Life-long result of negative reactions from people

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maybelazy

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So yesterday I was getting anxious when a person I care about a lot wasn't replying to my messages. I was getting very anxious and very worried that they were angry and upset with me (and they were).

I wanted to see if other people were like me, completly ruled by whether people did a simple thing like respond to a message.

And I saw this line by a guy who described it as an insecurity created by "the life-long result of negative reactions from people."

I thought that was so true and so accurate. Like many people here, I was the shy awkward kid, and people made fun of me for my hair, my looks, my teeth, my voice, whatever. I was never really popular, I felt like no-one every would have wanted to be my friend, and that there was nothing decent or worthwhile about me. My family are brilliant, but we are don't do displays of affection, so no hugs, and no "I love you's".

So I'm insecure and this person is annoyed with me for it, says I should be mature and not make an issue about it. But I'm the guy who can't even join Facebook, I'm so afraid of people looking at my profile/pics and deciding I'm worthless.

There was a thread recently about what should happen to bullies, and I concur completely. I can still hear all those names and insults, so many years later.

So I wanted to post this here, a place where people would understand. I know others have it a lot rougher than me.

I want this person to like me for me, and that's to accept that sometimes I will be insecure. I don't think they do though.
 
Yes, I am like you a lot. Not with everyone, but with a lot of people. And it does hurt when you are insecure and are told by someone not to be. It is like when someone tells you you are being 'too sensitive' when they have hurt you, when they don't want to take any responsibilty for having hurt you. They want us not to make a fuss because it makes their lives easier if we don't, and they don't have to feel bad about themselves.
 
That's a hard one. Feeling insecure is definitely a result of conditioning. I'm more confident now that I was my entire life, but I still feel that insecurity trying to take over often. Mind you, it took me nearly 20 years of working on myself to get here. I know you want someone to accept you for who you are, I do too. But, you can't change people right? If they already have it in their heads that insecurity is an annoyance...I don't think his/her opinion will change. Sorry, I'm sure that's not what you want to hear...
 
maybelazy said:
...

And I saw this line by a guy who described it as an insecurity created by "the life-long result of negative reactions from people."
...

I thought that was so true and so accurate. Like many people here, I was the shy awkward kid, and people made fun of me for my hair, my looks, my teeth, my voice, whatever. I was never really popular, I felt like no-one every would have wanted to be my friend, and that there was nothing decent or worthwhile about me. My family are brilliant, but we are don't do displays of affection, so no hugs, and no "I love you's".

So I'm insecure and this person is annoyed with me for it, says I should be mature and not make an issue about it. But I'm the guy who can't even join Facebook, I'm so afraid of people looking at my profile/pics and deciding I'm worthless.

...

...

I want this person to like me for me, and that's to accept that sometimes I will be insecure. I don't think they do though.

I see insecurity as a way of describing self-worth. And I'll explain this...

When you see your own self as a being who is worthless in every sense of the word, that's how other's will see you. It's very rare that someone would see past this and see you for the human being that you are. If you think you're worthless and whatnot, nothing is stopping anyone else from thinking the same.

When a person is not insecure and has a sense of self-worth, it doesn't even matter what others think. People could be saying the same thing about their hair, or their face, or anything else about them, and it wouldn't mean a thing. Because they know as a person, they're better than someone putting them down.

As I read your post, I saw someone who's very hard on themselves. Don't be so hard on yourself. Don't punish yourself because others are too shallow to understand that you are indeed a living being that should be treated with dignity and respect.
 
I get where you are coming from. All my life I was teased about being skinny and short and stuff. I will not go out in public wearing shorts, ever. I wear those at home, I don't want to go out and have people see my (as some have put it) chicken legs. People who don't get it don't because they have no clue what it is like and are unable to put themselves in the other persons shoes. They lack empathy.

Unless something changes in you, you always carry your insecurities with you, forever.
 
Sci-Fi said:
I get where you are coming from. All my life I was teased about being skinny and short and stuff. I will not go out in public wearing shorts, ever. I wear those at home, I don't want to go out and have people see my (as some have put it) chicken legs. People who don't get it don't because they have no clue what it is like and are unable to put themselves in the other persons shoes. They lack empathy.

Unless something changes in you, you always carry your insecurities with you, forever.

