Relationship Ranting (Warning, a long post is ahead)

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Icarus North

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So, I'm going to take a moment to rant about my current relationship and some history about this relationship just so ya get the whole picture, I just need feel like I need to get it out in the open so it won't be locked in my head or my heart anymore.

I'll try to keep this short, but more than likely it's going to be a long post. I met this girl when I started college two years ago, I met her through a friend of mine and we started talking, soon enough she gave me her phone number and we text and talk, we hung out, I met some of her friends and they seem pretty cool. All was well, and then she decided to flirt with me a little bit, and I flirted with her, sexual tension started to happen between us and before I knew it we took things pretty quickly, mostly kissing but then she said that I had to be the one who asked her out. Alright I figured, so I did, and we were an item.

Flash to a few months later and we're fighting. A lot. We're both two very stubborn women and we would just fight about stupid honeysuckle, the honeymoon stage was over. Then I noticed something in myself, I was becoming depressed again. The thoughts of suicide and self harm would come in and while I've never caused any harm to myself (from being sensitive to pain of all things) the voices in my head would just keep talking. My girlfriend would noticed this and ask me about it, to talk but because it's difficult for me to talk about my feelings, my problems without being really pissed off apparently, she set me off and I screamed at her and told her I wanted to die. She was shocked and as I was angry/crying she held me and said that everything would be okay, that I would get help. Problem is, I was stupid and naive and stubborn and wouldn't see anyone, so she broke up with me in order to save me. Or at least that's what she said.

So okay fine, I went and saw a consular for a few months and got better kind of...and while this was going on, my now ex and I would still fool around often. I know, I was an idiot and my repressed sexual hormones got the better of me. But I did make a decision to break it off with her, for good and just be friends. I called her and ask her to come over to my home, and when she did, I told her I didn't want a relationship. She thought I was lying and yeah I knew I was a little bit, but I figured it would be best for both of us. But then she did something I never thought would happen (again), she proposed to me.

Yeah I took it, and I was truly happy that she would do that, so I took her back. For a while, things were smooth, we got promise rings had a ceremony with a priest both of our parents and some friends. It was a good night. But going a month later from this, we were fighting again, this time I don't know what happened but I knew that I was pissed off at her...for some reason, I honestly don't know why I was angry with her, just that I was and it was rising and I couldn't really explain to her why I was mad, if I didn't know why I was mad. With my poor communication skills and her lack of understanding, she broke up with me, through a text message saying how she couldn't do this anymore unless I actually do something real about myself.

That's when I did go to a doctor and he told me that yes I was depressed, and I got some anti-depressants which do work, when I remember to take them. That's a key factor is what I'm going to tell soon. But we did get back together again.

Then during the summer she graduated and I got a job, a crappy factory job but still a job nonetheless. She had to move back home, for the reason that she couldn't find a full time job here and found two part time jobs at home. So she left, and now she was an hour away from me while I worked from 3 in the afternoon to midnight everyday. With her working and me working all week, we had little time to talk. But god would I try, I would text her daily, call her sometimes, write emails, send her messages on Facebook, I tried everything. And did she respond? Sometimes, every once in a blue moon.

During this time of working I was off my meds, because I forgot. Family stuff was getting in the way too so I was stressed. Having her not call me or anything didn't help either. But then I called her, very pissed off. By me being pissed she was pissed and told me that I wasn't doing anything to help the relationship at all, that I wasn't giving enough, that why should I call her if I had nothing to talk about, etc. etc. I hung up, called back and told that it was over.

A week later, as she was crying in my arms about how cold I sounded, I made the mistake of kissing her, saying I was sorry. And we ended up in bed again. I'm a ******* moron.

In short we're at this again, she's still at home and I started school, with only one difference in my life. I have this online friend who I'm attracted too, and she's attracted to me. Now apparently she 'loves' me but I really wouldn't put in stock in that, I'm mostly counting this as a lustful attraction that'll go nowhere. And you know what the worst part is about this whole thing? My girlfriend who I've been on and off again? She's actually my first girlfriend that I've had that didn't start out been an online/long distance deal. That's about it. Sorry I've made this so freaking long, just needed to make sure everything is out in the open.
 
i saw u said "long post"
i was like oh okey,but when i opend it i almost fell of my chair
well looks like i got some reading to do :p
 
I'm a little confused about if this girl is your girlfriend or your wife. You refer to her as your girlfriend... but then, what did you do with the priest and your family members? It seems as though neither of you are in the right place, emotionally, for this relationship. Possibly for any relationship.
 
nerdygirl said:
I'm a little confused about if this girl is your girlfriend or your wife. You refer to her as your girlfriend... but then, what did you do with the priest and your family members? It seems as though neither of you are in the right place, emotionally, for this relationship. Possibly for any relationship.

She is my girlfriend, though the priest and family was for a ring ceremony, a blessing of the rings if you will.

And I know I'm probably not in the right place, but I get caught up in the romanticism of it and just as they say 'ignorance is bliss'. And maybe I'm just not right for any relationship in the slightest, and I'll honestly never be ready for any relationship. I'm thinking out loud on this one.

Thanks for the feedback by the way. I appreciate it.
 
I'm sorry, please bear with me... but I'm still confused. What is a ring ceremony or blessing of the rings? Is that... like a betrothal ceremony?
 
nerdygirl said:
I'm sorry, please bear with me... but I'm still confused. What is a ring ceremony or blessing of the rings? Is that... like a betrothal ceremony?

Oh no it's fine I actually didn't know about it myself at the time but yes it was a betrothal ceremony.
 
So there's an update in this little story: my girlfriend contacted me today, saying she was thinking about her life and thought that having this relationship was cheating me, we're both going to sleep on this for a few days, think about it and then see where to go from there. But I think we'll still be friends, we have enough of a connection to be friends so I think that maybe it would be best for both of us yet I will still think about it.
 

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