Issue with a high school friend I can't make peace with

I will do my best to keep this as short as possible. I have never gotten proper insight from anyone about this and hope to here.

I went to a small high school. My small group of close girlfriends shaped into very different women. Not all of us could have or should have maintained bonds. However, two of them I did stay close with.

Amber, Mandy and I stayed close. Mandy is a trust fund child. She never had to work and sails from creative project to creative project. Amber and I have children and have very average lives.

It was sometimes difficult to relate to Mandy as she has zero perspective on what it is like to have any sort of accountability. But since we all live in different areas (Mandy being the farthest away) we just enjoyed each other and Amber and I grew to appreciate (or tolerate?) Mandy's lifestyle.

A year ago, Mandy came here for a visit. We were in my kitchen enjoying drinks and something seemed very off about her. She oddly seemed to not be tolerating her liquor. She's a drinker and a large woman and I have been to Vegas with her...she is no lightweight drinker. I just thought she was getting drunk way too fast.

Well, we walked to a pub by my house and that ended in a crazy way. She was so messed up when I told her we should leave. I will spare details, but she fell, was bloody, thought the bartender stole her credit card and was crying and yelling. She fell outside the bar and I could not get her up.

I wasn't sure what to do. The pub ended up closing, patrons walking out past us with her bloody on the cement. Eventually, I got her to walking/stumbling/falling back to my home. I had her purse and pocketed her keys as soon as I got her purse as she was talking about driving home...she lives nearly 1,000 miles away. I had no clue where she would drive but offered to get her a cab and hotel room. She wanted no part of that and in a flash of adrenaline, she darted off running to my house so fast I could not keep up.

So, while I had my suspicions, I knew then she was certainly on a drug of some sort. I know her to be a pot smoker, but know she did not do pot at my house earlier, or I would have smelled it from the bathroom. It had to be something else.

Once at my house she went ballistic because I wouldn't give her the keys to her vehicle. She packed her vehicle with all her things from my home. Then she took to screaming in my front yard for her keys. A neighbor called police, they cuffed her once they could restrain her and ended up taking her away in an ambulance.

So, the next day I waited for word on where she was, assuming she was at the police station. I ended up calling all the hospitals and the jail the next night, trying to find her. She was at none of those places. So, on a whim, I tried the mental health center. Yep, she was there.

When she took my call she seemed very out of it. She said she had no clue what happened to her. We only spoke a short while.

(The day this all happened was late Friday/early Saturday, with the first communication Saturday night) So, I ended that phone call totally unsure what would happen. Her vehicle was still in my drive. Saturday night, we were hit with a huge snow storm. It continued into Sunday and she ended up calling me Sunday in early afternoon. She asked for a ride! She said she was facing a two hour wait for a cab due to the storm. She had me parked in, (the police took her keys from me) but I wouldn't go get her anyway.

So, she ended up getting here and rang the bell to get the rest of her things. She was not apologetic, so I basically told her to leave.

I was angry and hurt she did not offer up an apology. This is my neighborhood and she caused quite a stir. Thank Goodness my child was not home that Friday night as I would never want him to be privy to the ranting she was doing in the yard....believe me he would have heard, just like the rest of the block.

I resigned myself to being totally done with her. It took a week and I did soften a bit because I feared our mutual friend might be left in a tight spot should it be a holiday or one of her kid's birthday parties or something and she would have to choose between us. So, I sent the nut job an email to at least get the lines of communication going.

She replied with, "I was in need and you didn't help me. At least I found caring people to take care of me." WTF? Getting hauled off to the psychiatric center is not "finding" anyone. So then and there I was done. Nearly 25 years of friendship over.

Now, my issue (sorry the back story got so long) is our mutual friend and a couple other not as close high school friends in common look down on ME because of this.

The consensus is, "Geez Campbell, we have all been drunk together before..."

This hurts so much. They did not live the crazy like I did. This wasn't silly drunk, it was messed up to the point they didn't release her until Sunday afternoon when all this happened late Friday/early Saturday. She maintains they kept her until she had no alcohol in her system, but I know three people who work in ER and they have all said anyone with a dangerously high B.A.C. won't go to the psychiatric center without being hospitalized first. She had drugs in her.

