I've fallen in love with my (taken) best friend :(

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INTERPOL

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Hey everyone

I haven't been on this site for quite a few months as I'd finally got over my ex-girlfriend that brought me to this forum in the first place, a few months ago I was completely fine and actually enjoying life for once. But alas I'm back again with another complicated problem :/

I'll try not to write a book while I'm here.

Anyway, I'm a guy and have had a best-friend who's a girl for about 4-5 years. In those years I had felt something towards her but she always had a b/f whenever I wanted to pursue her. She took the back seat though after starting my relationship with my now ex-g/f.

Since then however in the past few months me and my best friend have became closer by ten fold. We're completely comfortable with eachother and could tell eachother anything....almost. But like the years preceding she has a b/f right now of just over a year.

After spending another whole day with her, I finally asked her if she ever though about an "us". And she replied sometimes but that she was happy right now with her b/f and having me as a best friend. I was gutted about the whole thing but respected what she said...until she started prodding me for answers about the whole thing.

She suddenly started talking to me even more than usual, asking me to go do things with her and to come over to her place all the time and similar stuff. I could only come to the conclusion that she must feel something more towards me than just friendship.

Since then till this present day (it's been a few weeks since i told her how i felt) I've always been telling her how I felt when she's asked and she gets down from me telling her that I'm down.

I'm so confused, i get upset about the whole thing, which gets her upset which just makes me more upset, a vicious cycle of pain. Despite all this though she says she loves both me and her boyfriend "equally" which I've diisagreed with her on multiple times.

Bottom line is I don't know what to do, I could continue feeling like honeysuckle everyday remaining her "surrogate b/f" and emotional safety net, or I could tell her that we need to be apart as I can't cope. I've brought up the 2nd option but she says she "refuses" to let me go :( It'd be so hard to avoid her, especially since we are both still in our last year of schooling with over half the term still to go :(

Please give me advice guys :p

Your a saint if you read all that, truly. :) Thanks
 
Just keep being her friend but don't do the "boyfriend" activities anymore. Don't let her know that you are down about it because that just puts pressure on her. They don't likes that dood. The next time she doesn't have a boyfriend try talking to her about it again. Not right away though. Don't save yourself waiting for them to break up either because that might never happen.
 
My default advice to anyone in such a situation would be to try you best get over her and meet someone else. This sounds like it has the potential to get messy with everyone involved being hurt. That's the safe route anyway. Of course with any situation it's really impossible to describe the myriad nuisances that could sway you one way or another, but pursuing this girl just sounds like bad news to me. Good luck man, hope you figure it out.
 
You are only her surrogate boyfriend because you engage her in all these activities. The fact that she is asking you to be that shows that her current boyfriend satisfies her more primal needs, and only those. Women are like that. Of course since you two are not having sex this is seen as a perfectly normal and acceptable practice.

She drew the line in sand so it would fad and have to be redrawn. That generally happens when you bring up your feelings. It is time for you to make that line more concrete. Which means you need to put distance between you and her. One good way is to limit the amount of time you spend with her. I recommend no more than twice a week... and that is a lot. Second do not go over to her place or have her over at yours. Make sure that you two are outside of your houses doing something else. Make sure to cut down on the phone time. If she is calling every day do not answer... do not reject the call, just let it go to voicemail. Answer on occasion but give her no more than 5 minutes. She has rejected you so she is not a priority in your life. You have your own life to live.

Another tactic would be to try to seduce her every time you two have quality alone time in your house or her house. This is pretty simple. Get cuddly with her. Make sure your hands find their way to risky areas. Dim the lights all that kind of cheesy stuff. Put a nice sexual tension in the air. That will either get her to take you as her mate or push you away.

In all reality you need to treat her like she is an ex. How did you get over your ex?
 
RyanEhf said:
My default advice to anyone in such a situation would be to try you best get over her and meet someone else. This sounds like it has the potential to get messy with everyone involved being hurt. That's the safe route anyway. Of course with any situation it's really impossible to describe the myriad nuisances that could sway you one way or another, but pursuing this girl just sounds like bad news to me. Good luck man, hope you figure it out.

