Emotional Dependency

I can't spell so I'm not sure if dependency is spelt correctly. Okay my question is what are your thought on getting emtionally attached? .. I know it might be a strange question.. if you are thinking that the obvious answer is that in all relationahips we get emotionally attched then at least I'm not alone in what I thought.

Anyway I know someone who doesn't believe in getting emotionally attched and they live a pretty happy life (they say). They do sports and the person is very social but their friends change every so often. Thing is though when you get into certain relationships shouldn't it be okay to become emtionally dependent or is it always a bad thing?

I really would like to hear what other people think; when is it okay to become emtionally dependant on someone? is it ever okay or always ill-advised, is it ever a good thing? how dependant is unhealthy? Lol

Your spelling seems fine to me Jales
In all relationships there is some level of emotional attachment. The only difference is which emotions a person evokes, and also the degree to which such feelings are tapped.

Hmm as to the second part of your post Jales... I think that person just isn't identifying with their feelings and their own emotional attachments... and perhaps because they go through so many friends being highly social, they form attachments often that are not entirely substantial... more a large gathering of acquaintances than true friends. So this person can attach and detach with ease... I think this is a strong feature in socialites. While they may change friends often, usually these people do have a couple constants or "emotional anchors" in their life though such as siblings, parents, grand parents, other relatives, or one or two very close friends that they do form very strong emotional attachments with.

There is a quote, though I can't seem to find it online and I can't recall the author, that goes something like this:

"Don't let anyone become your everything because if you lose them you'll have nothing."

I think it is only you that can decide if you become attached to someone or not... that being said though I think, more often than not, it is by their words or actions that this attachment forms over time, so just because you decide doesn't necessarily mean you'll have power over your heart

Just try to remember that quote above though, and hold yourself back from becoming 100% attached unless they have honestly earned and proven such love will be returned.

As far as the depth of dependence... most couples seem to become dependent on various levels and for many different things. I think in healthy relationships both members of the relationship seem to retain some degree of their own identity and independence. This not only protects you from absolute loss of self, but also ensures that you keep something of yourself that your significant other should appreciate, respect, and even perhaps love. Just my opinion

I get confused about this also. One thing I'm learning and trying to practice is how to have healthy boundaries. Not easy if you never did it before.

I just try to make sure I keep in my own space and respect others. If you are starting out in a new relationship this is so important. You don't want to get too close too fast it could scare someone away.

Sounds like you friend does what works for him. But everyone is different. Maybe he doesn't need to get too close to anyone. I know that by keeping a distance there's less risk involved. But it may feel too shallow to others who want a closer rel.

Being dependent on anyone or anything , at least as an adult may not be always healthy. Knowing you can rely on someone to be your friend in time of need is diff. But to be emmeshed to the point where you don't know where you end and the other starts , is probably sick.

I think it depends on how the other person handles it. If he/she forces you to cut off everyone else in your life, then it is unhealthy. Some people who were treated badly in the past tend to have this habit it seems...I think that in order to avoid getting set up for emotional dependency, you really have to work at creating your own social circle and a sense of self-confidence.

I actually kind of like it if I'm dating a girl and she becomes emotionally dependent on me. I mean if she weren't affected when I didn't call or when I'm away, I would wonder if she even liked me that much. However I know I would never abuse that relationship between us because I'd never ask her to do something unreasonable like go against a friend or drop everything and elope with me.

Changing the topic just a little.
I'm sort of convinced that as humans the reason some of us get depressed and all that is that we are missing something. Not sure what that something is. What I mean is that dependency on something 'anything' in general doesn't seem to be unnatural or wrong at all. I mean it actually seems to be the 'human' way; I mean we are all dependent upon food, and fine with that.

So my question is what is it that we lack..? I think I asked this in another thread called 'GOD!'. I guess it may be a lot of things.. that make up a balanced life. Like exersise, or for the people here social-relations. Not sure..

What do you'll think it is that we lack. I ask here because I think that I am just about as 'emotionally attached' to this site as can be. If I'm stressed out I find a computer and after an hour I'm GOOD! I do feel like an addict; yes. But the point is could what we lack be as simple as emotional attachments? i donno..

So my question is what is it that we lack..? I think I asked this in another thread called 'GOD!'.
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Now this is just my opinion jales..but I think that 'what' each person lacks (or needs) is going to be as personal or as different as the individual involved.
But as a whole of mankind..I think people are searching for answers. Perhaps more so than ever before. Some look to science..while others towards religion and/or GOD to find those answers.
Now.. if you'd had ask me what I need..I'd say the truth. I want to find the truth.. especially in reference to GOD. Which is probably why I am so into archeaology. The worst thing for me is to have lived and died without getting any of my questions answered. It would seem to me such a waste!
And as far as being attached to your computer..that's normal for these times. Especially if you find a safe..happy place to reside in.

I'm writting an essay on Catullus at the moment and I thought this might be apporpriate in this thread because it is about emotional attachment...or maybe more like emotional addiction.

