Possibly shallow. Any way to fix that?

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neo651

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This is a long story.

I have a friend. A best friend to be a little more precise. But I call her that for lack of a better term. We met my junior year in high school and I've known her for 10 years now. We're deeply connected on a level that still blows me away. I know her better than anyone and she knows me better than anyone. The problem is that I'm a man and she's in love with me.

At the time this was great news. I felt so lucky. I could immediately see myself marrying her and starting a family and living the dream of a lifelong partner who was also my best friend. So we tried it out and I quickly ran into a problem.

I love her deeply. No matter how much time we spend together I want to spend more. No matter how much we talk, I want to keep talking. When I'm with her I feel like anything is possible because we can do it together. She's kind, supportive, brutally honest and highly intelligent. But she's overweight and I find that I have no physical attraction to her.

I'd like to think I'm not a shallow guy but I can't look at a problem like this and not question myself. I've dated girls with a little meat on their bones before and I had no shortage of attraction to them. But with her I kept finding that the physical intimacy was forced and when it came to actual sex I'm ashamed to admit that I had to imagine someone else to be able to actually do it. (For the record she's 4'11" tall and weighs 160lbs).

Now I know that with any relationship issue it's always best to talk about it. I also know that I can avoid the "I don't find you attractive" conversation by talking to her about losing weight for the sake of her health but that's not necessarily an option in this situation due to a set of other health issues.

She has hypothyroidism, a heart condition and is a former anorexic. During recovery for her anorexia she was, of course, encouraged to gain weight. She was also placed on anti-depressants which caused her to gain more weight. It was during this time they discovered her hypothyroidism. This condition would make it nearly impossible for her to lose the, now excess, weight that she'd gained. When she was placed on hormone replacement therapy she started having severe heart palpitations and had to be taken off of the hormones. So in summation, she's probably not going to ever be able to lose the weight.

She's the love of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I love everything about her except for this and I just don't see how we can have a solid relationship without any kind of sex life. I can't continue to force myself to have sex with her but I also don't think I can learn to find her attractive either. What do I do?
 
You're not shallow. Sex is shallow. Love is far deeper than sex. If she truly loves you, and you her, then sex is not needed. The title (husband & wife) is not needed. Continue to be best friends for life. Find someone else who can be a great friend and someone you're comfortable with being romantic with, if that is what you desire.

I'm very sorry for you and her. If not you, perhaps there is someone else out here for her. Finding him might be tough or even seem impossible, but it's better that the both of you continue your searches than to settle.
 
neo651 said:
This is a long story.

I have a friend. A best friend to be a little more precise. But I call her that for lack of a better term. We met my junior year in high school and I've known her for 10 years now. We're deeply connected on a level that still blows me away. I know her better than anyone and she knows me better than anyone. The problem is that I'm a man and she's in love with me.

At the time this was great news. I felt so lucky. I could immediately see myself marrying her and starting a family and living the dream of a lifelong partner who was also my best friend. So we tried it out and I quickly ran into a problem.

I love her deeply. No matter how much time we spend together I want to spend more. No matter how much we talk, I want to keep talking. When I'm with her I feel like anything is possible because we can do it together. She's kind, supportive, brutally honest and highly intelligent. But she's overweight and I find that I have no physical attraction to her.

I'd like to think I'm not a shallow guy but I can't look at a problem like this and not question myself. I've dated girls with a little meat on their bones before and I had no shortage of attraction to them. But with her I kept finding that the physical intimacy was forced and when it came to actual sex I'm ashamed to admit that I had to imagine someone else to be able to actually do it. (For the record she's 4'11" tall and weighs 160lbs).

Now I know that with any relationship issue it's always best to talk about it. I also know that I can avoid the "I don't find you attractive" conversation by talking to her about losing weight for the sake of her health but that's not necessarily an option in this situation due to a set of other health issues.

She has hypothyroidism, a heart condition and is a former anorexic. During recovery for her anorexia she was, of course, encouraged to gain weight. She was also placed on anti-depressants which caused her to gain more weight. It was during this time they discovered her hypothyroidism. This condition would make it nearly impossible for her to lose the, now excess, weight that she'd gained. When she was placed on hormone replacement therapy she started having severe heart palpitations and had to be taken off of the hormones. So in summation, she's probably not going to ever be able to lose the weight.

