My sad poem - Your thoughts please

Folks, Id greatly appreciate your thoughts on this.

I do sometimes have somewhat very depressive moments, but i never really let it all out. And there are moments where i think of the greatest poems and then theyre gone in an instant. Here what ive done ive tried to write down my emotions whilst i was down and make it into a poem.

.Yet to be titled.

Of all the people that i see
only one had really looked at me
his eyes bore down into my soul
unlocked the secrets that i hold

a frown creases acoss his face
and in his eyes i see
a wanten look of pure disgrace

we struggle for a word
blank looks through half an eye
and out of nowhere i thought i heard
a faint whisper asking why?

a tear rolls down his face
he starts to tremble
hes stuck in this place

he screws up his eyes
his expression twists
what is he hiding
what have i missed?

tears fall to the floor
i try to comfort him
but i want to do more

im hurting he says
what the hell can i do
its been like this for days
and now im trapped here with you

heavy lines imposed on his brow
he grabs me and crys
of all the years its even worse now


now im alone
how will i cope
being hollow to the bone
no future no hope

no lover no friends
theres just you
you to the end

i try and assure him it'll all be fine
things do get better
just give them time

i tear rolls down my cheek
hes getting to me now
ive gotta leave im feeling weak

wiping a tear off my face
i open the door and into the hall
leaving him trapped in his place
in the mirror on the wall


The poem basically describes a bit of what i went through when i split with my girlfriend, and no matter how bad your troubles get.. talk about them, to a friend a family member, place of worship, online friend or even here. Just don't suffer in silence it only makes things worse. I still to this day pretend like nothings wrong when im around my family they have no idea whats going on in my life, im just worried they'll see me as being weak, and id rather not have the whole family talking about me. Is this a wise decision,, probably not, but its the one ive made....for now.

I think it's really good that you wrote out some of your feelings
and I think the poem is quite good. it's got creative rhymes and good rythym.

mucho kudos

thanks for the feedback. I did pass this around a couple of my msn contacts and their feedback was varied. However a few seem to have missed what the poem was all about.

If youve read this could you pm me what the poem meant to you, id be rather interested to see what comes back.

Thanks again

down to earth, like it

I got the impresssion it was about you comforting someone else.. namely the person you mentioned in one of your other posts. Thats what it made me think of.

Pretty well written, you didn't force any rhyming words in there

Wow, I like it it's simple, yet there's something about it that gets you thinking.. Thinking and relating to how you are feeling when you wrote this.. The rhymes are beautiful and the feelings are real, I love it.

Keep it up but only if you feel the passion you felt when you were writing this..
x3.

I'm a fan of the "show, not tell" rule of writing, but sometimes it's good to simply translate pure emotion and passion into words, and this is a great, simple example of that. You can feel the emotion in every word.