Desperate and Numb

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
V

vahlaria

Guest
I spend 24 hours a day, 7 days a week stuck in a 603 sq foot apartment, with nothing much to speak to save for my dog. I have a husband, but he's distant, cold, depressed, and "too tired" to spend time with me more than not.
I don't even get the comfort of human touch anymore, as my husband complains everything I get into bed now.  So, I stay up and play on the computer until he wakes up.  
For the past four years, I have watched my life unravel before me, as everything I've worked and fought for has slipped through my fingers. I started asking myself why? The funny thing is, the why doesn't even matter; it merely gives me something to do in my "spare time."
My mother was always resentful of me; teenage mother who was convinced it was my fault I was born; she liked telling me how everyone hated me because I was so ugly.
The kids at school teased me every day for thirteen years.
I finally got up, left, went to college, and realized I was actually a very attractive/sexy woman.  I got married...and realized I never had any friends.  
My husband seemed to get a manical delight in isolating me, but my family called now and again...so it was ok.  I went to school, got my degree, all the while listening to my husband tell me what a horrible person I was. Apparently it's a sin to not have blonde hair (seriously.)
After a while, I developed a backbone, and left him. The husband who has a problem with my being in bed is husband number two.  He was everything I've ever looked for.
See, he got depressed because I had a misscarriage, and found out I was sick (anemia, and an incuriable disease in my bladder.) he would get mad at me, and say, "you don't understand what I'm going through; this is harder for me than it is for you." I still don't think he's quite clicked on the fact, that my being sick and not being able to work is happening to me; that my life is over.  Well...at least in the arena of working anyways.
His parents hate me because I'm not hispanic, mine hate him because he is.  His friends ditched him when we met.  All he does is work, and all I am is alone.
I haven't had a conversation with another person except for my husband in over four years.  Havent seen a smile, another person, just about; save for the tired walmart employees at 3 am.  
I'm going crazy; I'm too numb to move, and no matter how much I try to get him to see it...it's always how things will change in some distant future.  When the bills are paid off, when he looses weight...when this, when that...
I feel transparent most of the time, faceless; a gost drifting through the apartment.  sometimes I wonder if I'm just a figmant of my own imagination.
I'm a nice person; I care too much, give too much. But yet, Im alone. Even married, I'm still alone for 20 hours a day.
He has friends at work; gets to talk all day. When I want to talk, he gets angry, wants me to "suck it up" until the bills are paid.  
Why in the world he needs the bills to be paid to talk to me, is a mystery.
The funny thing is; I'm not depressed. I'm just so lonely, words can not express the numb extent to which it has taken over my life. I'm totaly isolated.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top