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Friends who never initiate
#1
Would you consider somebody a friend if they never called or sent you a message? What about the kind of situation where you knew for certain that if you stopped initiating then that would be it?

I've known someone since 2005 (university) who I later worked near for about 2 years. When she left she said stuff like "we'll always be friends" and "any time you want to talk etc." (2 years ago) but never makes the slightest bit of effort to stay in touch. She gives some short response to FB messages I've sent once every few months but never reciprocates. We've been to lunch a couple of times since but she wanted to turn up on my 10 minute break instead which I thought was an insulting not-so-subtle way of saying "I want to minimize the time spent around you".

Bar mitigating circumstances, people do what they want and avoid what they don't want, right? She must have thought I was a "nothing", a creep, loser. End of story.

I've noticed this with a couple of others, it's always been up to me, although it's more understandable since they moved to different cities. She lives 15 mins away. What gets me now is not the rejection, but the implication that I lack the intelligence to see things for what they are. There's this *need* to let her know without wanting to sound bitter and pathetic (impossible as I AM bitter). Not because I want to re-establish contact as there's nothing to salvage here ; just for my own satisfaction. If I'm being honest "guilt trip" might be the operative too. Yet I think they should feel guilty. I've been through some serious stuff lately, but wasn't worth TYPING A SENTENCE for.

So what do you peeps think ; a F U message followed but deletion (definately bitter and attention-seeking), a quiete deletion (still bitter), or nothing? Still worth keeping in contact if it's just one-way?
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#2
I say let it go. Either the "friend" will drift off or will ask you one day why you haven't bothered to stay in touch- that's the invitation to speak your thoughts.

Simple and neat!
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#3
In past, I once knew this sort of experience from the other side.. of course, I have no idea what occurs in the mind of your friend, but maybe you should give 'benefit of the doubt' to her.

Maybe.. if you hate she does not initiate, ask her why is this? I believe.. the chance can be good, an answer can be much different from what you think..
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#4
Hmmm sounds very familiar this, 250 people on my old fb were like that. so I deleted it permenantly.

I'd move on, if they can't write more than 3 words then sod them. Not exactly hard to type online, or make a text, or phonecall is it? Why I have given up my family too



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#5
Don't take it personally, I get that you are hurt because I've been in the same place myself.

It's actually one of the main reasons I don't have, and never had, a FB account, cause I couldn't deal with the fact I didn't have as many friends as everyone else, and worse, that they didn't make the effort to contact me.

I've found that people tend to have really close friends that they share pretty much everything with, and then a wider circle that they socialise with.

So don't delete your friend. I know its tough but you'll meet new people, and you'll probably find that friend wants to contact you again when they haven't hear from you in a bit. But if you burn the bridge you might not be able to repair it.

All the best
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#6
I know what you mean, I've had friends like this. Friends that are happy to call you up and complain bitterly about their lives, but when you try and get in touch with them they become flippant or sarcastic whenever you want some help. I'm thinking of one person in particular - eventually I wondered why I felt obligated to contact that person, and reflecting that even though we did spend quite a lot of time together in the past and were pretty decent friends, it has always been pretty much that way between us. Eventually I just stopped bothering to contact her altogether and, of course, I haven't heard from her since. Which is fine by me.

Of course I've been this person too, so I guess I'm a hypocrite. Again, one person in particular - although I had no idea why he wanted to keep in touch because we didn't really have anything in common and weren't all that close. Maybe I should've made the effort... but I've found that it's been that way with most of my old friends. We've just drifted apart - actually, they stuck together among themselves pretty well, but I didn't keep in touch with them and they didn't keep in touch with me. Maybe all of us should've made more of an effort.

Sheesh, that post kind of descended into rambling. Don't be bitter or hateful, like maybelazy said you might not be able to repair it if you need it later. For me the options would be nothing (letting it go) or having a serious talk with her about it and figuring out where you stand. I think those are both valid ways to go about it. But if you delete her it might end up being something you both regret.
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#7
Peoples lives change over the years. Someone they may have wanted to keep in touch with they just don't. They might think about it but never find the time. I have a friend who it seemed I always contacted. One day out of the blue he sends me a message, he heard a certain singer on the radio and thought of me. He sent a brief message to tell me that and say hi. It was nice for a change, he only did it once and hasn't since. It showed me that even ones who you may not hear from for a long time still do think about you, as we do them.
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#8
Keep an open mind when it comes to this person. Sounds like they don't want to lose contact with you completely. If I had to take a guess with the lunch situation, I'd say maybe they are a busy person or made different plans that day without telling you. People can grow apart as well..and maybe it's "different" these days but they still don't want to lose you.

There's also a difference between friends who go months without talking but think about each other all the time, and know they care about each other, and send a message or letter every so often letting them know. And friends who talk only when something is bothering them and when they want something. Just don't rely on people who can't be there for you and you won't be disappointed. That's really all you can do.

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#9
Well, if you are tired of always having to initiate, then maybe you should let it go. You don't have to delete contacts or anything drastic. Just focus your energy and initiative somewhere else, where you get more 'value for the money'. I know that's not easy though, if you don't have anyone else to take this persons place.
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#10
rdor, i think it's not really worth your time, trying to guilt trip them. i think you should move on, and look for better friends.

kestää.
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