My issues, what do they mean?

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

tusk

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 14, 2011
Messages
108
Reaction score
0
Hi!
Alright, so I've compiled a list of characteristics I've found in myself over some time now to try to see if there's a common denominator or pattern. Whether it's low self-esteem, or something else. So I will just give them in bullet points, hopefully someone (or myself, from just writing them down) can sense something. Or maybe I should even get therapy..?
So, here goes some background:
  • I talk to people at work, there are a few guys I hang with and I usually chit chat with a few more. So I don't avoid people.
  • I have 2 friends that I see more often (once per week or so) and some acquaintances. Maybe this is a bit on the low end, but I find it hard to want to meet more people. I could probably ask some people I meet more seldom for a beer, and they would probably accept.
  • I've mostly had solitary hobbies and interests in my life, and I'm 24 now and trying to meet more people
  • I've been in one relationship in my life, which was just recently and lasted 2 years
  • Got a good job, both stimulating and decent pay. I'm sought after, and I know that I'm pretty good at what I do. So no issues here.
  • Also, I'm living in a nice place and I generally like who I am

So, time for the things I've noticed:
  • I don't think anyone can love me, and definitely not on first sight. That no one could be attracted to me
  • I think that only girls with some kind of issues would be interested in me. Ie, schizophrenia, daddy issues, etc. That they're desperate.
  • Feeling like I wouldn’t be good enough for a relationship; that I’d have to fight every day just to keep (the hypothetical) her from not being with other guys, which is something that would upset me very much
  • I think I don't really have much of a personality of my own, that I don't have many wishes and maybe being a bit serious
  • On looks: I think I look great in the mirror, but usually in photos I don't like what I'm looking at at all. I think I'm boyish looking, thin bodied with a baby face
  • I like being in remote places where there aren't many clubs and bars around so there's no pressure to socialize, I can just concentrate on what I want to do
  • Feeling like I'm boring and not very entertaining. Sometimes, I have trouble finding words. Often I don't have anything to say at all. But I'm not a negative person, I think.
  • I'm concerned that I'm not really that interested in other people at all
  • I'm baffled when I hear that people have been talking about me when I wasn't around, it gives me something of a rush
  • If some girl looks at me in the bar, I look away. But if it's me that introduce eye contact, it's ok
  • There's a much larger probability that I'd talk to a stranger if we're the only ones around
  • I'm not sure I can actually love someone

So what do you think? :club:
 
Maybe it's a little bit of a self esteem issue. But I think more you are just overanalyzing, heck I do that all the time. We all have flaws and insecurities, which is the only thing that I noticed from what you posted. You're human. Sorry, there is no cure. ;)
 
kaetic said:
Maybe it's a little bit of a self esteem issue. But I think more you are just overanalyzing, heck I do that all the time. We all have flaws and insecurities, which is the only thing that I noticed from what you posted. You're human. Sorry, there is no cure. ;)

Thanks for your reply! I would've thought that it'd be something more severe than just some insecurities. :eek:
I don't understand how it's overanalyzing, it's emotions I feel quite often. Maybe recognizing those feelings is what overanalyzing is..?
 
Sounds like to me you doubt yourself. The "someone can only love me if they're messed up themselves" seems like you not only put yourself in the dirt, but you expect others to stomp on you while you're covered in dirt. I highly doubt that you're that bad. Believe, I've seen people with horrible personalities and terrible issues have long relationships. And honestly, if people who treat others horribly can have relationships, than anyone can.
 
Hi tusk. I'm new here, but I feel compelled to give you my opinion. Feel free to take my suggestions with as many grains of salt as you like :p You seem pretty self aware and analytical, and it sounds like you're really not too far from where you want to be. There are just some hurdles you have to get over.

You say that you generally like yourself. I believe you. In fact, you're probably pretty awesome and a good catch, but it sounds like you're not giving yourself enough credit. There is only one person on this planet who's opinion matters, and that's you. It might sound cliche but it's the truth. Think about it. You know yourself better than anybody, and only you are capable of properly judging who you are. Avoid comparing yourself to other people. You will spend your entire life observing and associating with people who are nothing like you. They won't think of things the way you do, or see anything quite the way you do. They won't have the same struggles and hangups. They won't have the same point of view regarding their relationships or friends. This is inevitable, and nothing good can come from comparing yourself to other people when everyone has a completely different standard of what is good or normal.

Most of the things you mentioned have a whole lot to do with how others see you. Be careful. Everybody wants to feel loved and nobody wants to experience rejection, and it's natural to view yourself through the eyes of the people you interact with. It's a sign of intelligence. But it gets unhealthy really quickly when it starts to become the driving force behind your interactions with others. It can even turn into a destructive form of manipulation, particularly in a relationship where you might find yourself doing things to try and affect the way someone feels about you, or to try and keep them happy. Really watch out for this.

