How do I deal with being in love with my best friend...

I've been in love with my best friend for the past couple years. But I found out at Christmastime that she has a boyfriend and they've been together for 9 month now.

Now that I think about it, she was giving me hints all this time that she wanted something more with me but I never picked up on them. I suppose she got tired of waiting around for me and moved on. But maybe she still has feelings for me but thinks I don't feel the same way about her back.

I've been feeling down and depressed since finding this out, and it really brought down me during Christmas and New Years. She was all I could think about and the fact that she has a boyfriend. I've been having trouble falling asleep because I've been so depressed. I feel bothered that some other guy is with her and not me. It just seems strange. But at the same time, I'm glad she's happy.

However, I am worried that they're going to stay together and get married one day. I dread going on Facebook and possibly seeing a picture of her hand with an engagement ring on it announcing that she's engaged.

We were like Forrest and Jenny growing up. We met when we were toddlers and became friends in the first grade. From then on, we were closer than peas and carrots or however the saying goes. We even had our first kiss together when we were 8 years old and I still remember the moment 11 years later. We used to talk on the phone for hours on a daily basis and go to each other's houses often. We've had a lot of great times together and I'm always thinking back on our years of growing up. She's always been there for me and has really done things to show that she cared about me. When we were 10 years old, she told me on the phone that she loved me. Of course, that was 8 or 9 years ago, I'm not sure she still feels the same way about me.

Unfortunately, we have grown apart in the past couple years due to us being busy with jobs. But she has messaged me several times in the past year saying she wants us to hang out and that she misses me.

I've been emotional wreck for the past few weeks. I do miss her and want to see her like old times, but I feel uncomfortable doing so now that she has a boyfriend. I've thought about writing her a letter telling her how I feel about her and say that it's maybe best if we "depart".

What do I do? Any advice on how to deal with this?

Ask yourself these two question. One reason we like our friends is that we are around them so much and they are always there for us.

Is she in a relationship?
Has she ever rejected any of my advances to take this friendship to the next level?

If yes to the first or both then you need to cool your jets and find another girl. If yes only to the last then you need to think why she has rejected you and talk to her about it.

I think it might be best if you could talk to her about how you feel towards her. This might be difficult and require a lot of courage, but it would be better to know where you stand with her. Maybe she does have feelings for you but thinks you aren't interested and so has gone on to form another relationship while still secretly wanting to be with you, or maybe she has no feelings for you other than thinking of you as a good and valued friend, and is happy in her new relationship. Either way, at least you will know. And if she doesn't think of you in a boyfriend way, you could then 'depart' till you recover emotionally. I have been apart from someone I have strong feelings for for several months and although I miss this person, I know that I could not cope with being around them. Maybe this will be a lifelong 'departure' -I don't know yet.

What do I do? Any advice on how to deal with this?

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I don't want to sound like an insensitive dick here, but I'm just going to mention a gigantic issue I picked up on in both this thread and one similar to it recently:

You are not ever in love with someone unless you are in a relationship.

I think this is the key rule with everything like this - and approaching relationships in general. Do not overcommit yourself before you are in a realistic position.

Yes, you may really like her company, things she does, how her personality is, how she looks. You may like all these things for years.

However, unless you're waking up next to her every morning, spending lots of romantic time together and talking about your future together, you cannot ever allow yourself to get this wrapped up.

Such a strong emotional connection without any substance of a relationship is asking for a lot of turmoil and pain.

This brings us onto the nature of "love" - I don't think many people actually know what this is, unless they've been married for 50 years or whatever. I know I certainly don't know what relationship-based, non-family-related love is, or what it truly feels like.

What you're feeling is a long term closeness with someone which has now peaked to romantic infatuation. This has occurred with such painful results because you have allowed yourself to feel it as "love" without building the framework to support that.

So many times I myself have convinced myself that I have some kind of connection to a girl before asking her out - and the truth is, every time it has hampered my natural intuition and actually stopped me from pursuing the girl.

My advice would therefore be to step back and take a look at your feelings. Judge what is realistic in this situation and prune back your desires accordingly.

She is in a relationship and so, unfortunately, that's another reason you cannot afford to be prematurely emotional like this.

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So...my advice is this:

Continue being friends with her. Talk to her as you normally would and remain friendly.

However, realise that you are friends - nothing more, nothing less, and that's the way it is. Regardless of your innermost feelings.

You should take this opportunity to get to know other girls in a friendly capacity (thus keeping your options free and open) and after some time you may find that the situation changes.

Then, if she ever becomes single again, maintaining that friendship will ensure that you can take the opportunity to ask her out if you feel that it would still be a good idea.

On the other hand, by establishing contact with other girls, if she does get married or stays with this guy or whatever, you won't take it like a stab in the heart. You might even be in a relationship with another lovely lady!

Don't feel down about it - just be realistic and understand that things are as they are.

In future, I also heartily recommend that you maintain a healthy emotional distance from someone unless there is an obvious possibility of a romantic relationship - that way you will avoid these feelings that are not possible to currently satisfy.

