"Some people like to be a lone"...Ok I am reeling a bit from this comment!

Hi. I am reeling a bit from an innocent (I think) comment made by a male acquaintance of mine (who I have a crush on).

He was working at my house and I asked if he wanted to come tomorrow to work (finish up the job). He said "I like to work, sure beats staying home a lone in my apartment". To that I said "you don't feel any comfort there"? And he said "No, I don't like to be alone. When you've been with someone for a years you get used to not being a lone.. Some people like to be a lone, not me". He also said "I basically only sleep there".

I responded "oh, of course I understand".

This guy is a divorced guy...been single for two years.

Okay, when he said this I had like a flood of emotions go thru me.

First off, I only asked because I wondered if he felt any comfort and hominess in his place. To me it's not very healthy to never feel comfortable in your home or being a lone (you can disagree with me here if you wish) especially if you are single. While I do much better with an intimate relationship in my life...I can be very happy in my home a lone. I've made my home into my sanctuary where I feel it is my rest, my "home" and because I have my books, my computer, my hobbies, pets, backyard, I only feel occasionally lonely at home. I have filled my home with beauty and stuff that inspires me...so I generally don't feel alone. I love my alone time.

I felt when he said that that he may have made a comment on me. He knows I live alone and knows that my work is kind of alone, too. We've been working together all week so he knows a bit more of my life...and I am an "independent" person for sure. I wanted to say "Hey! While I love my alone time, I also love being in an intimate relationship and I am not my best without one." I wanted to let him know I am not happy being a lone all the time...it's just my life, my circumstances...and my personality from being alone as a child.

I also kind of felt judged. LIke many of you here...I want to feel less alone but don't always know how to not be a lone. I love companionship, friendship and all that but because I grew up very alone...I have become a more "lonely" person than the average person but that doesn't mean I am cold hearted, or don't need anyone. I guess I've become really good at being alone because I have to?

Am I making sense?

This comment made me worry if I am being judged in a negative way. It made me sad if I am because the truth is so much more complex.

And lastly, even though I have a crush on this guy...I have to say that while I like how he wants to be in a relationship it is a little bit of a turn off that he isn't more self-sufficient and can't generate some of his own joy and at least develop himself a little more to create a life for himself on his own. Like why can't he feel some comfort and joy in being home alone? Why hasn't he developed himself in this way?

I want to ask all of you this...do you think it's healthy for a single person to not feel comfortable in their apartment? To not be able to feel good being a lone at all? Is my ability to be alone in my home, the making it a sanctuary positive or negative? Is it seen as being more developed and whole or just a negative reaction to a lonely life?

Thoughts?

No it's not healthy at all. It makes me think the person is probably very immature. Most of the people that I know are like that turn out to have tons of drama going on in their lives. Without the drama they have nothing to do, nothing to talk about, and nothing interesting at all going on in their minds.

Thanks for your imput on this!

This man is a mature man. He is a great man...friendly, helpful, kind, etc...I think he is in the middle 50's.

But I agree....although getting over a divorce is hard and being single can be a shock....I don't think it's healthy to not feel good in your own apartment ever...to not be able to generate some kind of joy, happiness, contentedness on your own.

Having said that maybe I've learned too much to be content?

Yet...I also think you can only share what you know when you are in a relationship and if you can't create your own joy...you shouldn't steal it from others either.

I don't know!

When you find yourself alone for the first time in many years after a death or divorce or what ever, it can be difficult or uncomfortable to be alone. An empty house can seem too quiet and too uncomfortable. The silence screams.

While I possibly always needed more alone time than most people I found a constantly empty house close to unbearable. In time I adjusted to my new situation and again could enjoy my alone time.

I do not know your friends situation but there was a time when I felt the same as what you quoted. For me it was a passing thing.

I don't think he is judging you. I think it says more about his own sense of emptiness and even loneliness if he has to fill it with STUFF in order not to....feel....clastrophobiaed by it.

