Trapped in a depression.

Hi, my name is Thomas, I'm an 18 year old dutch boy (sorry if my English isn't very good at some points).

I've been feeling really down for the past years, lot's of things have happened, so I decided to just put it on a forum and see if someone is able to advice me in what to do.

I'll start at the beginning. When I was about 5 I was diagnosed with a mild form of autism. For me, it ment that my concentration was bad, I was a social moron, and I was very agressive sometimes. I didn't have many friends when I was young and I had to see psychologists every week to deal with my problems. Since I can remember I feel very isolated and alone. When I was about 12 I became more social, wasn't agressive anymore, I guess the sessions with the psychologists actually helped me. I also got medication to improve my medication.

Even though my social life began to live up, I was getting more problems at home. My parents were constantly fighting, didn't really take care of me that much (they didn't seem to bother about me in my opinion). My friends didn't know about this, I felt it was my fault so I never told anyone about these problems, they didn't know I have autism either. This went on for a couple of years.

By the time I was 16, my parents were not divorced yet, and my home situation was getting worse and worse. I hid this from my friends, they all thought (and most of them still think) everything is OK with me, though I was getting pretty depressed at the time. The fact that I never got a girlfriend contributed to the feeling of loneliness.

When I turned 17 everything seemed to get worse and worse. Even though I had a lot of friends (I was (and still am) a real self-confident, charismatic guy), I just felt alone and unhappy. I started using drugs too. I'm not talking about soft drugs, but hard drugs. It began with ecstasy, I used it once every 2 months, just to keep it safe. At the same time my dad got suicidal, he sometimes would just walk out the door telling me, my brother and my mom he'd kill himself. Me and my brother obviously freaked out but my mother didn't seem to care, and she didn't seem to care about us either, so I really started hating her.

When I almost turned 18 the worst thing I have ever experienced happened. I had a fever, and it was getting worse and worse. Vomiting all the time, pain on my chest. Eventually my father had to call an ambulance because I almost couldn't breathe. At the hospital they gave me a lot of painkillers including morfine, but I didn't knew what was going on with me. I had to spend 3 nights on the intensive care. They told me I had severe pneumonia, was suffering from kidney failure and sepsis. I had to spend about 2 weeks in the hospital in total. Luckily my dad, my closest friends and my brother visited me a lot. It took me about 3 months to totally recover, and I had a serious chance (about 50%) of not surviving it.

This totally freaked me out. After this experience, I had to deal with panic attacks, anxiety, I never felt something like that before. At the same time, I messed up my school and my parents got a divorce. There was only one very close friend who knew about all the issues I had, she's been trough something like this too (her mom has Korsakov and is suicidal, her dad is a total *******).

When I was recovered it was summer break. I didn't know what to do, my parents were divorced, most of my friends were abroad, so I started using drugs again. I met people who used a lot of drugs and they pulled me in to it. for about 2 months I've used ecstasy, cocaine, ketamine and speed. I usually used some stuff 2 to 3 times a week.

Obviously, this didn't help me at all. It made the situation worse. I luckily wasn't (and am not) addicted to anything, but using drugs only makes a depression worse. I decided to see a psychologist again. I told him everything and he blamed the drugs, so I stopped. I haven't used anything for a month or so, but I just still feel totally alone, even though I do have a lot of caring friends. The fact that a girl I loved so much dumped me lately has made things even worse. I still have anxiety attacks, feel very depressed, I can't sleep well, I just feel totally broken and empty, meanlingless. Even suicidal at some points. What should I do? Wait for it to pass? See a psychologist (again)? Anything?

Aspalas, I'm sorry to her about that man. My piece of advice is to keep a focused mind because you won't feel much better overnight. Work on the things that matter. Nurture a positive attitude - see, on the bright side you already hit bottom before and the only way to go now is to go up

Do NOT look for a girlfriend to give you happiness before you feel comfortable with yourself. This may set you back a lot.

Better then being betrayed later in life. I'd stay away from anything harder then pot, and even that can be addicting at times. None of that will help with depression. Try assessing what you have, and formulating some vision of where you want to be. If so, there may be hope at the end of the tunnel. If you are nowhere, you will just continue to be nowhere. Be very careful when offering your heart to someone, or you may find it so broken that you can't come back together again. I wouldn't put too much stock in psychologists, especially if they seem like they want to keep you on drugs and keep you coming around. I've found the oracles to be much better, more personal and hardcore psychoanalysis, if you know what your doing.

If you truely want to better your life stay away from the drugs all together. They are covering up a problem not fixing it. Now that you are sober you are left to deal with the real problems. You can she a psychologist if you want or you can just find someone you trust to talk to. It sounds like you need to do some soul searching. Have you sorted out the past? Forgiven, moved on? how about the future? Finding something to look forward to can help. Depression is something you have to fight, focus on positive things, beauty, love, color, creativity. Find a way to express yourself and things to inspire you. Has the anxiety and panic attacks gone away? a near death experience can do that to you. But you have to know that you are still here, and here for a reason. The best way i know to counteract a fear of death is religion, at least thats what worked for me. Find your faith. Dare to believe to dream to live. Best of luck to you!

Depression can be overcome partly by the right meds and professional care. Drugs on the other hand takes will power and might get a load of of other meds to overcome. The panic and anxiety from being in a state of shock can last for a time a week, months and pop up in all sorts of situations. If you feel trapped by your adrenalin shocks dizzy, Don't forget to breath, repeat a mantra that works for you. Cuss, cry get it out If you are able to. Work out at a gym. Lift weights, breath works good for some. Like others already said, focus on something you like to do that engages your mind if you are able to. Read fav novels, music, Sudoku, sex, games, photography, sports etc The most important is. Talk to someone about how you feel, angry, trapped, sorry for yourself, others, regret. Get a stranger or a councellor listen to you. It works for some to let the hurt out by talking.