I hope that helped, best of luck to you

TheSolitaryMan said:

You are not ever in love with someone unless you are in a relationship.

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I'm sorry but this is the biggest load I've ever heard. This might be true if it was someone he just met and barely knew. In this case it's a person he's know practically all his life.

If you had feelings for her for a couple of years now you had plenty of time to act on them. You missed your shot. You said she's happy so you can do two of one thing here, either keep your mouth shut or tell her how you really feel. Which will result into either her breaking things off with this new guy to be with you, or shooting you down because her feelings have now changed.

Sci-Fi said:

TheSolitaryMan said:

You are not ever in love with someone unless you are in a relationship.

Click to expand...

I'm sorry but this is the biggest load I've ever heard. This might be true if it was someone he just met and barely knew. In this case it's a person he's know practically all his life.

If you had feelings for her for a couple of years now you had plenty of time to act on them. You missed your shot. You said she's happy so you can do two of one thing here, either keep your mouth shut or tell her how you really feel. Which will result into either her breaking things off with this new guy to be with you, or shooting you down because her feelings have now changed.

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Lol, straight to the point there Sci-Fi

I still disagree though, I'm afraid. Love implies a state of profound emotional connection with someone - specifically a state that is shared.

This is not a case of that. It's someone with a crush on a long-term close friend.

It reminds me a lot of that previous thread with the guy "loving" his room-mate of three years when he never acted on it. The OP admits he's had these deep feelings for two.

I've known girls for 6+ years, I've liked them all that time, possibly romantically. Does that mean I've ever loved them, even in my heightened moments of despair that I'm not going out with them?

Of course not. Not by any stretch of the imagination.

I just don't think you can ever love someone when you've never been romantic with them. You can be very close as friends, possibly you could even argue semantics that you can "love someone as a friend".

You cannot love them as a lover or romantic partner without that connection though - and doing so is dangerous and delusional.

I guess some guys gose through that in their
Late teens or early 20s. I did.
It was weird brcuase we hung out together
A lot when i didnt hsve s GF..
She had her so call lover.
NOT SAYING I NEVERRD HAD A GF.
And when i did have a GF, she was jealous.
Which gave me mixed signals.
She used to write me all the time while
I was in basic training
When i went home on leave.
We would to out like a couple.
But we weren't a couple, we were
Just friends

In a lot of ways i felt she was stinging
Me alone. In the zone but always on
The fucken borders.

She cried heart out when i t

I agree with TheSolitaryMan. Even knowing a girl/guy as a friend that long you don't know them intimately and yes you can have deep feelings for them but it isn't love. I am not putting love on a pedestal but until you know the entire person inside and out you can't say you love them. But you can feel a though you can love this person through what you have experienced with them.

Back on topic. My first post was just a general post without reading to much into what you had to say. Even after reading you still need to crap or get off the pot. It is a real bad time to tell her how you feel unless she is dating this guy to get your attention, though you definitely need to spill your guts to her.

She cried when i informed her i was getting
marry...
Why? Why? Why? As she was crying.
More freaken mixed signal.

We were still talking after my divorce.
She wss still devoted to the same guy.

The thing of it is Renae never knew about
Kimberly. Kimberly never liked me
Talking aboit Renae. After all Kimberly
Was my so call best friend at that time.
I can tell my friends anyyhing?
Even girls troubles?..not

---

Slowly she faded out of my life.
I guess we will never know.
Kimberly was the good girl.
Shes totally opposite of Renae.
Renae is the bad girl.
Kimberly being blonde,hot and taller
Than me.Subconsciously id probably
Turn her into a bad girl.

Im the bad boy...somewhere
Alone the line she was trying
To give me wings and a halo.
Maybe she hung out with me
To fulfill her badboys needs
without crossing the line...

My relationship with her wasn't
all bad or the end results of it
Wasn't bad.. I knew i can form
a friendship with a woman.

Im Renaes lover, im also her friend.
Basically KIMBERLY AND I
STOPPED TALKING TO EACH OTHER.
IT WASNT ON THE BEST OF TERMS.

YES, I GOT OFF THE FUCKEN POT.

I was on a self distructive path
AFTER Renae and i broke up.
She had to let me go...
She knew she couldn't stop me or fix me.
She also understand.
She nor i woild not be second to anyone.

What Im saying is..you deal with it the best
You can. No amount of advice is going make
any differnce.
Things work out between Kimberly as it should.
J nevered planned on having that last talk with
Her because she was still calling me and being
Nice...
We parted ways not on good terms but maybe
It was the best for the both of us, so that we
Both can move on with our lives.

---

Renae came back into my life decades
Later. I never planned it or convieved of it.
Life is weird like that. Im just doing the best
that i can with what is in front of me.
YES, IM TAKIMG A honeysuckle WITH RENAE
The situation that im facing at the moment
Dose have easy answers to them either.

Look, if she's hitting you up, then she obviously wants the D. It's hammer time bro and you've got the wood!