I would definitely agree that everyone involved could be hurt. I try to keep myself open to other girls but I tend to not be what they're looking for in a guy and subsequently nothing ever really happens past friendship. It's all very confusing right now but thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it :)

kamya said:
Just keep being her friend but don't do the "boyfriend" activities anymore. Don't let her know that you are down about it because that just puts pressure on her. They don't likes that dood. The next time she doesn't have a boyfriend try talking to her about it again. Not right away though. Don't save yourself waiting for them to break up either because that might never happen.

That's the approach I'd be most comfortable taking but the problem is as soon as I deny doing these "boyfriend activities" with her, she thinks I'm avoiding her (which i guess I would be) and gets upset, then she'll tell me how she doesn't want to lose me and I'll feel like honeysuckle again. Also it leads to awkwardness everytime I see her as I can automatically tell when she isn't happy with me, I hate seeing it. Either way, I'm certainly not letting myself become a rebound, I'm keeping my pride. Thanks for your input, greatly appreciated :)



AFrozenSoul said:
You are only her surrogate boyfriend because you engage her in all these activities. The fact that she is asking you to be that shows that her current boyfriend satisfies her more primal needs, and only those. Women are like that. Of course since you two are not having sex this is seen as a perfectly normal and acceptable practice.

She drew the line in sand so it would fad and have to be redrawn. That generally happens when you bring up your feelings. It is time for you to make that line more concrete. Which means you need to put distance between you and her. One good way is to limit the amount of time you spend with her. I recommend no more than twice a week... and that is a lot. Second do not go over to her place or have her over at yours. Make sure that you two are outside of your houses doing something else. Make sure to cut down on the phone time. If she is calling every day do not answer... do not reject the call, just let it go to voicemail. Answer on occasion but give her no more than 5 minutes. She has rejected you so she is not a priority in your life. You have your own life to live.

Another tactic would be to try to seduce her every time you two have quality alone time in your house or her house. This is pretty simple. Get cuddly with her. Make sure your hands find their way to risky areas. Dim the lights all that kind of cheesy stuff. Put a nice sexual tension in the air. That will either get her to take you as her mate or push you away.

In all reality you need to treat her like she is an ex. How did you get over your ex?

Thanks for these rough guidelines on how often to be in contact with her, they seem to be at a level where she wont ask too many questions about not spending as much time together, as long as I do this gradually of course.

"She has rejected you so she is not a priority in your life. You have your own life to live." - I love this line, it's so blunt yet couldn't be more true, I'm going to keep this to read over when I feel down.

The last time she was over at my place we did get quite cuddly and stuff, I could've even went in for a kiss had I had the courage to do so at some point, but I didn't take the chance. Honestly if someone was to walk in on us at that point, you'd swear we were a couple. She is coming over this weekend and I might just try this, it's sorta a win-win situation. If i do this and she reacts positively then there might be a chance for us, if she pulls away and rejects however, she may realise that we're becoming too close and she might back off.

It took more than a year of being depressed and contemplating suicide once or twice. We were strictly no contact for the 1st ten months which I felt okay during. But when we started talking again all the feelings came flooding back and i felt terrible again. I slowly phased out talking to her over time and I think she eventually got the message, now we only talk in one class I have and I don't feel any urge towards her at all now, even though a part of me will always love her. I guess I should have thought of this sooner for my current situation...

Thank you very much for your helpful advice, I can't tell you how helpful you and all the others have been so far, I think I might try something suttle this weekend if i can build up enough courage and see what happens. It'll probably work out that she rejects me, and in that case i guess I'll start phasing her out.

I'll let you guys know how it all goes this weekend.
 
What about the boyfriend? She's stringing him along or stringing you along. If she's loyal to the guy she's with, of course she will reject you and she should. She's off limits. You're playing with fire.
 
Make sure you are keeping busy too. Just ignoring her and sitting at home doing nothing will make the advice I have given much harder to follow. Keep you mind busy, and your indifference will come off as more natural.