I was like this; I went through middle school to university and didn't wear shorts nor T-shirts in public. I didn't like others seeing my skinny arms and legs. I think it stemmed from that once in school, a guy wrapped his hand around my wrist and said I was really skinny. Same thing happened about my face. It's strange how just one thing can have such an impact when you're at that age...
Anyway, now I'm 24 and got past that. I wear shorts and t-shirts in public, I actually look forward to the summers so I can go like that. I'm still skinny, but I just don't think about it very much anymore. I also try to improve by eating more than I used to and going to the gym—it's working slowly but steady. I don't think I ever ate enough earlier in my life.
You might want to look up BDD, body dismorphic disorder, if you haven't already.
 
Thanks for all the replies guys.

@tinna63 - I think you are right unfortunately, this person has gotten angry with me before for making them guilty for things that have happened. I've been told my feelings are "ridiculous" quite often, which is a hell of a thing to say about a persons feelings.

@Montreal Skye - I'm like you, I've spent so much time trying to stop being like this, but I don't think I'll ever get rid of it completely.

@VanillaCreme - I can see where you are coming from, but I don't think that I'll ever be that secure to brush these things off. And that's why it hurts me when people who mean a lot to me can't see past that.

@Sci-fi and Tusk - There are so many of us in the BDD club eh? I remember going off to college and being so scared that people would still be making fun of me for all of those things. They didn't, because they didn't notice those things and liked me for me. I hate the way bullies can make us hate ourselves.
 
I feel so angry on your behalf that you have been told that your feelings are ridiculous. This is so cruel and insensitive.
 
Sci-Fi said:
I get where you are coming from. All my life I was teased about being skinny and short and stuff. I will not go out in public wearing shorts, ever. I wear those at home, I don't want to go out and have people see my (as some have put it) chicken legs. People who don't get it don't because they have no clue what it is like and are unable to put themselves in the other persons shoes. They lack empathy.

Unless something changes in you, you always carry your insecurities with you, forever.

Awww Dude! :') <3

There will always be people who don't understand you. I don't understand stuff about popular people and why they are even popular at all. Like them, I just get on with it. 99% of peoples opinions should not matter to you or me. 99% of people you see, you wont see again. They will have no impact on your life. As for friends.. I think they should be more understanding then they are most of the time. But is trying to get them to understand worth risking your friendship? I don't know. Friends are hard to come by with age for some reason.
 
I've been mistreated many times. I've been called ugly right to my face, I've been treated as though I'm an idiot, treated like I'm a second-class citizen, put down behind my back, had people take advantage of me, you name it. It definitely takes its toll on you after a while when you consider that emotional scars run deep.
 
Your supposed friend is the worthless one here. When somebody opens up to you about insecure feelings, as you did with your friend, they should be willing to listen to what you have to say. He just discounted the way that you feel. He might as well have just said that how you feel is wrong, and that you are wrong. A true friend will listen to all of your complaints, all of your sorrows, and not tell you to just think different. The way that your friend treated you shows that he is incapable of empathy.

You'll never get past a problem by denying that it exists. Likewise, you'll never get past any of your insecurities by denying that they exist, or that they don't exist for any good reason.
 
I can't say that I've ever been subjected to anything attacking my intelligence or character, but I definitely have for my looks and body. I had one woman I dated for a couple of months tell me that she wanted me, but in a size 36. :(
 
Trust me. I know how you feel, I'm the same way and people have a hard time understanding why I'm like that. In the past I used to try so hard for people to like me but now I don't get too upset if anyone doesn't understand. Cause I know who I am by this point. And true friends should accept you for who you are.
 
It does suck so bad when people hurt you and they can't even admit their wrong but they look at you like your the bad person and make the other person look so innocent.

But if you be yourself and not worrying what other people think of you. I get stared at so much because of my size and wearing black all the time. But I remember they don't know me and judge me, it is not worth it in the end of the day to even make the attempt.
 
soresoul said:
It does suck so bad when people hurt you and they can't even admit their wrong but they look at you like your the bad person and make the other person look so innocent.

But if you be yourself and not worrying what other people think of you. I get stared at so much because of my size and wearing black all the time. But I remember they don't know me and judge me, it is not worth it in the end of the day to even make the attempt.