I don't want to keep going on and on but hopefully that's some good stuff to think about. If I could give you one piece of advice: don't rush to meet new people. Give yourself a break and try to use this time to focus on personal growth. Keep a journal, learn something new, find a new hobby, get some exercise, do something creative. Do things you can feel good about for you and nobody else. It's counter-intuitive, but if you can find a way to be completely comfortable with just being you, everything else will fall into place.
 
tusk said:
kaetic said:
Maybe it's a little bit of a self esteem issue. But I think more you are just overanalyzing, heck I do that all the time. We all have flaws and insecurities, which is the only thing that I noticed from what you posted. You're human. Sorry, there is no cure. ;)

Thanks for your reply! I would've thought that it'd be something more severe than just some insecurities. :eek:
I don't understand how it's overanalyzing, it's emotions I feel quite often. Maybe recognizing those feelings is what overanalyzing is..?

Ok, I guess I didn't explain very well. I don't think you have a huge problem looming over you. That being said, I'm not a psychiatrist. I think your biggest problem is focusing on all the little problems. I used to do that BIG TIME. Make up a list of things I didn't like about myself in the hopes of changing them. The only thing it did was make me feel worse. Because I was focusing on everything I didn't like about myself. That's what I meant by overanalyzing.

I think in time you will become more comfortable with yourself, and then you will find your tendencies beginning to change.
But, then again, I'm not you either.
 
VanillaCreme said:
Sounds like to me you doubt yourself. The "someone can only love me if they're messed up themselves" seems like you not only put yourself in the dirt, but you expect others to stomp on you while you're covered in dirt. I highly doubt that you're that bad. Believe, I've seen people with horrible personalities and terrible issues have long relationships. And honestly, if people who treat others horribly can have relationships, than anyone can.

I don't really expect people to stomp on me, rather I believe they will either ignore me or have a neutral stance against me. Logically, I know I'm a good guy. But I can't just feel it.

kaetic said:
Ok, I guess I didn't explain very well. I don't think you have a huge problem looming over you. That being said, I'm not a psychiatrist. I think your biggest problem is focusing on all the little problems. I used to do that BIG TIME. Make up a list of things I didn't like about myself in the hopes of changing them. The only thing it did was make me feel worse. Because I was focusing on everything I didn't like about myself. That's what I meant by overanalyzing.

I think in time you will become more comfortable with yourself, and then you will find your tendencies beginning to change.
But, then again, I'm not you either.

Ah, I see what you mean. Maybe some ignorance can be bliss, after all? It's so hard to give up the list-making though. The systematical way is what I'm used to in other areas, and how can you improve if you don't know what to improve? I'm not sure a list like that makes me feel bad, it might even be the opposite. Like, getting all enthusiastic; "now I know what to fix!" But yeah, that usually doesn't last very long.

clean said:
Hi tusk. I'm new here, but I feel compelled to give you my opinion. Feel free to take my suggestions with as many grains of salt as you like :p You seem pretty self aware and analytical, and it sounds like you're really not too far from where you want to be. There are just some hurdles you have to get over.

You say that you generally like yourself. I believe you. In fact, you're probably pretty awesome and a good catch, but it sounds like you're not giving yourself enough credit. There is only one person on this planet who's opinion matters, and that's you. It might sound cliche but it's the truth. Think about it. You know yourself better than anybody, and only you are capable of properly judging who you are. Avoid comparing yourself to other people. You will spend your entire life observing and associating with people who are nothing like you. They won't think of things the way you do, or see anything quite the way you do. They won't have the same struggles and hangups. They won't have the same point of view regarding their relationships or friends. This is inevitable, and nothing good can come from comparing yourself to other people when everyone has a completely different standard of what is good or normal.

Most of the things you mentioned have a whole lot to do with how others see you. Be careful. Everybody wants to feel loved and nobody wants to experience rejection, and it's natural to view yourself through the eyes of the people you interact with. It's a sign of intelligence. But it gets unhealthy really quickly when it starts to become the driving force behind your interactions with others. It can even turn into a destructive form of manipulation, particularly in a relationship where you might find yourself doing things to try and affect the way someone feels about you, or to try and keep them happy. Really watch out for this.

I don't want to keep going on and on but hopefully that's some good stuff to think about. If I could give you one piece of advice: don't rush to meet new people. Give yourself a break and try to use this time to focus on personal growth. Keep a journal, learn something new, find a new hobby, get some exercise, do something creative. Do things you can feel good about for you and nobody else. It's counter-intuitive, but if you can find a way to be completely comfortable with just being you, everything else will fall into place.

Wow - thanks! What an uplifting post!
Not rushing to meet people, maybe that's a bit connected to what kaetic said? I wish I could just give up trying to meet people so I can sit at home and work on my projects in the evenings without feeling bad. Though my social skills would probably degrade, instead of improve. And it wouldn't probably improve my life relationship wise.
I'm learning a new language, and upped the number of times I go to the gym, but maybe I can do more. I have ideas, but they mostly mean that I will sit on my behind in front of the computer.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top