I've been let down and lied to.

I guess I should start off by introducing myself.. I am an 18 year old girl with low self esteem and a really messed up family situation. My name is Jessie. I have Diabetes, type 1 and have had it for 14 years, come the 21st of January.

My family situation is like this, a year ago my dad decides that he thinks my mom doesn't love him because she's trying to take care of his children and make them happy so he up and leaves. Meanwhile living with another woman while he tries to sort things out with my mom. A married woman I might add, one whom he's been friends with since before I was born and he used to work with my dad with Apple. We had it good; money, nice house, both parents.. Every selfish person's dream- money, popularity, and stuff like that.

So he came back from his time away after like 2 weeks and broke it off with my mom, gave her the divorce papers on her birthday in fact. Just what everyone wants for their birthday and a wonderful Christmas present as well, our house was repossessed by the bank because my father refused to help us pay for it. So his children suffer the consequences because he doesn't want to do anything to help his ex wife. There have been other similar instances in which my dad has been selfish, and not helped out because he didn't want my mom to be happy.

One was a while back, since I have Diabetes I need health insurance or else I don't get my medical supplies and since we had a family plan and we weren't a family anymore my dad got rid of it. Then it took forever for us to get it back, my mom even had to pay for it for a little while. I mean I almost had to go to the hospital...

Typical situation though, deadbeat dad doesn't pay enough child support and alimony or doesn't pay on time or any of the like.

Okay so then, get this to make it even better, he got his visiting rights taken away for drugs. Which he got from his new wife(we weren't told that he was married until after the fact). His wife is a known pill popper and was addicted to a number of prescription drugs for a long period of time. But was supposedly off the drugs long enough to get to see her own kids, from multiple spouses(ex spouses I should say...) So he tested clean finally, for a while he refused to take the tests and he finally did and passed which isn't too hard even if you are doing drugs.

When I was growing up I had a good relationship, I thought.. And then I find out that he had been doing drugs with my mom in our basement, when they were with their friends partying or whatever.. I mean I know you wouldn't wanna tell your kids something like that but that's not the only thing he lied about of course.

He was a major alcoholic, never hit us but was a little bit too rough, you know... He always drank alone down in the basement, we had our own little bar down there.

When I got into my preteen years, I grew apart from my dad and started talking back to him and being a general smart ass. I was angry and felt no one cared(I am a middle child, with a twin sister and a younger brother.) Then when I was 16 my dad really told me how he felt and I understood and I started working on our relationship and I really wanted it to be good. You know I wanted him to be there for me and I saw how mean I had been to him. I wanted to make it right. And then one year ago it all disappeared, he lost all the trust in me that he had gained and obviously he wasn't there for me anymore so we've grown apart to where it doesn't even feel right to call him my dad anymore.

So one question I've been trying to answer since that time, now since that important relationship in my life is gone how do I replace it? I mean I've tried just ignoring it but I'm not one to forget about things that are bothering me, for long. I've also tried (not on purpose) treating someone else that's close to me like a father figure but I've learned one person cannot be everything to you, it's just too much responsibility. My boyfriend was my father figure, in a way, he was my support in this difficult time and he was, and still is my love.

I mean at one time in my life I was depressed and cutting myself and I saw no way out. I don't want to be that girl, not again. I mean it's debatable whether that stage is completely over for me because I still feel depressed often and go back to wanting to harm myself in anyway possible, even punching my friend's knuckles because he has a ring on, over and over again.

I really do apologize for the long post, this is mostly everything I had to get off my chest. I'll probably be back to answer questions and update often so keep an eye out. See yaz.
x3.

Good morning, Jessica.

First, allow me to welcome you to A Lonely Life and for having the courage to talk about yourself and your fears. Especially going into such detail as you have - its a very brave thing to reveal what many others would rather conceal, and even braver to seek help. Our natural reaction to pain is avoidance, not confrontation, so you've taken the first and second steps in truly improving yourself.