"Now that I know you, I burn for you even more fiercely,
though I regard you as almost utterly worthless,
How can that be, you ask? It's because such cruelty forces
lust to assume the shruken place of affection."

"To such a state have I been brought by your mischief,
my Lesbia, and so completely ruined by my devotion,
that I couldn't think kindly of you if you did the best only,
no cease to love, even if you should do -- everything."

"I hate & love. And if you asked how I can do both, I couldn't say; but I feel it and it shivers me."

"I hate & love. And if you asked how I can do both, I couldn't say; but I feel it and it shivers me."
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Makes sense...
Love and hate...the two strongest emotions in the world..
and I guess that's why they say there's a fine line between them.

Arianna said:

So my question is what is it that we lack..? I think I asked this in another thread called 'GOD!'.

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Now this is just my opinion jales..but I think that 'what' each person lacks (or needs) is going to be as personal or as different as the individual involved.
But as a whole of mankind..I think people are searching for answers. Perhaps more so than ever before. Some look to science..while others towards religion and/or GOD to find those answers.
Now.. if you'd had ask me what I need..I'd say the truth. I want to find the truth.. especially in reference to GOD. Which is probably why I am so into archeaology. The worst thing for me is to have lived and died without getting any of my questions answered. It would seem to me such a waste!
And as far as being attached to your computer..that's normal for these times. Especially if you find a safe..happy place to reside in.
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God and science are not equal, because they really have nothing to do with each other. One is about observing and testing, one is about faith. Looking to science for spiritual guidance is silly or looking to science to get how all things began also silly. But also looking to a book that was written a long time ago a bit silly. Because people just dont know. And to think the people of the past knew absolutely more when we were even more primative seems off. I think a big thing we need to get is we just dont know somethings, and we really need to learn to be okay with that.

Big Bang theory is just a reset of the universe when you think about it.
ps dont mean to offend I just cant resist this topic.
as for whats missing to me its everything I want it all. I would fill myself with every desire had I the capability. Look at dictators.

I think there is truth in over attachment or clinginess being unhealthy. Indeed, large chunks of Buddhist philosophy are devoted to the practices of non-attachment and impermanence. I’ve tried it, am still trying it – it is extremely liberating, but i’m just not giving it the time it deserves at the moment, because of circumstances. I think i’m starting to realise though, that Buddhist non-attachment isn’t as i first imagined, and it’s easy to get wrong. I think the basic idea is truth; looking deeply into the nature of all things, the things that cause feelings of attachment. And the more you think deeply about these things, the roots of your feelings, the human qualities of attachment, what makes us tick and so on; the more you are supposed to reach a higher perspective and have more even emotions.

Some people seem to have non-attachment nailed, they are very social and, with their carefree nature, seem to make friends easily. Maybe they have a good attitude to life, but maybe some don’t too. It’s no good being a social animal if they’re not willing to be compassionate, and give time to people. Although they may have a busy, fun life, they will still feel as empty as people who don’t have many friends. And this is all too common isn’t it?

As to whether humans are missing something – well, in a sense, i think we are. We have become disconnected existentialists. Disconnected from the earth, ourselves and our communities, and pondering the meaning of life in our cold gigantic universe. In my opinion to understand the self shouldn’t involve feeding the ego with impermanent identities (which is what capitalism and consumerism does), but to understand ourselves in relation to our environment. This means putting other people, the land and the animals around us first, and us second. This is of course dreamland, we are so far away from this it seems. And global forces want to keep us firmly thinking about ourselves first.

oh my God I get way too emotinally attached to friends, they just make me so happy and they are so cool.

I love hanging out with them

"friendss" being in the past tense

i always wondered about this one i think i am emotionally dependant on my best friend as we tend to hang out a lot together always there for each other and i feel if i ever lose him i wont be able to cope without them is this healthy then.

I dont like going out on my own either so we tend to do a lot of things together ie shopping,etc.. but we retain are own space in the evening being on our own.

big difference between emotional attachment & emotional dependence

I try not to depend on anyone anymore. If you can't depend on yourself, and I know that I can't, how can you expect to rely on anyone else?

And yes, I know that this means that everything is in a way, superficial. And the entire concept of trust becomes illusionary. Giving compassion, too, becomes more difficult as you can't expect compassion from anyone else ever and every attachment feels dangerous.

Unfortunately, its seems to be the most realistic place to work from these days, at least in my life.

Well, at least you can rely on hate, if not love. There's a saying: "Friends come and go, but enemies are forever." If there's any real permance, I think its somewhat heartening to know that someone who wants your guts now, will probably still want it(or at least your spleen) five years from now.

IgnoredOne said:

I try not to depend on anyone anymore. If you can't depend on yourself, and I know that I can't, how can you expect to rely on anyone else?

And yes, I know that this means that everything is in a way, superficial. And the entire concept of trust becomes illusionary. Giving compassion, too, becomes more difficult as you can't expect compassion from anyone else ever and every attachment feels dangerous.

Unfortunately, its seems to be the most realistic place to work from these days, at least in my life.