Good luck friend, when I start to lose courage I just remember that I have more to gain than I do to lose. If you feel the mood is right but can't find the courage to go in for that kiss. You can always tease her about it. Tell her you think she is fishing for some making out. If it doesn't make the mood it will kill it. However, that is another way to make her draw lines. You need to go for it though. She might not be sure about your real intentions. It is easy to write off best friends by saying "They just think they love me". Your hand finds its way under her shirt or firmly on her boobs or on or close to her crotch that sends clear signs that you see her in that light. If you get aroused and are in a good position press that against her. Show her you are combining sex and her. Like you said it is win-win. That gets her clothes off and you a new mate or that gets her further away from you.
 
Erm, she has a boyfriend. You're not supposed to be trying to break them up :S

Seems pretty cut and dry, just painful is all.
 
If she said she's happy with her relationship, then that's that for the time being. We all know how relationships come and go though. You have planted the seed in her mind and if she will want to be with you, she will come to you herself. Otherwise, I agree with those saying you need to focus on yourself more and on her less.
 
If you care about her, then ask her what she wants. If she wants your attention, then give her as much as she wants. If that puts an end to her boyfriend, then that was her choice. It is up to both of you. Of course if she has no real interest in you then you will end up hurt, but if you don't try then you won't find out.
 
@Kat - She says she cares about me equally to her b/f which I've said isn't true countless times to her. She is rejecting me but it seems she keeps trying to draw me in. Seems I'm the one being strung along.

@AFrozenSoul - Yea I try to, for example tonight I'm going to a house party, I know it isn't recommended, but getting blind drunk gives me a few hours of not caring about anything which I love the feeling of.
Thanks, I'll certainly send blunt signals to her when she's round but as for getting anywhere near sex that day, I don't see her as the kind of person to go that far without being with someone for quite a while and especially since she\s not with me. I don't think I want to push that much upon her right now anyway. But thanks for your help, it's extremely helpful man :)

@Limlim - I know, but at the end of the day it'll be her decision who she is with, so it'll be her either breaking up a relationship or keeping one safe. Probably wont work out for me but I'm not up for missing an opportunity, regardless of whether it is underhanded or not.

@Happy To Be - I agree with you. I'm just so confused as to how and why she'll spend so much time with me and become so close. She must've thought about this as a possibility at some point or another surely. Either way I'm not up for being a rebound if her relationship ends for any other reason than she wants to be with me.

@Skorian - I have asked her, she saus she wants me in her life and she refuses to let me go, but she loves her b/f also and want him in her life. I try being as close as possible but so far it just ends up getting me more jealous and depressed and that shows, which makes her feel down. I don't know if i want to, or even can, continue this friendship to the intensity it is right now while i feel like this. All it comes to is pain.
 
Sorry, dude it is YOU.

You build attachments when you don't have anything. Stop imagining her as a romantic interest in your head, try to meditate on non-attachment regarding her. What are you going to get out of life by befriending people who you want to be dating? You are just gonna get attached and crushed. Realistically it is probably in your head how great she is, most people are so alike in my experience. Does she help you pay your bills, get to work on time, etc.? Probably not. Really the only thing binding you two is the past interactions which have built comfort, which does count for something, but not much. Given that this comfort was also built with the delusion she is a potential and imagined future girlfriend, perhaps even the comfort is toxic, combined with an inescapable aspect of suffering.

Alot of the people on this forum do this kind of attention seeking, especially on this sub-forum, they don't have something with a person, but they build enough attachment in their heads anyway to be vulnerable, then hurt. Then they come here to seek comfort. I would seriously advise you to explore Tibetan Buddhism, especially their doctrines on non-attachment. Honestly I am a master at non-attachment with other people, because I never felt that one person was unique or special compared to the next.
 
Thrasymachus said:
Sorry, dude it is YOU.

You build attachments when you don't have anything. Stop imagining her as a romantic interest in your head, try to meditate on non-attachment regarding her. What are you going to get out of life by befriending people who you want to be dating? You are just gonna get attached and crushed. Realistically it is probably in your head how great she is, most people are so alike in my experience. Does she help you pay your bills, get to work on time, etc.? Probably not. Really the only thing binding you two is the past interactions which have built comfort, which does count for something, but not much. Given that this comfort was also built with the delusion she is a potential and imagined future girlfriend, perhaps even the comfort is toxic, combined with an inescapable aspect of suffering.

