I've been Through So Much honeysuckle these Past few years...

I was sitting in math class having feelings of despair.

I think I truely am sick of my parents telling me I have to go to college. I don't like college. I've never liked college. Every semester I tell them I want to drop out. I am not listened to. I go back every semester. I have suicidal ideations. I've gone through half hearted suicide attempts in semesters past. Half of these things my parents don't realize. I have told them about my suicidal ideations but my mom just mocks me saying "so when you get a bad grade you think about killing yourself." Like I am being weak or something. Well mom if you had read the suicide letters I wrote to the family and then burned...(but I can't tell you, because you wouldn't understand)

but I can't tell anyone about how I feel. I keep it inside because I realize that most people do not understand the pain, how to address it and also they just don't want to hear about it.

This is totally not normal for someone to go through when in college I think. It's not normal to put rocks in a pair of pants to help you drown better, it's not normal to have to talk yourself out of an SSRI overdose while you are already drunk, it's not normal to tie a noose up in an electric cord, and then go around at night and look for a good fuckin' tree, it's not normal to go out to the end of your dock and look down into the water contemplating how you cannot swim, and then trying to run off the edge of the dock and then stopping at the last moment realizing you can't do it, it's not normal to get on a train wanting to find a hardware store nearby with some rope, and then having to (alone) talk yourself out of it and go buy a book on depression instead.

I never talk about those memories. Until now. They hurt, a lot, i am crying right now just typing them.

I wish I could just get a retail job at a movie theatre. Why must I go to college where I am put through so much emotional pain? I just don't get it. I've taken a year off. I've gone to therapy. I've gotten on meds. I've tried to set a routine up.

I just want a fuckin' retail job at a movie theatre or to be a cashier.

I know I am intelligent. I don't need anyone to tell me this. Intelligence is not enough though. There's just something within me that just falls and breaks. I can't handle stress. I can't handle schedules.

I see myself as someone that is going to have to struggle and struggle and struggle if she will ge through college at all. My parents just won't accept that I am average and ordinary (which I am).

I want to feel more in control of my life.

I am not actively having suicidal thoughts at the moment. It's just, i am having feelings of despair with finals approaching.

I am going to try to concentrate on the party I will have when college is over with. That's a happy thing to think about. I am also going to try to make a list of the things I need to do this week and next.

Wish me luck. Sorry for the woe is me crap. It's just hard keeping it all inside sometimes.

First off, I want to stress how brave you are for expressing those feelings.

I think we as human beings all feel worthless at some point in our lives, though the levels are different.
I wish I knew how to take your pain away, I really do.

From everything we've ever talked about, you seem like a nice person Soph.
The best advice I can honestly give you is to just keep fighting.
Its really annoying, but sometimes its all we can do.

My heart really goes out to you, its never a good thing to feel that way.
I just wish I knew how to make it all better for you.
Just know that within this wonderful site is a plethora of people who genuinely care for you.

While the world may not care or understand you, you have like minded people here that are willing to take the time to sit down and listen and wipe away your tears.
I hope some day we can all wipe away your fears as well!

(hug) Take care Soph! I really wish you the best!

I am really weepy right now. I just cried, reading your response. ._.

Thank you.

well actually if you feel youre so stuck in something that asks way more of you than you can give at the moment than its pretty normal to start looking for a way out.
if the onely thing you feel you can do is killing yourself than its pretty obviouse youve pushed way to far for something that maybe you shouldnt, and like you say, dont want to be doing.
i think your a pretty stong person, i wouldnt really call you average or ordinary.
im sure you can finish this college thing if you really want to.
but its not worth kiling yourself over or even thinking about it for that mather.
its just school.
noting wrong with a retail job either, especially not if it makes you happy.
but im shure youll do fine and if letting it all out helps than go for it
I wish you luck Soph.

Awe don't cry

What Dark Poet said is so true.

Hey a job at a movie theater sounds like a good idea, especially if you get to run the projector, then you can sit and watch the movie for free. You should just apply at a theater or wherever you want. Who says you can't have a job while going to school. It's too bad your parents don't better understand how you feel though. Sometimes they can be the most difficult ones to open their eyes.

*hugs* I'm sorry about things. I do think that sometimes we just need to take a break and recover, find ourselves...and especially go along in life by our plan, not the plan of someone else's.

