Pedophilia

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
Status
Not open for further replies.

anon6156

Member
Joined
Jan 22, 2012
Messages
17
Reaction score
0
I'm a pedophile.

I have NEVER done ANYTHING inappropriate to a child.

It first started when I was 14. It started as a 14 year old boy who wanted to look at 14 year old girls. 14 became 13, became 12 and so on and so forth until I got down to 4 year olds. Then one day I saw pictures of a 3 year old girl and thought "Oh, God that's awful." The hypocrisy hit me hard and I suddenly realized what I'd been doing and what I was.

That was 12 years ago and I've been fighting this ever since. I've tried many many theories on how to control myself. As hard as I'd tried I could never go more than a few months without turning back to pornography, even if only once.

About 6 months ago I tried to commit suicide. My best friend saved me and somewhere in there that night I confessed to her what I was.

She was okay with it, she accepted it, she told me I wasn't a bad person. It was truly the last thing I expected. It may have been the most important night of my life. Having someone I trust who knows about me and that I can talk to has been indescribably beneficial. I've learned so much.

I've realized that my urges are triggered mostly be stress and that the reason all my attempts to control myself in the past failed were because they were based on self-denial. I had myself convinced that I was a bad person. Not just a bad person, a monster. A monster who didn't deserve to live. I would tell myself that the only reason I was still alive is because I was too much of a coward to kill myself. This whole way of thinking had me under constant stress which made it all the more difficult to control myself.

My friend told me that I need to accept myself for what I am because it can't be helped. I am what I am and that can't be changed. She convinced me that there's nothing inherently wrong with what I am. There would only be something wrong if I acted on it, and that's what I need to focus on. I need to accept what I am and just control my actions.

So far these ideas have been very promising. But the problem I'm running into is that I spent 12 years telling myself I'm a worthless monster and that's a very deep seeded mode of thinking that I can't seem to shake. I now consciously believe I am a good person with an unfortunate mental illness that I'm capable of controlling. But emotionally, in my heart, I still feel like I'm just plain evil and for the sake of ensuring that I remain in control of myself I need to change that. How do I stop hating myself? Is it just going to take 12 more years of telling myself the opposite of what I have been?

P.S. I didn't intend for this post to be so long but I started finding it cathartic to be this open about it. I never thought I'd be able to do something like this. If you've read this far, thank you...very much.
 
I now this doesn't really count as support but "acting on it" does still include looking at child pornography.
 
I was sexually abused when I was a child, and so reading your message is hard for me because even now, 40 years later, I feel dirty and contaminated because of what was done to me by my uncle. I couldnt stand being touched by any man for over 20 years afterwards.
I agree with Kamya that by looking at pornography you are still 'acting on it' and I would say that you need to keep away from doing this or anything else which supports this vile industry. If you can find the inner strength to keep away completely from child pornography in all of its forms, then you could work on self acceptance and hopefully find inner peace.
 
As I'm sure you know, there is no known cure for how you feel, which means that all you can do is learn to live with it... and to be a decent person who happens to have this negative quality. The only option is to be a victim of your urges, which will simultaneously turn you into a monster.

The sites I visited all said to avoid drinking or using drugs, to stay away from children, and to avoid pornography. When you find yourself fantasizing about children, turn your focus onto something else. There are some people being treated with Androcur, which curbs the production of male sex hormones. You might want to look into that.

Are you only attracted to children, or to adults as well? I'm hopeful that it's the latter. Just as a bisexual person doesn't need both- a male and a female partner- to feel satisfied, having a relationship with an adult (assuming you are also attracted to adults) will satisfy emotional and sexual needs.

I'm glad you talked to your friend. I'm glad you came and talked to us. It will help you to have people to talk to about this. I'm not saying you should tell everybody you know. Obviously, not everybody is going to be okay with it- but the more support you have, the easier it will be.
 
First let me say thank you to all of you who have replied so far. I was afraid the responses would be more of a judgemental outcry but you've all been constructive and helpful. I very much appreciate that.

