why do people disappear? why do they come?

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Peaches

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People are SO puzzling, knowing that maybe they mean no harm doesn't make it better... (reading this again, it feels like a rant, if it looks too long don't bother reading it)

I had this best friend, after we met three years ago we totally hit it off, we started chatting daily, then by accident I moved in a town near to where she lives and we would meet more often. She initiated contact more than I did, and she seemed to enjoy our relationship, although I had this nagging impression that she was looking for me only when she was sad, because she was going through some kind of depression, and I was going through that too. In fact she was always very open, she invited me over for Christmas for two years in a row, she was always available, and a good friend overall. Still, I was really surprised and kind of appalled when last year she told me that she was pregnant and basically disappeared. I tried to call her a few times to know how she was doing but she mostly sounded distant and almost embarrassed to talk with me. Some times she sends the odd little line of facebook, but nothing more. We met a few times, but there is always this ice in the air; I thought all this happened because she was happy with the baby and forgot about me, but last time we met she mentioned that she still has the depression, I don't know what for, at the time we were still talking she always said that she was so sad, but refused to say "why" (I know, I should have asked some more, you console someone for two years and you don't know about what?!). I wish I could help her with the baby but we live 1 hour of train away, and I don't know much about babies, and I still don't understand if she just "got a life" so I, as a single, cannot have a place in it, or if I did something wrong to make her disappear, which is also very possible, or if that is just what happens when people have babies.
Before I found it a bit strange that she would spend evenings talking to me instead of spending time with her partner, but she never mentioned anything wrong with it either, which confused me because each time I met the partner he was strongly complaining about the relationship (!), which is usually not a good sign, is it? But she never talks about him, when she does she says that everything is going well. Anyway, I wish I could be there for her, and, to be selfishly honest, I miss her to be there for me. I don't mind if she is busy, but I have the feeling that she doesn't like me anymore. And I am confused, because I didn't understand why she liked me in the beginning, and now I don't understand why she doesn't anymore, and I feel so clueless and powerless, and I feel I am too old to feel like that.

well, sorry about the rant, maybe you have more clues than me
 
I find people are always full of surprises, always more complicated than you think they are. I'm sorry you are no longer such an important part of her life, but think of all the times you were.
 
It is odd, I suppose people don't make time for friends like they should when their life becomes busier and more complicated. Thats just some peoples nature.

This is also a guess but maybe post natal depression could have been a factor in her change of mood? Also the fact she suffered from depression prior to meeting her partner might not be common knowledge or something she is comfortable about and is trying to put that behind her and put on a front for her child, family etc and maybe the fact you know all that and were part of her life at that time she is maybe keeping you at arms length as a result?

I don't know, pick a reason, really! You could tie yourself up in knots, personally I would wish her well in your mind and try to let it go, it sounds as if she has changed and the old friend you knew doesn't exist anymore. It is sad when that happens though.
 
There's several possible reasons for her actions, and it's easy to try and assume which one it is. Sometimes it can be what you are thinking and sometimes not. I can only take a guess based on what you've written and maybe she isn't happy with her boyfriend and maybe had an oopsie child. With depression on top of that and post par tum depression, it doesn't make it any easier. It's probably nothing you did, unless there is something you can think of that you did or said. Otherwise I wouldn't worry about it being something with you, but it's just something with her. Having a baby really takes up a lot of your time and it's hard to have a social life/relax between caring for a baby. I would just simply tell that you miss her, and that you want to hang out soon. And then you could offer to help her if she wants.
 
That sort of situation your friend is in, so many things can occur in her life that is nothing at all to do with you, and can make her act that way. It only is cruel to your self conclude she does not like you any longer.. from the things you wrote, it does not look there is any true reason to believe that is so.

Maybe it is the depression, or stress of a baby, or issues with her partner she is embarass about and so does not tell you.. maybe her feeling is that you could not relate to her much any longer now she has a baby, or simply she does not have time.. There are many more things that are possible, and so truly you should not conclude she does not like you any longer.

If you can tell her you will remain a friend, and support her if she needs it, maybe it will return to a closer friendship some day.. but really that is all you can do, so you should not stress too much about it.

Best of luck to you
 
People come and go. I still don't understand why the hell so many people keep popping out all these **** babies. I have been trying to make sense of it for years. I just don't get it, especially in this economy,and the world population is already ridiculously high. I just wish women would keep their legs closed and men would just go plant their dicks elsewhere... like on a cactus or a porcupine.
 
I don't think she dislikes you. She does have a child now, so every waking moment can't be spent with everyone else. Call her up, ask her how the baby is, and see if she'd be able to out to lunch with you along with the baby. I'd try to make it into something fun. People don't realize how much of a person's life is consumed by having a baby. I'm not saying that that's all what the issue is, but it's probably a big part of it. Talk to her about it if it unsettles you so much.
 
To me it feels like you two grew apart...maybe she is busy, maybe she met other people, time and space can do that, it's not really about you, i don't she likes you less, it's just that the circumstances are different now.

I would rather try to address your question than your story. Sometimes we meet with people and we share a few years, we see it as a friendship or a relationship that was nice and it's gone. But in the end the truth is we grow during those years, maybe months. We grow and we becomes a different person with their help or by helping them. Time changes us, i don't say in a bad way. Sometimes people leave, maybe there's nothing we can learn from each other anymore or maybe they are learning from a different person now.

What is important is to keep in mind the times we spend together, to make sure we remember the steps we took and to be grateful for what we had cause no person is in our life without a purpose. And letting go is part of life just as much as welcoming new people. friends.
 
Peaches, I am sorry for this confusion and hurt.

I don't pretend to know what happened although I do know one thing. It is very common for women who have had babies to suddenly be more distant towards friends who don't have them.

Not all women but many. Maybe most.

It's also common with people who are married. It's like because of their major life change they just want to hang with others who are also doing the same thing.

There are many articles about it online.

I wouldn't throw in the towel yet. In time she may come around. It's hard to say.

I am so sorry. It doesn't seem fair or right and it's not something I would do, but it is a common experience in the world of women. Men are a bit more tolerant than that.
 
Why does it matter exactly? No offense, but spawning is a pretty big life adjustment. Even if she stayed in your life she probably would not have as much time for you.

Either way her focus is her child now, not you.
 
the vast majority of people are users

be selective

have standards

test the waters

never be too eager to call a person "friend" without first knowing what his or her idea of friendship is

once you see just how one-sided it is, you will feel like a fool and be emotionally invested in that person

same goes for relationships
 

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