Lonely In My Relationship....

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Hi, I'm Renae...

I'm 24 years old and split my time between my home town of Vernon, NJ and my boyfriend's house in Columbia, NJ. I am a full-time student, I am always told that I am incredibly attractive, I have a lot of friends and a very blessed and full life. However, it hasn't always been that way. I came here to read about loneliness because as someone who used to be very lonely I always want to understand the "phenomenon". For years I was without social contact, whether it be from crippling social anxiety, low confidence stemming from obesity or self-seclusion due to an international dating situation with a guy who lived time zones away. I escaped the loneliness, though, sometimes it still hits me if I spend a few days with too much time on my hands, but I am lucky to have a lot of people who want me around and appreciate me.

That being said...

I've been with Lucus for a year and a half now. The relationship started off as me being "the other woman", but he left the other girl and now I'm his main girlfriend. That isn't the issue. We have a very good relationship...communication is good, physical attraction is there, we have a good rapport, we can work together as a team. The romance used to be great, too. Now he's cut me off from sex and is hard-pressed to even touch me or tell me he loves me unless I initiate it. I know he's not disinterested as he makes every attempt to spend time with me and we still have a great time together. The foundation of the relationship is good, but it's lacking intimacy. He has a lot of psychological problems stemming from gender confusion and childhood sexual abuse and so sex can be very difficult for him. I get that...but I'm so lonely I'm talking to a bunch of guys on the side who have crushes on me even though I'm not into any of them. I look ******* great, I've been losing weight like mad and my hair looks banging...I can't figure it out. How do I re light the flame?

 
Renae....Thats a beautiful name.

Couples gose through dry spell times.
Sometimes it comes back..other times it dosnt.
If possiable, you might try seeking marriage couseling.

I dont know what to really tell your BF...someone, somewhere
has to tell him he needs to snap out of it. Work through his issues
quickly...If he needs help with his issues...then he needs to get help.
It's not going to go away on it's own..unless he makes them go away somehow.

He's taking you for granted or the relationship for granted. It's a stage that couple
gose through sometime....but he has to relized that's whats happening.
With out having a knee jerk reaction or taking it in a wrong way....
If you're communication are good...Hopefully he gets it.

You talking to other guys...is about as natural as it's going to get if your BF
dosnt give you the passion, romance and The fire burning.

Did he not tell you that he would always be in love with you???
Will...hold him accountible to his words...Thats what he promised you
at some level.

Idk...I don't have a hard time being in love with someone I love very much
and in love with..

You're only going to have so much patience with him before he looses
you...that's all there is to it.

Dose he drinks..dose he used drugs to cope??
Sometimes people get so numb out they forget.
Believe or not...one of the behaviors is withholding love if you abuse drugs and alocohol.
 
Thank you =) It's very unique I think, LOL.

Lucus goes through phases where he abuses some sort of substance...nothing hard, but tobacco and other smokable herbs are common for him as well as alcohol or cough syrup sometimes.

I don't want to leave him. I think he's my soulmate, honestly, but it's getting to the point where I feel lonely everywhere else in my life even though there's no reason to: I'm with or talking to friends nearly all the time!!
 
Just tell him straight up ...it's how you feel.

It's messing with you're womanhood.
Every woman wants to feel sexy and appriciative from her man.
He needs to start chasing you again and again...that's all there is to it.

If dosnt get it...when you're hot and sexy right now...he might never get it
 
He cheated once before (for you)...perhaps, he's cheating again.

Once a cheater, always a cheater. :)
 
It's not an easy one to answer, whilst on one hand he might start making the effort after a while, it really shouldn't be on you to do all of the work.

It's understandable you would appreciate the attention of your other guy friends. However, speaking as a guy myself, I know how jealous guys can get so be conscious of his feelings as well.

I guess it comes down to the amount of patience you have with him, and how much he really listens to how you are feeling.

All the best
 
I agree with Lonesome Crow on your name. It's really nice.

I can try and give you advice from my experiences. I had a horrific breakup with my gf of 1 year. She meant and still does mean the world to me. There came a time though when I started to take things for granted. I made her feel less loved and I hurt her. She broke it off with me, and there hasn't been a day gone by in 2 years that I haven't regretted those mistakes I made and missed her unbelievably..

My point is, it could be that he needs a reality slap. For me, I don't think my ex is aware just how much learning and understanding I've made since she split with me. But I see now that that's what needed to happen... For me, now it is too late =x.

