Im not sure what this would go in, but I need help pinpointing my issues

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warewolf95

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Ok guys. First post. Please bear with me as it is going to be a long one

All my life Ive been a normal kid, not a loner, not a loser, nothing wrong with me. But ever since 1st or 2nd grade up until 8th and 9th grade, I was picked on and made fun of for no reason and was always ignored. I have several close friends and only now as a junior in highschool do I manage to have more than 2 or 3 real friends.

Because of all the abuse I am very very shy, although you may not realize it. Around my friends, even the girls in our group, im very open and try very very hard to not be left out. But then when im by myself in a class without any other friends and I meet a girl, the first that ever said hi to me first, I cant even muster the courage to say anything to her other than "hello" even though I am dying to know her better.

I am 16, turning 17 next month and live with my parents. I have two older sisters, 22 and 24, that both no longer live at home. For as much as I love them, they always would inadvertantly gang up on me or pick on me, albeit friendly, which still made me even more self-conscious. I get upset very easy because im very self-conscious and VERY easily offended/hurt. I cant stand parties and large social gatherings. Im not anti-social, I just love my alone time. Im at school with friends all day, I dont feel the need to always have to hang out with them after school or on weekends. Hell, most summers, Ill only see on or two of my friends 2 or 3 times MAX.

I dont know why, but ever since i was little, ive absorbed random useless info and had weird, but not bad, obsessions. I remember in 4th and 5th grade I had a serious random obsession with the comic Peanuts. I bought myself some books about Charles Schultz and remember being told by my teacher to stop reading at recess and go play. Ive never fit in anywhere.

Middle school was HORRIBLE. Due to a crappy administration I was suspeneded 3 times in one year for defending myself from bullies, and the 4th time I was suspended was because a kid was calling me names, so I hit him with a dull pencil, but i hit a freakin artery and, just like a movie, blood started spraying everywhere. *facepalm*

Im not violent. Im not athletic. I mostly keep to myself. Im not a depressive anti-social person that wants the world to burn blah blah blah.
I just feel like I dont belong in this life or soemthing.

END OF PART 1. Let me type part 2 please. :(

PART 2

When I was 8 or 9 I got a 15 dollar gift certificate to WalMart for my birthday. I went with my mom and saw something that caught my eye. It was the ACDC Family Jewels DVD that has all their promo clips on it. I bought it and brought it home. My mom skeptically allowed me to buy it (Im assuming because of the title, which I didnt understand until a year later).
I devoured it and became obsessed with ACDC to the point that I literally bought all their albums and dvds and books and became a fanatic. My 4th grade teacher even had a conference with my mom because she was concerned about all the logos and pictures of ACDC I would draw in class.

Follow that with The Ramones in 5th grade and Skynyrd and Iron Maiden in 6th and 7th. I was obsessed with music and didnt know how or why. I love everything from Bob Dylan, Megadeth and Frank Sinatra to Slayer, Kasabian and The MArshall Tucker Band

When I discover an artist or topic of any kind I read and watch everything I can about it quite literally becoming an encyclopedia on the topic.

I collect bootlegs and started collecting myself vinyl when I was 9. My parenst had absolutely no influence on any of this and I am NOT from a musical family at all. My mom gets mad that I waste my money on vinyl, lol. I adore Frank Zappa and The Smashing Pumpkins and my first concert was Foo Fighters on their Echoes Silence PAtience Grace tour in 2008 in Pensacola. Still havent gotten round to McCartney, lol

When my oldest sister was a teen she briefly "played" guitar. Out of curiosity I found her crappy old electric and would strum it upside down unplugged for a year. Im left handed. I couldnt do anything and didnt know how to do anything but somehow managed to play along to all the 60's Stones albums like Out Of Our Heads, Aftermath, etc.

Somehow, a year or two later, I could comprehend what I was doing, but I still dont get theory at all. Now im the best guitarist in my school with a band called As Is Now after the Paul Weller album. How did all this happen?

It feels like im in limbo, because ive accomplished so much but have noone that cares about me. No girl has ever flirted with me and Im very quiet and afraid to speak alot of the time, always dreaming someone will walk up to ME instead. Im fine with my friends but only because ive gotten to know them over a very long period.

I dont hang out with people and my parents think im a recluse. Im not. It simply bores me to waste my time doing things I dont want to do with others. I believe I have really bad social anxiety but am too scared to ask my parents for help as my mom has bi-polar and my dad doesnt believe that drugs/help can help and thinks mental disorders dont exist.

Hell, most days, I come home from school and pop on a video bootleg, like an Oasis concert or something, and have more fun with that than I would hanging with any friends.

I write my own music am obsessed with it. My walls are covered with music posters, I have dvd bootlegs all over the place, my 160gb ipod is ful with 21,000 songs (no lie!) I have to have all the best shows from every tour by the artists I like, blahdy blahdy blah....

I dont know whats wrong with me. Like, I feel like im in a state of limbo or something. Im a B student tho I can easily make As. I just hate school and find it a waste of time when I could be playing music and working towards a career performing it. Ive acquiesced to going to college but still am not enthused about it. Plus I hate where I live. I feel so out of place....:( Like, Im not picked on, but noone ever notices me or goes out of their way to be friendly to me, etc. Its all so hard to explain.

Music Is my life and my dreams and without it Id have no interest in anything. I LITERALLY have NO other interest of any kind (besides girls of course ;) ) Its like, if im home Im listening to music. If im not listening im watching. If im not watching im reading. If im not reading im playing guitar along to some bootleg etc etc etc... I mean, on an average day, Ill listen to 10 to 14 albums ranging from soft rock to jazz to death metal.