Your family situation is difficult; short of it is that for the most part, you've been physically supported but not emotionally supported. I was in a similar situation, myself, and can attribute a lot of my issues to it. We're designed to expect unconditional love and support from our parents; they are come to mentally model what idealized gender concepts are to us and this influences us for the rest of our lives. For example, I've noticed that I find women with a similar personality as my mother to be attractive - even though by all logic, being in a relationship a workaholic woman is asking for a disaster in the making(much as it was for my family).

When we lack good parental figures, we begin to look for surrogates elsewhere. You did that with your boyfriend, and I was impressed by your perceptiveness when you acknowledged it. You sought for unconditional love from him by giving him your emotional dependancy; when that fell through, its a painful disappointment to put it lightly. It indicates that 1)your trust was misplaced, and 2)your judgment to trust was misplaced. So now, while you're still looking for the relationship of total trust(because, well, we want to be loved!), you don't know if you could find it anymore(and feel pretty certain that you can't, with past experiences and all that). That leads to hopelessness, pain, etc; cutting yourself is an attempt to take control of the pain, by inflicting it upon yourself.

So that's your current situation. I do like how you are taking positive steps to improve your future, trying to see where you made mistakes and coming here for another perspective.

So here's my thoughts to "how to replace the most important relationship of my life" and the solutions that I've found from others and myself.

1) Understand that the most important relationship in your life is going to be the one you have with yourself. You are the only one that you are absolutely going to have to deal with for the rest of your life. Everybody and everything else should pale in comparison. Who are you? What do you want from life? What do you want from others? These are very good questions to have the answers within you at all times.

2) You can't ignore your emotions, but neither do you need to surrender to their every whim. The trick to this is realizing that your emotions are an important part of you, but are not the whole of you. To ignore the existence of your emotions would be like trying to ignore the existence of your left leg - it'll be both painful, mystifying and crippling for you. To define yourself entirely by emotion would be like trying to define who you are by the condition of your left leg. Both are silly.

Understand that emotions are useful and integral to who you are, and that you'll hurt or be happy thanks to them, but also know that they /can/ be wrong, and when they are, its all right to overrule them with logic. You'll feel better at the end of it

3) Find something that you can depend on. This varies for every person, and you'll get a lot of different answers from many different people. My choice has been to try to make myself a dependable person - so if I tell myself that I'm going to wake up, brush my teeth, shower, and work out for twenty minutes, I'll do so. If I fail, well, that shows room for improvement, why its so hard to depend on others, and that I'm becoming more dependable as a human being.

I hope this helps you somehow. Once again, we're glad to hear from you; keep us updated, and I'm personally confident that you'll be in a happy situation soon enough.

Regards,
IO

So one question I've been trying to answer since that time, now since that important relationship in my life is gone how do I replace it? I mean I've tried just ignoring it but I'm not one to forget about things that are bothering me for long. I've also tried (not on purpose) treating someone else that's close to me like a father figure but I've learn one person cannot be everything to you, it's just too much responsibility. My boyfriend was my father figure in a way, he was my support in this difficult time and he was, still is my love.

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OMG...this story seems almost unbelievable to me.

well, for ignoring it--I personally think is not a good idea. I think acceptance should be the 1st step to any solution.


hm...I'm trying to remember how I felt when mine divorced, I was in 1st grade then. So ,at, I think, age 7 ,I ran away from home...

don't do anything like that.

Rainy, how old are u now?

Rainy,

Everyone here is ready to listen, as well as give you some meaningful feedback that comes from our hearts. It's a wonderful community, and I find that my favorite time of the day is coming home from work, logging on, and spending half an hour updating posts, messages, and the like.

You will never forget the way things went for you, but you have to move on. Reality doesn't have a rewind/record over function, although if it did I'd be much the better for it. Shitty things happen to us in life, and it sounds like you've had more than your fair share of pain and loss. You can replace things that were lost, but like Ignored said, it takes time.

I would also implore you to be careful in whom you place your trust! I find that when we're vulnerable, we'll reach out for any hand, even one that may not have our best interest at heart. My wish for you is that you find those in whom you can truly trust, and that they bring you some sense of joy or belonging.

I am 18, just about to graduate but certain things such as money and emotional support hold me back from moving out when I leave for college. I also said that in my first post but whatever.. >.>

Thanks everyone for your feedback, I really appreciate the kind words compelling me to move on with my life. I have to move on but be cautious, you can't trust everyone.