Perhaps your Lucas is in a similar position to me when I was in my relationship. It could mean that perhaps he's losing interest... or it could be that he just doesn't understand that his lack of visible devotion to you is hurting you. It certainly doesn't mean his feelings aren't there and that he doesn't love you. My gf decided she needed to break up with me for me to understand this. Such measures may not be necessary for you, but perhaps Lucas really needs to get a slap of reality and know what the deal is.

If you love him and don't want to lose him, fight for him : ) . You don't want to live in regret, trust me... And it could just be something simple and small that he hasn't revealed to you. Good luck : )
 
Thanks for the advice. Sometimes I just start crying because I miss how sweet and emotionally available he used to be, and every time I talk to him he gets frustrated. I feel like I can't say anything anymore. I get undressed in front of him and I get no reaction. It sucks.

I feel like such an ass coming here and complaining about this. I've been reading over some of the posts here and I do know that others suffer far more than I do, but I don't know what else to do. If I go to my friends they'll say I should dump him because relationships don't really have any value to most people my age...but I love him and I want to work it out. The relationship is worth it.
 
pandoraTheboss said:
but I love him and I want to work it out. The relationship is worth it.

Hehe, go you! I'm sure he's a very lucky man : ). Try to always remember Renae that a relationship always takes two... While I think you should fight for him if you love him, don't go running into a dead-end =x I think he needs to know how you feel. Time apart may make him realise that he needs you.. And if not, I guess you'd then know that it was probably a dead-end =x.

I probably shouldn't say anymore, I'm running on so many assumptions and trying to map my experience to yours which probably don't match at all.

Don't feel like an ass for sharing your feelings... I don't think you don't need to compare other's problems to your own; we're all human and we all feel :shy:
 
pandoraTheboss said:
Thanks for the advice. Sometimes I just start crying because I miss how sweet and emotionally available he used to be, and every time I talk to him he gets frustrated. I feel like I can't say anything anymore. I get undressed in front of him and I get no reaction. It sucks.

I feel like such an ass coming here and complaining about this. I've been reading over some of the posts here and I do know that others suffer far more than I do, but I don't know what else to do. If I go to my friends they'll say I should dump him because relationships don't really have any value to most people my age...but I love him and I want to work it out. The relationship is worth it.

Dont feel so bad...It's not your fault.

You say he smokes weed, spices or whatever???
Thats stuff is more potian than you realize.
So he's just vegging out to life becuase he's stoned.
He cant respond to you..simply becuase he's numbed
or not sensitive to any of his senses.

I do understand how you feel.
I love someone very much that's dose pretty much the same
as your BF..with simular backgrounds.
Until she gets well, gets treated, therapy..ect
It'll just gets worst and wrost.
And I cant talk to her about any of these issues or even
she agrees the we should seek marriage counseling...
it donst happens..Nothing changes..aside of just her
getting more drunk/high to cope.

I love her very much. I want our love and relationship to
work more than anything. Ive tolerated it and tolerated it.
But it just got worst and worst.

Her name also Renae
 
I went through feeling alone during the last couple of years of a 10+ year relationship. Being alone with options is better than being alone in a relationship with no options.
 
Lucus and I spoke today about the lack of intimacy in our relationship. He was aware of it as well and I told him how I had been feeling. He told me that he's not ready to start having sex but since the conversation he has been much better about physical contact and about helping me to feel like he loves me. I'm hoping that it will last. =)
 
Do u really love him? Don't you think you deserve someone better? Someone who loves you, who is always there for you? think about it. You are not locked in in this relationship. You are free to do whatever you want to
 
Romantic_Flower said:
Do u really love him? Don't you think you deserve someone better? Someone who loves you, who is always there for you? think about it. You are not locked in in this relationship. You are free to do whatever you want to

Thats not very romantic flower, ;) they spoke about it and worked things through, all credit to them I say especially given his past that she mentioned and the difficulty that must cause him.

The only way you can sort out 99% of issues in a relationship is talking about it. Its about picking your moment though, people wait until the issue flares up then row about it, its better tp pick your moment where you are calm and try and broach the subject then, it tends to work more.

I'm still a bit intrigued about "polyamorous" relationship. So you both openly see other people? Does that not cause problems in itself?
 
Get out of ALL! We don't need your kind here! Your happy fore-filled kind!

LOL Just kidding xD Welcome! Hope you can teach and learn a lot ^___^

Oh and have a blast! Lotsa nice people on here!
 
Sometimes there are times where relationships, or marriages get a little spicy and well, unspicy. Has he been under extra stress lately? You mentioned some things but I don't know what to say in regards to the gender issues and whatnot. It's great that you had a talk together and hopefully things will work out better. Sometimes all it takes is mentioning something to make the "spice" come back. As for the cheating thing, yeah I mean... it's possible but you know him better than us.
 

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