Hi Soph, is there someone in your life you could go to for help and support, someone who could talk to or write to your parents and try to make them not force you to continue at college? Maybe a lecturer or cousellor, someone 'official' who they might listen to?
I feel so upset and angry on your behalf, that your feelings and needs are being so ignored. How many years do you have left at college?

I don't understand how parents sometimes just don't see what's going on in front of them and realize that you aren't happy. To take it seriously. Especially when it's so hard to admit in the first place.. it is a huge step to even tell them. Honestly that's brave that you told them all in itself. If college is this rough on you, I hope that somehow they will take you seriously and let you do what you want with YOUR life. Let me also add that I'm glad you never did any of those things to yourself and I hope it will never get that bad again. *hug*

*latches on*
[video=youtube]

Sophia, we care about you.

I feel you, it's hard, it's horrible; the pain is excruciating. You must do what you think is right concerning your parents and school. I'm glad your still alive, we all are, and believe it or not, your parents are too.

Good luck on your finals too.

*hug*

Such sadness is things are not for a Sophster :/

You must do the happiness of a Sophster.

Sounds like there is not enough doing what will make a Sophie happy and too much of what will make others happy of a Sophie.

You are strong, and your path is your own!

*huggles*

I really should explain that my parents *do* care about me, or at least my mom does, they just don't know the extent of what i've been through emotionally, and might never know because I don't expect them to understand. It's just not something you share with your parents without them feeling all sorts of awful and or taking away what little freedom you have and watching you all the time. My mom has been better about keeping contact with me this semester and coming to see me. So I am happy about that, i still hate college though.

It's anguish trying to hide these thoughts (of hopelessness) and my suicidal ideation from others because they wouldn't know what to do with them. Sometimes it crushes me emotionally trying to hide these things and hide from the judgements of others, due to these things. It makes me feel like I can't be myself. Instead I smile, ask how the person is, or i walk right by them not looking at them. The whole college thing has made me hate society in general just because it seems as though you are respected more by people in general if you go to college, and looked down upon if you aren't.

I've not been able to explain how I felt in therapy either. I remember once asking my therapist why i had suicidal thoughts, and she said it was a sign of my stress level, but that explanation doesn't satisfy me. Lots of people get stressed, not all of them think about suicide when they get stressed. It just doesn't make sense to me.

I haven't had to stop myself from suicidal actions this semester so I suppose that is good. I think my prozac has helped somewhat with that even though i still get suicidal ideation and have a plan all worked out. I just haven't been doing actions to try to carry out the plan like semesters past.

I should also explain that I am unemancipated, which means legally I am still considered a minor, which allows me to get money for college and such. I also have no car. I feel as though I have very little control over my life, as if it has been decided by others what I should do, though I understand in their way that they do this because they worry about my future and want me to have a good one. I just wish i didn't have to feel so much emotional pain.

I don't know why i say they, my father doesn't care about me at all and never has.

I think part of the suicidal thought comes from this line of thinking "If i have this sort of trouble in school, i am probably going to have this sort of trouble in jobs, and in life in general if I can't deal with it...and this leads to wondering why to bother." Someone could tell me to toughen up, but I am tired of trying that and it would only make me feel weak and ineffectual if someone did tell me that.

I am tired of hopeful positives thrown my way by other people, beceause I once believed in them. Hopeful positive messages are not what they seem. Nothing is easy, nothing worth having anyway. So stop lying to me, all you positive people. No more platitudes. I am not you, so stop treating me as though I were you.

I am tired. Going to go finish cleaning my room now. One thing at a time, while I still have the energy.

This is the real me. Hello everyone.

Soph, I bet your parents know what you're going through. I believe that they share your pain deeper than you can imagine. If I were them, I'd push you to finish this college as well. You can make it. It's only couple more years, which doesn't seem long, when thinking how hard your life has been for the past twenty years. You can later hide your diploma, have your retail job or whatever. Adding another reason to feel like a failure certainly won't help.

If you think you don't need it, or that it cost you too much or that you'd rather do something different, it's fair. However, until you are not convinced that there are significantly better choices than giving up, it's better to keep going. Thinking of suicide reminds me of reaching the very bottom of sorrow. If there is nothing more to lose, there is something to gain.

Taking radical decisions in the moments like this, when things are distorted by pain and emotions, and when there seems to be no other options, can bring sort of relief, but it's a patch only, not a real solution. Just wait for better times, when you feel like being in control over your life. Then, your decision will give you lasting satisfaction.

