss must feel.

I know exactly how you feel there...


BTW I had a peek at your profile and noticed you said you started playing guitar. If you ever want any tips on guitar or music theory then feel free to send me a pm.
 
TheSolitaryMan said:
Winterlong said:
My roommate is the nicest guy in this **** earth. and thats a big problem for him with girls.
he's also super shy and that complicate things even more.
the thing is, girls like that of course. but they want something more... wild.

nice guys will be there always ( or that is what they expect ) so at the end... a nice guy is a loyal friend.
for example. ask your self. if you are young, and you aint looking for something serious, and you have a bunch of handsome funny and slutty girls around you, and this nicest girl too.
what will you choose?

Well, this is the thing, in that situation I'd still choose the nicest girl! Heh.

All I want, all I've ever wanted relationship-wise, is a really nice girl who I feel a mutual attraction with. I've never been interested in the "slutty" girls, frankly whatever bedroom tricks they may have learned in their time going around the block I really don't care about.

Right now a girl like that just doesn't seem to be around. And in a class of 60+ people, that strikes me as a little depressing and unusual.

As I posted in another thread, the ironic thing is that I have just as much passion within me that all of these other more casual guys do. It'll just take the right girl for me to unlock that, rather than any random girl.
I know. but you want a serious relationship. that's why you choose the smart girl.
otherwise....

 
I think they are on to something ^^^.. makes sense to me about people not wanting to be in a serious relationship so soon and maybe want the adventerous lifestyle since they're young. I am not a guy but I've wondered the same thing because I personally never wanted a quick bang and leave sort of guy. lol. Some of my guy friends seem like they are great people who don't want just a quicky and I wonder why they are still single. *shrugs*
 
Some people want the thrill of a roller coaster ride.
 
wut Kat said ^^
but i wonder tho?
u know sumtimes i notice nice guys r kinda aloof?
maybe this aloofness is keeping the good girls away
 
Okiedokes said:
I think they are on to something ^^^.. makes sense to me about people not wanting to be in a serious relationship so soon and maybe want the adventerous lifestyle since they're young. I am not a guy but I've wondered the same thing because I personally never wanted a quick bang and leave sort of guy. lol. Some of my guy friends seem like they are great people who don't want just a quicky and I wonder why they are still single. *shrugs*

I could never understand why some people treat relationships like that. I would never get with a girl just to have sex with... That is not a relationship in my opinion and anyway surely it would be so much better with someone you actually want to be close to not just physically but mentally aswell.

Im gunna get all soppy now and say I think relationships should just be so much more than that. If you are with someone you should have a mutual attraction and want to share the world and desire's with the person. But I am a bit of a romantic so I would think that. :p


Chasm said:
wut Kat said ^^
but i wonder tho?
u know sumtimes i notice nice guys r kinda aloof?
maybe this aloofness is keeping the good girls away

I think you are right there if by aloof you mean kind of reserved and distant. I am probably the epitome of that. lol

That ofcourse also applies to alot of females aswell. So in a way that by itself I guess would prevent a relationship developing between people of similar personality in that way. Then there is the fact that these types of people may very well have little or no relationship experience and maybe not good at chatting to the opposite sex let alone showing any kind of interest in the first place.
 
Lol! Do you ever feel it's as though they are trying to protect you or something?

He's so nice... I... I don't want to ruin him. :rolleyes2:

Maybe these women know they are about that drama and are looking to meet their match.


All I know is I feel like I'm dodging bullets left and right out here.
 
jjam said:
Lol! Do you ever feel it's as though they are trying to protect you or something?

He's so nice... I... I don't want to ruin him. :rolleyes2:

Maybe these women know they are about that drama and are looking to meet their match.


All I know is I feel like I'm dodging bullets left and right out here.

Lol I dunno about that. That would be a real shame if any girl thought that. Im being hypocritical in a way though because I consistantly think I am not worthy of, well, any woman im attracted to at all.

Going to be lonely and single for the rest of my life probably.
 
