Ashamed of my past

Anyone else here sort of feels the same way? My childhood was so dysfunctional and full of, well, problems. I don't wanna say hate, but I do dislike all my family except my mom. In fact, these days I use my middle name, while back then everybody called me by my first name. This is how much I renounce my former life, it was simply full of bad things and negativity.

For that reason, I don't talk about my past with people. Whenever I get questions about it, I give vague generic answers or I change the subject. I'm not sure how to deal with it in the distant future, in case I'll ever marry for example. What would my future wife think if she sees that I basically don't have family? My ******* brother lives his life far away, I'm estranged with my father, and I have broken contact with my relatives. My mom is the only one I still have contact with, and that is because of the economic support she gives me.

So I don't know how to deal with it once it'll catch up to me. It's far beyond repair, and yet, I gotta deal with it somehow

No, there are things I'm ashamed of but my past as a whole, not at all.

Some people are good people because of their upbringing, some people are despite it. Be proud of who you are given the problems you've overcome.

Yes, I know this sort of thing well. Ashamed is very accurate way to describe it. As for me, there is no contact with my family and I avoid very much to say more than this.

I think, far as if you get a wife goes... the right person should not care too much about such things and value you for who you are in present and not past. In any case, best of luck to you

But the past is just that... past. Can you really blame yourself for everything that has happened back then? I am sure that's not true. Perhaps what you could do is find a way to not feel any anger or sadness towards your family, to forgive them. Although I don't know your situation so I am just putting it out there. Sometimes it's better to let go of those bad feelings for your own sake.

you know I'm in the same boat My mom is the only person talking to me...my sister dad step family etc...dont want me around them...I"m consider the black sheep due to health issues and disability...I was thrown out in the street too..almost became homeless....It took years and talking with my mom and still trying to repair a relationship with her.

My sister lies about not spending holidays xmas and thanksgiving etc with my dad ...and only my dad and step family went to her wedding as me and my mom and step dad was left out..

I totally understand the left out part.

I feel left out with my family too....I'm looking forward to your response on how to deal with it too

It's not that I actively hate them or wish bad upon the ones back home, I don't harbor any malice towards them anymore. Whatever happens to them I don't care. I just don't want anything to do with them or my past, because it's been so full of crap, really. I don't even talk about where I grew up, and my friends only know about me from the time that I arrived here in the new place. I have spoken very little about my past.

I dunno, my past isn't something I want to divulge to anyone, even my closest friends don't know too much. To them I just give generic responses, painting a generic childhood for them.

I haven't even shown them any pictures of myself as a young boy, I don;t even have any pictures left in my computer. This has been quite an obstacle for me, I don't let people get too close to me

To the above poster, I wasn't cast out of my family like you. I myself chose to leave, and there wasn't any ill-will from the part of my relatives. The break off was pretty one-sided actually. Just, yeah, I'm not too happy with how my life started

How about you change the word ''ashamed'' to something like ''moved on '' ''chose better''
Crappy chilhoods make us who we are today lol , and it gives us the motivation to not have it happen again. Some people will stay in that environment and reproduce the lifestyle. You got out, thats a good thing. I wouldnt worry about talking about it, you dont have to. Someday someone will ask questions, if this person is worth beeing part of your life, you may feel safe enough to tell her a few things. I myself have shared the usual bullshit that happens in bad families... the rest is only shared with my therapist.

same here nuff said:club:

I can definitely sympathize. At least the past is over, and in my opinion not necessary to get to know someone now. That's why I just don't talk about the upleasant things, act as though they never happened, and try to move on with my life. What's happening now is all that matters anyways I guess.

whispers said:

How about you change the word ''ashamed'' to something like ''moved on '' ''chose better''
Crappy chilhoods make us who we are today lol , and it gives us the motivation to not have it happen again. Some people will stay in that environment and reproduce the lifestyle. You got out, thats a good thing. I wouldnt worry about talking about it, you dont have to. Someday someone will ask questions, if this person is worth beeing part of your life, you may feel safe enough to tell her a few things. I myself have shared the usual bullshit that happens in bad families... the rest is only shared with my therapist.

Click to expand...

I think it'd be the opposite actually, the more I like someone the less I wanna let her in on my past. And yeah, I have moved on. But recently I've gotten more and more uncomfortable questions about my past. If I could just make it disappear that would be great but I can't

I have just one thing I did that I'm ashamed of ..and it does make me ashamed of my past...it was a personal choice however..so that makes me responsible for it.Regret just doesn't fix the wrongs.If only I had a time machine...

I have no relationship with my mother, and my dad is dead. When people ask me why I do not talk to my mother I just say the communication we had was very unhealthy and that is why I chose to stop speaking her. That normally ends the conversation.

parents can be hurtful sometimes.

my dad, despite being the first male, and chinese, has always treated me like trash.
He has never said a word to me to this day that is not forced, or is not in the form of yelling. he hates my guts even as a kid.
its not that he hates kids. he treats my sister like a jewel. I sometimes wondered about my true origins that would make sense of my situation.

everyone could see and not understand the discrimination. and was blatantly told by adults around me while i was growing up.

My mom on the other hand, tries to make up for it.

but it all gets so out of hand sometimes... when situations get worse, communication and relationships get out of hand.
I'm ashamed to say that I have made my mother cry on several occurrences... but her weapon is the guilt trip.

At times its hard to show my face to anyone cuz I feel trapped in my own home.. stuck in my room. I would take any opportunity to leave. but I have hardly any friends - when I actually could afford to go out...

But I've had a lot of time to soak in my situation. and accepted the honesty and truth of it all...
I dont think I would be able to make it without the silent, supportive hand I had from my mom along the way.

I can relate due to my past I don't even feel like I am a person. I can't function like one most of the time besides the breathing/eating/sleeping part.

The past comes to my mind every day, many times....my past is part of my present. I don't really know how to "exorcise" the seemingly haunting way of it, either. Regret is the emotion I feel about my past.
If you make any progressive moves in the matter Elyseon, let me know, OK?

Shameful isn't the right word.
I like the person I am. I hated the person I was.
Sometimes I hate the person I can be. It's a constant battle.
My family was loving, my upbringing war normal. But when you have a dark side, it's sometimes hard to push away.
So yeah, I know what you mean.
But, you know, every day, every morning, you push the monster away. It's one more victory in the long war ahead.