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AL_23

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My life has never really amounted to much but what little of it that does I'm slowly destroying. As everyday that goes by I get deeper and deeper, it literally feels like I manage to take one step forward only to fall back two steps. Any accomplishments rarely last beyond the day they happen and they just get lost in the darkness thats become my life story. I got problems, some big and some small. I have regrets, both big and small. All of it is crippling me and virtually ruining any chances of personal growth and I'm afraid. I'm terrified even, that all my efforts to become a stable happy person will eventually lead me to disaster. Now wheres that rock to crawl under!
 
I quit smoking cigarettes and cannabis in June 2010 but since that time my gambling addiction sky-rocketed and now I'm considering having a little bit of cannabis tonight to try and alter my mind.... hopefully for the good. Is there any other way of altering the mind because I feel it's my mind thats the problem and if I can change it then my llife will change too.... right?
 
I think it is the mind and personality that drag a person down more than anything else. Most don't even realize that if they just realize how negative they are, and change that negative mentality, they'd probably be better off. However, I don't think that concentrating on just the accomplishments help either. Because our failures build our character. I think that people should learn from both accomplishments and failures, and build themselves for the better from there.
 
Ok, so what do you think is the cause of repeating negative behaviour and not learning from early failures. I've lost money in the bookies one day and will still find myself going back the next. Yes, I agree using past accomplishments and failures help to build character if you can learn from them but what if theres a part of your mind thats hell bent on self sabotage? That is what I feel is my core issue. Maybe reminding yourself of past failures and even accomplishments can be a hindrance and promote self-destructive tendencies, if you already have difficulty learning from them and causing a cycle of misery and stagnation in ones life. Like myself :(
I just want the misery to stop. I'm starting to find my physical body suffer now due to my mental suffering
 
If you give a rat a treat at intervals he will continue the behavior for a short period of time after you stop giving him treats. But, if you stagger the intervals at which you give treats and then stop doing that the rat goes on after the treats have stopped until it's exhausted.
 
ocd or ocpd.

you try attending GA or NA...support groups.
Theres plenty of people that youll be able
to relate to.

Addiction menifest itself in many forms.

I wish i have a magic cure.

The mind is very power.

Sometimes you cant solves the mind with
the mind....so some seek spirityality.
aespecually a mind thats ob a negative
and destructive psth

or get out of the mind sort of soeak.

Some seek out god or a Higher Power.

Everyone have there own belief or non beliefs.
Thier own understandong of spirituality..

Verious terms are used.
The soul, spirit, higher self, the god in you, the holy
spirit, the power of the universe., the unoversal mind
...ect..ect.

In recovery i was told addicts are just the symtums
of our deeper inner problem...i guess so. Idk.

its true in a way that its like a banage job or
a form of escape thatll help me feel better
for a little while...but consequences i have
pay are huge. I cuase more problems on top
of problems i akready had.....
Once im in COMPLUSION...its kind of like
im on runaway freight train headed for a major
fucken wreack.
Thats why no amount of my willpower and stop it.


Also if i just go on will power and fight my addictions
1... Im going to get burnout and tired of fighting it.
Addiction is relentless, cunning and baffling..
As you had experinced....you started gambling
or substitute one addiction for another.


2... fighting your addiction takes time and energy
away from you. Time and energy you need to live
a life....A happy productive life.

3, Affiction fucks with your heart and mind.
You start hating yourself. Beat up on yourself.
Blame yourself...You feel like honeysuckle about youself
and your life....hence you need releave.
So you go use again to escape from the guikt
and shame
Very cunning

Thats why some poeple say to LET GO AND LET GOD.

but im very very ill....sometimes no matter how
hard and right i try to work my program...
it turns out all messed up.

Some say...it would take the grace and mercy of
god to save me....
i can get on a very self destructive path.
Even if i dont use or get into my addictions.
Living life on lifes terms...There are many
terms life throws at me that I can not
accept and let go so easiy of....
When every gets all messed up no matter
how hard or right ive done..
I feel like im not good enough or ive failed.
So i wanna escape the pains or give up entirely.
I seek no pity. so i stop caring....
Then im screwed.
 
