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TrailerTrish

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Perhaps we have all known people who cannot be a friend or supportive at all when we are hurting bad, going through a very rough time, and continuous misfortune and hardship at the hands of others, but I'm pretty sure they should not be members of our own families, and especially not our parents.

I didn't meet my real father until I was 35, and when I did I had a successful career in IT, and was making very good money. Dad was very impressed with this and as long as I was upbeat and happy everything was just grand between us. However, over time I saw that any time I was feeling sad, or was hurting over anything he would distance me as fast as he could, or worse, would put me down for it and snap me off quite brutally.

Well in 2005 my position was outsourced, and after that I lost everything I had worked 25 years for, plunging into poverty and hardship while at the same time thieves posing as my friends ripped me off for everything they could, betrayed and abandoned me having gotten what they wanted from me.

Over the last 7 years I've been through a great deal of hardship in grinding poverty, in the worst job market since the great depression, and because of that my dear old Dad has recently just written me off as a loser he wants nothing more to do with. He did this just before I finally got a good job for good money with a lot of opportunity for advancement with a good company.

Well Dad has always been a hard-ass tough guy, born in the 1930's, and he sees anyone in emotional pain as weak and contemptible. To Dad there is no excuse for not being successful and having a good job, no matter the facts, the economy, the job market, there's no excuse, and you are just lazy and not trying if you are out of work. Dad cuts no slack at all, not even the least bit.

What he did was send me a book all about how f*cked up I am and how he thinks I should fix myself, writing in the front leaf of it how he's all done with me after he's supported me emotionally all these years (!!!!) and to read the book. It's some book about how to succeed in big business. Yeah right Dad, you failed at every business you ever got into!

The fact is that my Dad cannot handle the emotions of those close to him because he's just too selfish to give anything of himself in that way, and has always been a fair-weather father in that regard. I guess I shouldn't have expected any more from him after he left us when I was 4 and never paid child support or had any contact with us at all until we looked him up.

At this point I'm really quite indifferent about ever speaking to him again.



 
n who could blame u?
imho it was evn "big" of u 2 allow him in2 ur life @35!!!
in the 1st place
in life?
iv found that ppl who r losers themselves?
oftn ENJOY puttng that label on othrs
maybe u should buy HIM a book>>
"how 2 b a father"?
n put sumthng "nice" on the front leaflet 4 him 2
:p


sry u had 2 go thru all u did tho
n totally rel8 2 the economy thing
its killng me 2
 
Thanks for the validation Chasm, and it's been really hard for me the last 7 years, but things are looking up now because I never gave up. The upshot is that I now live with a guy Dad went to high school with, and has a low opinion of also. He gave me a place to live when I was down and had nowhere else to go, and I take care of him because he's 78 and in bad health, so it works out really well. Doug and I get along marvelously, and he's been better to me than my own father, so I'm sticking it out here with him and taking care of him for as long as he has left in the world.

If my Dad emails me again I'll just bounce it back at him as undelivered.
 
so glad thngs r lookng up 4u
isnt it ironic that sumtimes>>
othrs r kindr 2 us than our own parents
the ppl who brought us in2 the world
good of u 2 GIVE sumthng back tho
u sound like a good soul
sum ppl would just TAKE from the man
:rolleyes:
 
What kind of man leaves behind his son, not even bother talking to him for 35 years. Show up when his son is doing fine, leave again as soon as that son could actually use his presence and on top of that has the guts to call his son a loser (psychological projection anyone?)

I don't know the whole story, but from what I have read; your dad sounds like an utter dick who is not worth the effort. Delusional person who did not make it in life the way he imagined he would and is now working it out on you.
 
Polar said:
What kind of man leaves behind his son, not even bother talking to him for 35 years. Show up when his son is doing fine, leave again as soon as that son could actually use his presence and on top of that has the guts to call his son a loser (psychological projection anyone?)

I don't know the whole story, but from what I have read; your dad sounds like an utter dick who is not worth the effort. Delusional person who did not make it in life the way he imagined he would and is now working it out on you.

Well I'm not his son, I'm his daughter. Yes, I agree with you, and he's also a major control-freak who thinks he has the right to run my life for me, lecturing me angrily on everything and getting all pissed off when I tell him why his ideas won't work for me in my situation.

