Met girl online - she has BF, but is sending mixed messages.

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Astral_Punisher

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At first, I met her on a game online, and we started talking, and I was like "Wow, a really cool girl online". We exchanged MSN's and now we chat. After a few days, where should would go kind of silent if i said she was cute or nice, she finally told me that she has a long-term BF.

I was pretty devastated, because I was really interested in her.

Now, I chat with her only on some days, but when I do, it's for hours on end. Just yesterday, i talked to her online for at least 16-18 hours solid, into the wee hours, and the morning after. We were laughing and BS'ing and having a great time. She sometimes tells me she's just lonely, and looking for friends, but other times, she seems to be downright affectionate, telling me how cute, nice, or awesome I am.

We're both Leos. We both have exactly the same birthday, 3 years apart. We love all the same things, we have lots of similar interests. I can talk to her, and it's super natural, and fun and relaxing. I've never known anyone like her. We were looking up horoscopes, and because it's 'true', she said "Leos aren't meant to be together", but then she'll say something like "It's almost like we were meant to be".

It's pulling my heart strings all over the place!

She always wants to talk to me, and always tries to keep me talking and chatting with her. We were voice chatting as well, and we've traded OK Cupid accounts, and we've both seen each others pictures on there. She is, of course, drop dead gorgeous to me. She also lives just an hour or so away from me, so it's not a big deal to go and see her.

I feel like she's giving me a ton of mixed messages... She always wants me online to chat and voice chat, but then will occationally mention her BF. I will tell her that I respect that she is into her man, but then she will tell me it's "complicated", and will not answer me when I ask what that means exactly. I find myself dreaming at night about this girl, and unable to look at other women without comparing them unfavorably to this girl.

Sorry for the rant, but I am really confused, and could use a second opinion.
 
Just don't get your hopes up about this situation. There are a lot of reasons why it could be "complicated", but she must have a good reason for not breaking up with him so far. And sometimes just temporary unhappiness in a relationship can cause someone to seek to fill that void with the company of someone else.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do really. Simply try to give yourself emotional space from her until she sorts herself out and makes a decision. This will not work out well for you until that point and it is unfair to her boyfriend.
 
I feel she's giving you the hot and cold treatment and you don't seem to really be on the same page right now. I believe that you should try to escalate - if it doesn't work out you immediately freed up a lot of time to find another girl that may go all the way with you. Well, that is if you find the love me-doesn't love me dance toxic.
 
Barbaloot said:
Just don't get your hopes up about this situation. There are a lot of reasons why it could be "complicated", but she must have a good reason for not breaking up with him so far. And sometimes just temporary unhappiness in a relationship can cause someone to seek to fill that void with the company of someone else.

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do really. Simply try to give yourself emotional space from her until she sorts herself out and makes a decision. This will not work out well for you until that point and it is unfair to her boyfriend.

Barb, you're probably very right. I'm trying to keep from getting all "lost" in the hope that she will somehow magically want to be with me over her current gentleman. I realize this probably won't happen. Makes me ultra-depressed, but in my brain, logically, it's the most likely course.

It's strange, because she seems to want me to talk with her and chat with her all the time. I love feeling so wanted by such a wonderful woman.

perfanoff said:
I feel she's giving you the hot and cold treatment and you don't seem to really be on the same page right now. I believe that you should try to escalate - if it doesn't work out you immediately freed up a lot of time to find another girl that may go all the way with you. Well, that is if you find the love me-doesn't love me dance toxic.

Yeah. It seems like I'm getting the run around, for sure. I have actually asked her, in a subtle way, if she wants to come see me, or that I come see her. She has said, again, subtly, that it wouldn't be a good idea. I'm fairly certain that she doesn't feel the same way I do about her. But sometimes, she gives me the feeling that she does, at least a bit. It's pretty classic "Beta-Orbiter" behavior, and I've fallen right into it.

Lonely in BC said:
Run. You don't need this kind of drama.

I agree. I don't need the drama. But god, is it exhilarating to be in any sort of contact with such an amazing woman.

AFrozenSoul said:
Make a move, she is the one who is wrong if she goes for it. Then again, if she does that to her current boyfriend, what happens if you guys go long-term?