AL_23 said:
I quit smoking cigarettes and cannabis in June 2010 but since that time my gambling addiction sky-rocketed and now I'm considering having a little bit of cannabis tonight to try and alter my mind.... hopefully for the good. Is there any other way of altering the mind because I feel it's my mind thats the problem and if I can change it then my llife will change too.... right?

Firstly, WELL DONE for quitting smoking AND cannabis, we all know how addictive these things are, so it must have been VERY hard to do and keep on doing.
I've never smoked myself, but do have a little alcohol most evenings, and have found that I seem to need it now more than in the past. I'm trying to cut down, but it is hard.
All I can say is be kind to yourself, I think we have to replace the addictive item with something else - something positive, maybe an attainable goal or activity.

Good luck :)
 
SophiaGrace said:
If you give a rat a treat at intervals he will continue the behavior for a short period of time after you stop giving him treats. But, if you stagger the intervals at which you give treats and then stop doing that the rat goes on after the treats have stopped until it's exhausted.
I hear what you're saying and you're right!

Lonesome Crow said:
ocd or ocpd.
Addiction menifest itself in many forms.
I wish i have a magic cure.
The mind is very power.
Everyone have there own belief or non beliefs.

In recovery i was told addicts are just the symtums
of our deeper inner problem...i guess so. Idk.
I think its true that at the root of an addiction is an inner problem and maybe if our will power was directed toward this instead of simply trying to force ourselves away from the outward manifestation of the inner problem we could start making positive progress. Do I have the strength or courage to know myself though? Theres a lot of "negative" experiences from my past that I have hidden away in hopes that they never see the light of day but maybe thats what they need. I might bring them into the light to be scrutinized and see just what the fuss is. I'll alter my mind one thought, one memory at a time if thats what it takes.

In a lonely place said:
Firstly, WELL DONE for quitting smoking AND cannabis, we all know how addictive these things are, so it must have been VERY hard to do and keep on doing.
I've never smoked myself, but do have a little alcohol most evenings, and have found that I seem to need it now more than in the past. I'm trying to cut down, but it is hard.
All I can say is be kind to yourself, I think we have to replace the addictive item with something else - something positive, maybe an attainable goal or activity.

Good luck :)

Thank you, In a lonely place. I guess I have been hard on myself thinking about it. For quite some time actually. Maybe I decided to because of when my Dad left us when I was about 9 and me being the older brother had to look out for my lil bro, so I was forced into being that "strong" figure/role when really I was just a weak child unawre of what the world had to throw at me. Giving up smoking was something I wanted to do for a long time. I smoked for 10 years. In the end my body forced me to one night and even after recoving from that night a few days later tried going back to smoking but instantly my body reminded me of that fatefull night and ever since I've stayed away but it's been a long time and maybe I need another reminder, or I'm secretly hoping that it'll be ok this time and I can go back to it like a person wanting to sleep again after the alarm goes off.
One thing that makes non smoking easier than gambling which I tell everyone when they remind me I was able to quit smoking is that, in life I don't need to smoke but I do need money. Whats crazy still is that I knowingly lose more than I make gambling :club:
 
oneway of ultering the mind is to feed it something differnt.
Let go of old ideas and unworkable beliefs.

Train it to see things from differnt perspective and solve
problems in a differnt ways.

yes, it could be like opening a can of worms.
Worms die in sunlight.
You are as sick as your secrerts....


What pains, lost, guilt, shame, regrets, truamma, fears...ect
was i running from?
Ive set in casino for many years....stone cold sober.
In a room full of people and noise.
My gf was feet away or sometines next to me. Yet i felt lonely and alone
I felt numb and disconnected to everything.

I can bring that into light.
i dont know how to see it differntly.
Ive yet to feel differnt about it.
 
I feel so lost recently. The situation in my life for the last few months has been so unpredictable and it seems as though it's always a day away from complete ruin! Within these few months of chaos I've been trying to figure a way out and into a secure life thats not only productive but atleast somewhat pleasant. All my efforts have achieved is reminders of past failures. Things that I hadn't even considered began manifesting, adding more misery to my lonely existence. I'm 27 years old but my life amounts to so little, I have nothing to show for all the years. I haven't had a proper girlfriend since I was 14, and I suffer with panic/anxiety attacks although my Cognitive Behavioral Therapist tells me its more to do with claustrophobia. This problem has caused me to avoid using public transport and getting into cars for some years and I either have to walk or ride my bike most places and if I try to use a train or bus I feel like I have to get off and sometimes do. I've been living on the outskirts of society(mentally/emotionally) probably for over 10 years now but I live in London. I know a lot of people that live in cities feel cut-off from the world around them, even with social media sites but I have this anguish inside thats getting to the tipping point and I don't know what to do with it. If anyone has anything to say please, say something. I'm here to conversate.
 