Yeah I get weird lookes too. You'll get them all your life. Trust me, there opinion is worthless. I'm glad that you see that. :)
 
While I may not be able to gloat about my social success, I can rub my professional success into those people's faces now! :)
 
When I was little I grew up in a warzone, which meant I had snipers firing at me and my family (and everyone else in the city, it must be said) for the temerity of being born a different ethnicity. I'd say that's a pretty negative reaction.
 
I just posted a topic on it, but this is quite accurate as to how I feel.

I feel like I'm just burdening people with my presence and attempts to be friends if I approach people to strike up a conversation. Having been bullied all my young life, I never really developed good social skills, and the bullying and resulting fallout made me feel like I didn't belong in society, and didn't deserve friends.

The whole thing with being insecure if someone doesn't reply in a reasonably fast time frame is something I feel and understand 100%. The number of times a friend or someone else has been upset with me over "bothering" them with a follow-up "I didn't offend you or something, did I?" type message a day or two later, especially if I know for a fact they've been online and seen it, is too high to count. If I don't get a reply, it usually makes me paranoid I messed something up somewhere.



Gutted said:
There will always be people who don't understand you. I don't understand stuff about popular people and why they are even popular at all. Like them, I just get on with it. 99% of peoples opinions should not matter to you or me. 99% of people you see, you wont see again. They will have no impact on your life. As for friends.. I think they should be more understanding then they are most of the time. But is trying to get them to understand worth risking your friendship? I don't know. Friends are hard to come by with age for some reason.

soresoul said:
It does suck so bad when people hurt you and they can't even admit their wrong but they look at you like your the bad person and make the other person look so innocent.

But if you be yourself and not worrying what other people think of you. I get stared at so much because of my size and wearing black all the time. But I remember they don't know me and judge me, it is not worth it in the end of the day to even make the attempt.

Just to address these, I personally have a lot of trouble not worrying about what others think, especially people who aren't friends. I constantly worry what strangers think of me when out in public, and the reason is that growing up, my bullying was so bad they would latch on to whatever they could and make a dedicated attempt to bully me for it, following me around.

I can't just "not care" what others think of me when out in public, because I worry that they'll see me do something stupid or silly, or not know something that they know, and they'll make it a point to follow me around and bully me for it, and try to get other people to do so too. It's not like if I knock something over in a store by accident, I'll probably never see the people who saw me do it ever again. I fear they'll make it a point to remember me, follow me, and harass me for it. So basically, it's the fear that even the smallest social infraction when I'm out in public could earn me unending harassment from anyone who's present.
 
el Jay said:
I just posted a topic on it, but this is quite accurate as to how I feel.

I feel like I'm just burdening people with my presence and attempts to be friends if I approach people to strike up a conversation. Having been bullied all my young life, I never really developed good social skills, and the bullying and resulting fallout made me feel like I didn't belong in society, and didn't deserve friends.

That pretty much describes the affect of bullying, but the absence of opportunity to develop of social skills is more important IMO than the shame around being bullied. Those who suffered bullying are always behind here, forced into trying to catch up well after the insults have stopped.

I was hassled mercilessly for a while there at school (going bald.) Now though whenever I think of it all I have to do is focus on how immature and idiotic some of those people were and the self-loathing falls away.

Insecurity is always there, but by at least being aware of it means you won't freak out so much about not getting replies etc. It gives some perspective to know that SOME of what you're feeling, how you're reacting is insecurity.
 
Milly said:
When I was little I grew up in a warzone, which meant I had snipers firing at me and my family (and everyone else in the city, it must be said) for the temerity of being born a different ethnicity. I'd say that's a pretty negative reaction.

Wow, this is one of the few things in my life that made me go "man I'm happy my childhood was the way it was"

As far as negative reactions go: they burn, they sting, and then they dull your senses and you stop caring. Maybe not for everyone but that's what happened to me and I've heard several people on the forum say similar things.

My opinion: Don't wait in anticipation for the responses of people who don't care about you. I've never really bothered with Facebook either until recently, and only because this one person didn't want to chat on skype but prefered chatting on facebook (for what reason I can't possibly understand, the chatbox is tiny), still I never update it and only use it when I chat with that 1 person.
Don't try to garner favor with every person you know, just the ones you feel comfortable with, the good guys.
I'm sure you'll find people like that here, and I'm sure your messages or questions aren't gonna go unanswered for long either.
 

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