The Importance of Physical Attractiveness

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Jesse

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I have seen a lot of people who are convinced that nobody would ever give them a chance in regards to dating based on their perception of how they look. I think that it is far past time to address this and get past this issue.

I was once nearly incapable of dating. This was because I had a horrible complex about my physical attractiveness. I was convinced that I was hideous, that my mere presence around women disgusted them purely based on how I looked. Because of this belief I concluded that it was pointless to even try to date or meet someone.

When most people talk about looks and attractiveness, the argument is generally that they either matter or they do not. We must look at this honestly and the truth is that both answers are correct to a certain extent.

Women and men are wired differently. We both have evolutionary instincts on what to look for physically in the other gender. This is hard coded into our brains on a subconscious level which helps determine reproductive health as well as other factors. I'm not going to go into great detail about this, but it has been scientifically shown that certain physical features have an impact on how people choose their mates.

Now, that being said, I have to stress that although what I said in the previous paragraph is true, the extent to which it is important is often hugely exaggerated. Yes, at the first glance a person will nearly instantly size you up on a scale of attractiveness subconsciously according to evolutionary cues, BUT this is not the sole defining factor of whether or not you can be successful in dating. In fact, I believe that compared to other things, this could be the least important aspect of dating success.

For one thing, society and culture has evolved. We aren't in the caveman days anymore. There are new things that have become important which override our ancient instincts of partner selection. There are billions of men and women in the world and it would be a major disadvantage to assume that each person operates on the same criteria for choosing a mate. There are so many other things to consider such as an individual's interests. We live in a time where what people are interested in outweigh their looks. Sure, the initial 20 second size up of a person will be based on looks whether consciously or unconsciously, but this is not a yes/no answer for dating selection. It may serve as initial interest, but that can be overridden instantly by an action as simple as a smile and saying hello.

We must not allow ourselves to be governed purely by the 20 second instincts that we have. If we do, we fall pray to our fears. We begin to think in black and white. We categorize ourselves into being datable or non-datable. This is one of the biggest mistakes you could ever make.

So how do we get over these fears? I advise anyone reading this to change what you can, accept what you can't. For instance, I once weighed 267 pounds. I didn't like this, so I worked towards losing weight. That is something I was able to change and I feel better about myself, but if you're worried about a physical feature that you have no control of, it is imperative that you quit worrying about it and accept who you are. Sure, there may be a person in the world that would not date you because of that, but we are completely wrong to proceed to blanket that across every other person that exists. That is what we do though and we must get over it. Change what you can, accept what you can't, and remember that each person is different.

Still, this does not address all of our fears. We have the fear of the unknown. We do not know if a person cares or doesn't care about a receding hair line and we worry about whether or not that person cares. Since we worry so much about it, we become paralyzed with fear which prevents us from even making an attempt to find out if that person cares. This is another huge mistake that keeps us lonely. It leads to avoidance behavior and never allowing a person to get to know us at all. In essence, we make the choice for the person. You must let them make the choice and that isn't going to happen if you never speak to them.

We still are fearful of what if. What if I do put myself out there and I find out that she doesn't like receding hair lines? What if she won't date me because of this? Well the answer to this fear is easy, but you must be willing to accept the answer. If she makes the choice that she won't date you or isn't interested in you because of your receding hair line, then she simply is not worth your time. Move on.

Of course it is often a lot more complicated than worrying about a single thing such as a receding hair line. I used to have several things that "disqualified" me from being datable. I worried about my glasses, my weight, the size of my privates, and the list goes on and on. What we must face is the fact that if someone is not interested in you for any of these reasons they are just not worth your time.

What should we really be concerned about then? Honestly, we should not concern ourselves at all with what the other person is looking for in a person. We need to think about what we are looking for in the other person. In this we must remind ourselves to look beyond the 20 second size up that we have of others. You may notice someone you are highly attracted to physically. The person may be the most beautiful person you have ever seen, but what is their personality like? You must look beyond what they look like and make it your goal to determine what kind of a person they are and what they are interested in. You need to make that your priority.