Secondly, in response to nerdygirl's question. I am "non-exclusive" (I think that's the proper term). Meaning I am attracted to adult women as well, and thank goodness for that. I don't know how I could possibly manage if I weren't. In fact I've had many normal relationships but it is very difficult for me. I have some social phobias, bi-polar disorder as well as asperger's syndrome, though they tell me the asperger's is extremely mild. But in short, it's very difficult for me to get along with people and very difficult for people to get along with me. I'm not particularly pleasant, or talkative or interesting. With my friend's help I'm trying to fix these things. I've been actively trying to meet people and make friends and then I'll talk to her about the interactions I've had and describe the situation and what I said or did and she'll try and explain to me what was happening and what I should have done/said. It's extremely frustrating because I have to learn these things as this rigid set of memorized rules on how to behave and relate to people and everyone else seems to have such an elegant, fluid comprehension of the same rules without having to have any conscious awareness of them.

Lastly, I do understand that looking at child pornography counts as "acting on it" and I am ashamed of that behavior. Interestingly enough my friend that I confided in tried to convince me that looking at child pornography wasn't bad because I wasn't hurting anyone. I had to explain to her that even though I'm not doing it myself it still supports those who do. If there were no demand there would be no supply. But I am working on cutting that out as well and I believe I'm doing well. Which leads me to another question for everybody.

I've been testing a new method of dealing with this and keeping myself from acting on it. But it falls into a grey area that I can't decide on the morality of. On youtube there is a plethora of videos of young girls. Perfectly innocent videos that were made not under duress, without coercion or manipulation, there is no nudity and there is nothing intentionally sexual about them. In short, it was made without hurting anyone in any way. So my questions are, do you think that from a moral standpoint it is okay for me to look at these sorts of things in place of child pornography? If it isn't immoral, is it still bad practice in that it encourages the wrong kind of behavior? If it does encourage negative behavior, does it make for an acceptable crutch until I can achieve my ultimate goal (similar to how heroin addicts are treated with methadone)?

Thank you, again.
 
I think that would probably be ok. No one gets hurt and it has the plus of not being illegal.
 
anon6156 said:
So my questions are, do you think that from a moral standpoint it is okay for me to look at these sorts of things in place of child pornography? If it isn't immoral, is it still bad practice in that it encourages the wrong kind of behavior? If it does encourage negative behavior, does it make for an acceptable crutch until I can achieve my ultimate goal (similar to how heroin addicts are treated with methadone)?

Thank you, again.

I'd like to reply to the section quoted above. I don't have an answer for you, as far a "moral standpoint" but what I'd like to share an opinion on is the "crutch" comment you made.
I can't speak for anyone but myself, but I feel it's best to put as much distance between yourself and what tempts you. You are obviously torn and anguished. I can't see that it would be at all productive to view anything that would keep feeding your need for something that isn't morally right. Also, with your other illnesses that you mentioned, I wonder if wouldn't help to be rid of the guilt you must feel when you engage in certain activities (looking at the porn)?
I know that some don't advocate the "cold turkey" method, but I feel that in your case, it might be best.
 
I'll be honest. I'm completely against pedophilia. The idea of adults forcing young children to get painful/uncomfortable/shameful sexual treatments; and that these adults enjoy ruining childhoods; enjoy sinking innocent children to a suicidary, self-hating, no-life for the most of their best years, FOR SEX? It simply makes me sick to my stomach. It's just completely wrong, sorry.

It's great if you really don't act on it. You really have an outstanding self-control. Congratulations...

As for the "crutch" suggested, I dunno. I am not really sure how you can look at children and not be tempted to act on it. I would tend to agree with Eve, but I dunno how much it would solve the problem. Denial is not going to erase what you are. It risks amplifying it from the impossibility to speak up, and making it more difficult to control.

I don't know what to tell you.
 
Tough to respond on this one as I imagine we are all laymen rather than psychiatrists, what would worry me the most is giving advice that would not only not help, but could possibly make things worse and lead you to going down the path to becoming a monster.

