How I Feel & What I Go Through

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Iceman1978

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I wrote this a while back. It's rather long, but it describes in detail how I sometimes feel.
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I disapprove of the word envy. Envy is a word and a feeling that I associate so much with being a victim. It is a word that I associate with not liking yourself, and of not being comfortable in your own skin. Envy is a word that I only link to my face and how it compares to the faces of handsome men that women seem to go for and that the camera loves. There are many things in this world that make one envious, but there is only one thing that I truly envy. Granted, there are times every now and then when I wish I had vast wealth....but it's a fleeting emotion. It is a passing feeling that lasts only a moment. I'm not talking about that normal kind of envy that so many of us experience at some time or another. After all, money can be earned and fortunes can be built. It is within our realm of possibilities to go out there and earn money. One can take it upon themselves to improve their financial standing, just as one can decide they want to lose weight, stop smoking, or get into better physical shape. No, what I am talking about my face. I am talking about that prison of flesh and bone that I am stuck with. That immovable block planted on my neck for all to see.

I can learn to accept all my other physical imperfections....but my imperfect face is more than I can bear. For it is the faces of good looking guys that women go crazy for. It's the faces of good looking people that grace the covers of magazines, billboards, movies and television. It's the faces that women react to when they swoon and croon "He is so HOT". Yeah, the guys in question may have good bodies (but so do many guys). What women react to on a visual level is the face. I see guys with such handsome faces and how easy it is for them, and how they don't even have to try. Women flirt with them like crazy. These guys walk around with a level of confidence that I can only dream of. No matter what other qualities I may possess, they all seem to get eclipsed by my ugly face. I will never walk in their shoes or live in the same world as they do. I will never know what it feels like to be wanted, to be worthy of desire, or to have someone to share my life with. I do not posses the qualities or characteristics that women go for. I'm not tall, I'm not athletic and I'm not handsome. Sometimes I'm not even nice. If I could be like others maybe things would be different. I will always wonder where things went wrong and wonder why I turned out the way I did. Maybe I have an incessant need to assign blame. Maybe I just believe that there has to be a reason for things like this. The sense of justice in me has a very difficult time accepting something the way it is. Buddha once said that life is a struggle. I agree. It's a beautiful struggle. I would love the struggle if I were handsome. Women would notice that I exist and perhaps even smile at me.

Take away all our science and technology. Strip away our comfort zones and beneath it all, we are all animals. Scientists have done studies that the human brain reacts to beautiful faces the same way it reacts to food. It has been demonstrated that even in babies they will react better to an attractive face than to an ugly one. Consider the significance of this for a moment. Babies are too young to read, too young to communicate the way children and adults do, and are not yet aware of the societal expectations of beauty, yet even a baby has a different reaction to an attractive face than to an ugly one. You could say that it is a base animalistic instinct. There is an evolutionary imperative why some people will attract a mate and why some do not. Call it survival of the fittest or the process of natural selection, survival of the species, call it whatever you like, but it is a decision that people make, even if done so subconsciously. Charles Darwin studied this when writing “The Origin of Species” and one can see this today in the mating habits of just about every living species known to man. In the strict Darwinian sense of the term one could say that human genes which are deemed to be inferior are left to wither on the vine, not deserving to be passed along to the next generation. Ugly is weeded out, little by little, from one generation to the next. On a long enough time scale, we will all be as beautiful as supermodels.

Beauty is a powerful thing. I often imagine how my life could have been different had I been born with that power. People react to you just by looking at you. Our face is the first thing that others notice. Another person can't look at you and see that you have a good sense of morals or character, nor can they look at you and know your personality or sense of humor. The fact of the matter is that if someone is repulsed by the sight of your face then none of who you are on the inside matters anyway. Being handsome or beautiful gives you an immediate advantage. Imagine the confidence, happiness and peace of mind that it would bring. Now imagine the opposite. Imagine that you have an ugly and misshapen face like mine, a face which has you trapped in your own personal hell. Imagine looking out at the world of beauty through your mask wondering why....and then catching a glimpse of yourself in the mirror and realizing why. Being ugly is the worst kind of punishment and discrimination. An ugly face is a prison. Weight can be lost, money can be earned, and our brain power can be developed, but our face doesn't leave us with very much room. Lookism is the ultimate form of bias. Good looking people of every race, color, creed and nationality are lusted after universally. Beautiful people are more likely to be respected by others, more likely to get hired (and for a better rate of pay), and less likely to ever take anti-depressants or develop problems with depression. Indeed, good looks cross all societal barriers. Unfortunately, so does ugliness. It is a cruel fact of like that the ugly are one of the last groups in which discrimination is acceptable.

