"Troubled people will bring me down!"

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

HappyYogi

Well-known member
Joined
Sep 15, 2010
Messages
323
Reaction score
0
Location
Southern CA
I find this interesting yet sort of offensive.

I visit a blog for a long time single woman in her 40's. She is very erudite, intelligent, makes a great living but she is very frustrated, and lonely at being single and talks about it freely (and anonymously) on her blog.

Once again today she mentioned how she fears getting involved (friendship or otherwise) with anyone with mental health issues or financial issues. She said she worries that getting involved with these people might "overturn her boat" and risk her survival.

I found this very odd and not emotionally generous.

I myself am friends with people who have less than I do and I have never ever thought of dumping them because of it. Ditto for men I have dated.

Also, "mental health issues" is very broad....if a person is basically nice, and I enjoy sharing chatting with them, I will have no issue making friends with them. In fact, I enjoy being a source of strength for my friends...as I hope they can be for me when I need it. It's an opportunity to give.

I have never been afraid that befriending or dating someone with some issues would ruin me! In fact, I have no issues with befriending the poor, the old, the "outcast", the lonely...if I enjoy them, I enjoy them, period.

This woman has a great income, a very stable job yet she can't bring herself to befriend anyone with less? I don't get it. Where is the generosity? Where is the kindness and acceptance? Since she does not have financial issues...why does other people's financial problems bother her?

I really believe that in order to get love, kindness, acceptance and all those wonderful things....we must give it. And I really like to give it! I mean I don't like everyone...but I never "size people up" to see if they are "good enough" to be my friend. My best friend is a poor immigrant but we connect and can talk and share about many things, that is where it matters.

I think this has to do with this woman. I think since she cannot yet tolerate her neediness, her own problems, her own insecurities, she cannot handle anothers.

I really think that to be a loving person one needs to be strong and aware.

What do you think? I am appalled at the lack of inclusiveness/tolerance/acceptance a significant portion of the population practices. I don't get it...my life and suffering have only taught me to be more loving, accepting, not less.

???
 
When i am not depressed or having suicidal thoughts. I tend to stay away from depression or suicide support sites for fear it'll bring me down to that level again.

Is that bad?
 
No, I don't think so Sophia. You have a good reason.

Everyone can, of course, choose who they want to associate with. I just have noticed there are many in our society who will not give others a chance because they don't have the right financial, relationship status, for example. Or not the same socio economical strata. It is this rejection on these terms I am wondering about.
 
You're a really sweet and generous person!

I have to admit I'm cautious who I get involved with, because I've had bad experiences with deadbeat family members who really DID drag my husband and me down. After numerous drug busts, murder attempts, prostitution charges, break-ins, drive-by shootings at our house, etc... We finally had to put our foot down and not bail these people out, every time they got in trouble.

And I'm a giant hypocrite because I have mental health issues myself, but I recently made the hard decision to distance myself from a very sweet but mentally disabled guy, who lives in a group home nearby. He was in love with me, bordering on stalking... I had tried to be kind to him, but he ended up fixating on me, and - gah, I had to back away from that situation. I really do feel bad about that, but at the same time I also think I deserve a say in how I live my life, and that I shouldn't have to be "best friends" with him forever, just because he wants me to :(

It's so confusing, and heartbreaking sometimes!
 
Like Soph and Ashariel have said, sometimes you simply cannot deal with other people's problems, either because you're too busy with your own or because they have the potential to become abusive. I think the problem lies in people being flippant about your problems. For example if I were to openly say that I simply can't deal with someone's problems because I'm going through some tough honeysuckle, and then point them in the direction of someone who can help them better than I can - that's much better because it's honest. Some people will, however, flippantly dismiss others' problems because they don't want the hassle, and without any regard for their feelings. This might be because they can't solve your issues with a few platitudes and a pat on the back, and it makes them feel helpless; maybe it's because they don't understand what you're going through because, maybe they haven't felt depressed and suicidal all the time themselves, and thus don't bother trying to empathize.

As for finances, I think if someone is going to be a financial drain on you and you won't be able to afford it, then that is something that should be brought up and dealt with up-front. For excessively rich people though, well, their relationships with others who are worse off are of great concern to everybody their actions are beggaring, but that's beyond the scope of this reply.

About the blog - from your wording it seems like she is just expressing her thoughts and fears, rather than chronicling people that she's dumped for this reason. I'd say it's fine to feel worried about these things, especially if you've been harmed in the past by them. What would not be okay is for her to find someone she is really attracted to and then to reject them based solely on their mental health or financial position. I also don't know what are her criteria for someone who will bring her down so I can't know whether she's being ableist or classist or whatever.
 
maybe for "mental health" she meant guys with a lot of emotional baggage, or emotionally distant, and who don't want to work on it? and for "financial issues" she meant guys whose idea of a future is moving on someone's couch to live off them?

Not playing the devil's advocate here, but the above interpretation is the first one that came to my mind, in that sense I agree with her :)

I guess maybe the key is, if there are issues, that they are really willing to improve, so the eventual mental illness or financial difference is somehow secondary (for me at least).
 
HappyYogi said:
I think this has to do with this woman. I think since she cannot yet tolerate her neediness, her own problems, her own insecurities, she cannot handle anothers.

I really think that to be a loving person one needs to be strong and aware.

This [the bold] is, in my opinion, among the wisest things I have come across on here.

The saying, "One must love themselves before they can love another", rings so much truth.

Since I can only speak for myself, I've often felt like an emotional vampire/vulture. I try to stay withdrawn from people... I hate the idea that I suck people into my own misery. You can only fake it for so long.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top