That's life, it sucks sometimes. It seems like every time you take a step forward something knocks you two steps back.

What I've found is just living in the good moments and sucking the life out of them. Cause you always know something is going to go wrong eventually. It always does. Even if it's a small thing it can hit you like a ton of bricks.

Don't focus on the negative, we make mistakes, we fail at times, it's because we are human. It's what you take from the mistakes and failures that count. You learn from them and grow. It is hard to do, to not let the negative get you down. It takes a lot of practice, it's all a mind game. You have to talk yourself out of the bad and find the good you can take away from it. Turn every negative into a positive.
 
I'm on holiday here AL-23, so can't answer you fully (having to pay for internet), but 1. so you've had a proper gf (one up on me)
2. Hang on in there and keep fighting.
 
i dont know if GA NA or AA r avaliable in the
UK.
I do understand addiction.
It pretty much dedtroyed my life and
the people i love...

i can relate to you from my own experince.
I also know recovery is posible snd you don't
have to do it alone.

Everybody have their own bottom.
Bottoms are never pretty.
It is however a turning piont.

at 27..you still have so much life
ahead of you..
Some people do stop until theyre 40 or 50.
Some people never stop.


If you lost everything....you have
everything to gain.
 
Well,there ARE other mind altering substances,some very powerful, but I would suggest doing this on your own.
I have destroyed myself before so i can relate to what you're saying, it surprises me how well I destroyed myself,lost myself. The way I got out of it was to let go of the compulsive behaviour, I decided to only do what I feel and never act or play a role in this life.
Hell I haven't completelly got where I want to with myself still anyway.
Theres a lot of "negative" experiences from my past that I have hidden away in hopes that they never see the light of day but maybe thats what they need
I found that I really needed that and it has helped me feel emotion again.
Maybe you need to let go a bit, I mean maybe lettig yourself drift wil get you where you should be, the happy place :)
I really feel and relate to what you're going through, good luck
 
Sci-Fi said:
That's life, it sucks sometimes.

What I've found is just living in the good moments and sucking the life out of them. Cause you always know something is going to go wrong eventually. It always does. Even if it's a small thing it can hit you like a ton of bricks.
Don't focus on the negative
You have to talk yourself out of the bad and find the good you can take away from it. Turn every negative into a positive.
Yes life sucks sometimes, even for those successful people in the world with cash to splash, who own huge houses, numerous sports and luxury cars, the latest and greatest gadgets and women/men falling at their feet! But what if your life sucks most times? That I guess is when it's a problem that needs tackling and rightly said, focusing on the negatives will only waste energy which I need to maneuver a ton of bricks!

In a lonely place said:
I'm on holiday here AL-23, so can't answer you fully (having to pay for internet), but 1. so you've had a proper gf (one up on me)
2. Hang on in there and keep fighting.
Thanks for the encouraging words In a lonely place. I look forward to when you return and do answer fully;)

Lonesome Crow said:
i dont know if GA NA or AA r avaliable in the
UK.
I do understand addiction.
It pretty much dedtroyed my life and
the people i love...
Everybody have their own bottom.
Bottoms are never pretty.
It is however a turning piont.
at 27..you still have so much life
ahead of you..
Some people do stop until theyre 40 or 50.
Some people never stop.