She's the love of my life. I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I love everything about her except for this and I just don't see how we can have a solid relationship without any kind of sex life. I can't continue to force myself to have sex with her but I also don't think I can learn to find her attractive either. What do I do?
Try a Human Growth and Development Psychology course to get a better understanding of the way people think and why. it covers way more then that though ,but should give you insight to your problem. Your not shallow though for feeling that way it's more instinctive.
 
Get yourself a chastity cage and give her the only key. Bet it won't take long for you to change your tune :)
 
You are shallow, and you're a bit coward as well, you should tell her about your worries, it will be tough time for you both but hopefully she will understand it, and you both start to fight for this relantionship, well you said you feel like anything is possible because you can do it together, so why not try to check if this thesis is not only an empty words! ? If you don't do it you will cheat on her sonner or later ! you can bad-mouth me, say how horrible person I am, what is actually nothing new , but look at this poor girl, do you know how humiliating and unfair is for her to having sex with someone who thinks she is repellent! what s more I can even say laying myslef open to attack that you don’t love her the way man should love woman , it can be respect, friendship, fear of loneliness, habit, but there is something I will always remember what one of my hotel guest say said to me, You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her… for you apparently she is not yet !
 
Ok, the first thing here is... DO NOT MENTION OR TELL HER OR SAY TO HER WHAT YOU JUST SAID HERE!
She has had issues with her weight in the past... anorexia.. and to have you, the man she loves, tell her that you are not sexually attracted to her, will devastate her! (believe me on the weight thing here!) you could trigger another bout of 'eating' disorder in her again, that could possibly cause her much, much despair.

Now... onto the issue at hand.... I must ask you, was she chubby when you met her/dated her or always thin till lately?
The reason is:
When you go into a dealer to buy a car... and the said car is blue, and automatic... you buy it, take it home.... THEN decide to change your mind (after you already bought it!) and decide you want a black car that is standard! --- you can't do this! you got what you chose. knowing good and well what you picked.
If indeed she was chubby from the get go... then you already knew what the situation was before 'starting a romantic relationship.
'thinking that once you marry? that you can change her.

Now, that being said.... If she was thin going into it... and then once you started the 'romantic/love/ part of this relationship, then I could see where the problem is (some here will not agree with me-I'm
sorry, but I DO understand where you are coming from)
You fell in love with her the way she WAS.. and that is what you wanted... now Ok, I know, I know.... folks will call me shallow also.. sorry, but I call it like it is.. besides we are all here to offer our opinions, and this is just mine.. we do not always have to agree with each other. (:)
The main thing here is you must follow your heart... but do not insult her in the process... if you love her, then FIND a way to understand in your heart of hearts how to deal with it.. being married is not always about sex.(yep I said so) there is so much more to it. what I am saying here is, if you love her, then go for it.. but it will be a decision that you will have to live with for the rest of your life, only you can make it or break it. but if you decide to break apart (WITH OUT insulting her weight) and then decide later on you were wrong... again, a decision that you will have to live, and deal with forever.

Bottom line, I think you came here with genuine sincerity in your heart, to ask for advice, and you meant no harm.

Some will brand you as shallow (I would call telling her that her weight was an issue, would be being shallow)- only because she has had anorexia issues in the past.
Actually I call you coming into a forum, spilling your heart, seeking advice, and then kindly accepting all of our different opinions toward you... being brave.

Follow your heart.

































 
Wait a sec ! the guy doesn’t want to have sex with his gf only because she is ugly ??!!! please …. don’t tell me it's not shallow ! I can’t even believe how he could call the girl he loves not attractive! I am so sorry I still don’t believe this relationships will work :( and don’t tell me either sex in marriage is not important ! well maybe for one of you it s not, but for our poor neo651 it is , otherwise he would not be here asking us for help ! ! !
Anyway … I am not saying either he should say " hey you're overweighted and do something about it because I cant look at you " , I was thinking about more gently way ... like…darling let’s be more healthy let's go together for a gym, swimming pool, share together some hobbies like biking and all different physical activities and there is a big chance he will get what he want to ,
but dear Neon ! the question is whether she wants the same thing and be changed ? what if in few years you would not like another part of her body … for examples sagging breasts she will have after pregnancy … well I think we accept and take all package or nothing at all
 