Sophia....are you referring to him or I?

He avoids being home a lone with work/keeping busy.

I feel good in my home because of the way I decorated it, my garden, my books, my garden. Is that "stuff" negative or unhealthy?

I am sorry...I didn't get your post entirely.

SophiaGrace said:

I don't think he is judging you. I think it says more about his own sense of emptiness and even loneliness if he has to fill it with STUFF in order not to....feel....clastrophobiaed by it.

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If he's uncomfortable inside his house, that's his choice.

It's all a matter of personal preference; you being fine at home is the same. Your choice. If you're fine with it, that's all that matters.

Gah, I don't know... But it does seem like if you have a crush on him, and he's indicated that he doesn't want to be alone... Maybe it's worth giving the relationship a try? Regardless of how 'unhealthy' his current situation is, if getting together ends up being a happy thing for both of you, I see that as a positive!

Though I agree, a perfectly well-adjusted person would theoretically be okay with being alone. But divorce can really set people back. I've been separated for nine months and I'm still a confused mess!

Seems to me that if you like him, it's worth giving your relationship a chance, and not disqualifying him based on the fact that he's struggled with being single since his divorce. Then again I have no experience with 'rebound' dating... I've heard it comes with its own challenges and pitfalls, so I'm not discounting your concerns either :/

Good luck!!

Oh, I am not rejecting him at all...just wondering about his inability to be a lone.

Of course it's his choice...obviously..I respect that. Everyone is different.

But that not being able to be alone is very different from me...and I am just wondering about it. Also, I am not sure that someone who cannot be a lone be a good relationship partner because if their main motivation was not being able to be alone...how true are they in the relationship? Is he run by fear of aloneness?

And if anything, I felt he might have been commenting on me...and was judging me. That was what the post was about. I wonder if he could understand someone like me. It also made me wonder if others judge people like me (being able to live a lone) as being deficient or "less than" in some way.

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Ak...I know it's choice.

I am just wondering about it.

And if you read my initial post...I wasn't judging him per se but was wondering if he (or others) judge me as being less than human because I am able to live alone.

Ak5 said:

If he's uncomfortable inside his house, that's his choice.

It's all a matter of personal preference; you being fine at home is the same. Your choice. If you're fine with it, that's all that matters.

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I think you're right in being wary, and that a person needs to be okay with himself before he can be okay in a relationship. There's definitely a lot of validity to your concerns!

But as for being judged... That's not something you can control. It's a fact of life; judgemental people WILL judge you, for a variety of stupid reasons, and there's not a darned thing you can do about it. Just do what feels right to you, and don't worry so much about the opinions of judgemental people!

You don't need to wonder about it, in my opinion.

To reiterate, if you're comfortable in your own home, that's all that matters; your comfort.

I certainly know what it feels like to be judged for being a person who prefers my own company. On the other hand, I have done my fair share of judging when it comes to people who have nothing going on in their lives except going out and drinking.

You've already said that he is divorced, so that's a legitimate reason for being uncomfortable at home alone. However after 2 years you'd think he'd have found a more moderate way of dealing with it than by only using home as a place to sleep.

However he is also dealing with loneliness by leaving his home, being out and about. You've dealt with it by 'filling your home with beauty and stuff that inspires you.' They're just different responses to emptiness, both equally valid. It's possible that he hasn't developed his home life because the way he is dealing with it is working for him, and that's fine too.

AK. This is a discussion forum about relationships and loneliness. I brought up this issue because I wanted to discuss it.

So whether or not I "need" to worry about it isn't the issue. I know I don't "need" to worry about it but I want to discuss it.

And NO, the issue isn't whether I am comfortable...I want to know more about men who cannot be alone to understand what makes them tick.

Is that OK with you?

If you don't like me asking the question then just ignore my posts, OK?

Thank you.

Ak5 said:

You don't need to wonder about it, in my opinion.

To reiterate, if you're comfortable in your own home, that's all that matters; your comfort.

