I'm always mostly alone

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WallflowerGirl83

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My whole life I grew up having friends, but as I got a lot older, I grew distant and didn't like talking to people. It kinda scared me going out in public and seeing someone I know. Most of the time now, I spend at home, watching movies, reading and writing, playing video games, swimming and trying to entertain myself cause it's so hard for me to trust someone. Who do I know if they have good intentions or not. So many people took advantage of my kindness and once I realized there not even my friends it made me depressed. Overtime I grew more distant, got severly depressed. And now I'm starting to feel comfortable being alone, but at the same time all I really want is just a true friend I can count on and who will understand me. Not to top it off, but when I do make friends, over time they stop calling me. Maybe my shyness and weirdness makes them uncomfortalbe... I have no idea. Hope there's someone who understands what I mean by this post. I know I rambled on there but my mind is racing so fast.
 
You're post gave me the goose bumps. Was just like reading my life! You just had to remove the swimming, add the drawing and go out for a walk or bycicle ride. So, I do understand you completely... and I do believe there will be a lot of people on this forum that will understand you aswel.
 
Yeah, I feel like that most of the time. It's like you want some companion on the journey of life, but who can you trust? Whenever you meet someone, its always under some pretext or function. Relationships are like that too, a pretext or function. I think it takes a lot to really understand someone, what motivates them and who they really are. It doesn't help they might not be honest, and that people learn lessons and change. Loyalty and Longevity are in short supply these days. I believe it is largely a symptom of modern culture, and that the key to overcoming it lie in the imagining and understanding of ancient thought and harder times.

There is a spiritual dimension to all this. Of ourselves, we are nothing. We are as darkness bound by cycles and change. Permanence requires the defiance of cycles and change. The light is will. Will requires focus and well grounded conclusions. That is also the difference between us and our ancestors: Devotion, Severity, and depth of character. Wonder at the unknown, and deep thinking, vs the ease and entertainment we have today. Virtue was important, alliances were important, and everything was far more serious. All things come and go in cycles; and the essence of all disciplines is the triumph of Will over nature.

To be alone is well. Our reality is processed within the brain. There is nothing, aside from bodily needs, we can get outside that we cannot get from within our own imaginations. To that end we may become hopeless dreamers. To know someone, know their virtue and their will and you will know where they stand. Afterall, how much of our inner being are we even capable of sharing with others? If you don't take it to the very deepest level, then we are adrift without an anchor and lost to sea.
 
WallflowerGirl83 said:
And now I'm starting to feel comfortable being alone, but at the same time all I really want is just a true friend I can count on and who will understand me.

I can completely identify with this statement. I honestly hate being alone and until recently, never was. But, I am not sure I will ever be able to trust in someone again. It seems so easy for people to just 'abandon' relationships these days - I do not know wth is wrong with this world.

But...we have each other here at ALL, so that is a great start. :)
 
similar to me in many ways. there are friends and then there are friends. i learnt to be very fussy about who i classified as a real friend. people i knew were mates, colleagues or acquantancies and these come and go. it took a lot before i would see anyone as a true friend. there hasn't been many of them, no more than one or two at any one time. you just have to be very careful with your judgement.

if you are in need of a true friend then one thing is for certain - you won't get one by hiding away. if you have interests then join a club or do something that you enjoy that gets you into contact with people. don't force things; don't expect anything of anyone, just enjoy yourself and see what comes
 
WallflowerGirl83 said:
My whole life I grew up having friends, but as I got a lot older, I grew distant and didn't like talking to people. It kinda scared me going out in public and seeing someone I know. Most of the time now, I spend at home, watching movies, reading and writing, playing video games, swimming and trying to entertain myself cause it's so hard for me to trust someone. Who do I know if they have good intentions or not. So many people took advantage of my kindness and once I realized there not even my friends it made me depressed. Overtime I grew more distant, got severly depressed. And now I'm starting to feel comfortable being alone, but at the same time all I really want is just a true friend I can count on and who will understand me. Not to top it off, but when I do make friends, over time they stop calling me. Maybe my shyness and weirdness makes them uncomfortalbe... I have no idea. Hope there's someone who understands what I mean by this post. I know I rambled on there but my mind is racing so fast.

I feel your pain... I really do. This sounds very similar to my situation.
Like, the being alone part becomes a bit more comfortable, but strong feelings of loneliness are still there. I'm always alone. I go everywhere alone,and I lie to myself and try to believe my own lies for my own benefit. I try to keep myself entertained. Because boredom and loneliness is a very bad combination. I experience it all the time. I try to enjoy life even though I'm friendless and have absolutely no social life. I've been teaching myself not to reach out to others and to only stay with myself (mentally or physically). It sucks being a friendly friendless guy. If I'm going to be treated the way I am, then I may as well play that part. It'll make more sense,and I won't feel as bad. I practically live in my own little world that I've built, but I'm still in touch with reality.

I think of my dream career too and pursue that instead. That doesn't mean I don't ever feel down, because I do, but I think somehow, I manage to get myself back up, but loneliness is on my mind every single day and sometimes, it is unbearable..
 
I completely Understand.....SAMETHING HAPPEN TO ME GROWING UP!

Also between 19-21 years of age...I bought alot of coworkers gifts and stuff. And even gave a guy I worked near to everyday said he has a baby showed me pictures and he said he desperately needed money for his baby...he doesn't have any diapers or food to give to his baby. I gave him $500 for his baby next day he came back to me said he went shopping " Bought an expensive watch and clothes..." I said to him...I gave you cash for your baby ...he then told me " Oh the baby lives with my mom .....I dont take care of her" ...

Since I didn't have a contract I lost out of money and he got fired from his job for stealing.
 