As for my story being unbelievable I'm not sure why, but I'd just like to say that it's all true, why would I lie about something like this? I came here to get it off my chest, you'll never get anywhere if you lie to people that are trying to help you.

And I agree ignoring a situation will never make anything better...

I guess not many people want to read this story cos it's so long... =/. Thanks for the help everyone that bothered to read it.. =].

Personally I don't buy into all of Froids(sp) theories which is a large part of our culture and how we think of ourselves in that culture. I don't really think you can replace your father and probably shouldn't even try. As no one else really will be able to take that place. Especially if you are looking for that. I think it would just be better to admit and accept that what he did hurt you and try to put it behind you. Otherwise you may spend your whole life seeking something that you could only have in the past. You can't change your past or go back in time and change what has already happened.

I would also say that you should make a pact with yourself to never do drugs for any reason.

The sad thing is that regardless of who people are or what they are normally capable of. Drug's usually always tend to make peoples human failings worse. They never provide a good solution to any problem and usually only make the problems already there much bigger.

Well, Freud was the one who thought that things like potty training and how you were potty trained and whether or not you sucked your thumb related to how you were going to be as an adult... I don't know what you're thinking of though.. But I wasn't trying to ask for a way to replace him, I don't think I should either, just as a way to help me deal with that loss...
And I've been down that road and it's not a good one either... Drugs are not something I would do to get stuff off my mind especially since they tend to make your feelings more intense... -.-

RainyDaze said:

Well, Freud was the one who thought that things like potty training and how you were potty trained and whether or not you sucked your thumb related to how you were going to be as an adult... I don't know what you're thinking of though.. But I wasn't trying to ask for a way to replace him, I don't think I should either, just as a way to help me deal with that loss...
And I've been down that road and it's not a good one either... Drugs are not something I would do to get stuff off my mind especially since they tend to make your feelings more intense... -.-

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Glad to hear you say that about drugs.

I guess what I am getting at is how he thought relationships with our parents would effect our relationships with the opposite sex as adults. Freud was actually a cocaine addict as I recall. Seriously. And they look at him as the father of psycology/psychitry(sp).

As far as how to deal with the loss. I have no idea. Yell curses at the sky? Make a vodoo doll of him and set him on fire? Honestly, I know of no way to make such pain just go away.

Yeah, Freud was into a bunch of drugs and actually most modern psychologists don't buy into alot of what he was saying because he was pretty much whacked up on drugs the whole time. Not sure who calls him the father of psychology but you might wanna look into their experience with drugs...
He did come up with some ideas that are actually correct, being the importance of the subconscious so I guess maybe that?
As far as my pain, I think I'm just going to try to make myself happy now and just make friends while I'm in school and try not to worry too much about it. Sure, I've been hurt but I've just go to learn to get over things. And apparently not take things so personally. x_x

In my psychology class pretty much all of Freuds theories are not taken seriously. He is the father of psychology because he removed psychology from philosophy, and made it count as an actualy science. His ideas are no longer respected, but they are appreciated in the field, due to allowing it to split off into its own field.

As for your father, I hate my mother more then anyone else in this world, and she is the only parent i have. I see her as nothing more then a tool that I use because I dont like her, I dont love her. And I wouldnt even talk to her if she wasnt useful and even that she fails. And the reason I hate her so much is she took my adoration, love, and she took advantage of it, and betrayed me so deeply, that special way that only a parent can betray their child. That I have no intention of forgiving, being nice to her, treating her with to much respect. I think she should be miserable as long as I am because when I tried to let her be happy she would make me more unhappy. Now I am person who doesnt let things go clearly, and my mother didnt even fresia me over in the same way your father did or at least with money.

But what I am trying to share aside from another perspective with a parent, is you may choose how want to interact with you Father. But looking to replace someone isnt really possible. Sure they can serve in similiar ways, emotional support, shoulder to cry on, etc. But they wont handle it the same way. And also I only read your post no the others. So sorry if this is repeated. And I dont think mine was the best response either.