Have you tried getting some sort of professional help on this? A therapist or psychologist might be a better person to discuss this sort of thing with. I know it could be expensive, but in the long run you might find it to pay off, especially if it helps you with your urges. Don't be ashamed to admit that you might require some sort of help in that regard, many members on this site have gone to mental health specialists with success stories to go with them.
 
Well since you obviously have a desire to stop, and you exhibit a lot of what I see in addicts in twelve step programs (myself included) I would strongly recommend trying one out! A cursory search did not turn up any fellowships specifically pedophilia oriented, but I believe you would fall in the realm of "sex addicts anonymous" which is really just focused on any addictive and inherently sexual behavior. I'd say pedophilia definitley qualifies. Here's a link to their site http://saa-recovery.org/, and feel free to PM me if you have any questions regarding 12 step programs (I participate in narcotics anonymous and run a self mutilators anonymous's online community)

Best wishes and good luck!
 
Your OP is the most personal post I have ever read. You are brave, troubled enough to ask for help, and so far, able to resist acting on your desires. Those are all commendable.

My only FWIW advice I offer is to avoid all opportunities for acting on your urges. You need to not trust yourself in this area, but that is okay! It doesn't make you bad, it makes you a realist and capable of empathy. "I have this problem, I don't want to hurt anyone, so I will not trust myself in this area in order to keep extra vigilant and never slack and tempt myself."

Many of us have some sort of weaknesses or urgers we need to continually acknowledge, not to beat ourselves up but in order to avoid trouble. And again, that is okay and separates us from those with no conscious and may be unavoidable the rest of our lives.

Strength to you,
ap
 
I stop drinking and using since i was a kid.
I do understand acting on implus that has
Destructive to my life. Plus on top
Of that i used to obsessed iover it.

The stima of being an aloholic..
Alcoholism destroys lives.
To this day im still trying to
correct the damages i caused
As a young man. I hutted Renae
Very very much. The consequences
Of my actions extended beyound
More than i conceived.
Making things right for Kimi hasn't
been black n white and it hasn't
Been essy....

Anyway....sometimes thoughts
Of robbing a fucken bank crosses
My mind.

It would solve alot challenges. And sone of ny prokems..

However theres system put in place
To deter me from doing that honeysuckle...
 
anon6156 said:
Lastly, I do understand that looking at child pornography counts as "acting on it" and I am ashamed of that behavior. Interestingly enough my friend that I confided in tried to convince me that looking at child pornography wasn't bad because I wasn't hurting anyone. I had to explain to her that even though I'm not doing it myself it still supports those who do. If there were no demand there would be no supply. But I am working on cutting that out as well and I believe I'm doing well. Which leads me to another question for everybody.

Well you can be arrested for this though and be thrown in jail for having child pornography.

So i'd avoid that if i were you.

There, another reason for you to avoid it.

Also another reason for you to avoid it is because it's exploitative of children, who cannot legally give their consent.
 
For this response let me first clarify the position I'm in. I'm sensing an underlying concern with people responding that there's a possibility that I may one day act on my urges with a real live child. I'd like to assuage those concerns but with a realistic qualifier. As I said before, I've never done anything inappropriate to a child. I've never attempted to, I've never planned to, I've never even entertained the idea with earnest. The furthest extent I've taken it is that I've fantasized about it. I've also fantasized about building a time machine, winning the lottery and playing in the Super Bowl. And with respect to the odds of my actually going through with it, that's the group I'd place it in. All that being said, I've never been in a situation where I had the opportunity. So I've never been truly tested. So for safety's sake I cannot entirely dismiss the possibility. But for now I'm focusing on my immediate problem which is child pornography.

So next, in response to LimLim. I've been through therapists but I have some pretty severe trust issues and I can't afford a therapist long enough to be able to build up the necessary level of trust. I very nearly didn't graduate high school and I never went to college. High school left me so scarred I was never able to deal with even the idea of going to college. As a result I don't make very much money.

