Anxiety, depression, who am I? And a few other things.

I haven't been attending uni for the last couple of months because I've been depressed and really scared of going in. It's bad seeing as how this is the 3rd and final year of the course. What really scares me is being in the studios, surrounded by all those people. And when I go in again some of them will want to talk to me and they'll ask where I've been. That scares the honeysuckle out of me. I don't want to drop out and I don't want to take a leave of absence. Spending another year in higher education seems like it would be absolute failure. How would I ever be able to face my father? Also, what am I even doing in this country? I really want to go home.

I keep putting off going back into uni. I'm just too afraid of seeing all those people. It's a fine art course so there's no classes, only studio practice. Spending day after day in that big open room, trying to work, being surrounded by people, and they're all talking talking talking - some of them want to talk to me. Sometimes I want to talk to them. I don't understand any of it - it's torture.

And I'm still single but I don't want to be, where does that fit in? I've tried so **** hard over the past few years to improve myself and get a girlfriend and it just hasn't worked at all. The closest I've gotten so far has been this 28-year old Korean girl who broke it off with me after a week because I'm too young for her (I'm 22). Despite all of the signs to the contrary. I never even got to kiss her. It seems like every time I've acted on the signs girls have given me, or just went for it regardless, I've gotten smacked down hard.

I keep thinking that I should've become a doctor like my father wanted me to. I would've been a mediocre doctor. The fact is that during my A-levels I didn't apply myself because I was depressed a lot, I couldn't be bothered, I was having issues with the fact that I'm male and I was miserable about it. I didn't get the grades. Even now I could do a foundation course, one of those one-year jobbies that prepares you for med school. But if I did that I'd be almost 30 by the time I got out and drowning in debt. At least then I'd be mediocre, not an abject failure.

I haven't really talked to anyone about any of this and it's just been building up. The most immediate problem is the social anxiety. I just don't know how to deal with it. Anyways I'm going crazy so I'm posting this in the hopes that hopefully I can claw my way out and become a functional human being again.

I know how you feel, I don't like being around large groups of people either. But are these the same people all the time or does it vary depending on who attends? If it's the same people most of the time, even though you find it very difficult, it would be a good idea to push yourself in going. Seeing the same familiar faces can eventually help you feel more comfortable.

Sometimes you just have to push yourself, even when you feel uncomfortable. You'll never overcome it if you don't try. It's really not as bad as you make if seem in your mind. I'm not cured, but after I've made myself go to things where there were going to be large groups of people, I've felt a feeling of accomplishment. Even if the next time I still don't want to go again, lol.

Would it be possible for you to speak to your lecturers and ask if you could work seperately from the other students, in a small room on your own? I agree with SciFi that it would be best if you could work in the studio with the others and try and overcome your fear, but at the same time as it is your final year, you want to get the best degree you can and maybe you should ask for conditions you would feel more relaxed in.
When I took my finals, I did them on my own with just an invigilator as the idea of being in a huge hall with hundreds of other freaked me out.

I think you should try hard to get back in university, not going will not fix anything or maybe worsen your anxiety, as well as waste your time. You should try the advice the others gave. Try to work on your social anxiety, keep telling yourself there's nothing to be scared/anxious about, maybe you can distract yourself with music or maybe some thinking when you're in the studio, you would get used to the place if you start going again. I think after you work on the anxiety it would be easier to find a nice relationship.

I was like that in college.....ended up not going for a few weeks....weeks turned longer and longer....and I sort of regret it now......do you like the course you are doing?......focus on that.....not on the people......also tackle one problem at a time.....don't get weighed down by worrying about 50 times (though I know it can't be helped at times).......go back to class.....see how it is....nobody might even ask you where you were......and if they do just say you were sick (which isn't really a lie if you count depression as a sickness)......and again focus on the course material not on the people.....good luck.

Sci-Fi said:

But are these the same people all the time or does it vary depending on who attends? If it's the same people most of the time, even though you find it very difficult, it would be a good idea to push yourself in going.

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It's the same people all the time, usually. But oddly enough that's what scares me - seeing those people. I can pretty much handle strangers. It's the thought of seeing those people, and being in the studios, that fills me with dread.

What I'm going to do is, I'm going to go in on the weekend when there's probably nobody there. Then I'll go in at like 8 AM, wait for one or two people to come in, and then leave if I feel too uncomfortable. Since it's the same people I know that there was a time when I didn't feel uncomfortable around them... so I should be able to get back to that eventually.

Tiina63 said:

Would it be possible for you to speak to your lecturers and ask if you could work seperately from the other students, in a small room on your own?

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I'm going to do this, there's a space down near the workshop where there are fewer people. I'm working at home now so I'm at least getting things done.

beautifulsorrow said:

I think you should try hard to get back in university, not going will not fix anything or maybe worsen your anxiety, as well as waste your time. You should try the advice the others gave. Try to work on your social anxiety, keep telling yourself there's nothing to be scared/anxious about, maybe you can distract yourself with music or maybe some thinking when you're in the studio, you would get used to the place if you start going again. I think after you work on the anxiety it would be easier to find a nice relationship.

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Yep, I've been working on something at home so that I'm not just being totally idle... otherwise I'd just be fulfilling my own prophecy. I'll take your advice... distract myself with music and keep telling myself there's nothing to be scared about >.< I have had some success though, I've managed to get into town and walk around without totally freaking out. That's halfway in terms of walking distance to uni. So I'm going to go in on the weekend when there's no one there and just try to spend some time there.

Jack Tripper said:

do you like the course you are doing?

and if they do just say you were sick (which isn't really a lie if you count depression as a sickness)......and again focus on the course material not on the people.....good luck.

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Part of the problem is that, well with Fine Art everyone goes through periods where they have no idea what they're doing. It's totally self-directed and often times there are no clear goals. The tutors, sadly, aren't that helpful and most of the time they're not even around. I was having one of these times.. I'd had a few tutorials and spoken to some people but nothing was helping. This was around the same time as my relationship troubles (around valentine's day, no less). And at the same time I got really depressed and became anxious.

Now I know what I'm doing again in terms of the course - I have a goal to work towards. However I'm still anxious and depressed and, well, I'm always having relationship troubles so that's nothing new. But at least I know what I'm doing again and I'm certainly not going to drop out or fail the course. I feel really glad about that.

I'm going to take your advice and just tell people that I've been sick. It's less of a big deal that way, I think. Thanks for that

only 3 years? most people I know spend another 3 before they are done. School is a ***** tho... but you will realize that it none of this drama will matter once you are done...

I think thats why so many people end up going back... lol..

Think of it this way. If nobody cared where you were, you wouldnt be asked. at least you get to talk to people.... **** im lonely... lol..