I'm not sure who taught you that NONE of his ideas are respected at all but he was pretty out there on most of his thinking, partially because of the drugs. I'm just saying my experience as to what I've learned in psychology. ^^

And as far as my father goes, I'm not one to hold grudges or act angry towards someone because I hate confrontation, I can't stand someone being mad or upset with me. It seriously most of the time makes me switch over and start apologizing most of the time. I hate that about me, I wish I could be stronger in my feelings and beliefs. Oh well, we all have our faults..

Hi Jessie

i just signed up to lonely life yesturday...just read your story.
thank you for sharing.
I am 41, divorced twice...I lived my childhood in fear because of violence, hatred, emotional abuse, constant chaos, and extreme lonliness. still fearful.
I tried suicide when i was young...did what you did with hurting myself...punched myself in the face and head over and over...self hatred was intense....cut my wrists on a grate..not seriously.
now here i am in my forties still dealing with the pain because i have used men to help me forget about my pain.
now for the last year i rely on my girlfriend for support when i need it.
i am lonely without a man but i know i am healthier, and i too am looking for extra support.
i wish i had the guidance to deal with my losses when i was young.
i adopted two children a the age of 5 and 7.
my daughter was self abusing at 16 and she told me..i got her into therapy for a year and a half , every Tues.,...free through mental health.
she is now in university and she is doing better but still is struggling from the abuse in her past which was extreme, not to mention my two divorces, and our son, her brother, who has brain damage.She opens up to me now.
I so understand your feelings...i am still dealing with mine...5 years in therapy on and off. I recommend it highly, along with finding a close female friend you can open up to.
I hope I can offer an hear for you...
i want to help
hope to hear from you soon.

Thanks guys, I've been trying to get myself out there and talk more recently not only in forums and stuff but in real life as well. I'm feeling better just not taking it so seriously when people are making fun of me at school and what not. Like it makes sense to me this way, like if they're going to make fun of someone for being who they are then they don't even deserve my attention, none whatsoever. I don't even blink at them as of late.

Trying not to dwell in my problems and just living in the present, living for the future. =]. I've been crying alot recently but only when I think about things like my Diabetes and not having any control of things like that. Like just having to deal with it, anyone else have this problem? Maybe not specifically like this, but with another disease or ailment that depresses or depressed you for a while, because you know there's nothing you can do about it?

And Hazel, I have been going to a therapist and I was on meds for a while but I got better and didn't need the meds. I've been going to the same therapist for almost 4-5 years.

My problem is finding someone I can open up to that will be around me everyday and won't treat me any differently because of what I tell them. I just want someone to talk to that won't judge me. I have self esteem issues already so I don't need someone that's going to be like.. "Wow, that's messed up." And then not say anything else about it to me but go behind my back and rant to other people or something.

It's taken me nearly 2 years to completely trust the guy I'm with and you might say that I still have issues with it occasionally because I didn't have childhood friends growing up so I don't know how to interact with people and have platonic relationships, you know? And with all the other messed up relationships I've been in, I sure don't know what I'm supposed to be doing in those either. x_x.

RainyDaze said:

My problem is finding someone I can open up to that will be around me everyday and won't treat me any differently because of what I tell them. I just want someone to talk to that won't judge me. I have self esteem issues already so I don't need someone that's going to be like.. "Wow, that's messed up." And then not say anything else about it to me but go behind my back and rant to other people or something.

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I wish there are more people I can meet like this too. Seems almost impossible to have a friend who can accept you for who you really are and not judge.

I know a couple of people who would probably not judge me if I opened up to them, but I still don't want to cause I don't want them to change their perception of me. It's insecurity I know, and I want so badly to be able to talk to someone and like look, these are my issues, and I can't take it anymore...I know they would never tell anyone else and would be supportive, but I still can't do it.

I agree, it's hard... But we need to do it, if we're ever going to get out of this black abyss called depression and loneliness. I have to go to lunch now the bell just rang but I'll be back later on tonight. =].

Glad to hear your alright.




Basically all I was babbling about earlier is I don't think it's the greatest idea to look at your boyfriend as your father. Just give up on the idea of a father figure. There was more to my thinking, but it doesn't do much good to really say.