If you make it your priority to find someone with a good personality, what they look like will no longer impact your ability to approach them. I never used to be able to talk to the pretty girl, but now I can talk to whoever I want to talk to because I'm interested in who they are as a person. I now have the capability of initiating conversation with someone I find to be gorgeous. I also have the capability of walking away and forgetting about them as soon as I find out they're not the type of person I'm looking for. In addition to that, we must all be willing to talk to any person, whether we find them physically attractive or not. That initially unattractive person has the ability to become beautiful in your eyes once you discover how wonderful they are as a person. We can no longer trust our 20 second instincts. We must look beyond and that applies to how we view ourselves and the rest of the world.
 
Holy post Batman, I actually got through all of that!

It's true, our first impression is always the outward impression. I like to look deeper, for me someone has to have a caring personality and a sense of humour. If you don't have those then I don't care if you are Angelina Jolie or Michelle Pfeiffer. After that first impression fades it's what's running the wheel.
 
The truth is that I will always be geeky, nerdy, whatever. I can't change the fact that I wear glasses (can't wear contacts or get the surgery, because of health reasons), I can't change my feminized face...therefore, I have to embrace it.

It is possible to get a girl, even if you aren't the standard of beauty. Bill Gates did it. And that was before he was successful and rich, too! There are some girls that chase the unattractive guys...you just need to find them.
 
They always say "looks don't matter", but that's honeysuckle for most of the population. We ALL evaluate every single person we meet on first impressions. It's inevitable.

Looks start relationships, personality decides whether it continues or ends.
 
Ak5 said:
They always say "looks don't matter", but that's honeysuckle for most of the population. We ALL evaluate every single person we meet on first impressions. It's inevitable.

Looks start relationships, personality decides whether it continues or ends.

Looks don't exactly start relationships. I didn't start dating the person I'm with based on looks.

We do evaluate people instantly when we first see them, but we can't think that evaluation is what determines our dating eligibility. I mean, sure there are people out there who will judge you based almost entirely on your looks, but to make ourselves believe that every person in the world is going to do that is a mistake. Not only that, but if someone is going to judge you purely based on what you look like and not give you a chance at all because of that, then it's really not worth it to be with that person.

We just can't allow what we look like to dictate whether or not we approach someone.

VanillaCreme said:
20 second instincts?

Maybe 2-3 seconds. :p
 
I am unable to validate my looks. Sometimes I think I look great. Sometimes I think I am the ugliest man on the face of the earth.

This, coupled with the fact that sometimes I am a social butterfly, and sometimes I feel so creepy that I avoid people, tends to make people avoid ME.
 
Jesse said:
VanillaCreme said:
20 second instincts?

Maybe 2-3 seconds. :p

Still have not a single clue what second instinct is. I'll just guess that it's one of those stupid "rules" that people think they have to follow when it comes to being with someone. Something in a senseless dating book, perhaps? Something you can't really define for everyone, yet it's there... "If she doesn't tap dance while wearing a hat and shooting a gun in 5 seconds, she must not like me," kind of thing?

The only instinct you should worry about is how you feel. Out of everyone in this world, there can't possibly be a set way for anything.
 
It's hard to worry about how you feel, when you are obviously being ignored, Vanilla. You feel like there is something wrong with you.
 
VanillaCreme said:
Jesse said:
VanillaCreme said:
20 second instincts?

Maybe 2-3 seconds. :p

Still have not a single clue what second instinct is. I'll just guess that it's one of those stupid "rules" that people think they have to follow when it comes to being with someone. Something in a senseless dating book, perhaps? Something you can't really define for everyone, yet it's there... "If she doesn't tap dance while wearing a hat and shooting a gun in 5 seconds, she must not like me," kind of thing?

The only instinct you should worry about is how you feel. Out of everyone in this world, there can't possibly be a set way for anything.

No that's not what I'm talking about. I've learned in psychology that there are unconscious things that men and women notice about people's physical features. These biological cues can trigger sexual arousal unconsciously in either gender. There is no thinking involved in this, it's all automatic. I'm only trying to show the real extent of how much physical attractiveness matters. I'm trying to tell people that it doesn't matter as much as we worry it does, but I'm not saying looks don't matter at all, because scientifically they do. The thing is, it doesn't matter nearly as much as people think it does. It's a pretty minor thing that should never be thought of as what decides success in dating.