Kat said:
Some people want the thrill of a roller coaster ride.

This is the thing though: why is an emotionally devoid, rather unromantic session of bedroom gymnastics with the local guy-who-sleeps-with-anything popularly considered a "rollercoaster ride"?

To me, that's dull and even a bit boring. That's why I found that sexually charged conversation so tedious.

"Wow, you have poor quality sex with random people all the time. How incredibly exciting. Sigh."

I've been offered random sexual encounters twice in total if memory serves me correctly, but I've declined both times, because it just seems so lame to me, the complete opposite of action packed excitement.

There seems to be this irrational unspoken agreement that a nice guy must only be into long walks in the park, feeding the ducks and being boring.

I find this really curious, because I crave physical intimacy just as much (if not more) than half of the sleep-around guys. I'm shy about talking about it all in public, yes, but that doesn't mean I wouldn't go to town on the right person! There's just as much "rollercoaster potential" there.

On the rare occasion I have flirted in the past, I can make even the rudest of girls blush! I once had a girl with vast expanses more experience than me laughing away and red as a beetroot. So it's not like I don't have that aspect of personality.

I'm just particular about who I let see that side of me through my "niceness". Which, for the girls around me at the moment, seems to confuse them or something because they're so used to guys shamelessly advertising that aspect of themselves at every possible opportunity.

Which is odd, because I've always thought a girl would appreciate someone who's genuine, but can offer that stuff too. Apparently not :(

jjam: Heh, there does seem to be an aspect of that, yeah. Perhaps they're scared friendly people like us will morph into trolls or something if they pay us some attention? :p

Shybuthi: I thought and sometimes think like that too. I'm trying to be realistic now though. In the past I thought that guys who have everything to offer were inferior, now I'm thinking maybe it's because "good guys" offer so much that they're ignored sometimes.
 
It's more like I'm "too nice" or even "too good" for them to consider for a relationship right now, odd as that sounds. They seem to realise I'm a pretty nice guy, perhaps even a good boyfriend, then make a conscious decision to get close-but-not-too-close to me in favour of someone a little more manic and detached.

You seem to be echoing something I've observed over many years, that being women who don't want nice guys for sexual relationships, only bad boys, because nice guys are boring and bad boys are exciting. Nice guys get turned into another of their girlfriends while they keep dating one bad boy after another with less than stellar results to say the least.

I once had a roommate like this, and she would cry on my shoulder all the time about how the men she dated always broke her heart. When I pointed out that there were a lot of nice guys who wanted to date her she replied, "But I don't like those kind of men!"

There are a lot of women out there who go for bad boys every time, and get used and discarded over and over, being treated like disposable toys over and over, and they never seem to figure it out. My working theory is that they don't respect themselves and don't want anyone who will treat them with more respect than they have for themselves. A man who does that will only get their contempt.

 
TrailerTrish said:
It's more like I'm "too nice" or even "too good" for them to consider for a relationship right now, odd as that sounds. They seem to realise I'm a pretty nice guy, perhaps even a good boyfriend, then make a conscious decision to get close-but-not-too-close to me in favour of someone a little more manic and detached.

You seem to be echoing something I've observed over many years, that being women who don't want nice guys for sexual relationships, only bad boys, because nice guys are boring and bad boys are exciting. Nice guys get turned into another of their girlfriends while they keep dating one bad boy after another with less than stellar results to say the least.

I once had a roommate like this, and she would cry on my shoulder all the time about how the men she dated always broke her heart. When I pointed out that there were a lot of nice guys who wanted to date her she replied, "But I don't like those kind of men!"

There are a lot of women out there who go for bad boys every time, and get used and discarded over and over, being treated like disposable toys over and over, and they never seem to figure it out. My working theory is that they don't respect themselves and don't want anyone who will treat them with more respect than they have for themselves. A man who does that will only get their contempt.

Well, as in my post above, I'm afraid I just don't get why being nice is apparently "boring" to these girls. If what you say is true, I'm pretty screwed :p

Perhaps I should start being less-than-subtle and see if that at least makes me more "interesting" to be around?