I almost dropped university for similar reasons. I don't think that I need my degree after all, but it's a kind of achievement to remember when I feel like crap, which happens more than often. I've also never managed to get rid off my suicidal thoughts, but I don't want anyone to feel guilty or feel pity for me. I'd like to leave only when I feel happy and I'm regarded as happy, when I know that it's my own choice and I'm not driven by bad emotions. So, maybe never.

Good luck, good Soph!

..

Since you asked, I won't throw you any hopeful positive messages. I'll just send you a hug and secretely hope that you'll feel better one day, as I do for myself. Life sucks sometimes, it's as simple as that.

Equinox said:

Since you asked, I won't throw you any hopeful positive messages. I'll just send you a hug and secretely hope that you'll feel better one day, as I do for myself. Life sucks sometimes, it's as simple as that.

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Thanks. I want to feel better someday too. I want you to feel better as well and i mean that genuinely. No one should ever have to suffer the profound sadness (it's not even comparable to sadness probably) that is depression. It's an abomination unto emotional rights that I think humans should have (the right to feel okay about life, and not suffer unduly emotionally or mentally). I know you say that life sucks sometimes and maybe it does, but I still don't like to see other people suffer. I don't like the thought that the mind can transform into a place of internal torture that wouldn't be allowed if imposed externally to that person to get the same results.

I want other people to care about what I am going through, instead of treating me as though I'm a bad person for feeling this way, or ignoring it, or minimizing it, or telling me I am not getting better because I won't do what they think I should. It hurts, a lot, there's no other way I have felt these last few years. I wouldn't wish what I have gone through on a dog, let alone another human being.

I think there are a lot of doctors (psychologists) out there that are only trained to work with those that are acutely suicidal. Like, "Right now, I am going to kill myself" kinda suicidal (crisis intervention). But what if you aren't like that? Like I seem to be, more like, a constant thread of suicidal ideations and plans, without the acuteness, but involving mass amounts of almost intollerable emotional pain. That's like being dead while still living. What could get worse than that psychologically and emotionally? I don't know.

I want validation that these feelings really are bad, and that I am right in my estimation that this isn't normal and isn't something that anyone should have to go through, much let alone consistently and that I don't have to go through this alone, that others care and don't want me to be in pain as well.


I don't want to be in this pain, and when I am not in this pain, the memory of it scares me. It's like some nightmare that i've had, which I might have again. I wish there was someone out there that was trained in how to help what I seem to be going through.


Now I am off to take a shower.

I was surprised at the familiarity of your words about finishing college and having doubts of a stable and independent life. It's good that you're keeping determined and positive thoughts of the future, I'd stick with that. Find the path you think suits you best in life and go for it, especially if it's something you know you will gain happiness from. Careers don't necessarily have to be a showcase of our intelligence, as long as you retain your knowledge and put it to an effective and beneficial use, you will do fine.

There is only one right way to do something, and that's your way. I know how some of the things parents put our heads can get in the way of feeling sure about ourselves. I'm sure that even if your parents might not understand you, they will love you unconditionally and give you their full support to see you happy.

I struggled wanting to drop out college as well. I ended up dropping out, my degree is not necesary anyway. My decision is to continue my studies in other places until I feel I'm ready. I used to feel bad being 25 and still living with my mom but it's the path I must follow... It's my destiny... Being who I am is the only thing I have and I can only be myself following my own way, my visions, my dreams... I know I'm weird, I want that weirdness to be worth...

So I don't feel bad anymore about that. My parents luckly are understanding... unlike yours. So probably you will have to find a way to make them understand. I did tharapy w/ my dad once. It made me feel great in mid term. I got things out on my chest. I yelled my frustration, and we moved on to a better happier relationship from which I can benefit. It was surprisingly helpful, and of course hard.

it occurs to me that I really really need support right now. I have two weeks left of school and a lot of work to do to finish. It would mean so much to me if for the rest of this week and next week that people would respond to the posts I make about my progress with homework and how I feel.

I really need to feel like people are listening to me and not judging me and caring about what I am going through. Obviously I have chosen to try to do my projects one step at a time.

Help me by caring about me for these next few weeks? Please? I don't know if I am asking a lot or not, if I am, i'm sorry, if not, well...idk.

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DreamerDeceiver said:

I was surprised at the familiarity of your words about finishing college and having doubts of a stable and independent life.

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I think it's normal to fear the future, but idk if it is normal to have gone through what i've gone through so far in college. Thank you for your response.

*hug*