And now I'm running out of money. I've been seeing different escorts every week for the last 5 months. At first when I started, it felt really good because I was finally having sex. But now, I'm in despair and really a wreck.
Every time I would have sex with an escort, the feelings of loneliness and sexual frustration would go away for a week. During that week, it would feel like I don't even need a girl in my life because I'm satisfied sexually and thus love and a relationship don't matter. I felt like a man who is just satisfied with sex and nothing else. The neediness would go away. That's why I did it. It was working and for the first time in my life I had a consistant feeling of well being, happiness, satisfaction, and this allowed me to focus on being social, working, and on my hobbies.
But I always knew it would be temporary because I can't sustain this lifestyle financially. Plus, I was always worried of getting an STD. Thus I decided I would stop back in June. But every time I tried to stop, that neediness and sexual frustration would come back, and I would get really horny, and then I would call an escort. Now it's November and I HAVE to stop because I'm literally running out of savings.
I don't know what to do. I have to masterbate 3 times a day so that I can concentrate on something and stop thinking about sex and women, and even then its hard. What's worse is that it's not just sexual frustration; full-blown pangings for intimacy, companionship, love, and a relationship from a girl are also killing me.
Why don't I just get a girlfriend? For one, I am unemployed right now (makes financial matters much worse). Two, I was very religious in highschool and college and thus avoided girls and so now I have very little game. I'm agnostic now, but because of my religious conditioning, it's really hard for me to "seduce" a girl. When it comes to the topic of relationships, my head is a total jumble. Sometimes I think I should just get an arranged marriage with a totally hot girl from a third world country so that I can just have somebody to consistently fresia. Othertimes, I have a strong urge to meet someone who could be my soulmate. I go from extreme to extreme in my thinking. I also at times feel very unattractive -- though people often say I am handsome I'm only 5'7 and I'm pretty laid back and not assertive. I constantly fear I will never sexually attract a girl that I find attractive. It's a very painful fear and makes the whole dating thing a thousand times harder.
I see a therapist for all this and it's helping but not as much as I hoped. I've also read many self-help books and dating books. They've helped me cope but the problem remains unsolved. I fear I may be falling into depression because of all this plus my unemployment. I've been trying to apply to graduate school and deadlines for that are very soon but I just can't focus. I'm constantly thinking about how I will never get laid and never find someone to love me and how I'm going to be sexually frustrated and thus I'll never be able to achieve my career goals either. The thing is, I'm a really intelligent person and have a lot of goals in life and I try really hard at things -- It's just this whole problem is killing me and sapping my life force and I don't know when it's ever going to end.
Before I started seeing escorts regularly, I was in love with this girl who is a "good girl" -- very religious and sweet and similar to me in a lot of ways. I would have dreams about her every week. I started to talk to her and at the same time read a lot of books about winning a girl's heart so I would know how to court her. I felt like maybe she liked me too but in the end it was unrequited love and my heart just broke and died. I lost my religious faith. I became bitter and angry. I had some money in the bank, and so ******* really hot escorts was the only way I could feel good about myself and in control of my world. But now that has to end, and I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm totally and utterly lost.
Thank you for reading this overly long post and for whatever kindness you can give me.
Every time I would have sex with an escort, the feelings of loneliness and sexual frustration would go away for a week. During that week, it would feel like I don't even need a girl in my life because I'm satisfied sexually and thus love and a relationship don't matter. I felt like a man who is just satisfied with sex and nothing else. The neediness would go away. That's why I did it. It was working and for the first time in my life I had a consistant feeling of well being, happiness, satisfaction, and this allowed me to focus on being social, working, and on my hobbies.
But I always knew it would be temporary because I can't sustain this lifestyle financially. Plus, I was always worried of getting an STD. Thus I decided I would stop back in June. But every time I tried to stop, that neediness and sexual frustration would come back, and I would get really horny, and then I would call an escort. Now it's November and I HAVE to stop because I'm literally running out of savings.
I don't know what to do. I have to masterbate 3 times a day so that I can concentrate on something and stop thinking about sex and women, and even then its hard. What's worse is that it's not just sexual frustration; full-blown pangings for intimacy, companionship, love, and a relationship from a girl are also killing me.
Why don't I just get a girlfriend? For one, I am unemployed right now (makes financial matters much worse). Two, I was very religious in highschool and college and thus avoided girls and so now I have very little game. I'm agnostic now, but because of my religious conditioning, it's really hard for me to "seduce" a girl. When it comes to the topic of relationships, my head is a total jumble. Sometimes I think I should just get an arranged marriage with a totally hot girl from a third world country so that I can just have somebody to consistently fresia. Othertimes, I have a strong urge to meet someone who could be my soulmate. I go from extreme to extreme in my thinking. I also at times feel very unattractive -- though people often say I am handsome I'm only 5'7 and I'm pretty laid back and not assertive. I constantly fear I will never sexually attract a girl that I find attractive. It's a very painful fear and makes the whole dating thing a thousand times harder.
I see a therapist for all this and it's helping but not as much as I hoped. I've also read many self-help books and dating books. They've helped me cope but the problem remains unsolved. I fear I may be falling into depression because of all this plus my unemployment. I've been trying to apply to graduate school and deadlines for that are very soon but I just can't focus. I'm constantly thinking about how I will never get laid and never find someone to love me and how I'm going to be sexually frustrated and thus I'll never be able to achieve my career goals either. The thing is, I'm a really intelligent person and have a lot of goals in life and I try really hard at things -- It's just this whole problem is killing me and sapping my life force and I don't know when it's ever going to end.
Before I started seeing escorts regularly, I was in love with this girl who is a "good girl" -- very religious and sweet and similar to me in a lot of ways. I would have dreams about her every week. I started to talk to her and at the same time read a lot of books about winning a girl's heart so I would know how to court her. I felt like maybe she liked me too but in the end it was unrequited love and my heart just broke and died. I lost my religious faith. I became bitter and angry. I had some money in the bank, and so ******* really hot escorts was the only way I could feel good about myself and in control of my world. But now that has to end, and I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm totally and utterly lost.
Thank you for reading this overly long post and for whatever kindness you can give me.