I'm not talking about this being a "rule" that people have to follow. In fact, what I'm trying to do is tell people that they don't have to follow some sort of rule when it comes to being with someone and they shouldn't assume that other people are doing the same thing to them. I completely agree with your last paragraph. I'm trying to make the same point.

Here's more information about biological mate selection-

http://serendip.brynmawr.edu/exchange/node/1722
 
There's something wrong with all of us. Someone would be lying if they said there wasn't anything - not a single thing - wrong with them.

Ah, Jesse, I get it now. I didn't notice anything physical about my dude though, so I didn't even take that into consideration.
 
VanillaCreme said:
There's something wrong with all of us. Someone would be lying if they said there wasn't anything - not a single thing - wrong with them.

Ah, Jesse, I get it now. I didn't notice anything physical about my dude though, so I didn't even take that into consideration.

Yeah none of us are perfect, we just need to accept ourselves and realize there are plenty of people out there who will like us for who we are no matter what. If we have that attitude we can be less fearful about talking to new people. :)
 
LeaningIntoTheMuse said:
But how can you have that outlook, when you see other people living the life that you wish you had?

Why do you care what other people have? Do you.
 
VanillaCreme said:
LeaningIntoTheMuse said:
But how can you have that outlook, when you see other people living the life that you wish you had?

Why do you care what other people have? Do you.

Do I what?

Of course I care about what other people have. It's what I want, and can't seem to get.
 
LeaningIntoTheMuse said:
VanillaCreme said:
LeaningIntoTheMuse said:
But how can you have that outlook, when you see other people living the life that you wish you had?

Why do you care what other people have? Do you.

Do I what?

Of course I care about what other people have. It's what I want, and can't seem to get.

"Do you" means to worry about yourself. Look where wishing to have what others seem to have has gotten you... The grass may seem greener on the other side, but you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Put that much effort into yourself and you can achieve what you want.
 
LeaningIntoTheMuse said:
Do I what?

Of course I care about what other people have. It's what I want, and can't seem to get.

One of the first things you have to do is realize that any past experience of failure must be disregarded. Each day is a new day and each new person you meet has no idea of your past. You can have a what other people have- you can have an awesome relationship. You can have companionship and love, just as much as anyone else can, but you have to start looking at things differently. You must BELIEVE that it is possible for you to be successful. If you don't, you'll only chain yourself to loneliness. You can be free of it. I would love to talk to you through pm's if you would like. I will do everything I can to help you and I won't stop because I believe in you. So please, feel free to talk to me privately if you would like. I would love to help give you advice.
 
VanillaCreme said:
"Do you" means to worry about yourself. Look where wishing to have what others seem to have has gotten you... The grass may seem greener on the other side, but you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Put that much effort into yourself and you can achieve what you want.

Fair enough.

I've gotten to the point where I don't even care about girls anymore. I'd rather be alone.

Maybe someone will come along that will change that view. But right now, I just want to make new friends and do well in school. That's it.
 
LeaningIntoTheMuse said:
VanillaCreme said:
"Do you" means to worry about yourself. Look where wishing to have what others seem to have has gotten you... The grass may seem greener on the other side, but you have no idea what goes on behind closed doors. Put that much effort into yourself and you can achieve what you want.

Fair enough.

I've gotten to the point where I don't even care about girls anymore. I'd rather be alone.

Maybe someone will come along that will change that view. But right now, I just want to make new friends and do well in school. That's it.

I don't believe that you don't care about girls anymore. I think you're trying to convince yourself that to ease the pain of loneliness. I can't say I'm right, but I know that I used to do that and sounded a lot like you.

Making new friends is a great way to find a girlfriend. One of the best things you can do is learn to talk to women you're interested in at least a general manner, like you would with anyone else. Make it a point to talk to women you're interested in and find out what they are into. Don't think of it as trying to be what they might like. Think of it as trying to see if they're what you like. If you decide you like them, then ask her out. Be up front about it. Women respond a lot better if you act like that, rather than be scared to death trying to make sure they'll like you.
 

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