I need to make peace with this because it drives me crazy I am looked down upon for all this.

How do I make peace with it sans apology and being served up judgement for my actions when she gets none?

You didnt cuase it.
It wasnt your fualt
and you cant cure it....

Guilt will get to you everytime.

Alcoholism/addiction is really, really strange.
It's also progressive, deadly and really heart breaking.

A weekend visit with enough dramma and truama to last you a life time.
Never the less you still care for your friend.

I've been fortunate enough to love someone that's really deep into alcoholism.
Maybe someday I'll figure out the meaning of our lives and the purpose of it all.
I love her and I'm always going to love her....

But I'll share you something...so you dont feel like a nut case.

The many, many trips to the ER...in different cities or towns.
The countless times she'll rush out of the ER room to scream
at me in front of everyone as her face is bleeding.
The many, many times and night the ambelance flashing its
siran in our front yard and the cops frisking me first and asking questions later.
The many many attemps Ive tried to prevent her from driving while intoxicated
and the fucken cops telling me I cant stop her.
The many many endless nights of cops coming over to visit us.
4-5 times per nights sometimes.
The many, many times Ive watched her get hand cuffed. Sometimes even after falling
on her face in front of our yard.
The many phone call to the bail bonds man.
The many trips to the jail house to get her.
The many visit to the court house.
The many horror stories of hearing her getting strapped into the chair whiles she's scream her heart out for me.
The many many suiecidal watch. Cops or security would have to watch her 24 hours per day.
The many scars on her beautiful face as the years passes by from the many
times she'll stumble and fall on her face.
The countless time I'll walk into a bar only to see other men getting her drunk
so they can fresia her when she gose into a black out drunk.
She can be bleeding from head to toes...but some men just dont care and
are really really evil.
The many times she'll pray with me while in the ER..that god would help us somehow.
The many many days and night I sit by her while she's in the hospital.
The many missing person reports.
The many, many eratic behaviors...Dr Jackle and Mrs Hyde has nothing on her.
The many many time she'll scream her heart and cries for me after coming out
from a blackout drunk or binge...again and again and again.
The many many times she cutted in front of me.
The many times she's been in a mental ward but only to get release without
any proper help.
The many many pills that gets precribe to her which only add more fuel to the fire.

I met her while we were in high school. She's the love of my life.
I never stopped loving her. She was my fiance.
I wouldnt handle it then....
The guilt and shame of leaving her pregnant with our child.
She screamed her heart out all day begging me not to leave.
I've gotten down on my knees many many times begging her to stop.
The many many times I've put my life and everything on the line for her again and again.
Things gets bad into worst.

The many many tears our duaghter cries for her mother.
The many times she say she dosnt understand why she was born into this world
and wished she was dead...Whats the purpose of her life and why.

The many whys and unneccesary quesTIONs or anwers normal people
dont get to ask.....

The judgments....

I dont think she can remember half of it or even 10% of it...on the other hand my eyes are wide open.

Logically you can figure it out...like you said...you dont want anything to do with her again,...it's total insanity.
Your heart however say the opposite. The guilt, hurted, anger the pains and the love you have for her.
The conflicts I still have within me. It's something I still havnt been able to completly resovled within myself.

People that havnt experince it can give you advice all day of to just let it go and not blame yourself.

This much I know...
Me feeling bad about myself or any of it (as really really messed up as it has been) isnt going to help me, her or our duaghter.
It's simple truth and the facts of life.

Maybe give yourself a week or a couple of weeks to recover from the madness of it all.
You got truamatize.

Blameshifting is common for alcoholics...it's really convient for them.
The boosting of thier so call carefree life style is simply that. Most alcoholic are very egotistic and live in denial.
A jurgurnant that destroys everything in it's path and the many many consequence they cuase.