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AJ...I agree with most of your post except that his and mine's way of dealing with is equally valid.

My making a home a home to me is very healthy. And it really doesn't have to do with loneliness because I would do with a partner or not. I do it because it brings me joy, it makes my home mine, because I enjoy doing so...it's an expression. It's not out of desperation or a need to "fill up"...just a way I like to live to make the best out of life.

Him, on the other hand, who doesn't appear to be able to enjoy his apartment, even after a hard days at work, and only sleeps there...that is different. He hasn't learned to nurture himself and to fill himself up. He's waiting for someone else to do it. He is waiting for someone to come along and make it all nice and fun again.

Look, I really like this man as a possible friend and a person. He is terrific. Just sayin' I don't think it's a healthy (or fun!) way to live to not feel you can ever relax, rest and enjoy yourself on your own. It must be exhausting and hard. I am sure he will grow thru this, though.

I also think we bring to relationships what we already have. He has developed himself in many ways, just not this one.

I agree with you that it is not healthy to feel uncomfortable with your own home, much more, to feel uncomfortable with your own company. But I don't think he meant to judge you nor what he said was pertaining to you, rather than his frustration and feeling of emptiness inside.. as what soph has said.

he said... when you've been with someone and has gotten used to having the company of that someone, you will miss that if it's gone. Maybe his home reminded him too much of his past relationship. the life they shared together in that place. Or that he just misses having someone. I do understand his feelings though. Maybe it's probably harder to lose a wife/husband than a gf/bf. Cos when you marry someone, it was set in your mind that this person is the person you will end up together at the end.

I also think that when he said... someone people can handle being alone..maybe he said it cos he knows you're living alone but he is right after all. each person has different preferences. Also when he said... it's not for me... It can be considered as stating his weakness, rather than your preference. He can't be alone. at least he knows.

But I think he probably just misses his life with his ex-wife. Misses the person he was having a wife. It doesn't automatically mean they are shallow people who can't enjoy their own company. It's kinda sad, his situation.

I am sorry if I offended you.

Forums are for posting opinions, and I am doing just that. It is YOUR choice to accept them or not. If you want to discuss it, do just that. You can't stop me from posting my thoughts.

Good luck.

I personally love being alone.

Living in a house with three kids, an older sister, and a mom, I generally don't have time to be alone. There's always somebody coming in here and intruding on my space...that is, if I escape to my room.

I can't really state this in a romantic sense, because I've never had a girlfriend. But I just don't see myself being comfortable enough to snuggle with, and include someone in every aspect of my life. I'm too private for that.

Yes, I think you are right.

And I really don't feel that today. He probably does wonder how I can be alone so much and still be cheerful. That is probably totally foreign to him.

But I don't think he is shallow...I never thought that.

Hey the more power to you if you can be happy in your home while alone. Absolutely nothing wrong or weird about that. It's a positive thing to do and just because you are alone and are fine with it doesn't make you a selfish person or anything like that. Everybody is different and the way they grew up can make someone who they are nowdays. It's always good to have a little happiness in alone time, as it's a good preparation in case something ever did happen to a loved one and you are all alone.

So in his situation, being alone is probably extra hard as he was with someone for awhile and divorce is a terrible thing to go through. If anything I'd make sure that he is over the ex wife and isn't wanting someone to..well.. have someone.

I feel a bit low after reading the comments here because I feel uncomfortable at home because I am alone here, while everyone else here seems to be ok with it. I go out every day because I want to get away from the emptiness, but I don't like coming back afterwards. It's nice to have my books and stuff which I have chosen for myself, but the lack of a partner makes my home feel very empty.

Tiina63 said:

I feel a bit low after reading the comments here because I feel uncomfortable at home because I am alone here, while everyone else here seems to be ok with it. I go out every day because I want to get away from the emptiness, but I don't like coming back afterwards. It's nice to have my books and stuff which I have chosen for myself, but the lack of a partner makes my home feel very empty.

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(hugs)