I find it amazing that there are men and women in this world that can attract practically anyone without even trying. People will go weak at the knees and bend over backwards to please them. Those whom our society considers beautiful have this power. They have power and opportunity that others can only hope for, power and opportunity that I could only hope for. As much as I may resent it, and as much as I may wish it weren't so; I am rejected with one look. I look around and I see other people who are in relationships. I see couples together at the mall or at a restaurant, I see people I grew up with getting married and having families of their own, and I wonder what it was that I could have done to deserve being denied these things. I see photos on magazines, the internet and people on television and wonder why they look the way they do while I have to go through life in this prison of a face and body.

It's so unfair. It is an injustice that God would give such power to only some and deny it to others. I could deal with any struggle in life....but to be trapped in this face is the worst. I feel like a sexless worker drone in an ant colony. For all intents and purposes, I might as well be. Why would I be born with such a love and desire for life and women and yet be given this face? What incomprehensible sin could I have committed to deserve this kind of punishment? I'd like to think I'm someone of moral character. I'd like to think I'm the kind of person who believes in helping others and treating others the way I'd want them to treat me.

The Tibetans believe that if a problem can be solved there is no point in worrying over it, and if a problem can't be solved then worrying would do no good. As much as I try to maintain my faith in God, I just keep finding it hard to believe that God loves me. From a purely logical viewpoint, I don't know what I did to deserve this, and I may never understand it. I may never understand why God saw fit to make me the way he did. Maybe one day I'll know why, or maybe I won't. I can't change it though, so why do I continue to even care? This life, difficult as it may be, will eventually be over. Compared to eternity, we are born and we die in the blink of an eye. Perhaps in Heaven it won't matter what we look like. I like to think that in Heaven we are all beautiful.
 
I have to disagree that looks are everything. The Darwin thing, survival of the fittest, is a logical fallacy. Sure, looks are important for one night stands, but for friendships, and having fulfilling relationships, they are not.

It has to do more with behavior (confidence, self-esteem and such) that makes someone seem attractive. If you dress in normal clothes, have your hair cut, smell clean and be gregarious (outgoing), I can practically guarantee that you'll be looked on as "attractive".
 
I'm sorry, but do you have Body Dysmorphic Disorder? The way you are describing yourself is certainly not what I see. I'm sure a lot of men would love to look like you.

I also agree with AK, good looks are not an absolute requirement for a serious, long-term relationship. That depends mainly on the personalities of the people involved and I haven't met a serious woman yet where looks are the absolute number one requirement. It's always how he treats them, his personal values, his level of ambition, his cleanliness. I am not sure where your lack of confidence comes from, but it seems to be quite serious and quite deeply rooted. :(
 
So the Tibetans don't ever worry? I could equally argue that it's always better to expect the worst and prepare for every eventuality, but in many cases that would be a waste of time. In some cases worry could actually ruin you. So there's no single philosophy that opens all doors at all times.

Heaven, eternity, is a lie to get people to lay down their lives for the church, not be concerned with this world, and/or kill themselves. My own father killed himself thinking he would go to heaven and be done with this place, but like I said it's a lie, at least going from the Bible. Mark 10:29,30 - 12:57 and Luke 20:27-38 show very clearly we come back here, and there are no verses which say anything about an eternal heaven for the dead, only eternal life at the end of the age.

So theres no point killing yourself. You just come back in the same situation until you handle it differently. Reincarnation was true in Judaism, it didn't suddenly become untrue. It was widespread in the ancient world where there were no atheists who blame God for their own karma. It's true in the east.

Or maybe you prefer the Islamic heaven where you get x number of virgins for killing people in battle. Can't comment on any of that because I haven't read much of the Koran, so I'm no expert on Islam, but it sounds like the same pagan concept as Valhalla or the Elysian Fields to me.
 
For me it helps give me a sense of hope that the suffering will one day be over.

There are times when I'm so upset over my appearance that I find it hard to even go out in public.
 
Well technically faces can be changed too, plastic surgery and all that. All it costs is money, which can be made.
 
Yes, I agree with both Ak5 and Barbaloot.

What one person thinks of as good looking may not be what another person thinks.
Then there is confidence. The reaction you get from people when you are confident and you smile at them is SO different than if you expect the worst and greet people with a frown, an anxious look or if you avoid loking at them.

I'm no expert at attracting women, god if only you knew me!! :)
But being around people more and finding your own way to get on with them comes a little confidence and a better opinion of yourself.
It's true that we do get bombarded with images of so called 'good-looking' people from magazines, tv and such like, but who says you have to agree with those opinions. I find a lot of attractive people quite shallow and I wouldn't want to be around them.

I can be quite a serious person, I tend to be very responsible and do what is expected of me. But I use humour a lot to relax around people; if you can make people smile, it makes you feel better about yourself aswell. But other people have different techniques.
 
It's you. You have to live with it. Accept who you are. The suffering will be over once you realize that.
 
Ak5, If it were only that easy. When others are constantly finding fault with everything about you. I admit that I've improved from where I was a few years ago but it seems like no matter what I do to improve who I am that it never seems to be good enough.