Alot of the people on this forum do this kind of attention seeking, especially on this sub-forum, they don't have something with a person, but they build enough attachment in their heads anyway to be vulnerable, then hurt. Then they come here to seek comfort. I would seriously advise you to explore Tibetan Buddhism, especially their doctrines on non-attachment. Honestly I am a master at non-attachment with other people, because I never felt that one person was unique or special compared to the next.

I would agree with you that this comfort is toxic, I've came to that conclusion these past few weeks.
I wouldn't know the first thing about this kind of meditation and non-attachment.
You advice looking into Tibetan Buddhism, could you link me to somewhere to read up on this please?

Thanks a lot for your input, I appreciate it :)
 
Well the best author to check out for a Westerner in my opinion is Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche. He has already published two books which are excellent. The thing that sets him apart is from a young age, he saw all these noted Western scientists, philosophers, psychologists being taught by his father Tulku Urgyen Rinpoche. He constantly questioned them and maintained relationships with them, seeking to understand Western science from them, so he melds the ancient wisdom of Buddhism with the newest findings of neuro-science regarding the brain. I used to post on the largest Buddhist forum which sadly went down and there was no comparison between that place and here. Alot of time I honestly suspect the advice given here by fellow forumers is so bad because they want other people to populate the loneliness purgatory together with them.

Your situation sounded like it was a lose-lose for you, and a win-win for the girl you pined for. I mean you have nothing, but she has a boyfriend and another guy who admitted her feelings toward her. You seem to have a systematic problem since you mentioned you came to this site before for a girl. If you learn a little more non-attachment it will help in so many different problems. Really most modern Westerners are nasty people, they are too self-centered, shallow, etc. I have long ago observed this, so it is hard for me to get attached to any of them, often enough they don't even help their nuclear family.
 
Sorry I've seemingly left this thread to die lol

MASSIVE UPDATE!

I confessed to her that I loved her and she confessed she loved me too.
For a while she said she was stuck between us.
She came to a decision recently and said she wanted to be with me and subsequently her b/f is now her ex.
She said that the relationship wasn't making her happy as they'd grown somewhat apart. Whether this is the real reason I don't entirely know tbh.
Now that she's single, she says she wants to wait a few weeks until we officially start going out to let her ex accept things more easily and because she wanted time for the dust to settle before going into a new relationship.
So in essence, I've succeeded, and I've never been happier! :)

I want to officially ask her to be with me and to kiss her for the first time at midnight on the 1st of January 2012 to make it feel even more special. :)

Thats where you guys could help haha. It's being face to face with her at that exact moment so this can happen thats the problem. I don't know if I'll be able to pull that off because I imagine she'll have to spend new year in her house with her parents :/ If thats the case then I'm not sure what to do, I don't want to do it over the phone or that :S
 
Well that really really sucks for the other guy. Pretty big blow to his confidence that's for sure. I'll bet he won't be as trusting next time nopes. She was basically cheating the whole time.

Anyways, I'm glad you're happy dood. These kinds of situations are always really sticky. I'm not sure how things are going to actually turn out but just prepare for it not being as perfect as you hoped.
 
kamya said:
Well that really really sucks for the other guy. Pretty big blow to his confidence that's for sure. I'll bet he won't be as trusting next time nopes. She was basically cheating the whole time.

Anyways, I'm glad you're happy dood. These kinds of situations are always really sticky. I'm not sure how things are going to actually turn out but just prepare for it not being as perfect as you hoped.

I know it does suck for him, we do both feel bad to some degree, but I've no excuse, I seen someone and I wanted them and made it happen. I'm selfish but I've never been this happy in ages.

Thanks :)
Yea their very confusing.
Thank you also for your advice :) All of you.

 
INTERPOL said:
Hey everyone

I haven't been on this site for quite a few months as I'd finally got over my ex-girlfriend that brought me to this forum in the first place, a few months ago I was completely fine and actually enjoying life for once. But alas I'm back again with another complicated problem :/

I'll try not to write a book while I'm here.

Anyway, I'm a guy and have had a best-friend who's a girl for about 4-5 years. In those years I had felt something towards her but she always had a b/f whenever I wanted to pursue her. She took the back seat though after starting my relationship with my now ex-g/f.