Well, at least you can rely on hate, if not love. There's a saying: "Friends come and go, but enemies are forever." If there's any real permance, I think its somewhat heartening to know that someone who wants your guts now, will probably still want it(or at least your spleen) five years from now.

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Thats the woman I want to marry

IgnoredOne said:

Well, at least you can rely on hate, if not love. There's a saying: "Friends come and go, but enemies are forever." If there's any real permance, I think its somewhat heartening to know that someone who wants your guts now, will probably still want it(or at least your spleen) five years from now.

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Their hate will also still be damaging them more than the person who is the object it. When we hate, it tears us up inside, creating imbalance and unease. It's satisfying to face an enemy, still fraught with anger or hatred for you, having let go of all your negative feelings towards them. That can annoy them, because while they've been stewing, you appear to have been tranquil and happy.

Indigo Is Blue said:

Their hate will also still be damaging them more than the person who is the object it. When we hate, it tears us up inside, creating imbalance and unease. It's satisfying to face an enemy, still fraught with anger or hatred for you, having let go of all your negative feelings towards them. That can annoy them, because while they've been stewing, you appear to have been tranquil and happy.

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Well, you have to admit that there's something deeply satisfying about destroying someone's happiness, if you feel that person deserves it. Its also a lot easier to accomplish most of the time and much more readily acknowledged by the target. Insofar as satisfaction/reinforcement/repetition, its not that hard to see why its such an easy relationship to maintain.

The opposite, trying to make someone happy, is fraught with difficulty, often not acknowledge by the target, and in my experience, not easy to reinforce.

Maintaining my love for someone tends to be incredibly and amazing painful in my life. Maintaining ill will and anger, on the other hand, is not only very predictable(an enemy will hurt me), but also is often rewarding.

IgnoredOne said:

Well, you have to admit that there's something deeply satisfying about destroying someone's happiness, if you feel that person deserves it. Its also a lot easier to accomplish most of the time and much more readily acknowledged by the target. Insofar as satisfaction/reinforcement/repetition, its not that hard to see why its such an easy relationship to maintain.

The opposite, trying to make someone happy, is fraught with difficulty, often not acknowledge by the target, and in my experience, not easy to reinforce.

Maintaining my love for someone tends to be incredibly and amazing painful in my life. Maintaining ill will and anger, on the other hand, is not only very predictable(an enemy will hurt me), but also is often rewarding.

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I admit that, for some people, there can be something deeply satisfying in destroying someone's happiness, while merely satisfying for others and other variants.

We are programmed that way; to be highly competitive and motivated to beat opponents. This behaviour originated in the primate world, and was complicated as we developed consciousness and emotions.

Tied into this is status. Deep down we enjoy being elevated in status. Even if our intelligence tries to rationalise it and temper it, again, it's something that we are programmed to feel. And, naturally, feeling satisfaction from the misfortune of others is there also, even if it is sometimes well hidden.

Desire and craving for things that we perceive will bring us happiness and well-being, is also a part of our programming. Whether they bring us happiness or not, the goal is to get things. Others not getting things, for some people, is satisfying, while for others it feels unsettling. It depends on the person, but the possibility for satisfaction and more, is there.

The question is, are we happy being a chimpanzees, or can we strive from more? Many people see that humans can escape their primitive past - scientists, the religious, philosophers. And while a different path is known, it becomes difficult for some people to return to a baser level.

But you are right, "maintaining ill will and anger..", part of our innate programming, is easy to follow and accomplish. Why bother doing anything else when we do what comes naturally so well? Happiness and peace, can be quite a struggle really, especially when dealing with so many selfish agendas. It's a good question, and one i'm not sure i can answer for you. We all have our own paths to follow.

I tend to feel that i do myself more harm than good by maintaining anger and ill-will. Being freed from these feelings is liberating for me, when it happens. It helps to realise that most people are suffering from delusions, stemming from another primate innovation, our egos. Our sense of self is incredibly strong, which leads us into wrong thinking about all sorts of things; anything and everything. Try to dent an identity or ego, and up pops the delusion. Most of the time, when people get angry with someone, it isn't because they really want to hurt that person, it's because they want to defend their ego. The challenge to their ego has made them get that way. But i'm not saying i have found a stable path, far from it, i'm trying, but it's difficult - the ego hangs on for dear life, for one thing! And i'm not quite ready also. But i do see a happier way, a better way than the primate, so that's why i'll go for it.

wow those are some good thoughts iib

over the last few years I have finnally devolped a sense of pride and ego that I didn't really have before for some reason, but it has changed the way I deal with conflict, you ever notice how frustrating it is when other person refuses to lose the argument or let ot go.

Like playing chicken 2 cars driving towards eachother at breakneck speed saving both your lives you swerve out of the way, then they dis on you calling you a chicken, ***** I just saved your life I going to f*ing stab you in r eye.

okay thats random but it's how i feel a lot I'm sick of always backing down I just want to kick them in their crotch or uterus.

tehehe

Indigo Is Blue, though I find agreement with you difficult at times, I must compliment you for your articulate points and sheer eloquence in communicating them. Well said.