I'll give you an example:

One day while I'm at work there were these two women leaving for the day. I'm talking to a co-worker and they tell him good-bye, addressing him by name, not just talking to both of us. He tells them good bye, and then I do the same, telling them to have a good weekend. Now I know they heard me, but they kept right on walking and didn't even acknowledge that I had spoken to them.

Now I was brought up to believe that even if you don't particularly like someone that if they speak to you, you be polite. Doesn't mean you have to like them or start up a conversation, but you still be cordial. To act the way they did is just childish and downright rude.
 
just speaking for myself...you <meaning 'you' in general> can be the most average looking man out there but your personality can exude sexiness...'looks' for lack of a better word doesn't mean anything to me as does the person within that makes me feel special...actually cares...makes me smile...makes me laugh...adds quality and meaning to my life...just my 2 cents...:)
 
(Not sure how to quote on here...)

"As much as I try to maintain my faith in God, I just keep finding it hard to believe that God loves me. From a purely logical viewpoint, I don't know what I did to deserve this, and I may never understand it. I may never understand why God saw fit to make me the way he did."

I have a lot of conditions that I was born with, that make me feel like I wasn't as lucky as other people. But I don't think it's that God doesn't love us; I think everyone has challenges we're meant to face in life, and God is cheering us on, and hoping we will face our problems bravely, and find happiness in spite of our 'handicaps'.

But it definitely is discouraging, how shallow a lot of people are. They only see someone's appearance, and don't look any deeper to see what kind of person they truly are, underneath. Their loss!! *hugs*
 
Ashariel, It's very discouraging to think about how shallow our society has become.

We live in a world where the very first impression that others have of us is based on our physical appearance. We notice that before anything else. If that weren't the case, then maybe I'd have someone. Maybe they would be able to see past what's on the outside and see me for who I am.

There are times when I wish I had been born blind. At least then I would never know what I look like physically.
 
It's natural to base everything on looks primarily. That is why being clean, having cut hair, being shaved, and not in ragged clothing is primordial in being looked on as good and attractive. Who would you trust? A businessman in a suit, cut hair, shaved, and smelling clean. Or, a businessman with messy hair, a dirty T-shirt, unshaven, and lacking deodorant? It would be the former.

Looks are indeed important. But not in the context that you put it in. This thing that you got going on:
Iceman1978 said:
There are times when I wish I had been born blind. At least then I would never know what I look like physically.

Drop it. Right now, drop it. Stop thinking like that. You need to get back on your feet dude. And you can do it. Society as a whole, is not shallow; some people are shallow. So, stop thinking like that. If you follow basic hygiene and take care of yourself, then you are attractive.

Drop that attitude, and take a "kick ass and chew bubble gum" type of attitude. :D
 
I follow basic hygiene. Always have. Always dress well, I'm not overweight, etc.
 
Honestly, I see you in a very attractive way by what you wrote. It's pretty amazing how you think.
 
DVEEUS said:
just speaking for myself...you <meaning 'you' in general> can be the most average looking man out there but your personality can exude sexiness...'looks' for lack of a better word doesn't mean anything to me as does the person within that makes me feel special...actually cares...makes me smile...makes me laugh...adds quality and meaning to my life...just my 2 cents...:)

+1

IMO this applies especially to men. I have seen "not so good looking guys" (I'm being polite here) with pretty girls. The reverse is not as common. As men, I tihnk we have it much easier than women when it comes to being judged on appearances.

It seems to me that you lack in the mental department (ie, shy, low self esteem, body image...etc) as opposed to the physical department.
 
Blue_Eyed_Symphony said:
Honestly, I see you in a very attractive way by what you wrote. It's pretty amazing how you think.

What do you mean?


passage said:
It seems to me that you lack in the mental department (ie, shy, low self esteem, body image...etc) as opposed to the physical department.

I don't think so. I really don't think so. There are times when it's hard for me to even look at my own reflection without getting upset. When women have told you right to your face that you're unattractive, that "you have no looks" as one once told me, or that "even I have standards" when asked to dance at a party or even just get a cup of coffee, and you're treated this way long enough; you eventually start to believe it.


My grandmother always thought I was handsome, as does my mother and aunt. My father doesn't like to discuss it with me. People have often said that I resemble my father, so maybe when I criticize my appearance it's like I'm criticizing his. My stepfather told me that I was just "average" and that a mother will always see her son through a different set of eyes than the rest of the world.
 
passage said:
+1

IMO this applies especially to men. I have seen "not so good looking guys" (I'm being polite here) with pretty girls. The reverse is not as common. As men, I tihnk we have it much easier than women when it comes to being judged on appearances.

It seems to me that you lack in the mental department (ie, shy, low self esteem, body image...etc) as opposed to the physical department.

i am really not understanding how you get that i lack in the mental department from my statement...wow...:rolleyes2:
 

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