But I've been figuring out how to cope with what is effectively a fear of school and I'm planning on starting classes in the fall. So hopefully, in time, I'll be able to cross out "can't afford it" as an excuse. Also, starting this whole thread has been part of an exercise in trust building meant to help me deal with the trust issues that keep me from sharing something like this with a therapist. I would say it's working. It will still be a long while, I think, before I can talk to a professional about this but at least I can say I'm on the path. But in the meantime I have to keep trying to sort things out on my own.

In response to VideoVidiVisum. I've played around with the idea of approaching this as addiction in the past. It's how I originally came up with the idea to allow myself to look at images of children that were made without any form of physical or emotional harm (I compared it to methadone therapy in an earlier post). But I've read through the website on SAA and I don't think it would be for me. Firstly, I'm not entirely convinced I would be accepted as someone suffering from what other attendees were suffering from. Secondly, it will probably be many more years before I can work through my trust issues well enough to a point where I could publicly talk about this, anonymous or not. And lastly, it seems that, similar to AA, it's a religiously centered program. While I have no problem with that; I, personally, am an atheist and wouldn't be able to complete all of those steps honestly.

Finally, in response to SophiaGrace. The threat of jail is the last thing I want to consider as motivation to control myself. If the only thing that came between me and abusing a child was the threat of jail that wouldn't be a decision of morality. It would be a decision of self-preservation. I don't want to do this for my own sake, I want to do it for the sake of others. Like you said, because it's exploitative.

Thank you.
 
I don't know if I am in the right position to say any advice of sort. I am not very confident on that area also that your situation is very serious, I agree with Limlim. Although, one thing I can think of as of the moment, as you have said that you want to do this for others because you don't want to hurt them, then maybe it would be beneficial to get acquainted with real stories of real people who have suffered or were victims of pedophiles or are families of victims. It is another to accept what you have and to be able to face it instead of ignoring it, it is also another story to know what you could or would have become, how much despair you could or would have caused people if just for once, you'd allow yourself to be weak. Maybe by hearing about them, how they view people suffering from what you have, and acted on it, maybe when in times of temptations, you'd have a better grasp of the consequences of one minute of weakness would cause. I really hope you'll find peace. I don't think you are a bad person. It is just unfortunate you have this. Consider yourself lucky, cos despite of what you have, you also have a great sense of morality to conquer this negative trait. I wish you all the best and thank you for sharing
 
Wow, didn't expect this. I have to say that sharing this is very brave of you. With something like this you never know how people are going to react. Personally I think pedophilia is sick. It's good to hear that you haven't physically harmed a child in this way, and you realized you have a problem before you did. I agree with Eve and many others here. I'm glad you have the support of your friend and are trying to control you desires and find other outlets for them.
 
anon6156 said:
I've fantasized about it. I've also fantasized about building a time machine, winning the lottery and playing in the Super Bowl. And with respect to the odds of my actually going through with it, that's the group I'd place it in.
So to you, having a chance of harming a child is something as rare and difficult to get as these other fantasies you mentioned?

If you went as far as getting your hands on something like child pornography, which to me is already quite rare and difficult to find, why would it be anymore difficult to find potential victims? Isn't it just a question of finding lonely children? Doesn't seem very difficult to me.

And what better than a forum for lonely people to create bonds with several already lonely youngsters?
 
Actually, child porn isn't that difficult to find sadly. You just have to know where to look. I've come across people online who were into that sort of thing. You can find anything if you just look for it. The internet itself is full of weird/disturbing stuff.
 
Arsenic Queen said:
And what better than a forum for lonely people to create bonds with several already lonely youngsters?

There will be no accusations here. This goes for everyone. So far this thread has been civil and it needs to remain civil. Thanks.
 
Sci-Fi said:
Actually, child porn isn't that difficult to find sadly. You just have to know where to look. I've come across people online who were into that sort of thing. You can find anything if you just look for it. The internet itself is full of weird/disturbing stuff.
You're serious? That's sad.

Just proves even more that it's not very difficult to find lonely children, especially in forums with a lot of traffic and open to people of all ages. Like here.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.

Latest posts

Back
Top