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Pezza

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So here I am at the beginning of my road. I never really wanted to do this but the way my life is going, I'm gonna be dead by the end of the year so I've got to. I don't know where my road leads, I guess that's the beauty of it, but wherever it leads it's gotta be better than where I am now. For the moment I'm going to focus on giving up some bad habits, but when I'm well on my way I'll try and tackle my social anxiety and some other things.

I'm quitting alcohol. I've been drinking since I was 13. I don't have an addiction but this is still gonna be hard for me, but it's necessary because I've been told that at times I easily consume enough to kill. No person should be consuming vodka by the pint. I used to use alcohol to combat my anxiety, it will be interesting to see how I cope without it.

I'm quitting smoking. I've never smoked normal cigarettes, I never saw the appeal of a nicotine addiction, but I do enjoy cigars and I own a shisha called Dora which I enjoy smoking. I do smoke weed occasionally but I'm no pot head so giving up smoking shouldn't be too hard.

The hardest thing for me to give up is going to be my lifestyle, I'm always looking for something adventurous to do, normally it's dangerous or illegal or both, for example in December I crashed 2 cars in 3 weeks, I dont even have a car let alone a license, I should have died during the second crash; 90mph, no seatbelt and a faulty airbag. I do a lot of stupid things. I also hang out with "bad people" most of which are a lot older than me. It is going to be hard for me to stop, the adrenaline and danger have been what I live for. But I will stop I have no desire to be behind bars or 6 feet under by the age of 20.

This thread is going to be somewhat of a progress diary for me.
If you have anything you want to say feel free to post.

Step 1 Complete :)
 
I'm glad to read all this. I really want to see you succeed in doing this :D
 
Good luck my friend, I'm sure you can do it. Keep up the good work and let us know if you ever feel like giving up, we'll help you! :)
 
Adrenaline Junkie huh. Why don't you become an EMT? emergency medical technician or an ER Doctor? Those are adrenaline filled jobs. Firefighter? Police officer?

Hmm. You could become a skyscraper window washer!

A soldier? Jump out of airplanes and do secret missions!

Bouncer?

Spelunk for a hobby?



 
Pezza said:
So here I am at the beginning of my road. I never really wanted to do this but the way my life is going, I'm gonna be dead by the end of the year so I've got to. I don't know where my road leads, I guess that's the beauty of it, but wherever it leads it's gotta be better than where I am now. For the moment I'm going to focus on giving up some bad habits, but when I'm well on my way I'll try and tackle my social anxiety and some other things.

I'm quitting alcohol. I've been drinking since I was 13. I don't have an addiction but this is still gonna be hard for me, but it's necessary because I've been told that at times I easily consume enough to kill. No person should be consuming vodka by the pint. I used to use alcohol to combat my anxiety, it will be interesting to see how I cope without it.

I'm quitting smoking. I've never smoked normal cigarettes, I never saw the appeal of a nicotine addiction, but I do enjoy cigars and I own a shisha called Dora which I enjoy smoking. I do smoke weed occasionally but I'm no pot head so giving up smoking shouldn't be too hard.

The hardest thing for me to give up is going to be my lifestyle, I'm always looking for something adventurous to do, normally it's dangerous or illegal or both, for example in December I crashed 2 cars in 3 weeks, I dont even have a car let alone a license, I should have died during the second crash; 90mph, no seatbelt and a faulty airbag. I do a lot of stupid things. I also hang out with "bad people" most of which are a lot older than me. It is going to be hard for me to stop, the adrenaline and danger have been what I live for. But I will stop I have no desire to be behind bars or 6 feet under by the age of 20.

This thread is going to be somewhat of a progress diary for me.
If you have anything you want to say feel free to post.

Step 1 Complete :)

I walked away from a lifestyle very much like that about 20 years ago- if I'd stuck with it I wouldn't be here today. My life might not be perfect, it's had it's ups and downs but I'm happy to be here. I'm currently in the process of picking myself up and dusting off again and as enthusiastic as hell to be doing it.

For my adrenalin rush I started framing houses- some of the honeysuckle I've done scares most people stupid. You burn loads of energy, have a chance to be creative, and have a sense of accomplishment every day.

Congrats on that desire to change.
 
Something major happened this week.

It was about 2AM and I was trying to go to sleep, then the phone starts ringing so I pick up and it was a gendarme who I'm sorta friends with through familiarity. He told me that I wasn't being accused of anything but there had been a serious car crash a few minutes ago and he'd thought that I was involved. So he then had to hang up. I then started thinking that it was my best friends who had crashed because besides myself they're the only people who would joy ride in the snow. So I threw some clothes on and went to find out if it was them, the crash was on the opposite side of town so I ended up running about 5km, which was bloody hard, especially because it was -16 outside and there was ice everywhere. When I got there I realized how bad the crash was. When I saw the Twingo I knew who it was who'd died, they were 2 guys who were 16 and 17. Me and one of my best friends raced them a few times, we weren't really friends just acquaintances. Shortly after, a helicopter landed to take the driver of the people carrier to hospital, I then realized who he was as well. I stayed there and watched until everybody left. Then I walked home.

Some people are blaming me for their deaths because I apparently influenced them with my own joyriding. If it wasn't for me they'd still be alive. It wouldn't be so bad if the man who was taken by helicopter hadn't died shortly after. I completely lost it last night and tried to drink myself to death, but I passed out after a big bottle of gin and half a bottle of vodka. I really can't get over this. It's my fault that 4 kids are now fatherless.

It's just my luck really, I decide to sort my life out and then all this bullshit happens and I almost kill myself.

Sorry I had to vent.
 
Oh wow. In time of grief people will look to someone to blame. Just look at Micheal Jackson, people blame his doctor. Sure he gave him the drugs but it was Micheal who took them, in the end it was his decision to continue behaviour he knew would kill him. He once told Lisa Marie that he was going to die like her father (Elvis) did. Like tossing a pebble into a calm lake our actions have consequences.

Please don't do something foolish to yourself though. This is something you can learn from, like no more joy riding. You may feel responsible and on some level, honestly, there is some acceptance of this tragedy that you are very well aware of. Just remember though that they were very capable of making their own decision to joy ride or not. They took their own life in their hands as you have done. You did not force them to get behind the wheel and go joy riding. You can use this to do something positive, like speaking out against this type of dangerous behaviour or talking others out of it.

Btw what is a gendarme?

Oh and you could probably use one right now, so here's a hug.

(((HUG)))
 
I've done it again. I've got to leave yet another home and life and start again. A fresh start will do me the world of good but at the same time I'll be leaving my few friends and family here in France, I'll be completely lonely, jobless and homeless. I guess I'm going back to the UK, I'm not staying in France that's for sure. So many decisions ahead of me, I don't feel like I'm ready for all this.
 
Aww Pezza, I wish I could blow some good luck your way :(
 

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