I really don't want to do that, urgh. It would be interesting as a study for a week or so to see if my being so polite and reserved is what puts girls off me so much though.

I've noticed I seem to get on with the 25-30 year old girls (and guys, actually) here so much more easily than the 19-22 year old girls around me in day-to-day life. I wonder if it's just a thing people grow out of?

Sometimes I get this maddening urge to just let loose with my feelings and start flirting with lots of girls, being risque, entering these rude conversations. But at the same time, I don't feel right doing that.

Urgh. I'm so torn up, I don't even know if it's "right" to be a good person anymore, it's certainly not making me happy at the moment :(

I'm just going to hold onto a strangely poignant comment Peter Lorre gave me one time and hope I get through this feeling that being a nice person is actually wrecking my self-esteem...
 
Sometimes I get this maddening urge to just let loose with my feelings and start flirting with lots of girls, being risque, entering these rude conversations. But at the same time, I don't feel right doing that.

The reason you don't feel right about doing that is that you would be violating your values and basic nature. Don't do it. There is nothing to be gained in doing so other than fleeting attention and unwise involvement with dysfunctional people who operate in socially and sexually unhealthy ways.

As for people growing out of this behavior, some do, eventually, others never do, but in any case trying to emulate them in order to fit into their social and sexual scene is not something you are well suited for, and you would not be the happier for it. They certainly aren't.

What you are seeing is widespread societal dysfunction as a symptom of the social mores in a state of flux. This may not settle down for a very long time. In the meantime it's just something we all have to deal with in our own way, and according to our values.
 
TrailerTrish said:
Sometimes I get this maddening urge to just let loose with my feelings and start flirting with lots of girls, being risque, entering these rude conversations. But at the same time, I don't feel right doing that.

The reason you don't feel right about doing that is that you would be violating your values and basic nature. Don't do it. There is nothing to be gained in doing so other than fleeting attention and unwise involvement with dysfunctional people who operate in socially and sexually unhealthy ways.

As for people growing out of this behavior, some do, eventually, others never do, but in any case trying to emulate them in order to fit into their social and sexual scene is not something you are well suited for, and you would not be the happier for it. They certainly aren't.

What you are seeing is widespread societal dysfunction as a symptom of the social mores in a state of flux. This may not settle down for a very long time. In the meantime it's just something we all have to deal with in our own way, and according to our values.

I'd really love to believe they're not happier than me despite all their talk, I honestly would.

The thing is though, I think they are. They're fulfilled at least, with pretty good self-esteem. My self-esteem is awful and I feel like the only person not focussed on all the stuff they natter about.

For example, I doubt the guy sleeping with one of my crushes casually goes back to his house and has a good, long cry about a girl he's liked for months doing all sorts with random blokes. I did because of that, and I still feel pretty crap about it over a week later.

I have periods of time where I feel fundamentally different to everyone my age, and terrible because of it.

There is perhaps one guy that I met recently with similar attitudes to me, I'm trying to get to know him because I really need a friend at the moment.

You're correct though, I would feel worse for compromising on my morals I think. The only thing now worth considering is whether it's possible to feel worse than I usually do at the moment.

Thank you for the reply, it's something else I can try to hold onto. It's comforting to think that everyone else around me is broken, not me, even if it may not be the truth :)
 
Hey, you are quite welcome, and I know where you are coming from, but I rather doubt those who seem so *fulfilled* really are in the long term. They may be happy for the moment, but that happiness depends on serial conquests and temporary liaisons having no deep roots with anyone. It's a shallow existence.

Also, I can identify with your feeling of being different from everyone else your age, being in that situation myself. To my mind fulfillment is best found in the enduring relationship of a man and a woman in the bonds of intelligent wedlock, having established a home and a family based on solid morals and values... but then I'm just a batty old broad who isn't very hip.

 
Some people want the heart pounding, risky thrill of casual relationships and they want it immediately. Their hormones are influencing them to do it.
 

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