I just realized something...

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hye345

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Back in high school, and at least half of college, I was socially awkward, especially around girls. Since then (graduated college in '11), I've gotten better, both with guys and girls. Occasionally though, I would catch myself saying "Man, if I only knew then what I knew now..." and all the what-if scenarios.

Well, a few weeks ago, I moved away from grad school, and it hit me: Sure, its a lot easier than it was in the past. I'm quicker on my feet (socially), and smalltalk flows more naturally now. BUT, to truly be yourself around someone, to not feel like you have to impress them, you have to be comfortable around them. I found out recently that for me, it takes time for that to happen, and it can't happen on command, regardless of 'what I know now'.

Case in point: I now regularly hang out with about 5 other guys from my building and the adjacent building. They are all pretty chill guys, but with the exception of 1, I don't feel a strong 'connection' with them, other than the generic 'bro' commonality. Whenever they go out, they usually invite me, and I'm grateful; but I sometimes tune out whenever they converse. Not because I'm trying to be rude, but because I just don't find what they are talking about that interesting, and/or because I don't really have anything to add. At this point, they are friends of convenience. This is probably because I still have a few very close friends back home, so the pressure to immediately make new friends isn't there (yet).

At a certain level, its kinda liberating: back in college, I would try to get everyone to like me (ironically, I was a lot quieter back then, so it was all counter-intuitive). When it inevitably failed, I would get depressed. Now, its more of a level-headed approach: if I don't hit it off with someone, I don't make as big of a deal out of it; one thing I don't like doing is forcing a friendship by pretending to be interested in this or that. Not that I don't believe in keeping an open mind, but if I try something and don't like it, then that's all she wrote.

In addition, I have an interesting vantage point in realizing just how long 4 years is, and just how much can change within even a fraction of that span. Even if I'm having a bad day, or week, or even month, prior experience taught me that things can and usually do change. Contrast this to my early years in college, where a single lonely night was enough to send me into a depressed stupor.

As I'm typing this, I'm not sure if my overall theme is depressing, or reassuring; probably a little bit of both. Prior knowledge does come in handy, but can't conjure up the luck of meeting someone you click with, nor the internal desire to pursue said relationship.
 
That is nice too bad I am socially retarded on top of being awkward. So I have prior experiences, and I am too stupid to figure out what I did wrong even though I have been out of college for almost 5 years. If I were not socially retarded I would have already figured out what you have said and I would not be here.
 
"As I'm typing this, I'm not sure if my overall theme is depressing, or reassuring; probably a little bit of both. Prior knowledge does come in handy, but can't conjure up the luck of meeting someone you click with, nor the internal desire to pursue said relationship."

Yea you have to put yourself in more situations in order to meet people. I'm a recluse though. My only close friends are the ones from high school. The ones I've made in college haven't really gotten close enough to be called real friends but maybe that's my fault.
 
hye345 said:
At this point, they are friends of convenience. This is probably because I still have a few very close friends back home, so the pressure to immediately make new friends isn't there (yet).

o__O ~ I have a question for you Hye. Friends of Convenience, this term bothers me. Is that something you think people now a days do? I always found myself in a position where someone would be friends with me because it was convenient. After reading that particular part...

I feel like that is a Term of its own, and I am a Victim of this. ~__~

If let's say i was your "friend of Convenience", How do I...err.. Become more? How does someone become an actual friend if they are in that Category?
 
Shak said:
hye345 said:
At this point, they are friends of convenience. This is probably because I still have a few very close friends back home, so the pressure to immediately make new friends isn't there (yet).

o__O ~ I have a question for you Hye. Friends of Convenience, this term bothers me. Is that something you think people now a days do? I always found myself in a position where someone would be friends with me because it was convenient. After reading that particular part...

I feel like that is a Term of its own, and I am a Victim of this. ~__~

If let's say i was your "friend of Convenience", How do I...err.. Become more? How does someone become an actual friend if they are in that Category?

I didn't mean to make it sound like I was taking advantage of them. If anything, I occasionally feel like the 5th wheel because they bond over stuff like sports, fraternities, and other stuff that I don't get.
I just meant that at this point, my standards aren't really high for finding people to simply "chill" with. At the same time, if I feel that I don't really have a whole lot in common in terms of personality, then I'm not gonna make much of an effort to make the friendship blossom: I will be in neutral mode. I suppose that for me, I'm ok with being solitary and having 'some' time with one or two close friends than spending tons of time with acquaintances.

Now, if its someone that I feel I click with (and a few of the guys I met fall into this category), then its different: I will make some effort to move the friendship along.

As to your question: there really isn't one universal answer. Looking back, the one overarching theme for me was that I felt comfortable being myself with said person. In other words, I didn't feel that I had to impress him/her to be liked. This may have been preceded by 'trust' games, like trading secrets, or revealing embarrassing stories. Of course, there are other hurdles: there should be some sort of commonality that you two share, whether its in deep discussion or 'superficial' partying. But without the crossing the first hurdle, this won't really matter. Unfortunately, its not really something you can force.

One last thing: back to the 'friends of convenience' stage, if any of 'these' guys were to slowly lose touch with me, I might be a bit stung at first, but I would totally get where they were coming from: I've actually had this happen to me before, but I was too naive to understand why. By the same token, if I slowly lose touch with them now, I wouldn't think that much of it (so long as we all still respect each other). So, if you do feel that your friends are only that out of convenience, then there is nothing wrong with trying to find greener pastures.
 
screw guilt.....

if you dont click with certain people...you dont click with certain people.
There's are people I wish not to associate with to begin with anway.

Sometimes even if you are close,...life situation changes.
You have to reloctate,....school, careers, relationships...ect.
By default you're forced to let go. Make new friends or associates.

As life gose on...you'll expand and evolve. Find new interest, hobbies...ect.
Changes after changes. You'll change. Other people change.

My best frriend or worst enemy is my own shadow.
No matter where i go or what I do...there i am.
I make me or break me.......
Its more about being OK with me throughtout the many changes of the journey.
 

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