Sometimes it's very difficualt to saperate the person from the disease (recovery slogons)

I love her and I'm always going to love her. I hate her disease.
She suffers from a disease known as alcoholism.
Most poeple dont educate themselves to alcoholism until it hits home or are effected by it.
but at some piont she has to be responsible for her life or seek treatment for herself.
I've tried pretty much all avenues to help her or stopped her.
It's basically imposible. Most of not all co-dpedency literature and experince of family members of alcoholic have shown this.
It's not easy and never was wasy to let someone you love very much go.....
Bascailly let them go until they hit thier bottom.
In the process of that...you hope and wish they dont die.
You witness the insanity and truama of it all.
They hurt themselve and are very self destructive.

At the sametime it hurts just the same to watch them hurting themselve or killing themselves slowly.
They drag you down too...Kind of like a person drown. They kick and fight the life guards or people thats trying to help them.

I would tell the rest of the friends that she was out of her mind that night, and that there was nothing you could have done. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't appreciate someone standing in front of their home, on their yard, screaming and throwing a fit just because they were drunk. Being drunk isn't a good or decent reason to do that. I don't think you did anything wrong. Perhaps they'll come around eventually and realize what a fool she was being in the first place. And I'd offer them to babysit her - which is basically what you did that night, in my opinion - and see how much they enjoy having to do so.

Also, I would have done a lot less than you did, so they should all be appreciative that you even did what you did. Some people wouldn't have even had the sense to do what you did. I know I wouldn't have put up with it. I don't care if this is friend-like or not, but I would have left her at the bar. People want to act foolish and flash themselves in whatever manner they see fit while they're completely smashed, then they can do so without me. So, you're a good one, because I wouldn't have done it.

It takes courage to do the right thing Campbell- you did the right thing by not giving her the keys. I've had people pissed off with me for doing the same thing (although none of them had the drama your friend did)- I feel no guilt for doing the right thing nor should you.

Have you asked your friends to contemplate what their reaction would have been if you'd given in, she drove away and someone- possibly even her, would have been hurt or killed in an accident?

Regardless of the outcome, would you do it again? I hope the answer is yes.

Thank you all for the insights. It is much appreciated.

Lonesome Crow, reading your post brought tears to my eyes. It is very sad and I am so sorry you are so in love with someone who doesn't love herself. I do hope one day she is able to escape the grip alcohol has on her.

You did what was right, and didn't help her wtf? You did. You refused to give her the keys to her car, if you didn't care you would have just either left her at the bar, and or gave her the keys to her car and let her drive off. Then she probably would have ended up getting in an accident and killing innocent people or herself. It's too bad her or the other people don't realize that. What else could you have done, she was inebriated and acting irrationally. You also showed you care about her by trying to contact her after.

I wouldn't worry about making peace with her, she's not ready to just yet. Maybe someday.

I don't keep friends who choose to not believe me when I tell them what happened. Nor do I stick with those who decide "not to take sides" for the sake of remaining civil. That in itself is a choice.

But that's just me. You might have a more lenient policy than I do.

You showed so much compassion throughtout this situation and also kept the lines of communication open just in case she was ever in a tight spot. More importantly you saved her life and others by doing what you did!

If you haven't already, explain and tell whoever is making judgements about you, to put themselves in your shoes that night. People will always make judgements with/or without the facts.

I had a different situation but, I was also faced with the same question. My solution was to cut ties with everyone, that way no one would feel uncomfortable whenever myself and the other parties were at the same events. I forgave everyone involved, so that I would be at peace but I never forget. Was it the right thing to do? I don't know. I know the decision to cut ties with everyone was very hard and ultimately I know I have trust issues. But it made me stronger and it gave me freedom from the drama.

Ultimately it's your decision. Listen to your heart and find within you the answer that will give you peace of mind.

I hope this helps and good luck.

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Limlim said:

I don't keep friends who choose to not believe me when I tell them what happened. Nor do I stick with those who decide "not to take sides" for the sake of remaining civil. That in itself is a choice.

But that's just me. You might have a more lenient policy than I do.

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I totally agree with you. I really do not like it when people choose not to take sides. But then again most people are like that. Don't rock the boat you know?