If you lost everything....you have
everything to gain.
They do have GA here in the uk but I haven't got myself into huge amounts of debt, yet, nor have I stolen to feed my gambling addiction and to be honest I feel they'll laugh me out the room.
One thing I believe is there is no such thing as rock bottom, well apart from death! Someone or some situation can always get worse. Death in my opinion is rock bottom and when you hit it, you won't even be able to worry or care!

beautifulsorrow said:
Well,there ARE other mind altering substances,some very powerful, but I would suggest doing this on your own.
I have destroyed myself before so i can relate to what you're saying, it surprises me how well I destroyed myself,lost myself. The way I got out of it was to let go of the compulsive behaviour, I decided to only do what I feel and never act or play a role in this life.
Hell I haven't completelly got where I want to with myself still anyway.
Theres a lot of "negative" experiences from my past that I have hidden away in hopes that they never see the light of day but maybe thats what they need
I found that I really needed that and it has helped me feel emotion again.
Maybe you need to let go a bit, I mean maybe lettig yourself drift wil get you where you should be, the happy place :)
I really feel and relate to what you're going through, good luck
When you speak of letting go, letting myself drift it cunjures feelings of non-resistance. Almost like just losing control, which is interesting because maybe I'm putting too much effort into controlling things beyond my control and stressing out about it? I need to think some more on this!
 
When you speak of letting go, letting myself drift it cunjures feelings of non-resistance. Almost like just losing control, which is interesting because maybe I'm putting too much effort into controlling things beyond my control and stressing out about it? I need to think some more on this!
Try this: Every once in a while sit crossed legged somehwere nice and quiet and just close your eyes and float aroud, let go, try thinking of the world as going round at the moment just like you are sitting at that moment, I mean try to get in the moment and notice that you're actually part of it all, because we tend to only live in our own little universe sometimes.
 
K...once I admit i have a problem and my life had became messed up.

But...i'll get triggers or those messed up feelings hits me out of nowhere.
I'll cope with my feelings by solving my prolems the sameway Ive done
in the past over and over and over again.
Then I'll wake up the next day and go.....fresia, i went and messed up again.
I might go through this process for weeks to years...
I'll either get sick and tired of being sick and tired of do the same old honeysuckle again and again....
ANO/OR feeling and thinking I'm a wacked job for so doing the samething and expecting
a different results.

Let go?
Its hard to let go of something and/or someone you love.
Simple allow yourself yourself to feel Loved.
I can admit I love my addictions as I love someone. Its my truth and honesty


I turn it over/let go...I take it back.
I turn it over/let go...I take it back
I turn t over/let go ...I take it back

I'll also go through this process for days to weeks or months.

Feelling tired, werry and beaten trying to control my life
but no matter what i do ...even with the best of intentions
It gets messed up anyway.

I'll come to a rest on my own. Kind of like a storm that burned itself out.

I cant figure it out anymore.
I cant fight myself anymore.
I cant fight addictions anymore.
I cant fight the people I love anymore.

As i lay still..In perfect weakeness, i surrender it all. LET GO...

God strength is perfect in my weakness....( Im not religious)
Some term this as GOD, my HIGHER SELF, the POWER of the UNIVERSE...ect

So...whatever it is. I certainly dont wanna do the same old honeysuckle again. The price got way way to high.
Getting out of the way of miracles. Im (ego) really good at standing in my own way.
Being humble....that's not me. I have pride....of getting put in checkmate over and over again.lol

Wheather its' heaven, unconditional love or a better payoff...
You gatta give me payoffs of the ultimate jackpot.
I still want whAT i want and I want it now!!!!!!

Really....I can have what I want...if i get the fresia out of the way?
Thats a new concept. It's different that's for sure.
The more you show me signs of improvements...the more I'll get out of the way?
Faith????
I'm open to receive all the goodness in life....Give it to me.lol
 
I've been looking around the forum and found someone's thread who described their situation almost identical to mine http://www.alonelylife.com/thread-2...h-parents-no-job-no-friends-is-it-all-to-late.
I tend to feel alone in my "problems" but I'm not alone and also It was said that 30 is the new 20 :p I have time to make mistakes and lets be honest we will all make a mistake here and there even at the ripe old age of 60years+
We're all struggling to make a good life for ourselves and what with these economic times its not easy but the economy will pick up again just like the sun will arrive again and I will meet each day with the hope of bettering myself from the last.
Today, after losing more money in the betting shops and having to walk home with empty pockets and a punctured tire in the rain I took cover under a cemetry chapel here.. http://i26.photobucket.com/albums/c136/al_zaine/052651_763f3ff8.jpg and as I looked at the tombstones and memorials I started to think about my own. Would I prefer to be buried or cremated? What would be written on my stone of memorial. This meant the most to me and I came to the idea of a message which simply states... "You who are alive, remember to live".
I will use that statement as the fuel that keeps me going from now on!
 

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