For some background, he's been retired in Oaxaca Mexico for the last 15 years, and thinks he knows all about getting work here in Florida in this economy, and that if I don't do exactly as he tells me I'm just a stupid loser who wants to be a failure. He lectures me on how back in the 1950's he would just go out and make a job for himself, and the things he did then you would be fined for now because they aren't legal anymore. You can't tell him that, he just goes off on another rant.

Well he's failed at every business he ever went into, and now he lives on social security in Mexico, so I don't know what qualifies him to run my life. I think you nailed it there, he's taking out his failures in life on me, and I've had all that I'm going to take.

 
Sorry for that huh. I guess I should've checked your gender before making that post. Guess I went with general prejudice about the common gender of IT'ers.

But my point remains for the rest.. I prefer to be careful when talking about family situations which I never know the full deal with, but imo yeah it sounds like just letting him go is the right thing. I'm not sure if underneath all that contempt there's still love for each other, but if I'm being optimistic here something tells me he'll eventually see his own mistakes and realize the joke was on him for having given up on a wonderful daughter. He'll probably realize it too late, but that's his loss more than it is yours..
 
Well Polar, that's my attitude at this point, it's his loss. I've talked to lots of people here who have been out of work for months and ready to give up hope, but dear old Dad doesn't care, there's no excuse for me and he writes me off for that, just before I get a really great job for excellent pay. His mistake because of his control-freaking arrogance. I've not told him about the job, but I did tell two of his friends down there in Oaxaca, so I know he'll hear about it. I don't expect to hear from him again anyway, and I'm fine with that. If he wants to be a hard-ass with me then best of luck to him elsewhere. It's his decision.
 
It sounds like he is a horribly toxic influence in your life. From everything you've said here it sounds like creating a lot of space between you and him (even removing him from your life completely) could be for the best. As for the lecturing thing, when men lecture me I walk away or hang up. It's a pet peeve of mine and I cannot tolerate it.
 
roguewave said:
It sounds like he is a horribly toxic influence in your life. From everything you've said here it sounds like creating a lot of space between you and him (even removing him from your life completely) could be for the best. As for the lecturing thing, when men lecture me I walk away or hang up. It's a pet peeve of mine and I cannot tolerate it.

Removing people from my life is something I've become an old hand at in dealing with the multi-generational train wreck that is my family. Dad was the last of them. I'm so totally with you on the lecturing bit. Guys who do that are just power-tripping ******** I've no use for at all. They need someone to talk down to and boss around so they can feel better about what losers they really are, if only for a little while.
 
Women do it too. Especially my matriarchal grandmother and my mother who cannot concieve of me doing anything else other than college.
 
I've never been lectured by a woman...or maybe I have but I didn't realize I was being lectured hah!
 
Polar said:
Sorry for that huh. I guess I should've checked your gender before making that post. Guess I went with general prejudice about the common gender of IT'ers.

But my point remains for the rest.. I prefer to be careful when talking about family situations which I never know the full deal with, but imo yeah it sounds like just letting him go is the right thing. I'm not sure if underneath all that contempt there's still love for each other, but if I'm being optimistic here something tells me he'll eventually see his own mistakes and realize the joke was on him for having given up on a wonderful daughter. He'll probably realize it too late, but that's his loss more than it is yours..
is this where i mention that over 80% of the ppl in my IT program r female?
:D


yep
women lecture 2
usually hiss WHILE theyre lecturng?
but yep
lecture
:rolleyes:
i especially like the 50s comparisons
LoL
y can a lot of ppl nt accept that the world CHANGES???
 
Being_A_Great_Dad_For_Dummies.gif


I think you should send him this book.
 
Just to be clear, I didn't mean to imply that only men do the lecturing, I've known women who were even worse with that bit than the men I've known, like my psychotic boss back in Alabama.
 
I don't blame you Trish, and it sounds like you've found more of a father figure in your dad's friend who was there for you. That is what a parent should do, and with you taking care of him in his poor health is what a child should do. That's how a family should be.

And LOL @ the dummies book.
 
Sounds like the problem is something with him, not yourself. Some people are just the way they are, and to everyone.
 

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