acedna
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- Apr 7, 2012
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About seven years ago, I had just broken up with my ex-boyfriend. I tried to get back into my previous activities, so I went to an event that involved dancing. (medieval/renaissance dancing). There were different dance classes during the day. So I just kind of found different people to hang out with throughout the day. I meet a nice young lady who showed me around and kind of hung out with me. (I know it is pathetic that a 13 year old girl was my safety net that day, but I was there alone and knew no one).
I did run into some people that I knew so I had someone to eat lunch with. At least I was not alone then. The big dancing part of the event was that night after dinner. I got all dressed up and was excited because I just thought someone would ask me to dance. I had so many favorite dances I wanted to do. I kind of hung around the outside of the dance floor hoping someone would ask me to dance. I think I was only asked once by the person I knew. (that is really pathetic because this group of people is known for being chivalrous and always ask strangers to dance). I got to dance a second dance because I asked someone I had met before.
By the end of the night, I was so miserable that I had to leave. I drove several hours and got back home at 4AM. I was too emotional to go back to the stranger's house where I was staying. I had to get back home where I felt safe.
I didn't understand why no one asked me to dance. Even during the dance classes that day, I had a hard time finding a partner. I was so excited to go to this event and was so heartbroken at the end.
I thought maybe I looked mean and made dirty faces at people or that I seemed closed off to people. A lot of people say I am pretty, so it's not that I am ugly or anything. (I don't feel pretty at all, but that is another issue)
After that failure, I decided that I would give it another try. I would go to another event ( I went really only for the dancing at the event) There would be a couple classes for dancing during the day and some demonstrations. At the end of the day, we would eat then have a dance.
This time I went alone (again) but decided that I would smile all day and be really pleasant to everyone so that they would not think I did not want to talk or dance or anything.
I was so lonely all day, but I just walked around and smiled and looked pleasant. I even talked to a man for a little bit that day and told him how much I loved dancing and that I hoped to dance that night. I think I even hinted that I would want him to ask me (no attraction - i just wanted to dance).
A couple times during the day, I had a really hard time. I had to leave the campsite and drive off for a while to pull myself together. I even had a good cry. I just didn't know what to do with my time, so I ran off.
So...sorry this is such a long story but that night we ate then the dancing began.
I was only asked once to dance...I was humiliated. When my favorite dance came up, I asked a man who was really outgoing to dance it with me and he was nice enough to do it (i think he was the same man I had asked at the last event). The only dance I was asked to was the very last one of the night.
I just did not understand why this had happened. I had made such an effort to smile and be nice and try to not be closed off to people all that day! Where did it get me? nowhere! It makes me so angry because I do not know why well...why no one likes me.
I try not to be annoying. I am sometimes loud, but I think that is because I always feel ignored. I feel like I have to jump up and down and shout, "hey!! I am here!!! Listen to me!! Stop ignoring me!" It is that way with my family, with work, with school if i'm taking a class...everywhere. I don't know if I have really bad body odor? bad breath? It just does not make sense to me.
So...well, I have not been back to another event for that group of people. I did go to a meeting, but I even felt unliked there.
I think it was after this that I really starting shutting myself off from the world. My life consists of going to work, going to a night class, coming home and playing a game on the computer or reading. I very rarely go anywhere unless I can get one of my nieces to go with me.
I have movies I will want to see so badly, but I have no one to go with me.
There is a lady at work who also has no friends, but at least she has a husband. She is less social than I am, so I cannot even get her to go to a movie with me. I feel like I am always having to beg someone to do something with me. It is so frustrating and makes me feel like crap!
I guess that is enough of a pity party for now. I hope I can feel at little better. Reading some things on here makes me know I am not really alone. There are so many out here just like me. That does not solve the problem, but at least we are not alone in our loneliness.
I did run into some people that I knew so I had someone to eat lunch with. At least I was not alone then. The big dancing part of the event was that night after dinner. I got all dressed up and was excited because I just thought someone would ask me to dance. I had so many favorite dances I wanted to do. I kind of hung around the outside of the dance floor hoping someone would ask me to dance. I think I was only asked once by the person I knew. (that is really pathetic because this group of people is known for being chivalrous and always ask strangers to dance). I got to dance a second dance because I asked someone I had met before.
By the end of the night, I was so miserable that I had to leave. I drove several hours and got back home at 4AM. I was too emotional to go back to the stranger's house where I was staying. I had to get back home where I felt safe.
I didn't understand why no one asked me to dance. Even during the dance classes that day, I had a hard time finding a partner. I was so excited to go to this event and was so heartbroken at the end.
I thought maybe I looked mean and made dirty faces at people or that I seemed closed off to people. A lot of people say I am pretty, so it's not that I am ugly or anything. (I don't feel pretty at all, but that is another issue)
After that failure, I decided that I would give it another try. I would go to another event ( I went really only for the dancing at the event) There would be a couple classes for dancing during the day and some demonstrations. At the end of the day, we would eat then have a dance.
This time I went alone (again) but decided that I would smile all day and be really pleasant to everyone so that they would not think I did not want to talk or dance or anything.
I was so lonely all day, but I just walked around and smiled and looked pleasant. I even talked to a man for a little bit that day and told him how much I loved dancing and that I hoped to dance that night. I think I even hinted that I would want him to ask me (no attraction - i just wanted to dance).
A couple times during the day, I had a really hard time. I had to leave the campsite and drive off for a while to pull myself together. I even had a good cry. I just didn't know what to do with my time, so I ran off.
So...sorry this is such a long story but that night we ate then the dancing began.
I was only asked once to dance...I was humiliated. When my favorite dance came up, I asked a man who was really outgoing to dance it with me and he was nice enough to do it (i think he was the same man I had asked at the last event). The only dance I was asked to was the very last one of the night.
I just did not understand why this had happened. I had made such an effort to smile and be nice and try to not be closed off to people all that day! Where did it get me? nowhere! It makes me so angry because I do not know why well...why no one likes me.
I try not to be annoying. I am sometimes loud, but I think that is because I always feel ignored. I feel like I have to jump up and down and shout, "hey!! I am here!!! Listen to me!! Stop ignoring me!" It is that way with my family, with work, with school if i'm taking a class...everywhere. I don't know if I have really bad body odor? bad breath? It just does not make sense to me.
So...well, I have not been back to another event for that group of people. I did go to a meeting, but I even felt unliked there.
I think it was after this that I really starting shutting myself off from the world. My life consists of going to work, going to a night class, coming home and playing a game on the computer or reading. I very rarely go anywhere unless I can get one of my nieces to go with me.
I have movies I will want to see so badly, but I have no one to go with me.
There is a lady at work who also has no friends, but at least she has a husband. She is less social than I am, so I cannot even get her to go to a movie with me. I feel like I am always having to beg someone to do something with me. It is so frustrating and makes me feel like crap!
I guess that is enough of a pity party for now. I hope I can feel at little better. Reading some things on here makes me know I am not really alone. There are so many out here just like me. That does not solve the problem, but at least we are not alone in our loneliness.