^ That's a very generous thing that you did. Some people though are liars. I know once, this guy asked me for money as I was walking into a restaurant. I gave him what I had,and the result...I didn't have enough cash to get what I wanted to eat and I was hungry of course. A woman who was standing in line was also generous and gave me money to make up for it. She told me that guy asked her for money too and she seemed very kind. I felt better after that, but thinking about it... I will never give a stranger money again. I forgot how much I gave him, but I'm sure he's just another con-artist who uses the whole "I need money for the bus" scheme.
 
WallflowerGirl83 said:
My whole life I grew up having friends, but as I got a lot older, I grew distant and didn't like talking to people. It kinda scared me going out in public and seeing someone I know. Most of the time now, I spend at home, watching movies, reading and writing, playing video games, swimming and trying to entertain myself cause it's so hard for me to trust someone. Who do I know if they have good intentions or not. So many people took advantage of my kindness and once I realized there not even my friends it made me depressed. Overtime I grew more distant, got severly depressed. And now I'm starting to feel comfortable being alone, but at the same time all I really want is just a true friend I can count on and who will understand me. Not to top it off, but when I do make friends, over time they stop calling me. Maybe my shyness and weirdness makes them uncomfortalbe... I have no idea. Hope there's someone who understands what I mean by this post. I know I rambled on there but my mind is racing so fast.

Well, if you ask me, having a doubting mind about other people is actually a good trait. Although you can never go overboard with it. Remember that there will be times when you will feel like now, quite lonely but you still have a lot of life ahead. Get your life projects done, do the things you like, talk to people and just enjoy the ride.

Sometimes we need a resting moment from all social life.
 
I have the same problem right now. No friends. Always alone, inside my room. Even if there is beautiful sunny weather outside, still inside... I would love to go out and meet new people, but so shy and quiet. This city is so small too, I don't want to see people that I know, especially bullies. :(
 
I guess this is something that a lot of us go through at some point in our lives. I, too, have felt this way during my teenage years. Recently too I wondered about this and I decided to not put too much hope in people being the way they are. I still try to help a lot of my friends but if they don't keep up on the friendship with me, I have learnt not to take it personally anymore.

Knowing that I am my own person and that I'm an oddball, I know that not many will get along with me or agree to my thoughts and opinions (where I come from). So I've actually embraced my oddness and loneliness and surprising enough, even though those friends who forget about me earlier, they come back for some reason or another. I still act the same way.

Honestly, I don't mind being alone. I used to make it such a big deal when I was in my teens. Since a couple of years ago, I realise that although it does get quite lonely, it's really not so bad not having friends. But this is just what I think.

lonelyfairy, I'm sorry to hear about the bullies. :(
I detest bullies. Had to deal with them when I was a kid. I think that's probably one of the reasons why I have insecurity issues now as an adult. Bunch of ********.
 
ladyforsaken said:
lonelyfairy, I'm sorry to hear about the bullies. :(
I detest bullies. Had to deal with them when I was a kid. I think that's probably one of the reasons why I have insecurity issues now as an adult. Bunch of ********.

School days were very hard. :( But it's over now and all is well. :)

I am sorry that you had to deal with them. I have a lot of insecurity issues too... Awful people.
 
I agree with the both of you.....being alone is very hard especially with no one by yourside
 
Only read the OPs post, but sounds like social phobia to me. I have very similar behavior and I just found out not too long ago that I have social phobia. Maybe take a look into that? Just a thought :)
 
Thanks for everyone's responses, it really does help me to know that I'm not alone in this. I'm learning to work on myself right now and trying to get my self esteem back cause I was in an emotional abuse relationship for three years. Always wanted to leave but didn't think anyone else would ever want to be with me. Right now though, I'm working on myself and getting back into things I once enjoyed. Once I found this forum, I got really happy cause it'll help me relate to other people.
 
WallflowerGirl83 said:
I'm learning to work on myself right now and trying to get my self esteem back cause I was in an emotional abuse relationship for three years. Always wanted to leave but didn't think anyone else would ever want to be with me.

Good for you, Wallflower - having the strength to start again is always the hardest part. :)
 
Thank you, that means a lot to me. I'm visiting my best friend right now and it's my last day here. Don't really want to leave but I had such a wonderful time up north. It cheered me up and she gave me lots of courage to move on past the abuse. Feel like a different person already, I'm glad I decided to visit her. Really did need it after what I went through with my ex boyfriend.
 
WallflowerGirl83 said:
My whole life I grew up having friends, but as I got a lot older, I grew distant and didn't like talking to people. It kinda scared me going out in public and seeing someone I know. Most of the time now, I spend at home, watching movies, reading and writing, playing video games, swimming and trying to entertain myself cause it's so hard for me to trust someone. Who do I know if they have good intentions or not. So many people took advantage of my kindness and once I realized there not even my friends it made me depressed. Overtime I grew more distant, got severly depressed. And now I'm starting to feel comfortable being alone, but at the same time all I really want is just a true friend I can count on and who will understand me. Not to top it off, but when I do make friends, over time they stop calling me. Maybe my shyness and weirdness makes them uncomfortalbe... I have no idea. Hope there's someone who understands what I mean by this post. I know I rambled on there but my mind is racing so fast.

I know how you feel.

I too was betrayed/taken advantage of several times by "friends"...

It makes you want to stay away from people. It's certanly effective, no people=no harm... But kinda boring too.

I'm shy, I'm weird, that doesn't help too much... but I think it's mostly the fear of getting hurt that makes us wanna stay away from people.
 
AFrozenSoul said:
O_O You can swim at home without going outside? Why would you want to go outside?

No, I have a pool at my house, it's outside. It's nice going outside, I just stay away from crowded places. Much rather hang out at my house than going out in public but sometimes I do go to the movies or go bowling. But it's very rare.
 

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