Grad School, GPA & Thoughts on My Disabilities (Long Post)

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SophiaGrace

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so, i think everyone knows by now that I have had a lot of problems in college. It's been really hard for me, and half the time i've wanted to give up. I havent even gotten to midterms yet this semester, but I am 3 semesters away from graduating. During my years in college, two terms i've gotten below a 2.0, and was on academic probation, but managed to pull myself out of it. My GPA right now is a 2.4, at my old college it was a 2.6 or so.

These GPAs aren't good enough for grad school, and I know with my medical needs and expenses that I have to go to grad school, if i want to survive in life monatarily. So I'm not sure what to do.

This semester I've gotten some accomodations, such as, my professors need to give me my essay prompts ahead of time, and I have a person who is voicing everything in class for me, since I would just sit there and stare at the teachers signs not understanding what they were saying before (which sounds really bad I know), and then simltaneously staring at my classmates signing (not really understanding that either). In the deaf culture, if you are looking at someone while they are signing it means you are listening to them, so i'd be faking it the whole class period.

Anyways, I think my accomodations will help, or at least, I hope they will.

I guess i've gotten it into my head that if i work really hard these last few semesters that I might be able to swing a 3.0 and thus qualify for grad school. I don't know if I will break down again after midterms like i usually do, and get depressed. I hope I don't. I'm not on any antidepressants this semester, after last semester's bout with fluxotine landed me on my backside in my bed, not wanting to do anything and not showering/doing basic hygiene (which wasn't like me, so i knew it was the medicine). So, i stopped taking fluxotine.

I've been really stressed lately over being an adult, to the point of crying myself to sleep these last few nights over it. Being an adult means that you have to make your own decisions, be your own advocate, and live alone. For a person with what I feel to be severe physical disabilities such as mine What I am trying to say is. When you have a physical disability, you have to consider things and deal with things that other people never have to worry about. I have the burden of worrying how I will pay my medical expenses on top of the regular expenses other people have to deal with. I have the burden of worrying whether or not I will be discriminated against in searching for a job because of my disabilities. I have to deal with people treating me differently because of my disabilities. It is up to me to make others see who I am inside, since peoples first reaction is to the outside, which is difficult. Because of my communication barriers, it is difficult, not everyone signs. Because of how I look, it is difficult. I have to deal with it. I know.

Onto another topic, some good news about college is that I am seeing a light at the end of the tunnel. Realizing that I have 3 semesters left has made me perk up, and feel like college is not the long endless nightmare that I felt it was for so long. I know this is a really weird analogy to make, but, whenever i near the end of reading a book, i start to read faster, so I hope i do the same with college, that my work starts to improve because I can see the end, and that motivates me, like nothing else could.

Also, the fact that I am over halfway finished with my coursework means to me that I am over some sort of strange hump. That most of it is behind me, like the pages in a book, and that there are less "pages" in my future that I have to read.

I don't know if I can pull my GPA up to a 3.0, since my college history is so dismal. Do I even have a choice? No. I don't.

For about a year now I've been reading fiction, and looking up every single word I don't know in books i've read for pleasure, in order to help myself on the GRE in the future. I know if I continue to do this that my vocabularly will expand, and I hope it gives me a leg-up.

I originally went into psychology because I wanted to work with deaf clients. (I know that sounds weird since i've previously stated that I have trouble understanding my teachers and classmates, but I have used sign language for years at home).

I just hope i have enough energy to do this, and that my anxiousness surrounding this doesn't fizzle out into an energyless void like it usually does. I hope that if i do get into grad school that I am able to complete it, since i know the requirements for it tend to be even more rigorous than undergraduate school.

I find it rather sad that for all these years i've cared so much about my grades, and yet have continually fallen into this black void, which makes it appear as though i don't care, based on my grades alone, when I really do. I don't even know if that makes sense, but my grades do not reflect the seriousness and the amount of my self worth in which my college experience has been wrapped up in. (that was awkwardly worded)

I don't know how other people here truely feel about me here on ALL. I've made a lot of threads on my problems, and my problems never seem to go away. I don't know if people here look down on me for it, and label me a whiner, or what. I hope most people here have good feelings for me (I know I can't please everyone).