Im really sorry for the huge post but there's nowhere else I can tell all this :(
 
I can relate. Middle School was honeysuckle for me as well. Although I wasn't bullied I spent all those 3 years sitting alone, going through class each day as a zombie, not speaking to anyone, no friends at all. I too had violent outbursts. Now I'm homeschooled (by personal choice) still no friends, but will be returning to school my Junior year in an attempt to finally be "normal". Hey, I spend all my time alone; you're not the only one.

Don't worry about being self-conscious, it's quite normal. And who cares if you're into weird stuff? I'm into medicine, law, and astrophysics! A 16 year old who loves to learn, who would have guessed? People not accepting you because of your hobbies is ridiculous. If it makes you happy, do whatever the fresia you like to do.

And here's the thing: Don't wait for people to come to you, you open up to people. They'll see you as outgoing and friendly, thus higher chances of them liking you and increasing your network of people.

Lol, I want to have a girlfriend as well (one of the primary reasons I'm excited about going back to school). :p
 
Ak5 said:
I can relate. Middle School was honeysuckle for me as well. Although I wasn't bullied I spent all those 3 years sitting alone, going through class each day as a zombie, not speaking to anyone, no friends at all. I too had violent outbursts. Now I'm homeschooled (by personal choice) still no friends, but will be returning to school my Junior year in an attempt to finally be "normal". Hey, I spend all my time alone; you're not the only one.

Don't worry about being self-conscious, it's quite normal. And who cares if you're into weird stuff? I'm into medicine, law, and astrophysics! A 16 year old who loves to learn, who would have guessed? People not accepting you because of your hobbies is ridiculous. If it makes you happy, do whatever the fresia you like to do.

And here's the thing: Don't wait for people to come to you, you open up to people. They'll see you as outgoing and friendly, thus higher chances of them liking you and increasing your network of people.

Lol, I want to have a girlfriend as well (one of the primary reasons I'm excited about going back to school). :p

No, but see, even when Im open to people it still doesnt matter. And I never had violent outbursts ever, just that one time that dick and the pencil....lol...

But, people dont make fun of me for my hobbies at all, i just completely dont fit with anything and so I always feel very much on the outside looking in I guess. I mean, I dont even listen to the radio because its all honeysuckle and I never know what anyones talking about so im always kinda left out. Like, I cant contribute.... Im not depressed and dont have depression but...I dont know. I dont know. I feel like I have issues of some kind but have no idea what specifically you would call them ITs like a clusterfuck of things together. Not being particularly attractive doesnt help much either, lol. I didnt ever even have a friend that was a girl until this year. I mean, what the fresia is wrong with me. I feel like my existance is a big "?".
 
Ak5 said:
You're probably an introvert. Do you feel that way?

I definitely dont go around putting myself on the spot. I hate speaking in front of groups of people and am definitely not a leader. I think I probably am an introvert. Im always thinking about stuff constantly. Im definitely one people look to for guidance, unless they need help with something music-related. One of my best friends had a thanksgiving get together at his place and we all came (about 20 of us) and had dinner and hung out and stuff. Some of us brought our instruments and whatnot to jam. I tolerated and did my best to not be a downer but I can only take being social so much. After we ate, most of us went upsatiars to watch a movie or do other stuff, but stayed downstairs the rest of the night content to be by myself just sitting alone strumming my guitar. Noone ever asked what I was doing so... idk...I felt bad about it though and apologized a few times to Louis (the partythrower) but hes a good friend and he understands. So, I guess, you could say im an introvert. When im around people I get very anxious and unsetteld and often feel slightly sick from nerves. :(

Also, idk if it helps any, but my IQ i was told was in the 130s and im a "gifted" student although I never feel like it. Im never motivated at all to do very good and am content to simply pass let alone get As. My parents are always pushing me, but the more they push the less I try. That aspect is a big part of my life so I figured I should mention that
 
Nothing wrong with being an introvert. It's all a matter of personal preference.

Yeah, I've always been a "gifted" student as well. My parents always push me, since they are both college grads and place extreme importance on education. You should study more, get into a good college. I spend most of my time studying lol.
 
Ak5 said:
Nothing wrong with being an introvert. It's all a matter of personal preference.

Yeah, I've always been a "gifted" student as well. My parents always push me, since they are both college grads and place extreme importance on education. You should study more, get into a good college. I spend most of my time studying lol.

Thats all fine and dandy, but I just cant do it. Like, everytime i just end up going "why bother?" and just fuckin do something else. I wish I cared but I just dont. I have no idea what I would even go to college for. But back to the topic - do I have issues? What do you think my isues might be? There's something a bit...off, I always feel like.
 
What subjects you good at? Focus on a career there?

Anyway, you don't have issues; you're an introvert. You prefer being alone! You're probably thinking there's something wrong with you because you want to be "normal" like everyone else, but in reality everyone is different. You're an introvert, you'e happy being with yourself.
 
Ak5 said:
What subjects you good at? Focus on a career there?

Anyway, you don't have issues; you're an introvert. You prefer being alone! You're probably thinking there's something wrong with you because you want to be "normal" like everyone else, but in reality everyone is different. You're an introvert, you'e happy being with yourself.

Well if thats the case, it sure has messed with my head. Im too shy to talk to people i dont know, a girl finally talks to me and I cant look her in the eye, i mean, I think I have really bad social anxiety too.

Like I said above, I honestly dont have any interest besides music. All I want to do is get up on stage and play for people as impossible as it seems (kinda contradictory to the whole social anxiety thin, i know).
 
I know they're not, but everything is a giant combined problem-of-sorts and I dont have any idea how to start fixing it. There's lots of little things that equal this greater whole of whatever you would call my life.
 

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