I believe she would not cheat on her boyfriend. BTW, AFrozensoul, I SERIOUSLY Love your posts. (not at all sarcastic) Please keep it up.

TropicalStarfish said:
I see your future, and a broken heart is in it. Enjoy whatever it is you think you have while it lasts, heh.

Well, she kinda broke my heart already by telling me she has a boyfriend. Now, I feel like my broken heart is just oozing out of my chest a bit more every time she mentions it. It's not nearly as painful. I'm trying to enjoy it. :p
 
You're walking through what it seems a wonderful garden... right into a deep, dark and cold pit.
 
@Astral_Punisher: If she would not cheat than she is probably not interested. So do the usual thing we desperate guys do. Give her all that boyfriend love and affection without any of the benefits. Then when she does not want you be sad and miserable.

Well that or you can step it up a bit and seduce her away from her boyfriend. There is also the option of dialing it back a bit. You know, limit how often you talk to her, when you talk to her. Keep everything you say out of your and her pants.

You have plenty of options, if you do not like my seduce her option. I know plenty of girls want the guy to do the seducing. If they have no control over how they feel than it is not their fault they cheated on the guy they are with.
 
AFrozenSoul said:
@Astral_Punisher: If she would not cheat than she is probably not interested. So do the usual thing we desperate guys do. Give her all that boyfriend love and affection without any of the benefits. Then when she does not want you be sad and miserable.

Well that or you can step it up a bit and seduce her away from her boyfriend. There is also the option of dialing it back a bit. You know, limit how often you talk to her, when you talk to her. Keep everything you say out of your and her pants.

You have plenty of options, if you do not like my seduce her option. I know plenty of girls want the guy to do the seducing. If they have no control over how they feel than it is not their fault they cheated on the guy they are with.

I think I'll go with a bit of A, a bit of B. I'll limit how much, and what I talk with her about.
If she actually Does want me as her man, then she will probably step up her game, instead of acting coy and such.
If she doesn't want me, then by not talking to her as much, and not talking about anything 'in our pants', I probably won't hurt so much about the whole thing. And she'll probably be happier, because I am not putting any pressure on her to leave her bf to be with me.

Thanks for the advice, AFrozenSoul. I'm still your biggest fan. :D
 
Personally, I'd avoid becoming any more than friends with this girl. Like the plague.

It sounds like you get on well - but do you really want a relationship with someone who has such dubious feelings for her current partner?

Not to be utterly pessimistic, but if she's like this with this guy, what makes you think she'd stay 100% loyal to you if she became your GF? Right now she's probably enjoying your company, but after weeks of your company in a more intimate sense, there's nothing to say she won't suddenly become "complicated" in her interactions with you.

You don't want to set yourself up for a heartbreak down the line, especially if you cheated with her to get her away from her current BF in the first place - that'd just be shitty for everyone involved.

You get on naturally, and that's great. Now you need to realise that there are other girls out there who you will get on equally well with, but they'll actually be 100% available and perhaps more honest with their feelings too.

(Also, I'll add that I don't think it's right that she's flirting with you and talking with you for hours on end without giving you the full story on the boyfriend front. She's effectively playing with your emotions, and that borders on manipulative.)
 
i wouldn't raise your hopes about someone who is in a long term relationship. it almost certainly won't end up well for you- and would you appreciate, if you had a long term partner, someone trying to take them away from you?
 
Sounds like the Norwegian Girl I USED to talk to a lot. Don't get your hopes up son. It might work, but with a Boyfriend in the picture, it wont work yet for sure.
 
I think you two should talk about where you both stand in regards to your friendship because it's either one of the other in the end. Not fun to be confused and wondering if you are liked or not. She has to pick.
 
TheSolitaryMan said:
Personally, I'd avoid becoming any more than friends with this girl. Like the plague.

It sounds like you get on well - but do you really want a relationship with someone who has such dubious feelings for her current partner?

Not to be utterly pessimistic, but if she's like this with this guy, what makes you think she'd stay 100% loyal to you if she became your GF? Right now she's probably enjoying your company, but after weeks of your company in a more intimate sense, there's nothing to say she won't suddenly become "complicated" in her interactions with you.