I guess I can honestly say that my attention these past few years has not been on my social life (even though I have felt lonely) but on my school, and how I am doing in school. Maybe that is appropriate given my struggles in college and my monatary concerns for my future. It doesn't mean I am not lonely though.

If I can graduate college (which, by now I guess I know I can since i'm over halfway through it), it would prove to me that commitment means success, and that if I stick it out in other things in life, that I will succeed as well. Hopefully it will give me a self-esteem boost when this is all over. God knows I need it.

Thanks for listening. That is all.



 
Okay, so I read this post 24 hours ago but I had to think on it first to be sure I didn't post a page of some incomprehensible, unhelpful blabber. I'm not saying those 24 hours helped much...unfortunately.

Does an MA usually = higher income than a BA? I've heard old stats that this is the case, but after the economy collapsed I am not sure whether this is still the case or if these days, a comfortable income is more dependent upon the way you apply your degree(s) and luck (being in the right place at the right time, a future employer taking a liking to you, a lucky job find, etc...) I'm not saying yours isn't a good or logical conclusion, it is. Just that it seems right now that things are more about luck that having 2 more years of schooling. Although I don't have the numbers to prove or disprove that. I know this is probably not comforting which brings me to my next talking point.

Speculating about the future is terrifying because well, it's speculation. We don't know what the economy will be doing, what jobs will be in demand, what new industries might arise. People try and make the best decisions based on predictions, but it's still a gamble. Like going to class on a clear and sunny morning with out an umbrella, even though the weather station forecasted rain. You can't take it upon yourself, the stress of divining the unknown. That's not fair to you. It sounds like you are making good decisions by sticking it out in school and now that there are three semesters left, the burden is lifting just slightly. Every semester that passes, that burden will get lighter. And there has to be a college SOMEWHERE in this country that will accept you into grad school, even with an average GPA. I guess it depends how many places you are willing to apply to and how far away you are willing to travel. As for the after midterm meltdown, I would seriously consider talking to someone about Wellbutrin. It is an "upper" and I'm never heard of it having the reverse effect like you hear about all the time with the antidepressants. It is a very unique medication and helped me when none of the antidepressants did.

I am constantly fixated on the future and whether I will be able to support myself and the fear of homelessness. I told you a little of this before, but regularly, maybe every few months it gets so bad to the point where I am crippled by my anxiety and fear of the future. Completely fixated on it to the point where my abilities to function in all other areas are severely compromised. What I have been doing this week to get to sleep better is taking some xanax and cuddling up with one of those herbal microwavable heating pads. If you don't already, establish some before bed rituals that you will practice every night. It could be anything that brings you comfort, as long as it helps you chill the f*ck out. Getting a good nights rest and relaxing is really important in order to keep your brain functioning at high levels. Push yourself to do little things like up your water intake, eat well, go for a walk or do some physical thing. And be Italian about it, and everyday find joy in doing absolutely nothing for an hour a day. "Dolce far niente."

To conclude this long-winded and mostly unhelpful post...college is a *****. It's a cold, hard *****, and the majority of society is convinced that having a degree or multiple degrees are the only ways to monetary success. In part, this is true, but only because every one says it's true. We only need degrees because people have accepted a degree as adequate credentials to enter the work force. But this hasn't always been the case. I told you about the aptitude testing and how during the civil rights movement, a BA began to take the place of skill testing, in order to enter into most professions, because it was proposed that aptitude testing was discriminatory. Well university is discriminatory too but in more subtly realized ways. This of course, makes it hard to fight. Plus, 99% of the population has swallowed up the need for university degrees, hook, line and sinker.

On top of that, it sucks to feel that others think you haven't invested in your education because of average marks but they have NO idea of the emotional commitment it takes for people to struggle with school and anxiety to even go to class. They don't understand that it's an uphill battle, lugging your future behind you. The good news is that the people who know you get it, and they care and they know how it is.
So get your mind out of the future until there is a decision to be made. It seems like trying to up the GPA is good action to take for the time being. Obsessing about the future could hurt that goal, though so try and keep it cool.
 

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