This isn't uncommon. People have lost physical attraction to their significant other when they've gone through changes. Putting it bluntly you are obviously not attracted to fat chicks. That doesn't make you shallow, not everyone is attracted to the same person because of X, could be any reason which doesn't really make someone shallow. What makes you shallow is how you go on about how much you love her, see yourself marrying her and having a family, yet you don't find yourself physically attracted to her? WTF? How could you see yourself getting married and having kids then? That isn't fair to her, and she will eventually catch on. You said she may never be able to lose all the weight she's put on, so you will either have to learn to love her for all the woman she is, or make a very difficult decision and let her go. Don't fake through a relationship with someone you care about just because you may be afraid of being alone.

 
My ExGF was sort of like that. She was only 110lb when we first met.
She gaimed more weight due to diets and drugs abuse.
Then was putted on more meds...which cuase her to swell
like a ballon.
I stayed with het through thick N thin. Our sex life
Actually got crazy due to her errortic behavior.
At the end of the relationship she looked like she
Was pregnant..but she wasn't.
Lots to think about due to her failing health.
PLUS SHE RELASP INTO HER ALCOHOLISM.
XANAX PUT HER OVER THE FUCKEN EDGE.

IM A SHALLOW SELFISH PRICK.
I WANTED TO PLAY THE CRAZY ALKI ,NOT
THE FICKEN CODI (care taker) IN THAT RELATIONSHIP.HAHAHAA
I HAVE A MAJOR FUCKEN RESENTMENT AND ANGER ISSUES BECUASE OF THAT.LOL

SO AFTER SHE RIPPED MY HEART TO PIECED CUZ, IM SUCH
A NICE GUY....I RELASP. MY FUCKEN I LL SHOW YOU ***** SYNDROME
KICKED IN. I WENT AND messed WOMEN HALF HER AGE WITH

Then it got matha fucken progressive.
I started doing threesomes with different sets
Of women...half her age,twices as nice
Twice as cute.....
That was some really deep honeysuckle man.
 
It's kind hard to imagine strong romantic inclinations in the absence of physical attraction. Anyway, if you don't find her attractive, that's that. Not like you can intellectually persuade your penis to come around. And if you need sex in a relationship as most people do, and faking it in unbearable then, well... break up.

But honestly if she was the 'love of your life' or whatever, I'm pretty sure you would still be attracted to her. I have this feeling that maybe the whole situation isn't what you think it is.
 
So they don't have her on any hormone replacement therapy?!
If she is truly hypothyroid and goes untreated she will have a short and miserable life.
This is very sad to hear.
 
My exgf had thyroid problems amounts other health issues.
I was as compassinate as i was capiable of.
IT WEARS ON YOU. IT WEARS ON THE DYNAMIC OF THE.RELATIONSHIP

Your role gradully change into a caretaker.
Aside from physical health, her mental health was effected as will...
She had depression...etc..etc
Just going for a simple walk during a sunset as romanic thing became
Like pulling teeth or a struggling.
At the end of the day you feel worn out.
A PERSON CAN ONLY GIVE SO MUCH...AND THATS THAT.

Its a challenge im faced with at the moment with
My fiance. Shes the love of my life and we have a great
Sex life...
She has mental health issues. Shes on meds also.
Her physical health is deteriorating.
Yes some of her meds makes her gain weight.
No matter how much i tell her shes beautiful,
Its still her self image of her own body that she's
Struggling to accept or come to terms with.

Were both over 40 and not getting younger.
For the most part i am taking on a role of her caretaker.

Renae only weight 130lb..
By all account shes not chubby.
Its her own self body image.

I don't know what gose on in her
Head when she looks in mirror.

We can have sex 5 to 6 times p day
Or sometimes all day

When a dont feel sexual towards
All the time or i need rest...she feels
Bad about herself or feels shes ugly.


Yes, she needs a lot of ove and attentions.

At the sametime...who the heck is looking
Out after me.....
Theres lack of balance.

RENAE LOVES ME VERY MUCH.
ITS JUST ALL OF THESE ISSUES THAT WEARS
ON OUR RELATIONSHIP.
 

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