You don't want to set yourself up for a heartbreak down the line, especially if you cheated with her to get her away from her current BF in the first place - that'd just be shitty for everyone involved.

You get on naturally, and that's great. Now you need to realise that there are other girls out there who you will get on equally well with, but they'll actually be 100% available and perhaps more honest with their feelings too.

(Also, I'll add that I don't think it's right that she's flirting with you and talking with you for hours on end without giving you the full story on the boyfriend front. She's effectively playing with your emotions, and that borders on manipulative.)

Yeah. You're very right. It's just so unfortunate because she really is, honest to god, the first person of either gender that I have ever really gotten along with. I've spent my life hoping to find someone like her, and now she is not only unavailable, but unwilling to be with me instead of her current bf (currently). Not that I would expect anyone to dump a decent long-term relationship for some person they just met recently online, but AUGH. :(:(:(.

Poguesy said:
Simple.

Just hit it and move on.

I feel quite sure that she is not the kind of girl to cheat. And I wouldn't want to have physical relations with her if she didn't want to be with me 'for real'. Even though, god would that be awesome. Honestly, if I did have relations with her, it would probably spoil me for life. Just thinking about it makes my head spin. lol... :club:

Starman said:
i wouldn't raise your hopes about someone who is in a long term relationship. it almost certainly won't end up well for you- and would you appreciate, if you had a long term partner, someone trying to take them away from you?

I wouldn't appreciate it either. One of the large reasons she is so wanting of contact is that her BF doesn't really pay any attention to her. I feel alot like her 'emotional attention mate'.

Gutted said:
Sounds like the Norwegian Girl I USED to talk to a lot. Don't get your hopes up son. It might work, but with a Boyfriend in the picture, it wont work yet for sure.

I'm hoping for the 'might work' part, but I am playing my cards closer and closer to my chest as I go...

Okiedokes said:
I think you two should talk about where you both stand in regards to your friendship because it's either one of the other in the end. Not fun to be confused and wondering if you are liked or not. She has to pick.

She has sort of picked 'friends', but then she does things like send me all sorts of cute pics of her and whatnot. Not really the sorts of stuff you would send to your friends.
Then there is the flirting, and calling me cute and nice, and lovely, etc.

I guess the heart of the matter is just to look out for myself first, and enjoy the 'relationship' I have with this girl as it goes.

Thank you for all the replies - This has definitely been my most popular thread yet, lol...
 
@Astral_Punisher:I am so sure you are my fan. :/

Anyway, I say look at it this way. If you make it clear that you are interested and she makes it clear that she is rejecting you. Then you can at least say you tried and then if she comes around again you can say that she already rejected you.

Hovering in the gray will do you no good. It is not even good for false hope. If she has everything she needs from you and her boyfriend. Then what point is there to her leaving her boyfriend? What point is there to giving up everything when you can have everything?

The choice is yours friend. I still say if she is doing this now. Who is to say that she would not do the same to you.
 
I hate how some girls do that to us. Don't get yourself hurt alright?
 
your outlook is all wrong

you have an outlook of scarcity

like she is the only girl on earth

the perfect girl

the one and only

dude, she is somebody else's girlfriend

and what that means is that

at best she is a manipulative idiot using you for her emotional tampon and satisfaction

while still sucking on his wanker

this is typical bullshit from an immature girl

spending 16 to 18 hours talking intimately to some girl who is spoken for is craziness, there are 3.5 billion other girls out there and many are single and would think you are cool as hell

you wanna make a "connection" with some chick that has intimate conversations with guys that aren't her boyfriend?

you wanna be that boyfriend?

congrats you found a girl online who is willing to half-assedly commit to an emotional affair.

what she gets out of the deal? a huge ego boost of male adoration

what you get? honeysuckle

learn the game

the worst part is, you are all tore up about some chick you've never touched, smelled, tasted, or felt, who has a boyfriend, and leads you on for prolonged periods of time online

when you put it like ^that^ it probably doesn't sound so appealing

go game other women

classy women
 

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