Since then however in the past few months me and my best friend have became closer by ten fold. We're completely comfortable with eachother and could tell eachother anything....almost. But like the years preceding she has a b/f right now of just over a year.

After spending another whole day with her, I finally asked her if she ever though about an "us". And she replied sometimes but that she was happy right now with her b/f and having me as a best friend. I was gutted about the whole thing but respected what she said...until she started prodding me for answers about the whole thing.

She suddenly started talking to me even more than usual, asking me to go do things with her and to come over to her place all the time and similar stuff. I could only come to the conclusion that she must feel something more towards me than just friendship.

Since then till this present day (it's been a few weeks since i told her how i felt) I've always been telling her how I felt when she's asked and she gets down from me telling her that I'm down.

I'm so confused, i get upset about the whole thing, which gets her upset which just makes me more upset, a vicious cycle of pain. Despite all this though she says she loves both me and her boyfriend "equally" which I've diisagreed with her on multiple times.

Bottom line is I don't know what to do, I could continue feeling like honeysuckle everyday remaining her "surrogate b/f" and emotional safety net, or I could tell her that we need to be apart as I can't cope. I've brought up the 2nd option but she says she "refuses" to let me go :(  It'd be so hard to avoid her, especially since we are both still in our last year of schooling with over half the term still to go :(

Please give me advice guys :p

Your a saint if you read all that, truly. :) Thanks


Hey dude I'm in a similar situation as you now...I just want to know how it all turned out 6 years down the road? Did you marry the girl of your dreams?
 
INTERPOL said:
Hey everyone

I haven't been on this site for quite a few months as I'd finally got over my ex-girlfriend that brought me to this forum in the first place, a few months ago I was completely fine and actually enjoying life for once. But alas I'm back again with another complicated problem :/

I'll try not to write a book while I'm here.

Anyway, I'm a guy and have had a best-friend who's a girl for about 4-5 years. In those years I had felt something towards her but she always had a b/f whenever I wanted to pursue her. She took the back seat though after starting my relationship with my now ex-g/f.

Since then however in the past few months me and my best friend have became closer by ten fold. We're completely comfortable with eachother and could tell eachother anything....almost. But like the years preceding she has a b/f right now of just over a year.

After spending another whole day with her, I finally asked her if she ever though about an "us". And she replied sometimes but that she was happy right now with her b/f and having me as a best friend. I was gutted about the whole thing but respected what she said...until she started prodding me for answers about the whole thing.

She suddenly started talking to me even more than usual, asking me to go do things with her and to come over to her place all the time and similar stuff. I could only come to the conclusion that she must feel something more towards me than just friendship.

Since then till this present day (it's been a few weeks since i told her how i felt) I've always been telling her how I felt when she's asked and she gets down from me telling her that I'm down.

I'm so confused, i get upset about the whole thing, which gets her upset which just makes me more upset, a vicious cycle of pain. Despite all this though she says she loves both me and her boyfriend "equally" which I've diisagreed with her on multiple times.

Bottom line is I don't know what to do, I could continue feeling like honeysuckle everyday remaining her "surrogate b/f" and emotional safety net, or I could tell her that we need to be apart as I can't cope. I've brought up the 2nd option but she says she "refuses" to let me go :(  It'd be so hard to avoid her, especially since we are both still in our last year of schooling with over half the term still to go :(

Please give me advice guys :p

Your a saint if you read all that, truly. :) Thanks

Hi Interpol.
Look, I'm no Dr. Ruth, but real friendship is rare, yes?  If you find someone, man or woman who wants to share their heart
with you in the bonds of loving friendship, I'm going to hold on to that no matter what. It's just too rare a gift to walk away
from.  Can it get complicated when it's a woman? Yes.  Only you and her can decide the parameters of your friendship. Personally, the female friends I have had (as friends), I would never have sex with them no matter how I felt in that area.
I have many to this day, but only two that are close friends like yours.  I love them and they love me --- of course each person decides how they want to proceed.  Count the cost.   Loving friendships are like a 1962 Corvair these days.   Don't be quick to dispose of it, my friend.
 

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