Passivity & Abuse

So, after a caffeine pill or two I am thinking and talking a lot, but it's almost 3 am and I have no one to talk to.

But, today I was reading this book and i was reading the chapter on Poverty and Depression, and it mentioned a woman who would not respond to her therapist, when the therapist called her, and would not refill her psychiatric prescriptions. The last comment about this woman went to this effect " that her actions were caused by passivity learned from a lifetime of abuse."

and that made me stop and think. "Passivity...from abuse?" and i think about all the softspoken, apologetic, low self esteem women I have met that were abused, and it made sense. Then i thought about myself, and how I have a pretty "laid back", passive, at times (learned helplessness) sort of nature. and it again made sense.

to be quiet growing up was my way of escaping notice, to minimize any abuse towards myself. I had to be taught by my first boyfriend to have opinions and be assertive. I literally, at 14 years of age, had no opinions of my own whatsoever. I just agreed with whatever he (my boyfriend) said. no concept of self, which is pretty bad. I also am bad at returning phone calls and emails.

I dunno. Just writing down thoughts.

This makes me think about all of the softspoken, apologetic men I have met that were abused and it made sense too. =P

I agree that abuse can cause people to become more passive. It makes a lot of sense. Just hope you aren't noticed so you can just squeeze by in life.

That reminds me of my ex. One of the nicest (actually i wouldn't call him nice, i'd call him kind) guys i've ever had the pleasure to meet.

What you say echoes what my therapist is always saying, that when you have been abused, you 'lie low' so that others won't notice you.
I'm not sure where being bad at returning emails and phone calls fits in, but I am bad at this as well.

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Re. the email/phone call situation. Do you ever leave it so late that you get scared to return mails and calls in the end incase the recipient is really angry at you for not reurning them sooner? I am in this situation with an email right now.

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Its not saying that all passivity is from abuse. Just that sometimes there is a link. There doesn't need to be more research as the existence of one case is enough to show that a link is possible.

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There's definitely a strong connection between abuse and passivity.
I am very passive in day to day life.
In high school it was so bad that I did everything I could think of to blend into the background of life and disappear, including wearing old dark-colored clothes and barely moving and speaking.
I don't understand why abused people often respond like this but it is very real.

roguewave said:

There's definitely a strong connection between abuse and passivity.
I am very passive in day to day life.
In high school it was so bad that I did everything I could think of to blend into the background of life and disappear, including wearing old dark-colored clothes and barely moving and speaking.
I don't understand why abused people often respond like this but it is very real.

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Oh wow i wasn't like that in high school, but that's probably because I had a nurse and interpreter with me every day. After they left, i would wear the same clothes a few days in a row, garnering teasing.

We seem to have a few things in common though, like our experiences in college.

Were you ever abused?

Well, my father was (is) emotionally twisted and a verbally abusive pervert

I know that qualifies as abuse but I don't usually use the "a" word because I know people who got the honeysuckle beat out of them and I don't want them to feel like I am minimizing their abuse which was way more intense than mine.

Like you, there were a few adults (not parents) that pushed me through high school but after that things kind of fell apart.

roguewave said:

Well, my father was (is) emotionally twisted and a verbally abusive pervert

I know that qualifies as abuse but I don't usually use the "a" word because I know people who got the honeysuckle beat out of them and I don't want them to feel like I am minimizing their abuse which was way more intense than mine.

Like you, there were a few adults (not parents) that pushed me through high school but after that things kind of fell apart.

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that makes me want to ask you more questions but we could just talk in aim about it?

It took me a long for mep to learn how to
Tell people to fresia off.

Because with abusive and adbrasive People it
wasnt always cut and dry.
Lots and lots of mental
And emotional manipulations.
Moral and value codes
Use against me as a form
Of guilt so that i remain passive.

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Especially with

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Especaily with my abusive father.

My well being as risk.
Basic needs such as food and shelter.
As a chil i had no means of providing
Those basic needs for myself.

Plus if i say anything it would cause
arguments between my mother and
Father. Plus the saying of
Father knows best and respect
Your parents...

As i became an aduilt and was able
To provide for myself. I was able
to move out...
Never the less my father continue to
Be abusive towards me, even to thk

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It had taken me a lot time.
Its all something ive been working on
In the past three years.

STEAL, would remind me or point
It out to me every so often.

STOP PLAYING THE VICTIM

Sounds a bit like me. What I'm trying to improve is to not diminish my own opinions and things I think are fun, I used to go "meh, it's ok"--shrugging at my favorite hobbies, and I still tend to do that at times. Maybe it's the same with you? As far as I know, I haven't been abused except for what I remember as minor bullying in school, but I didn't have much social contact growing up; staying up late with the computer.
I don't know about you, but maybe I was afraid of scaring away people with my opinions, which turned into a bit of a learned helplessness.

abuse can turn you a passive person or just make you explode, and force you to make a stand against anyone and/or anything.

Winterlong said:

abuse can turn you a passive person or just make you explode, and force you to make a stand against anyone and/or anything.

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abuse from you or another, or self-neglect of your needs (sometimes to please another person), or self-denial of your personality (here again, sometimes to please another person or by fear of rejection/abandonment).

Ah yes. Passive tendencies due to abuse. Surprise surprise. Bleh.

still got to find a way to reply to that "Stop playing the victim". I don't know many people in suffering who amuse themselves and yet this phrase gets told so easily.

Arsenic Queen said:

still got to find a way to reply to that "Stop playing the victim". I don't know many people in suffering who amuse themselves and yet this phrase gets told so easily.

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What I always figured is that when a person says something like "stop playing the victim" or "get over it" what they are doing is attempting to raise up their own self esteem, self worth and sense of accomplishment by knocking someone else down. I think it's a negative coping mechanism for a lot of people.

roguewave said:

Arsenic Queen said:

still got to find a way to reply to that "Stop playing the victim". I don't know many people in suffering who amuse themselves and yet this phrase gets told so easily.

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What I always figured is that when a person says something like "stop playing the victim" or "get over it" what they are doing is attempting to raise up their own self esteem, self worth and sense of accomplishment by knocking someone else down. I think it's a negative coping mechanism for a lot of people.

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To me what I hear is;

"I don't want to hear about how you feel anymore. I don't care." when someone says that

Agreed.